In a large nutshell
 

I have a long story, but I will try to condense it as much as I can. Hell,I may have evem told this story here beofre, it' been so long.
I drank a beer for the first time at 15. It was disgusting. Marijuana. however, was not. I began using that, LSD, and MDMA regularly by the time I was sixteen until 17. I conceived my 1st son at 17 and laid off the drugs for a while but picked them back up when my son was a toddler. Then it was alcohol and cocaine, primarily, until I turned 21, then I saw no need to continue using illegal drugs when I could get as f**ed up as I wanted to, so long as I didn't drive, hurt anyone, etc.
I have been a bringe drinker since I was 21. Hell, everyone I know was (and is, pretty much) a binge drinker. It didn't bother me. I still dabbled in cocaine here and there but that lost its appeal long ago. But God, did I love to get drunk. The freedom. I turned from a shy loner into everyone's best friend. I danced better while intoxicated. I turned into a much more sexually uninhibited person.
When I was about 22/23, I got so drunk at Pleasure Island at Disney World in Orlando, that I could not get up from the bathroom stall. I had vomited repeatedly all down the front of my dress, and absolutely could not move. I begged and pleaded with the strangers in there to please take me to the hospital, but they refused. They had to wheel me out of the bathroom to the hotel shuttle, where I continued to vomit all the way back to the hotel. I felt so bad about that.
That didn't stop me though. I've driven drunk so many times I've lost count. I've never had a DUI, an accident or been arrested because of anything I did while drunk. However, here are some of the things I DID do while drunk:

• sleep with people I didn't like
• flirt with married people
• make out with a man while I was married
• drive my son around in the car while drinking
• drink at work
• drink at 7:00 AM to help a hangover
• act like a complete and total ass.

The most recent severe episode was about 2 months ago. I went out with some girlfriends and drank WAAAYYY more than I should have. I couldn't even walk, yet I insisted on driving. I literally could not see straight. I had to drive with one eye closed because I was seeing double. I had to stop in a parking lot to vomit, then got back in the car and wet home. I got in the bath, thinking it would help, but then found out I could not get out. So, I just leaned over the side of the tub and repeatedly puked all over the bath mat.
I justify it in my mind by saying, "Oh, I'm not that bad. I've never been arrested, never been in a fight, haven't lost a job, haven't lost custody of my kids, have a nice house, car, etc...." It's like this is a pissing contest in my mind!?!?!?
I have abused my prescribed clonazepam (Klonopin) multiple times. I stopped drinking two weeks ago, but guess what I did this weekend"? Had a Klonopin binge. I had been hoarding the stuff for months, because I haven't felt like I wanted or needed it. But I'm popping them like Chiclets now.
I am scared. I know I'm going to have to get rid of the stuff TONIGHT.
I went to an AA meeting last night. I felt out of place, as I usually do. I feel like my drug/alcohol problem isn't as bad as theirs, and I can just handle it on my own. BUT...I have NO sober friends. NONE. I don't know what the f**k am I going to do with my life. This is how I know I'm serious. Because I am scared to death. This is a major life change. I want to go to AA, for the social support and to meet other sober folks, but I feel like I'm not "one of them". I don't smoke, as well (something else I quit), and that makes me feel like an outsider. I also don't want to say that I am powerless over alcohol/drugs. I just can't get with that.
Sorry this was so long, but I have to get this out. I have absolutely NO ONE to talk to about this. They will minimize my past behaviors and are basically no help. They mean well, but they don't understand.
I am SCARED. I don't want this to be my life. I need help. I don't like asking for help and never getting to the point where I feel like I can give someting back, and it is getting old. This has been going on for too long.
:a108:

Hi watchful

I'm not in AA but I think anything new is probably going to feel a little uncomfortable for a while - if you think AA might be your thing, I really encourage you to stick with it - maybe try a few different meetings?

Welcome to SR - you'll find a lot of support here too :)
D

Welcome Watchful,

Thank you for posting your story. According to your post you may not be powerless over alcohol but it certainly has a tight grip.

It is great that you have decided to do something about your drinking. I am over 5 months sober and I am staying sober with the help of AA and this forum. You are right when you said you need the support, I certainly do.

I went to my first women's meeting yeaterday, it took me 5 hours to get there but it was well worth it. I fitted in perfectly because I am an alcoholic who wants to remain sober, that is all I need to fit in.

The alcoholic mind can find a lot of reasons to drink or not attend meetings being a non smoker is just another one.

I sincerely wish you all the srength on this remarkable journey.

CaiHong

Hi Watchful and welcome to SR

Welcome back!:) I'm glad you're back and determined to make a sober life for yourself. You've been here before so I'm sure you know how much help and support there is here. Well, use that help and support to get yourself sober and start to live an enjoyable life.:ghug3

Hi Watchful! Welcome and thanks for posting.

I always hated the powerless stuff, too, and it seems a lot of binge drinkers have a problem with the idea too.

I always pictured a cartoon scene where someone opens a fridge and sees a beer there and can't help but drink it. But of course that's not true. Most of us can avoid drinking that beer, at least for a while, and many of us can avoid drinking it for a long while.

The thing that finally clicked for me was the notion that even if I could avoid drinking, and even if I could go several times with just a few drinks (to prove my control), that eventually I would drink a heck of a lot more than I wanted to, and once I got to that point I would just keep on drinking -- that I was at times powerless before alcohol.

I'm not in AA, and some AA members may have a different take on this, but to me the whole powerless line is like the God thing in AA -- put as many qualifiers or replacement words there as you want until the basic concept behind it clicks.

Sounds like you've done some things drunk that you wouldn't willingly do sober, and yet have continued to return to drinking. We all have, so I'm not being critical -- but that sounds like some degree of powerlessness to me.

Any how -- there are lots of alternatives to AA that you could explore, and posting here is a great start to making at least some online sober friends!

Hi Watchful,

Whether or not you decide to go to AA, I hope you decide to stop drinking. You have many good reasons for making the choice to live a sober life, and we are here to support you.

Know for sure that you can do this and you never have to go through anything like that again.

I'm glad your son hasn't found your stash. Prayers to him.

Watchful,

Thank you for telling your story. I am a female 59 years old, went to rehab at 35, sober for 8 years, drank, sober for 9 years, then started drinking again 4 years ago when I moved to Austin from Atlanta to escape an abusive husband. I am now 83 days sober, and feel fortunate to not be in jail or six feet under.

Your story sounds a lot like mine, I totally relate (unfortunately). Please, please stop drinking. I know it does no good to plead, but let me tell you - you are very, very lucky to not have had tragic consequences because of your drinking (me too). You know it is only a matter of time before your luck will run out. And, as you know, this is progressive. Each time I got sober again after falling off the proverbial wagon it was harder to quit drinking. And I don't know how old you are, but drinking will not only destroy your health (if you aren't healthy you don't have anything), it also messes with your looks, big time. I recently saw a friend I hadn't seen since I quit drinking and she wouldn't stop asking me what I did to look so healthy. I guess not having a bloated face and red eyes didn't do much for me.

I know you don't need preaching to, I am sorry if I come off that way. It is just that I have been where you are - it is so painful and very, very scary. I get scared even now thinking of it. I am so very sorry you are going through this. It is living hell.

You don't want to know what your bottom is. You don't have to live this way, you really don't. Bless you.

I don't have a "stash" of anything. Thanks for keeping him (actually, I have two) in your prayers.

That makes a lot of sense to me. I tend to see things in black and white. So I thought, hey, I'm not completely out of control, so that means I'm in control. (!?!?!?)

You are in control, control of making the decision to quit....Its just unfortunate that some peoples genetic make up is allergic to alcohol..That is one is never enough its always over the top. The same way some people are react to nuts or whatever. The thing is we make up the population where our bodies crave, for alcohol. One drink sets a chain reaction. So to be in control one needs to accept their condition and do something because it will never change. Gud Luck, take it one day at a time