Resentments in AA
 

Hi everyone. I've been having some mixed feelings lately regarding AA and I figured I'd vent here a bit if you don't mind. I've been attending AA for about two and a half months now, but I'm starting to become disillusioned with the whole thing. I feel like I don't just don't fit in in AA. I feel like no one really cares what I have to say. I try to talk to people at the beginning and end of meetings, but no one really want's to talk to me. I feel like I'm not "in the club" or something and that I have to force my way into conversations, like I'm bothering people when I try to talk to them. Whenever I do talk to people, I feel like I have to listen to what they have to say and what I have to say doesn't matter. Like everybody is the big expert on everything and I don't know anything. I feel like if I talk about myself and my own problems that I'm being selfish or something. The other day at a meeting, I said that I was having a difficult time and that I was having thoughts about drinking. The people at the meeting weren't very supportive. They made me feel like I was being selfish for saying that I felt like drinking. It was very strange. I feel like there's a certain AA etiquette that I just don't understand. I guess I don't fit in in or out of AA. Thanks for letting me vent.

FHB1,
I have to admit, I have yet to go to a meeting but I'm nervous for this reason and also because I'm not a "devout" Christian.
It seems like it's pretty hard for me to fit in now a days almost anywhere. Or at least since I left Alaska.
Maybe find a different location and see what happens?

Are you doing any service work for your meeting?

I do the set up at one meeting.

Hi FHB1,

First, congrats on getting sober! :biggrin:

Second - are you going to the same meeting each time?

At times, I too have had difficult interactions with members of AA. That is not to say all AA is bad, but over time I found extremely supportive people who I can talk with. I recommend visiting various meetings, and depending on your locale hopefully there is a variety to choose from and with a little effort you may find great long lasting supportive friends.

Also, sometimes I tell myself that AA is my medicine and I may not like the medicine but considering the alternatives jails, institutions, etc... it's where I need to be and not where I want to be.

Good luck

FHB - I can relate to how you're feeling. I know when I first got sober, and most of my life actually, I had a pretty low self-esteem. It was easy for me to think that every time someone looked at me, they were judging me. I was bit paranoid. Most of the time my thoughts and ideas are not fact.

I like munchkin's idea of checking out another meeting .... see if you feel the same. May be it's just not a great group of AA's. That is always possible. You have to find a group that you really enjoy.

Is it possible it's your disease talking? Urging you not to go to meetings? You're getting well and I know my disease liked to try to trick me into thinking I didn't need it. Just a thought.

Munchkin - as far as the "devout Christian" thing -- please remember AA is not religious, it is spiritual. Every one is welcome. No religious affiliation required. I don't have one. :) It took me a long time to understand that Religion and Spirituality are two completely different things. It was important for me to get that because I had, and honestly still have, a huge aversion to organized religion.

That's too bad... if you are making the effort to get in there early and stay late and you still feel like you aren't accepted... then something ain't right.

Maybe try another meeting.

Fitting in at AA is kind of a funny thing, really. If you are working the program and you are alcoholic... then you fit in, period, end of discussion.... Now, different meetings have different personalities, and maybe that's part of the problem... we are all just people in this world trying to get along... but now we are talking fellowship, not program issues.

Find someone who is willing to go through the steps with you... a sponsor, if you haven't done so... do the work... forget about fitting in, get recovered. That's the point, isn't it... you can have cake and coffee a lot of different places.

:)

Where are you in the steps?

I would definitely try different meetings. I go to four different meetings, and went to several before I decided on which one was my home group.

There's no devout Christianity at any meetings, NA or AA, that I go to. although I do have friend in another country who ran into a Jesus Pack, which I think is a major affront to what AA or NA is truly about. I think someone should report that group and have them reined in. They're going to kill some newcomer some day. In fact, the entire God thing turned me off years ago when I dipped my toes into AA and found the water freezing, maybe like you're feeling now?

Do you have a sponsor? Have you mentioned in the meeting that you are looking for a temporary sponsor? I think there can easily develop a sense of snobbery in close-knit groups, though thankfully I haven't run into that. I do think that was the case a decade ago when I poked around AA, but my heart wasn't in it at all and I couldn't fathom what those people were talking about.

I reached a bottom where I read the BB, it spoke to me, I realized it wasn't a religious thing at all, even though its founders were steeped in Christianity, and decided I wanted to have what others in the rooms had -- an ability to not just live sober but find happiness in being sober.

AA requires a lot about surrender, acceptance and willingness to be open minded. Again, I think there is something to be said about reaching a bottom before I became willing to have any of the those.

Part of surrender just might be saying, "I'm having a hard time feeling like I fit in, I have a desire to not drink, and even when I share that I've thought about drinking, I'm just being honest."

I would then pipe up that you are looking for a temporary sponsor to begin working the 12 steps.

BTW, as time goes by I feel more and more a part of rather than apart from. I spent so much of my life feeling like an outcast that it's just old hat for me.

It will get better ..... especially if you get a sponsor and work the steps if you haven't yet. :)

FHB1 congrats on your working on your recovery.

Now, there are literally Thousands of AA meetings across L.A. and I personally know of many that I would never return to, lol

Maybe try some NEW meetings in different areas that you haven't yet attended. Also if you have the means, try some meetings out in The Valley. There are some really SUPER meetings out there. There are also several Alano Clubs.

I know I am 'partial' to the Valley for it is where I got sober over 30 years ago, and I still go to meetings there when I am in town.

Since there are SO MANY meetings all over L.A. County, trying some new ones, I believe will change your perspective.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it. It makes me feel better to just put things out there, so thanks for listening. I do have a sponsor and I am currently working step four. I've tried a variety of meetings and have found a bunch that I do like. Please don't get me wrong, my main goal is to stay sober, not to fit in (although fitting in would be nice). I am going to keep attending AA meetings on a regular basis regardless of how I feel, because they really do help keep me sober. I guess it is my disease speaking to me. All my life I've had feelings like I don't fit in, or that everyone else is better than me. I have a major inferiority complex. That is just me and my disease. I need to get over it. I don't know if I can, but I can try. At least I am sober. :)

Sounds like you've found some "old timer" sentiments toward new people.
I've ran into this at some meetings as well.
I just deal with it by being incredibly selfish and concentrate on MY recovery.
I've got a sponsor, work the steps, and have a phone book of fellow members I can call anytime I have a need.
Try not to worry about all the other BS, you'll be fine :)

Keep working on that 4th Step. I have zero doubt that if you keep going, you will find that sense of ease and comfort that is promised.

Hi FHB1

I am sorry that you are feeling this way, It would appear that the good folks above have some advices for you. Am not in AA myself, so I cant really advise as to how the programme works, or where you can find good meetings.

All I wanted to say is that I empathise, I hate to say this, but I feel like that quite a lot. You have very acuratly described how I feel, and sadly, how some people in SR have made me feel.

I suspect that there are two types of people in recovery, those who remember their struggle, or are possibly still living it, and are therefore willing to extend a supporting hand, and those that haughtily sneer at the struggling. they seem to have forgotton how hard it is. How much it hurts.

Im not much good, but I am willing to chat any time you like.

Keep strong
XXX

Ah yes. I DID TOO. What I found by going to ALL those Southern California AA meetings, lol was that :

I do walk to a different drummer.

and

It is A-OK not to fit!!!!!!

Today, and for a long time, what other people think of me, is NONE OF MY BUSINESS, as long as what HP and I think of me is good.

Keep working you are GROWING even when you think you are not. As you continue to grow and change to your own specifications, you 'inferiority complex', 'lack of self worth', and 'lack of self esteem' will leave.

Love and hugs,

I agree with Laurie I got sober in the Valley too and when I was a newcomer I couldn't get people to leave me alone!! (I never had a problem with the "God thing" in AA but I was one of those who thought it was quite cultish.) Now that said, there are definitely a couple of meetings in the Valley that are cliquesh and not like that. But it seems like many take quite seriously that "the newcomer is the most important person at any meeting." I've also found the people at West Side and Santa Monica/Culver City area meetings, despite what many say about "egotism" there, to be pretty friendly. Haven't been to many meetings in other parts of LA, but remember that our city has more AA meetings then any other area in the country so I'm sure you will find your niche!

HappyBear, congratulations to you on your success in finding your solution. On the other hand, your list of alternatives to AA is a little sparse because the only ones you have suggested to FHB are pretty nasty. There are many other alternatives to AA that are very successful for some, especially those not-an AAer types.

You can find some discussion of these alternatives to AA on our Secular Connections Forum. You may find your solution there.

FHB1,
it took me a long time before i found some AA meetings that i liked. In the beginning it is very tough because everyone in the meeting seems to know each other and lets face it, just like everything else twelve step meetings can be clickish. I would suggest finding at least one meeting a week that you like and go to regularly and then trying out different meetings around that one until you find one that you are comfortable in. Believe me when i say that different meetings have different dynamics and finding a meeting that you really like can make all the difference in the world.