Deserto

BigJim, I can totally relate to this. I know in the past if I've allowed my wife to be too involved in my attempts to stop drinking, that eventually my resolve devolves into just a promise to her, and then that promise gets broken. It really allows the opportunity for the addictive voice to blame someone else (the wife) for my inability to drink, which then creates tension between Mr. and Mrs. Deserto, which then ups the stress level around the Deserto homestead, which soon enough provides old Deserto with a reason to go back to drinking.

Obviously that's not true for everyone, but it's a dynamic I've seen play out many times. This time I'm keeping the wife at a bit of a distance from the recovery process, letting her know what is up (I initially told her only when I was on Day 6) but also taking great care to ensure that I keep doing this for me, not for her (though obviously she will see some major benefits from it down the line).

Congrats on not drinking this Friday night.

InParticular

I'm putting off telling my family too. My boyfriend knows, but I've never told my family about my drinking problem(although I'm sure they've figured it out by now-it's no mystery). Telling them I'm off the booze would add way too much pressure right now. Not sure when I will be ready to tell them but probably not until I've got at least another couple of weeks under my belt. They are extremely healthy people and I just couldn't handle the stress of keeping it together in front of them. No way.

BigJim

I thought I had posted about this weekends plans, but it looks like it got cut off. My wife and I are officiating a wedding this weekend for our good friends. Weddings are a notoriously bad drinking time for me, so bad in fact that I have (understandably) been left off the guest list of several friends weddings. Anyway, we did the rehearsal yesterday along with the after dinner. Not one person was there without a glass of wine in their hand. As time came for the toast, my glass was also filled. As one of the people giving the toast, I wasn't really in a position to refuse and I didn't want to shift the focus from this happy moment to my own issues. And so I drank a glass of wine, the first drink since last Saturday at the funeral. Talk about a bad week to stop drinking! Anyway, the point I'd like to make is that I ONLY drank that glass, and while this may seem like a failure, I consider it a great victory. This is unheard of for me, and I am very proud of my strength. Today is the wedding, we'll see how I do then

artsoul

I'm glad you were able to stop after one last night. That's a pretty tough situation to be in for a week sober. You could have chosen to have a blow-out weekend and you didn't.

What's going to make you feel even better is getting through the wedding with picking up. There's always lots of food at receptions and eating can really help with the cravings. When I have to go to an event like that, I always get a non-alcoholic beverage (club soda and cranberry with a twist of lime is my favorite!) so that I have something to drink in my hands constantly. No one knows whether it's got alcohol in it or not.

Another thing that helps me is being of service. There are lots of things you can do - from taking photos to carrying food to helping older people to clearing tables. Focusing on others takes my mind off myself.

Good luck today - let us know how it goes.......

Dee74

I'm glad it worked out ok for you Jim but if it was me, I'd be thinking 'well one glass was fine..so...'

I never drink a toast - not alcoholically. I refuse the ubiqutous champagne, and I either make sure my glass is charged with something non alcoholic or I simply symbolically raise my empty glass.

Noone's ever challenged me on it. If they did I'd leave them in no doubt as to my motivation.

D

BigJim

Well the wedding went great, though I must admit I did have 2 glasses of wine poured for me at the reception, and by glasses I mean very small glasses, less than a single glass I would pour for myself. I was again able to stop before going too far and am happy that I did not get drunk and can actually remember everything that happened. I really love drinking, but the fact that it cost me so many memories tells me that it's time is coming to an end.

Our newly married friends gave us a bottle of wine as a gift which we will save for a special occasion. Normally a bottle of wine wouldn't last overnight in my house, so it's a nice reminder to see it sitting there unopened.

Still going heavy on the water and coffee, they seem to be keeping the physical habits related to drinking in check. So starts week two and I think I'll do well heading into Thanksgiving. We always have wine and a toast with that meal, and I hope that I can be thankful for the strength to again resist the temptation to over do it.

InParticular

Good for you Jim but be careful of those one or two glasses! It is a slippery, slippery slope! Also I would seriously consider getting rid of that bottle of wine. It's a nice memento and special occasions are good too, but where do you draw the line? Just a thought....and please don't take me the wrong way, you are doing really well, it is REALLY hard to not get trashed at a wedding(I sure haven't done it yet, so you've got that on me!) I just know all too well how those one or two glasses can multiply. Good luck at Thanksgiving, I have recently discovered sparkling apple cider and juice! So good! And perfect for toasting. Maybe if you have a glass at the ready, you won't be tempted by the wine. (It really does taste so much better). Here's to your health!

BigJim

Thank you! It was definitely a test and I'm glad I was able to keep control which is usually my biggest problem. I want to be able to have a glass at a wedding or on Thanksgiving or an anniversary, I just need to learn to control myself. I was drinking from morning till I'd pass out at night, and it was just about me getting drunk rather than enjoying a drink. If I can't control it, I will have to swear it off altogether, but I want to give myself the chance to prove I can fight and control it rather than fear it and give it even more power. I need to prove to myself that I am stronger than alcohol, that I make the rules. If I can't do that, I'll accept my defeat graciously and avoid it to the best of my ability. Thanks again for all the support!

BigJim

Whew, today is rough. I feel very sensitive and easily agitated. Exactly the sort of feeling that a drink or two fixes. I feel like I can manage, but I'm wondering how I'll do if it gets worse. Tonight the in-laws are coming for dinner and that is usually cause to open a few bottles of wine. Maybe that is what is upsetting me. We'll see how it goes, wish me luck.

Hevyn

I know just what you mean, Jim. Those are normal feelings in the beginning - we automatically want to fall back on our old ways out of habit. I hope you won't cave, though, & interrupt your progress. Thinking of you....

BigJim

Well the in-laws showed up with a few bottles of wine as anticipated. I busied myself with cooking dinner, but as my wife set the table she poured a glass for each of us. We toasted and I drank. I'm finding that in almost every situation, everyone around me is drinking. I never noticed it when I was the front runner, but now I feel like if I don't participate, then I'm the odd one. I'm just not ready for the discussions that would arise if I were to decline while everyone else drinks.

On the bright side, I slowly drank the one glass and did not take a refill. In the past, I would not only refill, but would secretly refill while my wife was in the bathroom or when the family was in the other room. I would just step into the kitchen and fill my glass from the appropriate box of wine. The level in the bottle didn't go down so nobody would notice. If my glass was full when these opportunities came up, I would chug it and refill as fast as I could, casually walking back into the conversation or sneaking back to my seat pretending that nothing happened as my wife returned from the bathroom.

Drinking the glass felt like both a failure and a victory. I did drink, but I cannot believe I was again able to stop after one. Very different from my normal habit. I'm still in this race and I'm going to keep doing what it takes to get through this with as little pain and drama as possible.

Dee74

I think the times when nothing happens when we drink are way more dangerous than the times when we do lose it Jim.

Sometimes, after I quit drinking for a while and started back on one or two glasses, it was great. Then those glasses became a few more, and a few more...

It's classic bait Jim....and it's in your history

I sympathise with this - 'I'm going to keep doing what it takes to get through this with as little pain and drama as possible' - I felt the same way too for many years....

but if you're a drinker like me, you can't drink just a little.

In my experience, stopping drinking does involve a little pain Jim - it involves change, and it involves effort and commitment.

I think you need to be careful - very careful.

D

BigJim

Thank you Dee. I know that I will have to do it for real at some point, I'm just not ready to involve everyone else at this point. Once they notice, I can get it out there and honestly, I don't think it will be long. Nobody has seen me drunk in the last two weeks, so I'm sure the questions are right around the corner. It will probably happen when I volunteer to be the designated driver .

BigJim

Whew, I got through Thursday and Friday nights without a drink. This is a feat in itself on a regular week, but doubly so on a long holiday weekend. Still super tired and having crazy dreams. Not all bad, but very vivid. My whole body aches and I'm not sure if it's something new, or if I always felt this way but dulled it with alcohol. I am feeling stronger emotionally, like I may actually be able to do this. The habits are fading and I can walk into the kitchen without instinctively reaching for a bottle from the top of the fridge. I feel like I have so much more time to get stuff done without a glass in my hand. Getting a lot of chores done around the house. It feels good to keep busy and I'm not feeling like a need a drink for a reward when I finish a task like I did before. I feel like I made the right choice at the right time rather than my typical wait for New Years and make a big deal out of it only to fail within a week. The holidays will be tough, but I am sticking with it. Good luck to us all.

SamanthaIam

InParticular, I understand! In my case, I don't plan to even tell my family (mom dad and siblings) about my drinking problem, because they are all undermining, passive-aggressive people who would not be supportive or helpful in any way, and in fact, would do much to derail me. Everyone has their own situation, and for me, I feel I can live truthfully without having to 100% disclose to everyone what's happening with me.

BigJim

Ugh, reset the clock. I had two glasses of red wine with my wife last night at her suggestion. These are still failures/victories for me as I was able to stop and that has always been my biggest problem. While I have had a glass or two here and there since I began my journey, I haven't gotten drunk, nor have I wanted to. This is night and day difference from how I felt daily just a couple of weeks ago. Drunk was my goal and I got to work on it as soon as possible. I really didn't care what I drank, so long as it got me there. I wasn't there to enjoy the drink, I was there to cloud my mind and dull my senses.

I've been getting texts from some of my drinking friends saying "let's get wasted" and such. I've been telling them I'm sick and it's the truth. Still achy and tired all day and I've caught a cold. Not sure if it's related to quitting or just a coincidence, but it isn't pleasant. I'm not sure how long I can avoid them or how I'll deal with it when we do finally meet up, but hopefully I'm far enough along to stay strong. I've been reading a lot of threads related to others telling us we don't have a problem. I've heard this before and know it will be an issue. Someone suggested pouring a pseudo drink without alcohol, but I always get asked what I'm drinking so we'll see. Maybe I can fill my glass with non alcoholic beer and keep them at bay Too bad they don't make non-alcohol wine..

artsoul

I can't deny being a little leery of the whole "moderation" thing - for me it would be like keeping one foot in my addiction and the other in sobriety..... kinda like your "victory/failure" model. It keep the internal battle going, ya know?

I'm glad you're posting your progress, though, and striving to make better choices. That's what we're all here for, I guess! I hope you feel better soon.........

BigJim

Thanks artsoul. I too am concerned about keeping alcohol in my life, even if just a little. I am finding that every situation seems to be filled with drinkers. Of course I never noticed when I was right there for the ride, but now I feel different. I'm still holding out for the big move, mostly because I'm not ready to deal with the questions, reassurances etc. that come along with telling people you've decided to stop. Nobody questions me when I have a drink in my hand, but it won't be long before they notice I'm not passed out in the corner as usual. I thought cold turkey was the way to go for me, but I wasn't considering the social aspect of such a move. I'm now thinking it may be best to stick with my drastic cut back, let that sink in and then take the next step.

All in all I am very happy with my progress. I have had a few drinks, but I have not been drunk in the weeks since I've decided to do something about my problem. This is a huge deal for me, I really can't remember the last night (or day for that matter) when I didn't get drunk. All I can do is take it one step at a time and try not to fall back into that hole. I'm very grateful that I found SR and have a support line of people without a direct connection to me. Everyone that knows me thinks they know whats best, but they don't. Thank you all for being here.

lovinit41

....I dunno where I got foot rubbing. Nobody around here rubs my feet after a long day of work!

lmao!! Bella!

lovinit41

Big jim.....maybe its time to talk to your wife. Im sure shes noticed somethings going on with you and Im sure having her on board can only help your success. I totally agree with Dee, these little 'successes' you have with moderating are only fooling you into thinking that you may one day, soon, you will be able to drink normally and I very much doubt that will ever be the case for you. However.....theres no question you are moving in the right direction and I applaude you for that. Come on Jim, fill the wife in!!