Feeling awkward after sharing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 3
Feeling awkward after sharing
I'm very new to Al Anon. I think it's probably the right place for me. But that might be wishful thinking.
Tonight I think I may have overshared and I'm embarrassed by it. I don't think I spoke too long, but maybe my speaking wasn't organised very well and my tone was a little fraught. Also I may have given a detail I shouldn't (nothing lurid but just personal). I did stop myself and tried to make a joke about having overshared. But the initial warmth people showed was seemed absent afterward.
I'm gay and I mentioned the gender of my partner (who brought the alcoholism into the picture as a troubled adult child of an alcoholic) and that seemed to put a chill in the air.
I might be imagining all this because I'm in a raw state right now. And I do tend to blame myself for other people's reactions (which might have nothing to do with me) - which I'm starting to feel is not uncommon.
How can I tell if I've overshared? What kinds of things would be considered oversharing? Also some people talked about not wanting to "dump" when they were sharing. After the meeting I asked someone what that means but she didn't really explain it clearly and I found her accent hard to understand. But I think I did mishandle my time because a nice older woman who was making tea said "don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes it's ok to just listen." I get a lot out of listening to other people's stories at the meeting but I now I feel embarrassed and want to avoid talking. Probably a good thing I should get a feel for how things are run before shooting my mouth off.
Oversharing - how would you define it? And should I apologise for it or just make a commitment to not do it next time?
Tonight I think I may have overshared and I'm embarrassed by it. I don't think I spoke too long, but maybe my speaking wasn't organised very well and my tone was a little fraught. Also I may have given a detail I shouldn't (nothing lurid but just personal). I did stop myself and tried to make a joke about having overshared. But the initial warmth people showed was seemed absent afterward.
I'm gay and I mentioned the gender of my partner (who brought the alcoholism into the picture as a troubled adult child of an alcoholic) and that seemed to put a chill in the air.
I might be imagining all this because I'm in a raw state right now. And I do tend to blame myself for other people's reactions (which might have nothing to do with me) - which I'm starting to feel is not uncommon.
How can I tell if I've overshared? What kinds of things would be considered oversharing? Also some people talked about not wanting to "dump" when they were sharing. After the meeting I asked someone what that means but she didn't really explain it clearly and I found her accent hard to understand. But I think I did mishandle my time because a nice older woman who was making tea said "don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes it's ok to just listen." I get a lot out of listening to other people's stories at the meeting but I now I feel embarrassed and want to avoid talking. Probably a good thing I should get a feel for how things are run before shooting my mouth off.
Oversharing - how would you define it? And should I apologise for it or just make a commitment to not do it next time?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hey, i agree with the lady, dont be so hard on yourself!
It is ok not to do things perfectly. You didnt know, and it is no big deal!
You shared, and that is good. It feels awkward sometimes to me too. We wonder, and feel
insecure, but really, it is ok. happens to most of us, I believe!
their reaction might have been something totally different than disapproval-perhaps they were really focused on what you were saying, maybe feeling empathy for you too.
just think the best, and next time, you can watch how it is done, and you will do better after you know better, as they say
about the gender thing, well, i would not think that they would be shocked by that. if they are, then too bad on them. there is a first time for everything. sounds like your share was pretty "rich", and not the everyday usual share.
if you dont end up feeling comfortable in that group after a few times, please try others. not all group dynamics are alike.
personally, I would not apologize, just watch and follow the general flow. I hope it turns out to be a good one for you. I am glad you are going!!
chicory
It is ok not to do things perfectly. You didnt know, and it is no big deal!
You shared, and that is good. It feels awkward sometimes to me too. We wonder, and feel
insecure, but really, it is ok. happens to most of us, I believe!
their reaction might have been something totally different than disapproval-perhaps they were really focused on what you were saying, maybe feeling empathy for you too.
just think the best, and next time, you can watch how it is done, and you will do better after you know better, as they say
about the gender thing, well, i would not think that they would be shocked by that. if they are, then too bad on them. there is a first time for everything. sounds like your share was pretty "rich", and not the everyday usual share.
if you dont end up feeling comfortable in that group after a few times, please try others. not all group dynamics are alike.
personally, I would not apologize, just watch and follow the general flow. I hope it turns out to be a good one for you. I am glad you are going!!
chicory
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
Hi, Welcome to SR - you can't overshare here! Actually I find your openness and honesty very refreshing. And I think right now you are very sensitive, and are probably overthinking it all. Hey, if that group makes you feel wierd, find another. You are fine!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Ah... you learn as you go... everyone there knows exactly how you feel.
In AA we try to share a message of hope. Even people who are new, have something to offer. But maybe you can just go and listen. Find a sponsor. Your questions will be answered.
In AA we try to share a message of hope. Even people who are new, have something to offer. But maybe you can just go and listen. Find a sponsor. Your questions will be answered.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 3
Thanks everyone. It's good to get reassurance that even if I'm clumsy at first it's ok. I'm really surprised by the kindnesses that have come up since things fell apart. I know I can learn from all this and come out stronger.
I've been to several meetings in the last week, all different groups. It's true, they all have different group personalities. I felt really secure in one in particular. But in every meeting there were a couple of people who said things that helped me clarify even just a little in my heart.
Another question if anyone's still listening - what is "dumping"?
I've been to several meetings in the last week, all different groups. It's true, they all have different group personalities. I felt really secure in one in particular. But in every meeting there were a couple of people who said things that helped me clarify even just a little in my heart.
Another question if anyone's still listening - what is "dumping"?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Roxboro, NC
Posts: 544
Hi ola! Welcome to SR.
I can't answer your question to "dumping" I haven't heard that term used in AA.
I think my most honest shares at a meeting are the ones that I did overshare. When I just started talking and letting it all flow out. I'm rarely ever organised when I share. Sometimes I want to double dip and share some more because I felt like I left something out of the first share lol.
I try not to judge anyone in group that shares. We all have different levels of sickness. I've heard some in a meeting just ramble on and never have a point to what they say. But if it keeps them sober that day by being in a meeting and just talking it out, then it's all good by me.
I agree about not being hard on yourself. Express yourself and let it out.
I can't answer your question to "dumping" I haven't heard that term used in AA.
I think my most honest shares at a meeting are the ones that I did overshare. When I just started talking and letting it all flow out. I'm rarely ever organised when I share. Sometimes I want to double dip and share some more because I felt like I left something out of the first share lol.
I try not to judge anyone in group that shares. We all have different levels of sickness. I've heard some in a meeting just ramble on and never have a point to what they say. But if it keeps them sober that day by being in a meeting and just talking it out, then it's all good by me.
I agree about not being hard on yourself. Express yourself and let it out.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
Being gay isn't going to raise many eyebrows in recovery. My home group is in a smallish town and we have at least two gay regular members, maybe more as it's not something that gets much attention, I just know of these two because they bring their partners for some meetings.
Dumping is when a person just dumps their problems (usually week after week) without having anything recovery related to go along with it. They just use the meeting like a toilet.
Dumping is when a person just dumps their problems (usually week after week) without having anything recovery related to go along with it. They just use the meeting like a toilet.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Dumping...
Dumping means that you have shared with the group your problems, in gory detail, and with no resolution. Often dumping is done with a great deal of self pity.... Dumping means you have not shared the solution. Or as some will say... "Shared the mess, not the message".
But as I said before, everyone was a newcomer once.... Everyone has a voice.... A strong meeting can absorb some "dumping" and turn it around as an inspiration to find the message.... a strong meeting.
In AA, many people like open discussion meetings, like the one you have described... but a lot don't. One reason that I can see is that at a sick meeting, the open discussion becomes a dumping ground...
Look, don't sweat it.... really. I have shared and wished I didn't. I am sure we all have.
I share only if I am "moved" to... if the subject and shares at a meeting resonate and I can add my own experience and that it may help another... sharing the solution.... This is how I felt, this is what happened, whatever, and .... this is what I did.
Keep coming back ...
Consider getting a sponsor.
Dumping means that you have shared with the group your problems, in gory detail, and with no resolution. Often dumping is done with a great deal of self pity.... Dumping means you have not shared the solution. Or as some will say... "Shared the mess, not the message".
But as I said before, everyone was a newcomer once.... Everyone has a voice.... A strong meeting can absorb some "dumping" and turn it around as an inspiration to find the message.... a strong meeting.
In AA, many people like open discussion meetings, like the one you have described... but a lot don't. One reason that I can see is that at a sick meeting, the open discussion becomes a dumping ground...
Look, don't sweat it.... really. I have shared and wished I didn't. I am sure we all have.
I share only if I am "moved" to... if the subject and shares at a meeting resonate and I can add my own experience and that it may help another... sharing the solution.... This is how I felt, this is what happened, whatever, and .... this is what I did.
Keep coming back ...
Consider getting a sponsor.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 3
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all the reassurance. Of course newbies always need to find their footing and that's where I'm at now.
I think I may have found a meeting that I click with. It's the first meeting I went to, just by chance. I'll see how it goes.
The message I'm getting from you folks as well as what I'm hearing in the meetings is to take it easy and go slow, be gentle. I'm so impressed by the courage and kindness that people in meetings have shown to themselves and me and others.
Thanks again everyone.
I think I may have found a meeting that I click with. It's the first meeting I went to, just by chance. I'll see how it goes.
The message I'm getting from you folks as well as what I'm hearing in the meetings is to take it easy and go slow, be gentle. I'm so impressed by the courage and kindness that people in meetings have shown to themselves and me and others.
Thanks again everyone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 15
Hi Ola, Welcome to SR i can really apprreciate where you are coming from i am new to AA meetings i find it very hard to share i get sooo nervous & don't know what to say! Everyone else seems to have something so meaning,personal & inspirational to say. Why do i find this so hard? At least i can share without fear on here & you can too. x
...than never
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Coast USA
Posts: 152
I don't know about you but I find the uncomfortableness of meetings to be a real incentive to avoid drinking. When I ask myself if I really want to have to go through that again, I usually decide I will not drink again today!
...than never
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Coast USA
Posts: 152
Oh, I see you are attending Al Anon meetings. Sorry for the mistake, have you seen the friends and family forum?
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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