Jdkarlson

Well, the good news is that I have been drug free for 28 days. I feel strong and don't have any urge to use. I suppose i would feel satisfied with myself if I wasn't so unhappy. I know if I were to use, I couldn't deal with the come down and the fact that my house is empty since my wife left. Being in early recovery and going through divorce with the person you spent about everyday of the last eight years sucks. It would be easier for me if I hated her; then i could use he hatred to power me through. But I don't. I love her and I can't stand the way I feel. I don't know what to do. I would usually check out right now, but I fear I would be hysterical when I come down--- afraid what I might do to myself.

Last weekend we gave our rings back. We went out one last time with her family(who don't know). Broke my heart to know that they are gone for me. I left monday for Martha's vineyard to move my grandmother from he island to my fathers house in south Carolina. My wife left for California to be with a friend that I thought she no longer contacted because he friend never liked me. So I bet I will be bashed beyond belief.

I was miserable in the marriage and spent a lot of time trying to fill the loveless
hole in me, by staying high. I don't understand why i am so upset about a relationship that left me so unfulfilled. I am tired of feeling sad ALL the time. I want it to stop.

What i am afraid of is, Heroin makes me not care. I like not caring. In December, I am going to visit a friend in Vietnam where heroin is very cheap.(by American standards). I worry about my low tolerance, about taking a vacation on my vacation. I have OD twice in my life: once on coke and once on heroin. The coke OD was painful: I about chewed my tongue off in seizures. The heroin OD I didn't even know what happened. Baring the existence of an eternal hell, you can guess which I would pick. I do not know how to make these bad feelings go away naturally. What do normal people do, walk around and feel like this all the time? Living sucks if this is how it will be....

Sorry for the bummer post. I am happy about my month clean. But what is the point of being clean if living is so miserable?

Anna

Hi,

Congratulations on your 28 days sober!

Well, I don't think anyone feels good all the time. There are always ups and downs in life and some days are easier than others. It sounds like you're going through a breakup right now and still in early recovery, so just hang in there and try to get through it.

I would advise you to skip the vacation to Vietnam because I think you believe you are too vulnerable and it sounds like it could be dangerous for you. Why not wait awhile before you go there?

Dee74

I agree with Anna - the Vietnam vacation sounds like an invitation to a whole lot of trouble you don't need right now.

I think you need to cut yourself some slack - you're going through a lot of life changes right now - a lot of them are not pleasant ones - it's perfectly normal to feel sad and empty. We're mean to feel that that way, deal with the it and hopefully come out the other side having learned some stuff and having maybe even grown for the experience.

It's also perfectly normal for guys like us to want to not feel things for a while....but the longer I stay in recovery the more I see thats not a normal way to feel and in fact it's very self destructive.

I lost a year of my life over a breakup - I don't remember 1997 at all.
That's some scary stuff right there.

I know it's hard, and it hurts, and it's scary - but you're not alone here

D

Hevyn

Hi jd - It's good that you wanted to talk about your feelings. I wish I had some magic words of wisdom for you. All I know is, when I first quit drinking I felt almost the same way. It wasn't instant happiness & peace of mind. I had to get used to dealing with raw emotions without my "buffer" - alcohol.

You already know using isn't going to solve a thing. You have to face your feelings and work through them. As Dee said, we're meant to feel that way at times - it's how we grow. I spent my whole life trying to avoid uncomfortable situations, and it backfired on me terribly. You can deal with these emotions with a clear head, process them - and then move on to a happier life. We're with you on this journey - you can do it.

Deserto

JD, I'm glad to see you. I was just thinking about you earlier today and was wondering how you were doing. I'm sad to hear you're going through a rough time but am really impressed by your 28 days sober -- that is awesome!

Do everything you can to keep it up -- it's amazing what you're doing. I can imagine how hard it is to go through the break up of your marriage but I do believe that by staying sober you'll more quickly find the perspective you need to help you heal. It will take time though, so hang on.

I agree with others that Vietnam might be a bit too big of a temptation for you, especially if your friend uses. If not, it may be a different story. Only you can decide but you can always make the trip later.

Stay strong JD, you're doing incredible staying sober here. And no need to apologize for "bummer" posts -- that's what we're here for!

Threshold

Hi JD,

I am right there with you. Going through divorce after 25 years, lost, afraid, alone. Lost my "in laws" too. Ouch, and what for? That is where I just have to have faith that the good people here are being square with me. I don't know what lies ahead for me if I stay in recovery, but they tell me that it's worth it.

And I don't have much to lose, so...on I go,.

28 days clean is amazing. We are stronger than we wish we had to be. We are stronger than we want to be.

I've had to say "no" to my own versions of a Vietnam vacation. Recovery has to come first, or there is pretty much no "after". You know yourself, your addiction and your ability to justify anything if you really want to. I don't know what the right answer is for you, but I have found out swallowing my pride has NEVER caused me to OD and wake up in an ambulance, ER, or back of a cop car. Swallowing other things...well, you know how that goes

sugarbear1

been to any meetings? working any steps?

congrats on 28 days!

sissy07

HI JD,

I really sympathize with you, and am so, so proud of you for stopping the use of those drugs that will KILL you.

I went through the same thing when I got sober 13 years ago (I relapsed 9 years later). It was tough.....even though it was a terrible marriage. As you get more sober time it will be easier to handle. Once some time past I realized the divorce was the best thing that could have happened to me. Life is short....you owe yourself more than living like that. It will help that you are geographically apart. Your self esteem will improve dramatically the longer you are sober, and you will find that life will just open up. If you were miserable with her, you deserve better. Ride it out. It will better, as long as you don't use. Going to Vietnam sounds like a disaster....too soon in your sobriety, if you ask me. Take care and know you have us fellow users pulling for you. I am sorry you are going through a hard time.

lostj

JD, I havent posted here under this name, and I usually don't post, however, I was compelled because of your situation. It's great that you have 28 days, but I would highly go against taking that vacation in Vietnam. I know from experience that changing locations will not make your problems go away. You just have the same problems but new place which invites possibilities for new problems. This summer I went to Europe, and I had over 6 months of sobriety and I came out of rehab. I thought I could go on vacation and not use or drink. I was wrong. I ended up relapsing over there, and the continuance kept going even when I came back to the US. You even know that heroin is cheaper over there, and it doesnt seem to be very hard to obtain. I'm almost positive that if you make that trip, it will just make your situation worse.

instant

It is early days, things take time. Joining a support group might help

Dee74

welcome (back) to SR lostj

D

kcvalentine

I'm so proud of you! What an accomplishment! Sending you boundless strength, softness and healing as you make this transition in your life.

kc

Jdkarlson

I appreciate all the kind words and support. Part of my depression is the thought of going home and the house being empty. I never liked to be alone except if I was high. Then all I wanted was to be alone with my drug. Those days are gone. I will miss the companionship but not the lack of physical affection. So tired of being lonely. Anyway, tomorrow is 30 days. I have finished moving
My grandmother to south Carolina and am heading home to an empty house. I am afraid to walk in there. Afraid to be alone. Afraid of why I will do when all I have is Loneliness and fear that I can't shake. Makes me crazy and then I look for a way out. The only feelings worse are being dopesick....so i will think about how much more painful being dopesick is....
Thanks to all for hanging with me. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Knowing others have been there and been through similar things helps.

Much love to you all


Jack

Jdkarlson

I appreciate all the kind words and support. Part of my depression is the thought of going home and the house being empty. I never liked to be alone except if I was high. Then all I wanted was to be alone with my drug. Those days are gone. I will miss the companionship but not the lack of physical affection. So tired of being lonely. Anyway, tomorrow is 30 days. I have finished moving
My grandmother to south Carolina and am heading home to an empty house. I am afraid to walk in there. Afraid to be alone. Afraid of why I will do when all I have is Loneliness and fear that I can't shake. Makes me crazy and then I look for a way out. The only feelings worse are being dopesick....so i will think about how much more painful being dopesick is....
Thanks to all for hanging with me. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Knowing others have been there and been through similar things helps.

Much love to you all


Jack

suki44883

Get a dog. Or two. Seriously. Having an animal around who loves you unconditionally and depends on you for it's very existence is a great cure for loneliness. Check out our Animal Grats thread in the Gratitude forum and see how much we love our pets and how much joy and comfort they bring.

least

IF you're ready to take on the responsibility for a dog, yes, then adopt a homeless shelter dog. You'll be doing yourself and that poor lonely dog a big favor. My three dogs are all rescues and all of them are my daily therapy. I am responsible for their lives and well being and it's one of my biggest reasons to stay sober so I can take good care of them and give them happy healthy lives.

If you like dogs and have the means to take care of them then adopting a shelter dog is a great way to cure your loneliness and theirs.

suki44883

Yeah, I left out that part about loving dogs and being willing to take on the responsibility. I know most people do and are, but yeah, you have to be in a position to be able to do it. Good point, least!

LoftyIdeals

Hey jd...sorry you are struggling. Early sobriety alone can be tough, and the divorce doesn't help. But, I was glad to see your post today. I'm on day 83 today from alcohol and rx drugs. The days are getting better, as is the demeanor and mood. All can say is hang in there, it gets better.

I can totally see why you may not want to go home. Maybe you shouldn't for a while. Stay at a hotel for a week where you can read in the lobby and be around people. If that's not a choice, stay out; at the library or mall or something. I guess I could see myself working myself into a real fit in isolation at an empty home with recent sadness. Although a good healthy cry might not be a bad thing, I would try hard not to rue beyond that point. Instead, get busy - with anything but using.

I remember from your initial post that you have a company, which I hope gives you some flexibility with your time. I am also self-employed, and often choose to work from home rather than go in to the office. I go in a couple times a week for hours at a time. After reading your post, I can see that I've been isolating, under the guise of wanting to be more productive. Don't ask how I got that out of your post, but I did.

I recommend you do everything you can to avoid isolating.

And I'm in the popular consensus with Vietnam...don't do it. If your friend there doesn't use, maybe he or she can come to the states?

Anyway, you are not alone, and are definitely in the right place at SR.

Peace,

laurie6781

JD I am going to be very open here.

First, you may have hit 30 days, which don't get me wrong is really GREAT, but what have you done about working on you? Getting to the root. Now if you don't want anything to do with NA where you will find others in recovery with probably a lot of good 'tips' on how to stay clean in 'bad situations', then it might be time to find an Addiction Therapist, that is also clean and sober many years.

Second, since you are so 'new' to recovery, it might be in your BEST INTERESTS to postpone that December trip to your friend in Viet Nam.

Third, don't know if you are a dog or cat person, but many on here (both males and females) can tell you how much HELP having a 'fur kid' in their life has been for their recovery.

Fourth, I suspect a good part of your not wanting to go home to an 'empty' house is because you don't want to be alone WITH YOU. Most of us have been there friend, some to greater degrees than others. When I arrived at recovery and walked into my first meeting, I 'hated' everybody. But the corker was, the one I really hated the most was MYSELF. And it took me 3 months to figure that one out and it was only the 'tip of the iceberg.'

Keep reading a lot of other posts. Many on here, have found through trial and error that 'quitting' by themselves JUST DIDN'T WORK.

So ................................. since you 'seem' sincere in your posts, how about checking out some of the means, programs, etc to assist you in your recovery?

J M H O

Love and hugs,

soberlicious

I went through my divorce (15 year marriage, 3 kids) after I quit drinking. It was extremely difficult, but you know what? I am glad I was able to go through something that difficult sober. It proved to me that I can be the woman I want to be. I know you don't want to feel all the things you are feeling, but as bad as they feel, those feelings can't kill you...the dope can. Besides you and I both know that numbing doesn't make the feelings go away. They are still there. The good news is that feeling them, addressing them, and working through them can make them go away. You are doing the right thing by talking about this. It will get better. It really will.

"The only way out, is through..." Robert Frost