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Old 10-31-2011, 06:11 PM
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Hi.

I wrote this in my blog, but I figured i'd copy and paste it here too:

I'm 25 years old. I have an addiction to pain killers.

I have suffered with headaches and backaches since puberty. I have had 3 MRIs, CAT scans, been to dozens of doctors, neurologists, chiropractors, sleep studies etc. No one can every find anything abnormal.

When I was 21 years old, I went to a new doctor who was okay with giving me muscle relaxers and vicodin. I got fired from my job and took a turn for the worst emotionally and started taking the vicodin and muscle relaxers more frequently. I spiraled down from there. As my tolerance grew, he continued to fill my refills more frequently. I was up to 120 pills a week. That was just the pain killers. After a year of this, he dumped me as a patient.

My new doctor knows of my history, therefore doesn't prescribe them. I have suffered debt from accessing them illegally. I'm lost.

It takes me 6 Norcos (10mg hydrocodone) now to feel a thing. I'm extremely afraid of liver failure. I don't know how to stop. I'm in pain everyday and I know this is worse because my brain has stopped producing the chemical that blocks pain, because it has been getting it from the pain killers.

I can never go more than a week without some kind of pain killer. I have gone a month or so, but lately I can't even do that. Since it's so expensive illegally, my usage is much lower than before, but it's still a problem, a big one. If I have them, I take them. I can't save them as hard as I try.

I also dabble in xanax, muscle relaxers, tramodol, percocet, marijuana...anything I can get my hands on that will provide some kind of relief. I am ashamed. I am disgusted with myself.

I'm afraid to go to NA meetings to learn the steps and get a proper sponsor. I work in the school system and am so afraid of seeing someone I know. Or someone seeing me and recognizing me and telling someone I know.

I can't tell my family. My relationship with my mother is so damaging and awful. She treats addicts like they are awful people. Before I was addicted, she caught me stealing back painkillers I found out she stole from me a year prior when I had my wisdom teeth out. Now any argument we have, she brings it up calling me a pill popper and addict, mentally ill etc. She can't know how bad it has gotten. I'm just now coming to grips with how abusive she is verbally but it doesn't make it any easier. I also take Cymbalta for depression/anxiety/pain.



I need someone to talk to. I found this site. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I should go to a meeting but I haven't found the courage. I'm a coward. I hate who I've become.
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Old 10-31-2011, 06:26 PM
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Hi SilentCries
I'm sorry for your situation.

I wonder have you tried a dedicated pain clinic for your pain - anything must be better than getting pills illegally - I'd imagine getting caught for that could be a lot more damaging to your reputation than being seen at a NA meeting too...not to mention the dangers that can always happen on the streets.

I think it's clear you need to do something different.
If you think NA is the next step, why not go to a different town for a meeting for example?

You'll find a lot of support and ideas here too

You might also find our substance abuse forum of some use as well:
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome
D

Last edited by Dee74; 10-31-2011 at 06:46 PM. Reason: fixed half thoughts
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Old 10-31-2011, 06:32 PM
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Hi Silent Cries,

Idon't have much advice about pain killer addiction, I just want to say HI and welcome you here.

The support of meetings and this forum has helped me so much.

CaiHong
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Old 10-31-2011, 06:36 PM
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You are not a coward. I understand how you have come to hate yourself, because I hated myself too when I was lost in addiction, but please know you can help yourself.

As Dee suggested, try a pain clinic to see if you can find some alternative to help you deal with the pain you feel. NA might help you and so might reading our message boards.

In my opinion, it would be very helpful to cut off contact with your mother, at least until a time when you are feeling stronger. The last thing you need is for the person who should be loving and caring to you, to be abusing you.
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Old 10-31-2011, 07:02 PM
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Please don't hate yourself - you are not a bad person. You are sick. Welcome to SR - you will find a lot of love and support here.
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Old 10-31-2011, 09:27 PM
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Thank you everyone. I am looking forward to working on bettering myself, learning the steps and communicating with all of you. I have never spoke to anyone who has struggled with addiction, I've been alone. I think this place is a good thing.

Anna- I currently still live with my parents. I try to avoid my mother as much as possible, but it is pretty impossible. I am house sitting for a week, the break will be nice. Her negativity and critisms & put downs are exhausting. I know once I move out our relationship will be better, and it'll be a lot easier to work on myself. I am still trying everyday, I have to. But, I allow her to interrupt any progress simply because I don't know how to not, and how to block her out.
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Old 11-01-2011, 01:33 AM
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Welcome to the family. Do take a look at our substance abuse forum for support from people who have been where you are right now.
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