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Hello from UK binge drinker.

Old 10-28-2011, 01:02 PM
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Hello from UK binge drinker.

Hi

I've decided to post here and hopefully gain support, knowledge and the ability to share and talk about my problem with alcohol.

So, a little about me.

I'm a 30 year old bloke, from 'Great' Britain. I'm in full time employment, have my own house, and a great girlfriend.

A quick rundown of my issue is that I have a real problem with binge drinking. I have got to the point where I cannot deal with the days of depression, insecurity and anxiety that inevitably follow a binge. Which has led me here - hopefully the first step of at least some improvement to the quality of my life.

I think it's important to give you an idea of my life with booze and intoxicants up to this point.

I started smoking tobacco at around 15, at which time it was customary for me and my schoolfriends to meet up every Friday night to drink together in the outdoors. It was new, the feeling of intoxication, really quite exciting, and something we'd look forward to every week.

When I was about 16, I started smoking hashish. It started off as a weekend thing - out with mates drinking cheap booze in public and a couple of the group would have some 'resin' on them. I tried it, quite enjoyed it, and after a few weeks I was buying it for myself, to smoke by myself.

For a good few years I'd spend at least one or two nights of the week shut away in my bedroom, on my own, smoking a 'fiver' of hash. This developed into every day after a while. I then went to Uni, where 'Skunk' was the usual smoke. As I'm sure alot of you know, cannabis in this form can be very strong, and heady. I smoked an eighth of it almost every day for another year at least. I dropped out of three successive courses, in hindsight as a result of my complete lack of motivation due to my cannabis habit. I was hooked on weed. No question. But I enjoyed it. I moved back home to live with my parents.

During this time, around 8-10 years ago, I along with my friends discovered MDMA. Many incredible nights were had. I have never found MDMA to be addictive, but it certainly got to the point where I was using every other weekend or so, and still smoking alot of weed throughout these days. After a while the good effects of the Es became less and less, the comedowns got harsher and longer, and we stopped taking Es. It wasn't hard to stop, nor was it a concious 'decision' to do it. I think that's in part due to the non-addictive nature of the drug.

I was still smoking weed however. And like the Es, the effects were becoming more and more negative. Paranoid thoughts, anxiety, all the rest. Around the age of 23 I made the decision to stop my daily cannabis habit. And I successfully abstained, for a good 18 months. The next time I smoked, through curiosity more than anything, it brought back all those horrible paranoid feelings and the racing mind, and I immediately realised why I stopped smoking it in the first place.

I have smoked very small amounts since, but rarely on my own, almost always with friends, more for the novelty than anything. I can take or leave the effects of cannabis now. I'm really not bothered about the stuff. And I certainly do not have a problem with it. It's out of my head, and out of my system, which is why I can have a toke on a spliff once every few months and not let it affect my wellbeing. Should a friend with a spliff not bump into me ever again in my life, I couldn't care less.

I had a short stint under the spell of coke a few years later, in my mid twenties. As fun as it was, I stopped using it, as it was very addictive, and very expensive.

Then next came the anxiety and depression.

I sank hopelessly low at this point, and was prescribed Prozac. I stayed on it for a good 6 to 8 months, as it certainly helped with both the anxiety and the depression. The best way to describe it is that it pens in your emotion. You don't 'feel' as much. You don't care as much. Life was getting better, but not back to normal. I think I was becoming a different persona of myself. An unfortunate side effect of SSRIs like Prozac is that they can inhibit the ability to 'finish the job', in the bedroom, and the old boy didn't get as powerful as it used to, if you know what I mean! Being on an SSRI wasn't for me.

I tapered myself off the Prozac, albeit maybe a little too quickly, and felt that it did at least play a part in kick-starting me back to some sort of contentment with life.

That was about four years ago.

It's important to note that my use of alcohol, from right back in my school days, up until now, has almost always been in heavy sessions, or what we now like to call binge drinking.

So, here's where I am now.

I no longer take illicit substances and I think alcohol has become my new weed. My reward on a Friday night after a horrible week at work. My escape from the mundane life I feel I live. My treat.

I often drink alone, and usually take the opportunity for a drink should the situation arise. For example, if I have a day off during the week, on the night before I'll get some cans and a bottle of wine in, sit in my own company and happlily get smashed. At the weekend, if I go out to the pub or wherever, I find it very hard not to drink to oblivion. It's like I cross a line - once I'm slightly drunk I care less about the negative consequences of drinking, and more about the great feeling I'll get that night from downing shots and drinking Stella. The drunker I get, the more contrasted that equation becomes.

I lost my driver's licence for 15 months in 2006 for drink-driving; forgot to mention that.

As I've become older, I've found that my hangovers are becoming steadily worse. Whereas as few years ago, I'd get a bit of a headache the next day, these days I endure a physical hangover the day after (headache, nausea, etc), then for at least the day after that I get the 'mental' hangover.

Typically I wake up feeling incredibly drained. Quite anxious. And very depressed. Not as depressed as before I went on the Prozac a few years ago, maybe half that much, but still depressed enough for it to ruin a good day or two. I also feel very insecure. I feel like I've been mentally poisoned. Usually after the 2nd or 3rd day of hangover I will wake up feeling relatively normal.

And therein lies part of the problem.

By the time the next weekend comes along, I'm right back on the booze, with no thought whatsoever to how I felt just days earlier from my last binge. Which, considering how truly dreadful I felt, certainly makes me think PROBLEM.

When I put it in perspective, at least a third of my existence is currently spent under the effect of alcohol, be it 'positive' or negative. That just doesn't sit comfortably with me any more.

But I'm stuck in this cycle it seems.

In my opinion, another part of the problem is the culture of the UK. Going out at the weekend invariably means a drink will be consumed. In fact, I'd say the social life of the majority of 16-35 year olds in this country revolves around drinking. It's what we do. It's socially acceptable. It's cheap. It's easy. The challenge of breaking free from this boozy culture is something I find quite intimidating. What do I do instead of going out for a pint (or ten)? Could I feasably go to the pub and drink lemonade all night as my friends get smashed? How the hell can this work?

I need to get to the answers of those questions, that's for sure.

I cannot imagine where I will end up if I keep feeding this monster.

Until now I have never given much thought to the possible physical effects of binge drinking, although anyone can tell you that kidney failure, liver damage, and a whole host of other problems could be just around the corner.

But I never expected alcohol to have such negative mental effects. I've done some stuff in my time, as you've read, and these 'hangovers' are an easy match for the harshest, darkest of comedowns.

It cannot possibly end well for me if I carry on down this road.

Incidentally, today is one of my dark days. Wednesday night was heavy. And my mind was made up. Time to change.

So here I am. Day one. A friday night with no work the next day, but this time there's no aclohol in the house. There's no bottle of wine, or octet of Stella sat in the fridge.

Day one.

I'd love to hear any opinions and experience you lot have regarding this issue. Have you been there? Did you beat it? Are you still there?

Thanks for reading!
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Old 10-28-2011, 01:11 PM
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Hi and Welcome!

I'm really glad that you found us and that you recognize that alcohol is causing you problems in your life.

Yes, the Day 1 is really hard to get through and it's scary to imagine life without alcohol, but you can do it. Many of us have recovered and you can too.

As far as how to spend your time and what to do, that's a common problem too, so we have a list of ideas:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ething-do.html
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Old 10-28-2011, 01:13 PM
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Hi WeekendWaster

Thanks for sharing your story. You'll find a lot of support here.

I went from weed and other drugs to booze as I got older too...and I found myself travelling headlong down a very very dark road.

I'm an Australian so the drinking culture here is very like the UK.

It wasn't easy to make the changes I needed to make - I lost a few drinking buddies and my life no longer revolves around the pubs or getting drunk....but I don't regret making those changes at all.

I've gained many new friends, many new interests and most importantly a new lease on life - my life is immeasurably better now, I like who I am, and I can look at myself in the mirror.

The support I found here really helped me make those changes - I hope you'll find this place as valuable as I did

D
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Old 10-28-2011, 01:29 PM
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Welcome to SR and to your new and better sober life.
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Old 10-28-2011, 01:29 PM
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Welcome to SR WeekendWaster!

You will find the folks here super helpful, day one is indeed tough (day 5 here) but i promise you this it feels soo good to be sober today.

I highly recommend reading through the other posts here, you are not alone and you will find answers to your questions.

AoS
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Old 10-28-2011, 01:45 PM
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Thanks for the kind replies.

Seems you're a friendly bunch.

Yes, I think the first day(s) will be the hardest. But I hope that if I can prove to myself I can break out of the cycle, and see through at least a weekend without booze, things should be easier to get my head around.

Looking forward to chatting more.
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Old 10-28-2011, 01:59 PM
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Hi Weekend,

One of the things that will help for this weekend at least is to have a plan of alternative things to do. Maybe take the girlfriend out to a nice dinner, a movie, or out in the country/to the park? Maybe there's something to do around the house? Or a hobby or sport that you can partake in?

It's great that you're on here-- we are a very friendly and supportive bunch. Do you have support in the offline world as well? Have you told your girlfriend, a friend or a family member about what you're trying to accomplish? Have you considered meetings?

You sound very together... I think you can do this. Keep posting and reading here on SR -- it's a great resource and source of inspiration.
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Old 10-28-2011, 02:25 PM
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Welcome, WW. Make yourself at home here, and check the forums, especially this one. That should keep you focused on your decision for a while. On the home page, you will find a link to a chat room, open to all members. While it is busiest in the evenings in central and eastern North America, you can find people there 24 hours a day (not the same person, mind you). You can get some real time reassurance there.

Keep posting, WastedWeekend. Lots of support around these here parts.
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Old 10-28-2011, 03:35 PM
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Weekend Waster.I hope you find what you are looking for, and can find life easier. It would seem from your post that you have done a lot of thinking and have a resolve to change. I would suggest focusing on one day at a time. The future can seem so intimidating, and in my experience things that seem a big deal are much less of an issue once your are more comfortable in sobriety.

I found reading the Big Book (free online) and doing the short course on AVRT at Rational Recovery (free) also very helpful.

Good luck
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Old 10-28-2011, 03:36 PM
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Welcome Weekendwaster,

I saw a 3 part doco on binge drinking in Britain, very revealing about the alcohol industry all together.
Yes, you do have a problem, I was thinking that it seems that the anxiety and depression may be tied to the alcoholism I know that it is my case.
I will be 5 months sober tomorrow and it hasn't been easy but I feel so much better. I can't begin to tell you the positives in all aspects of my life. But I do need support, my support is this website and AA.

It is fantastic that you have seen the problem earliy on and want to do something about, now comes the hard part but along the way you will be rewarded, subltle rewards but if you hang in there you will be so thankful for the change.

All the best
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Old 10-28-2011, 03:46 PM
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WeekendWaster, there is a series of documentaries about alcohol, shot in UK. Take a look.

Rain In My Heart (1 of 10)
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Old 10-29-2011, 05:44 AM
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Wow, once again thankyou for all your replies and support.

I explained to my girlfriend yesterday how I was feeling, and what I felt needed to change, and she's been very understanding. Prior to this weekend we were planning on going to a Halloween night at the local pub tonight - so naturally a bit of a tricky situation for me bearing in mind my new priorities.

She suggested we do something else, without me even hinting that we give it a miss. She's a very selfless person, and I'm damn lucky to have her. I can see that tackling something like this by yourself would be a whole new ball game. So I appreciate that in that sense, I do have a bit of a head start.

So today, we've got stuff planned. We're going to the supermarket to get some ingredients for the meal I'll be cooking later, nipping up to my parents' house to help with their post while they are away, then going to the cinema, before we come home for the meal.

That should keep us both busy!

I think there's alot of value in keeping busy, like many of you have mentioned. Being bored is fertile ground for habitual drinking in my experience.

Well, day 2, and so far so good. Have a great weekend everyone!
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Old 10-29-2011, 06:19 AM
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i made a "menu of positive sober activities" and hung it on my fridge. it's pretty long! so anytime i feel "bored" i look at it and do something.

i'm a visual guy, so i like lists and notes and stuff
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Old 10-29-2011, 07:23 AM
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Well done WW!

Sounds like great plan - I also found that when I picked even one thing that had been put off getting done and then I did it (even something simple) it was a great feeling...I still do it now (7 months sober) - it's amazing how good that feels.

And if you like cooking, as I do, I really got back into researching recipes, going through old cookbooks I hadn't picked up in a while, went on a shopping trip and picke up some new spices and things for my pantry, a some new gadgets, pots for the kitchen - made meals and shared them...food is good for the soul in many ways sure you know this.

And it sounds like you've got a great girl there!

"Failing to prepare - is preparing to fail"
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Old 10-29-2011, 04:35 PM
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WeekendWaster - I think it's great that you see what needs to be done here. At 30 I would never have taken a cold, hard look at my drinking habits. It was out of the question for me to quit back then. All I needed to do was 'manage' it better.

That way of thinking almost cost me my life. As the years went on, my tolerance grew. In my 50's I consumed huge amounts of alcohol every day. It was destroying me.

This won't happen to you. "It cannot possibly end well for me if I carry on down this road." Very wise of you, WW.
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Old 11-23-2011, 04:01 PM
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Ok, so a bit of an update.

I have relapsed.

Possibly three or four times since my last post.

My depression seems to have come back with quite a bang recently.

I don't feel as articulate as I could be at the minute, so apologies for that. Things are far from great. My mood is taking its toll on my relationship with my girlfriend - she seemed understanding, but it's as if she doesn't know what side of me to expect from one day to the next, and I can tell she's getting tired of feeling less like a girlfriend and more of a mental nurse. And that in turn makes me feel less loved. And insecure, again. That sounds selfish, but christ I need some love.

Can't add much more. I've phoned in sick, going to have a few days off. God knows. Sometimes I wonder if I was put on the wrong ******* planet.
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Old 11-23-2011, 04:53 PM
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Originally Posted by WeekendWaster View Post
I can tell she's getting tired of feeling less like a girlfriend and more of a mental nurse. And that in turn makes me feel less loved. And insecure, again. That sounds selfish, but christ I need some love.
Who doesn't need love? But is your girlfriend's love going to make you sober? No it isn't. That's on you. Whether you get all the support and love in the world, or none. You have to do the work to recover.

And what has been your recovery plan? Have you been trying to willpower your way through this? Or have you sought support? Are you staying away from the pubs and drinking influences?

Get sober, get your moods on an even keel and chances are your relationship with your girlfriend will improve greatly.

Good luck.
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Old 11-23-2011, 04:59 PM
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Hi Weekendwaster,

Getting sober is not easy, it's hard work. I think when you are newly sober and still feeling like shite it's easier than when you start to feel good again that you are in danger of picking up.

If you are serious about getting sober and staying sober you need a program. It's as simple and as hard as that.
I attend AA meetings and the fellowship and support, well I can't begin to say how important these things are for me. To share with people who have the same problem, people who understand what you are going through because they have been where you are is invaluable to your sobriety.

Find a support group, start really working on your sobriety. It is well worth it.

Make it happen.

CaiHong
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Old 11-23-2011, 05:01 PM
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welcome back WW

I really believe nothing changes if nothing changes y'know?

You've had some good suggestions on what to do already.

It's time to take a good honest look at what you've been doing to quit and stay quit - it's obviously not been enough for you - so whats the next step?

I agree with Carl - get sober, get your moods on an even keel and I think you'll see great improvements in other areas of your life too

D
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Old 11-24-2011, 07:24 AM
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Thanks people.

If I'm honest I don't think I've been trying hard enough. It's tough staying away from the pubs - I know my girlfriend wants us to have a good social life together, but at the same time she bears the brunt of the horrible person I become when I'm drunk. It's her birthday coming up, she's got a night out planned with her friends a week on Friday. I know she wants me there, and I'd feel like a really crap boyfriend for not being there, but at the back of her mind I think she fears what sort of night it might turn into if I get drunk. And I certainly fear it.

She has no problem herself with drink, and enjoys nights out without any of the problems booze causes me. I don't like the idea of her having a seperate social life. It's like we'd be missing out on having a good time together, and getting the best from the relationship.

She understands that I need to quit, she hates what booze does to me (us), yet she wants me there, joining in the fun. I don't want her to stop going out with her friends just because I have a problem. I only see her on weekends, due to work commitments, so this makes it harder to let us both have a balanced life of friends as well as our time. But I don't want it to become 'us and them' in my head. I'd love to go out with her and her friends, as her boyfriend, and a friend of the group, and not have a line between what we do as a couple, and what she does with her friends.

I feel selfish that I'm holding us both back. I know I've got to put my needs first if I'm going to beat this demon, but the social and relationship implications make it tough. If I was single, it would probably be easier in some respects. And I know I've just contradicted what I said in an earlier post! I wouldn't mind losing drinking buddies if that had to happen to get me right, but there's no way I can lose my girlfriend.

I'm sorry if this has turned into a bit of a relationship thread rather than a recovery thread, but it's all relevant to my problem. Thankyou again for the advice and taking the time to reply. And apologies if I come across as not putting in enough effort.

Talking to you guys really helps. Thankyou.
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