Lily

Welcome Gordo!

Let me ask you this, what is your pain? When I was drinking and using it was over pain. Most of the time my pain was either old tapes of hearing my mother say evil mean things to me (which are years gone by) and then self bitterness because I was hanging on and playing those tapes, and also frustration out of not being able to get what I want when I want it with my family.

As soon as I realized I really could NOT control people, their behavior, etc, I was able to let go......

I am not asking for you to share with my your pain, but I am sure there is some there..... you may have been fed lies like I was you need to recognize as lies and be set free.....

Anyway, welcome!

Lily

Zebra1275

A lot of good advice so far. Back to one of your orginal questions, what can you do now?

My suggestion is 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor and start working the 12 steps of AA.

You can't control whether your wife with give you a third chance or not. What you can do is take some action so that in 90 days, if she asks what you have done about your drinking, you can tell her. And if she never comes back, you will probably be a stronger person and more able to handle it without drinking again.

debsam

Gordo, the only person who will NEVER leave you...is YOU. So, get started on getting yourself well....and the rest will come.

Don't worry about 90 days from now, or even tomorrow..just get through today.

Read my quote at the bottom...it's very true. You can do this my friend.

cuyootoo

This thread has really made me think,,, maybe it shouldn't be about people giving us another chance. That really is a lot for an alcoholic to live up to. It's like, if we mess up again then we are certain to loose what we care about. Most alcoholics do relapse. And thats a lot of fear to live under. Besides that, have you ever "given somebody a chance" if they hurt you?

I don't think relationships really work that way. Either she wants to be with you when you are sober or she doesn't. I have had 2 serious relationships in my alcoholism. One was with a woman who I just wanted to give me a chance, but she never did. Once it was over it was over. The other just refuses to be around me when I am drinking, but I never had to ask her to give me a chance.

I don't think she would ever be inclined to give me a chance. Things change over time in relationships. Relationships are incredibly complex. All relationships have a beginning, a middle and end, even if that end means the loss or death of a spouse. My wish for you is that your wife would be with you in your recovery and give you the grace to relapse so that you don't have to live in fear.

I think you will have a better chance of succeeding if you have her cheering you on rather than "giving you one more chance" But I am certainly not an expert at relationships, heck mine almost ended today in sobriety.

eJoshua

I hear what you're saying, but I sure hope you are wrong.

eJoshua

And I almost forgot -- Welcome Gordo!

You are among friends here and I certainly understand where you are comingf rom in your post. I don't have anything else to add that hasn't been said, but welcome and I'm glad you found us.

cuyootoo

I just mean that giving somebody grace to be a work in progress is a world of difference than merely "giving somebody another chance" I don't think it's really healthy to give somebody another chance to hurt you again because that's what will be guaranteed to happen in a relationship based on rules rather than freedom and grace.

Our original poster most likely will be shortchanging himself if he allows himself to forever be measuring himself up against being given "one more chance" to me, that's a terrible fear to live under, worse than drinking itself.

Ramblon

I totally agree with Sparky. Your story sounded almost exactly like mine. Felt exactly like you did. Everytime I went back to her or when she took me back I ended up drinking hard again. It was too much of a codependent thing. Forget her. Keep yourself clean and move on. It never worked for me until I realised I had to do it for myself. As much as i miss my X, i know its a death trap. I loved her because we were getting really juiced together. i never loved myself until I became sober. Most people who know me still dont trust me. I dont blame them. No more party girls for me. Since I'm being good, good things are happening left and right. Took me a long time to get over myself with lovin my x but it had to be done.

Gordo19721986

Lily- my pain is being aware my actions caused pain in my exes life and I'm accountable for that now I'm sober to realize it. It sucks. Bella- I never thought about her being a component of my addiction but how would I know one way or another?

Gordo19721986

Just walked in froma long day. Been sober a week now. There is something empowering to know that I don't have to live in chaos unless I choose to anymore. I know there will be pitfalls in the future but this has been easier than I expected so far. Clarity is coming to light more and more. Its a double edged sword though, I am starting to believe there is a better future for me but I'm clearly seeing all the bad I did and how its hurt close ones around me. I'm shocked that I have any friends left at all. The ones I do have are supporting me. Thank God.

TheTinMan

Congrats on a week!!!

Have you made it to any AA meetings this week?

Gordo19721986

Thanks tin man. And no I have not. I just looked into the schedule for all the meeting where I am and they are all day almost everyday. I went to my boss on Tues and told home everything that I'm going through and he is behind me 100% will make time for my meetings and my therapist. Its weird, I'm an in the home sales person and have no fear talking in front of whoever but when it comes to my problems I'm scared to. I can't wait yo get to my therapist Friday at 10am to get out alot of residual BS that will probably take weeks to get out. In nervous about AA. I remember going court ordered about 15 yrs ago for my first couple dui's and I thought ...that will never be me. Now it IS me, or always was but I never acknowledged it. So its pretty humbling at this point to be in this situation but I will at least get to one and break the ice by Saturday. I just remremember them being so depressing. I know I need them and a sponsor. I promise ill get there. Thanks tin man.

TheTinMan

You are welcome Gordo.

It's great that you have an understanding boss. Really cool!

Good too that you are hanging out here. I know going to that first AA meeting is going to be tough, and I will be honest, some meetings I go to are kinda depressing. I still go. Someone may say something that I can put to use in my life. Or they may even be having some of the same problems I'm having and they come up with a solution that I haven't thought of. And there is always that slim chance that I might actually say something that helps someone else.

Seems like we have something in common. I went to court ordered AA 15 years ago too. I sat in those meetings and thought there were some really messed up people. I was 25 and I hadn't come close to doing some of the **** they had done. Then I went out and did them for the next 15 years. Someone said something in a meeting this year that really stood out in my mind. I have never experienced a blackout...yet. We are all one blackout away from doing something that we've only heard about in a meeting. That is pretty scary. I'm like you, that will never be me, but if I drink again, it could be me.

Gordo19721986

Well I'm one week sober. Yay me. I talked to my ex today and to make it short she is shocked I took accountability for my actions and decided to find sobriety. I asked her if she would ever give me a chance again if I was sober and she said "I don't know". I told her that was fine and to take as long as she needed to figure out how she feels about all of this. She's skeptical and deservedly so. I'm thinking she needs to see some real progress and that will take time. I'm proud of myself because I told her withdrew or without her I will be sober and find a better life. She said she knows. So she either loves me enough to give me a second chance or she doesn't. I would like her with me but I know I need my sobriety more than I need her in my life. Good things will follow. Off to see my therapist for the first time in the morning. Wish me luck. I thank all of you for all of the perspective I've gained from your advice. Its made my week so much easier. Today was a perfect day. I feel I said all the right things to my ex and showed some strength for a change.

Dee74

Congratulations on your week Gordo

D

ttbp

Well done on your week xx

TheTinMan

Congrats on your week!

Littletori

Hi Gordo & welcome!
I hope you have been encouraged by the support and inspiration you have received, i hope it has helped and that you feel more positive about your recovery.
All of us on SR have experienced or are still experiencing break downs in relationships due to our addictions and our unreasonable behaviour!
Keep Strong & believe in yourself be proud at what you have achieved so far! give your partner time but prove to her you can do this!

cuyootoo

Congratulations !!! Great job!

artsoul

Good job on a week sober!

Feeling good about myself again was a huge bonus of sobriety. I'm glad you were able to find that in the way you handled things with your ex. Congratulations!