Two weeks / Worrying insight
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Southern UK
Posts: 21
Two weeks / Worrying insight
My last binge was the worst I have ever had, and I found brand new lows in behavior (straight out of bed to go buy beer in the morning). But today I am finishing the first two weeks of sobriety. I feel good now apart from the occasional craving. I do find it challenging reconstructing a daily routine that works for sober me, but that is to be expected.
But when I think back at that binge, I see things that worry me. The problem is that it wasn’t all negative. I think a part of me enjoyed sinking that low. And it is perhaps the same part that has always enjoyed drinking until I am blotto. I think there is some sort of desire for the eradication of myself going on. I should say here that I am not suicidal. But I think what I have tried to achieve with alcohol is to lose myself. And degrading myself, like I did in that last binge, seems to tie in with it.
It is a strange thing because I don’t think such self-erasing or self-hating thoughts. But I don’t know how else to explain my feelings about what happened.
Does this sound like something other people have seen in their own drinking?
But when I think back at that binge, I see things that worry me. The problem is that it wasn’t all negative. I think a part of me enjoyed sinking that low. And it is perhaps the same part that has always enjoyed drinking until I am blotto. I think there is some sort of desire for the eradication of myself going on. I should say here that I am not suicidal. But I think what I have tried to achieve with alcohol is to lose myself. And degrading myself, like I did in that last binge, seems to tie in with it.
It is a strange thing because I don’t think such self-erasing or self-hating thoughts. But I don’t know how else to explain my feelings about what happened.
Does this sound like something other people have seen in their own drinking?
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
The whole feeling / thinking thing is very complex when it comes to alcohol. It can be get me into quite a state thinking about it, with the danger that it confuses me about my current purpose. The other factor to think about is how you remember feeling about it is a different experience from the actual feeling at the time. Drinking brings out aspects of ourselves that are abnormal, they occur in an intoxicated state (under the influence of a TOXIN). When they happen our brains are not working properly due to interference from alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Corpus Christi Texas
Posts: 76
Thanks and welcome "Looking for New Me"
And yes, that pretty much explains how I drank. Binges that sank so low it was very difficult to come out of them. Once I got into that "dark place" in the binge, I almost had the feeling that I deserved to be kicked down even further. I also have no suicidal thoughts, or self hatred issues (that I am aware of), but the self-degradation that comes with the binges is something I never want to experience again.
I have 93 days sober today, and I feel great with the help of SR. Hang in there and keep posting, your honesty is commendable. And thank-you for reminding me of how I felt 3 months ago, you nailed my feelings.
And yes, that pretty much explains how I drank. Binges that sank so low it was very difficult to come out of them. Once I got into that "dark place" in the binge, I almost had the feeling that I deserved to be kicked down even further. I also have no suicidal thoughts, or self hatred issues (that I am aware of), but the self-degradation that comes with the binges is something I never want to experience again.
I have 93 days sober today, and I feel great with the help of SR. Hang in there and keep posting, your honesty is commendable. And thank-you for reminding me of how I felt 3 months ago, you nailed my feelings.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
It's certainly familiar to me LookingForNewMe.
I *craved* oblivion...I'm not sure I wanted to degrade myself exactly, or erase myself either - I just wanted a break from everything - the world, my life, being me, for a while.
I think it's very common - but I'm glad I've come to enjoy the world my life and who I am
Welcome to SR - you'll find a lot of support here
D
I *craved* oblivion...I'm not sure I wanted to degrade myself exactly, or erase myself either - I just wanted a break from everything - the world, my life, being me, for a while.
I think it's very common - but I'm glad I've come to enjoy the world my life and who I am
Welcome to SR - you'll find a lot of support here
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Welcome LFNM,
as the above posters said it's messed up thinking when you are drunk and perhaps it has something to do with our shame, even when we are in our cups. I am not into analyzing why I acted as I did when I was drunk, I am just glad not to be drunk today.
Good on you for your 2 weeks.
CaiHong
as the above posters said it's messed up thinking when you are drunk and perhaps it has something to do with our shame, even when we are in our cups. I am not into analyzing why I acted as I did when I was drunk, I am just glad not to be drunk today.
Good on you for your 2 weeks.
CaiHong
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 117
Hey LookingForNewMe! It's great you have got this far! I was wondering how you were going. Now you have got some distance from the madness you are analysing the situation. Keep up what you are doing. You should be very proud of yourself! I'm proud of you!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
