bleslie

I first posted here about two months ago, and am really feeling the need for support again so decided to introduce myself.

Here goes...mom of three, decent profession, hard-working, and loyal to a fault would be my positives. Negatives would be that I have weak boundaries in my marriage, have enabled his drinking, get angry, sad, etc on a regular basis, and have pretty intense anxiety. Very tough childhood with an alcoholic stepfather who beat my mom, and lots of bad experiences myself.

Back Story: We've been together for 5 years with lots of ups and downs. In the beginning of summer I pushed for a planned separation to give myself time to work on some of the aforementioned negatives, and the space helped him to see his drinking problem for what it is. He stopped a month and a half ago, so I let him move back in.

Currently: He's sober, but angry. Now instead of name-calling, he is more subtle yet as controlling as ever. I suspect he is mourning his drinking identity. He's negative all the time, completely focused on himself, and is extremely critical and judgmental. Awful to say, but I almost liked him better drinking. At least he had a sense of humor sometimes!

I'm feeling myself falling into some of the old patterns...afraid to do or say things out of fear that he will become insulting and critical. Overworking to try to cope with feelings of insecurity and inferiority. Battling feelings of self-loathing when I think that I have contributed to all of this. And lots of uncertainty as to how I will proceed. The fragile self-confidence I was beginning to build while he was out for those months is becoming weaker and weaker by the day.

Please tell me I'm not crazy...and share any thoughts/feelings you have on the subject.

Thanks for listening!

TheTinMan

Welcome back Bleslie!

You are not crazy.

Coming here is a good start and I think you will find a lot of help and support here.

Have you checked out the friends and family section of these forums? If you get a chance check them out.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

brighterdays4us

Hello, I am on my second day of sobriety. I am a former al anon who 15 years later would turn to alcohol believing (or wanting to) It would not get the better of me...Well after nearly four years of drinking for the most part (with lapses in between) daily. I am seeing and feeling and living with the terrible effects this addiction has had on me and my family. Not many people know the extent of my problem because to be honest I think they thought I knew better being in the program in my early 20's. I too thought I could outsmart the disease. Well I am scared today, lonely, regretful and I feel alot of shame for what I became while drinking. I said hurtful words, acted out selfishly disregarding others feelings and basically became a different person. Its easy to drink when your alone all day, I tell myself I will only have three and the next thing I know I have had 12. I am only 135 lbs so I guess my body metabolizes it very quickly...My dad died of alcoholism after leaving behind many many scars on our family.....I am sickened by the fact that I chose to start drinking and wreaked so much havoc at an age when I should know better...I have been reading self help books for years to make sure I did not destroy my life the way soo many of my relatives have and then I have to look in the mirror and face the bitter truth.....I just want it to end....Today I had a thought after feeling horrible after my last 12 beer binge, of just going to buy one beer, but I know thats how this whole nightmare started. I have been very depressed for two days, but I am sober and for that I am grateful. Thank you

Ghostly

I agree you're not crazy, and please check out the link Tin posted. There are great people there that will be brutally honest.

From your post, it sounds like you are not in a healthy relationship. It seems to be bringing you down, and you were feeling better when you were not in it. These are signs you need to reevaluate the relationship.

Good luck. Welcome to SR.