I feel like a loser, then I use...and suicide?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 144
I feel like a loser, then I use...and suicide?
I'm sorry for the long post, but I feel I might not be OK right now, and I'm not sure what to do.
So I have been in college for around four years now. I did very well in college GPA wise when I took mostly classes that involved many practical assignments, such as English and Math classes. However, since I got into a new major a year ago, I can't seem to do the amount of reading that is required for it, and I have gotten a low GPA over time because I both have trouble focusing on the reading and actually sitting down to do it. Mom told me that if I did not get a better GPA than last quarter (which could result in my removal from my university), then I could not come home, essentially being homeless.
The day I got back to school, this really frightened me, and I have used different substances about every day to deal with that. At first, I didn't think much about it. But, in the past few weeks, I have been using things more in order to not think about the shame I feel about me struggling in school, being frustrated about my sexual orientation, having money problems, and feeling like I am the disappointment and black sheep of my family.
The other day I was really sulking about this. I cried because I felt so disappointed at myself for not being able to really push on with this major. At the same time, I felt helpless because time is running out and I am struggling even more, then I use drugs or alcohol because I feel like such an idiot and a bum.
Over the past few weeks I have been dwelling on how I could not go on if I got kicked out of college and I could not go home, on top of the parent loan debt I would be left with and maybe no work. During this time, death has come up as an answer, but at first I wouldn't even consider that. The other day, though, I felt indifferent and thought for a while about how suicide was something I really should consider doing because the aftermath of my failure could be devastating.
Finally, I went on Facebook and saw that my sister invited me to her christmas dinner at her house. I love my sister with everything in me, and it really saddened me when I clicked on the 'accept' button because I felt I could not promise being around to show up to it. I have been in the hospital three times for attempted suicide in the past, if that matters.
Help...
So I have been in college for around four years now. I did very well in college GPA wise when I took mostly classes that involved many practical assignments, such as English and Math classes. However, since I got into a new major a year ago, I can't seem to do the amount of reading that is required for it, and I have gotten a low GPA over time because I both have trouble focusing on the reading and actually sitting down to do it. Mom told me that if I did not get a better GPA than last quarter (which could result in my removal from my university), then I could not come home, essentially being homeless.
The day I got back to school, this really frightened me, and I have used different substances about every day to deal with that. At first, I didn't think much about it. But, in the past few weeks, I have been using things more in order to not think about the shame I feel about me struggling in school, being frustrated about my sexual orientation, having money problems, and feeling like I am the disappointment and black sheep of my family.
The other day I was really sulking about this. I cried because I felt so disappointed at myself for not being able to really push on with this major. At the same time, I felt helpless because time is running out and I am struggling even more, then I use drugs or alcohol because I feel like such an idiot and a bum.
Over the past few weeks I have been dwelling on how I could not go on if I got kicked out of college and I could not go home, on top of the parent loan debt I would be left with and maybe no work. During this time, death has come up as an answer, but at first I wouldn't even consider that. The other day, though, I felt indifferent and thought for a while about how suicide was something I really should consider doing because the aftermath of my failure could be devastating.
Finally, I went on Facebook and saw that my sister invited me to her christmas dinner at her house. I love my sister with everything in me, and it really saddened me when I clicked on the 'accept' button because I felt I could not promise being around to show up to it. I have been in the hospital three times for attempted suicide in the past, if that matters.
Help...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
hi tealvertigo.
first, you are not alone. many here, who know how you are feeling right now. and there is always hope. always!
have you seen a doctor? it might be a very good idea, for some support there as well. depression is very treatable, and it sounds like you are overwhelmed right now. i am sure that you r family would not want you to be feeling this way, and getting something for depression might give you the clarity of mind to help you think about this is a different way. suicide is never, never the answer. it just takes away your chance for a life. we are here. i have to run to work, but there will be others to come and talk with. as i said, you are not alone in these feelings. but there is a way to make things better. and suicide is not it. so, why not get to your doctor first, and stick around here too. hugs,
chicory
first, you are not alone. many here, who know how you are feeling right now. and there is always hope. always!
have you seen a doctor? it might be a very good idea, for some support there as well. depression is very treatable, and it sounds like you are overwhelmed right now. i am sure that you r family would not want you to be feeling this way, and getting something for depression might give you the clarity of mind to help you think about this is a different way. suicide is never, never the answer. it just takes away your chance for a life. we are here. i have to run to work, but there will be others to come and talk with. as i said, you are not alone in these feelings. but there is a way to make things better. and suicide is not it. so, why not get to your doctor first, and stick around here too. hugs,
chicory
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
tealvertigo...I hope you will find peace today, despite your troubles.
Suicide has been a daily consideration throughout most of my life. Now, it is just a passing thought by which I gauge the relativity of my situation to a broader perspective of life. Nonetheless, the fact that it still enters my mind, even though fleetingly, is, I'm sure, a factor in the depression that still haunts me from time to time.
My urging to you, as hard as it may sound, is to force yourself out of the inflective perspective that allows such thoughts to command your time. What has worked for me is to use some of my time and focus on the well-being of others, rather than myself. I know it can seem that the world is crashing in on you, what with the anxiety of your mothers admonition, and the prospect of homelessness. Have you considered that maybe your change in major is just not right for you? If you have thrived in the other subjects, why not continue with them?
If you are able to, try to imagine your life in a continuum, not the vacuum of living in a bubble of time around the present. If you are able to envision your long-term future, you might see how today's troubles were merely a blip in the totality of time that is your life. Quitting life now ends that continuum prematurely, and tragically. So perish the thought.
I'm not stating any of this lightly. I have been homeless, diseased, and penniless, all at once. It is a desparate time of life that I wouldn't wish for anyone. But, in that time I found strength in myself, and trust in my Lord, God. Those lessons have never left me in the 30 years since. I am now able to trust in the thinnest of times that send normal folks through the roof.
I urge you to find a quiet place to be alone, and ask God for guidance. Share your entire heart with Him. He will guide you, and give you peace. And, find an AA meeting. There is as much or more wisdom in those rooms as there is in any college faculty meeting.
Peace,
Suicide has been a daily consideration throughout most of my life. Now, it is just a passing thought by which I gauge the relativity of my situation to a broader perspective of life. Nonetheless, the fact that it still enters my mind, even though fleetingly, is, I'm sure, a factor in the depression that still haunts me from time to time.
My urging to you, as hard as it may sound, is to force yourself out of the inflective perspective that allows such thoughts to command your time. What has worked for me is to use some of my time and focus on the well-being of others, rather than myself. I know it can seem that the world is crashing in on you, what with the anxiety of your mothers admonition, and the prospect of homelessness. Have you considered that maybe your change in major is just not right for you? If you have thrived in the other subjects, why not continue with them?
If you are able to, try to imagine your life in a continuum, not the vacuum of living in a bubble of time around the present. If you are able to envision your long-term future, you might see how today's troubles were merely a blip in the totality of time that is your life. Quitting life now ends that continuum prematurely, and tragically. So perish the thought.
I'm not stating any of this lightly. I have been homeless, diseased, and penniless, all at once. It is a desparate time of life that I wouldn't wish for anyone. But, in that time I found strength in myself, and trust in my Lord, God. Those lessons have never left me in the 30 years since. I am now able to trust in the thinnest of times that send normal folks through the roof.
I urge you to find a quiet place to be alone, and ask God for guidance. Share your entire heart with Him. He will guide you, and give you peace. And, find an AA meeting. There is as much or more wisdom in those rooms as there is in any college faculty meeting.
Peace,
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Teal
I'm sorry you're feeling so low.
I think it's time to unburden yourself from some of that worry - it's a heck of a lot fir anyone to carry alone.
I'm guessing your campus has counsellors - or maybe you have a therapist of your own or a Dr you trust?
I think it's time to open up to someone and let them know about all these problems and worries you're having.
I'm sure there's help and support out there, and a way out that doesn't involve you harming yourself.
Here a link to some reading and a lot of crisis hotline numbers - please do read through it all - you might find something in there that helps.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I've been overwhelmed more than once in my life and I've felt trapped and cornered too - I thought of suicide as well, I have to admit.
I'm so glad I reached out for help instead - I would have missed out on a lot of good years
There were solutions...there always are - but I was so lost in the middle of a great ocean of despair, I needed someone else's perspective and input to bring me into shore.
Take care of yourself Teal - you're one of the members I always recognise here and I'll be thinking of you...
find that help
D
I'm sorry you're feeling so low.
I think it's time to unburden yourself from some of that worry - it's a heck of a lot fir anyone to carry alone.
I'm guessing your campus has counsellors - or maybe you have a therapist of your own or a Dr you trust?
I think it's time to open up to someone and let them know about all these problems and worries you're having.
I'm sure there's help and support out there, and a way out that doesn't involve you harming yourself.
Here a link to some reading and a lot of crisis hotline numbers - please do read through it all - you might find something in there that helps.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I've been overwhelmed more than once in my life and I've felt trapped and cornered too - I thought of suicide as well, I have to admit.
I'm so glad I reached out for help instead - I would have missed out on a lot of good years
There were solutions...there always are - but I was so lost in the middle of a great ocean of despair, I needed someone else's perspective and input to bring me into shore.
Take care of yourself Teal - you're one of the members I always recognise here and I'll be thinking of you...
find that help
D
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
Oh, I am so sorry you are suffering *hug* Lofty made some wonderful points, as did others. I have suffered from mental illness for most of my life, going back to early childhood. I've been plagued by thoughts of suicide for a very long time and have attempted more than a couple of times. It is so important that you reach out, you are not alone. I cannot say that I am much better today but suicidal thoughts have somewhat taken a back seat. In no means, has it completely gone away.
I agree about finding someone to talk to about this,amongst the other struggles you are facing right now - you've got your plate full. Also, like Lofty mentioned, have you considered going back to your previous major? Sounds like you were in a much better place at that point.
Suicidal thoughts are taken very seriously and it sounds like you need help. I know how hard it can be to reach out but Depression is treatable although I won't lie, I've spent the last 10 years searching for the right meds to treat my Depression/Bipolar. It isn't always easy finding the right Dr. and the right meds. Some are very fortunate to find the right ones quickly. It might take some time but you ARE worth it. There is no better time then to reach out and get some help.
I've been thru a lot of sh-it in my life so I understand feelings of being depressed, isolated,skeptical and suicidal. You don't have to go thru this alone.
((hugs))
-Jess
I agree about finding someone to talk to about this,amongst the other struggles you are facing right now - you've got your plate full. Also, like Lofty mentioned, have you considered going back to your previous major? Sounds like you were in a much better place at that point.
Suicidal thoughts are taken very seriously and it sounds like you need help. I know how hard it can be to reach out but Depression is treatable although I won't lie, I've spent the last 10 years searching for the right meds to treat my Depression/Bipolar. It isn't always easy finding the right Dr. and the right meds. Some are very fortunate to find the right ones quickly. It might take some time but you ARE worth it. There is no better time then to reach out and get some help.
I've been thru a lot of sh-it in my life so I understand feelings of being depressed, isolated,skeptical and suicidal. You don't have to go thru this alone.
((hugs))
-Jess
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
I'm sorry you're going through this, I don't know much about the college system but I think it's right to talk to a counselor about this. You definitely need to be looking after your health at a time like this. I lost a family member too soon, they probably didn't feel very valuable at the time they died (I know when you feel this way how your thoughts can be colored, but that perception was so incorrect), and it is so painful for us today. Please if you're at this point, get some help and don't be afraid to ask for some support. Make sure you see your sister for Christmas.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
I'm sorry that you feel so low.
Please make use of the counsellors and/or doctors at your college and try to get help for yourself. I think you are caught up in the downward spiral and I know how hopeless that feels. But, you can free yourself and begin to recover.
Please make use of the counsellors and/or doctors at your college and try to get help for yourself. I think you are caught up in the downward spiral and I know how hopeless that feels. But, you can free yourself and begin to recover.
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