eddie73

I go down after a couple of months of sobriety. There is a pattern here of anger and self pity that characterizes my progress. I start to isolate. I run everything down. I dont like myself, what I am doing or life in general. This stays with me until I eventually relapse. There is no escaping myself.

Yet I am not going to drink today. I wish it were easier than simply this. I know all the promises, and all the success stories. I have gone to the meetings and sat next to desperate cases who have come good. I am in a situation where I feel alone. The solidarity of an AA meeting will only get you so far. The joy of life is what I am missing. It has to be there somewhere.

SSIL75

How's your life? Do you have things in it that you feel joyful about? (family.. hobbies?).

eJoshua

You are right. Are you working the program as well? AA wasn't meant to be a social club.

laurie6781

Eddie, sad to say I don't believe meetings alone will keep you sober.

Do you have a sponsor? Do you call your sponsor? Have you started really working the Steps yet? Do you go early and help set up the meeting? Do you stay late to help clean up? Do you go for coffee after the meeting? Sometimes those 'meetings after the meeting' turn out to be more enlightening to me than the meeting.

You see, the PROMISES do come true, however, I found that I could not get them by osmosis, and had to work REAL HARD on me. I had to learn the 'physical' actions I had to practice to start erasing those 'old tapes' and 'old ways of thinking and acting'.

I found the HARDER I worked on me, especially when I got the 'F its' the better I started to feel and the less inclined I was to isolate.

Please either find a sponsor and start talking and meeting with said sponsor, or if you have one, then start getting proactive and call and talk with said sponsor, and meet more with said sponsor and work on your Steps.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

sobereverafter

eddie, could it be an underlying situation that hasn't been diagnosed yet, like depression? there are meds to help cope with that. you don't have to feel this way.

good luck, on your side,
s.e.a.

sugarbear1

Try a Back to Basics meeting or workshop. search: aa back to basics city state

A well rounded joyous life can be had!

RobbyRobot

Eddie, I hear you.

In my early days, fears ruled my anger and used me like a ho. I don't know your experiences with anger issues, but yeah, mine always led me quickly into regret, pity, isolation, defensiveness, and close-mindedness. The strange thing is at the time I could see it all happening, like I was a patron to my own misery watching some impossible drama unfold. Like my tickets were punched and I was on the ride like it or not. I was transfixed into the descent into anger you speak of in your post.

I got out of it the same way as always - same as you so far- by getting good and drunk. I did so because I worked the anger - played with it, justified it, wore it like a badge, suffered with it, licked my wounds with it, and swore by it to never again fall for my own bullcrap again, and just start over. Yeah, okay.

Of course, I just kept getting the same results, same as you. Drunk again.

The last drunk, I looked at my fears as the home of my anger. My fears protected from change my feelings of anger. I soon had discovered I had real fear issues. My anger issues were actually secondary to my fears. Rigorous honesty got me past my anger and into my fears, and with that honesty came courage to look past my anger into my fears.

Its not important what those fears were back then, what is important is in my books, my anger feelings are still born from my fears. That was a turning point. It was me being able to bring courage into the fight which made all the difference. I stayed sober.

When I just looked at the anger, all I could do was just wind myself down into nothing. I felt trapped and useless and weak. Which just made me all the more angry with myself, my life, and everything else. Glad I dumped all that to deal with my fears.

Your right Eddie, the joy of life is what your missing, and yeah, its surely there for you, (perhaps) behind your fears. Believe it!

artsoul

I can relate to your post...... I've spent most of my life cycling through these kind of feelings. The boredom/negativity/depression would build up, and drinking gave me relief. My life could be mundane as long as I had alcohol in my system. I didn't have to think or feel and I liked it that way, or so I thought.

Being sober, I can't run away anymore, so I have to accept my feelings. But that's not all bad, because they're usually trying to tell me something. It sounds like you can stay sober for a while, but then it gets overwhelming. Maybe if you can figure out what makes you so discontent, you can begin to find other solutions.

All the best.........:ghug3

Dee74

When I got sober, I got rid of the drinking - the tide went out, but it uncovered an awful lot of debris.

I needed to 'clean my beach' before I could really start moving forward.

I think Robbies onto something with fear....and I think Lauries and s.e.a.'s suggestions are great too Eddie - if you keep going down, keep getting drawn to the dark side, I think you need to face that and address it...

whether the answer is the steps, or counselling or something else is really up to you

D

eddie73

I am thru with anti depressants. I am thru with therapy too. They get you out of the blocks and no further. This is by their own admission btw as well as my own experience.

My life feels empty. I do the steps (obviously not well enough). I have a sponsor who I have great respect for. I dont help set up or down after meetings, but I do help others by taking their phone calls and visiting them. I listen.

The tide does go out and the beach is left exposed. Drinking no longer is an option. Neither are anti depressants or psychiatry. I have been there and done all that thank you.

I do exercise daily and I do eat well. I am keeping as busy as I possibly can. What choice do I have?

Anna

I agree that anti-depressants don't solve the problem. For me, they level the playing field and I am thrilled with that. It gives me a fighting chance to choose hope and gratitude each day.

If you feel that your life is empty, I believe that you need to look within. You are angry, as I was. And, as Robbie said, anger often disguises the fear we feel in our lives. But, the peace and joy you are seeking is not outside of you, nor can anyone else give it to you. It's within your soul. I'm not a religious person, but I am very spiritual and I know I would not have recovered with that connection.

eJoshua

Don't beat yourself up about it, it's not a competition.

eJoshua

Did you see this thread?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ecovering.html

Maybe some of this makes sense to you? I won't repost what I put on there, but you can read it if you're interested.

cuyootoo

I did a better 1st step than you did... Seriously, I started to feel like this, "I am sober but my life still sucks... yadayadayada" but then I snapped out of it. Something clicked in my mind and I decided that my sobriety IS my excuse to be happy and do what I wanted. I used alcohol to do the same thing, but alcohol always took away my credibility and disqualified me from happiness. I hope you can snap out of it too...