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Resentments in AA

Old 10-27-2011, 11:58 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I had the same issue myself but then i got a sponsor and started taking it seriously and my perception of things faded. I was insecure i had my doubts if i wanted to be ther I mean quitting the one thing i loved so much and knew for so long does take a toll but once i finally made the commitment to do things right and take that leap of faith things changed. My sponsor told me take 2 names off of the list and call them every day and 2 different people every day. talk to them and just tell them that your sponsor told you to and you are doing what they say and trusting them. I have built several great relationships that way peope get to know you and you get to know them. I am not saying you are doing anything wrong but at least for me the more i put into it the more i get out of it. and doing what my sponsor told me has built me a really good support group. just remember we are not alone and sometime you have to reach out to prove it to yourself. Just sayin

thanks
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Old 10-27-2011, 12:01 PM
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Hey Laurie and Liberty, I'm going to take your advice and check out some meetings in the Valley. It's hard for me to get there during the week because I work late and live more towards downtown, but I'm going to be sure to check out a Valley meeting over the weekend. I'll let you know how it goes!

To everyone else, thanks again for the excellent advice. I am glad that you took the time to read and comment on my post. It makes me feel much better! I am very grateful!!
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Old 10-27-2011, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by FHB1 View Post
Hi everyone. I've been having some mixed feelings lately regarding AA and I figured I'd vent here a bit if you don't mind. I've been attending AA for about two and a half months now, but I'm starting to become disillusioned with the whole thing. I feel like I don't just don't fit in in AA. I feel like no one really cares what I have to say. I try to talk to people at the beginning and end of meetings, but no one really want's to talk to me. I feel like I'm not "in the club" or something and that I have to force my way into conversations, like I'm bothering people when I try to talk to them. Whenever I do talk to people, I feel like I have to listen to what they have to say and what I have to say doesn't matter. Like everybody is the big expert on everything and I don't know anything. I feel like if I talk about myself and my own problems that I'm being selfish or something. The other day at a meeting, I said that I was having a difficult time and that I was having thoughts about drinking. The people at the meeting weren't very supportive. They made me feel like I was being selfish for saying that I felt like drinking. It was very strange. I feel like there's a certain AA etiquette that I just don't understand. I guess I don't fit in in or out of AA. Thanks for letting me vent.
Like laurie said above feeling apart from is normal for an alcoholic that is sober, it is one of the things the AA program addresses.

On the other hand it may not be you so I'll add a bit about that.

In bigger city meetings you will see a lot of people come and go. after a while it gets to be emotionally draining to watch this so what happens is people will stop paying too much attention to newcomers. It starts to wear on us as we know what that newcomer went back to. It shouldn't be that way but we are human and feel the need to protect ourselves.

Next is the possibility that the hall you are going to is "cliquey". If that is the case be thankful that you aren't included in the clique. I have seen these often, only the cool drunks need apply and they always end in disaster.

Hope this helps.
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Old 10-27-2011, 12:16 PM
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when is step 5? step 4 is not more than 3 columns & can be done the first time in 1 to 4 hours. get to 5, a lengthy discussion of you, and move to 6, 7, 8, 9.... you're stuck in self centeredness, move on to being useful to others...it's why you feel the way you do IN aa......
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Old 10-27-2011, 12:38 PM
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Have you started working the steps with a sponsor?
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Old 10-27-2011, 12:44 PM
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fhb1 stated working on step 4. this is the reason.....for being so self centered in aa.......
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Old 10-27-2011, 01:38 PM
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Originally Posted by sugarbear1 View Post
when is step 5? step 4 is not more than 3 columns & can be done the first time in 1 to 4 hours. get to 5, a lengthy discussion of you, and move to 6, 7, 8, 9.... you're stuck in self centeredness, move on to being useful to others...it's why you feel the way you do IN aa......
Ouch! Sugarbear, I do have resentments towards your comment, but I'm not going to hold onto them or post them here. Instead, I'm going to continue going to AA and move onto step five. Step four took me two hours and I am meeting with my sponsor tonight to read the list/columns to him. I apologize if I offended you.
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Old 10-27-2011, 04:47 PM
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I was trying to figure out why you are getting those resentments at aa. i've been there when I got stuck in self-centeredness, this is why I posted this. As we say, if you have resentments with my post, talk to your sponsor. I wasn't offended at all. I attempted to help, but in print, take it as you want.

steps 1-7 are self-centered, it wasn't until mid step 5 did.I start to become other-centered.
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Old 10-27-2011, 09:33 PM
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Originally Posted by sugarbear1 View Post
I was trying to figure out why you are getting those resentments at aa. i've been there when I got stuck in self-centeredness, this is why I posted this. As we say, if you have resentments with my post, talk to your sponsor. I wasn't offended at all. I attempted to help, but in print, take it as you want.

steps 1-7 are self-centered, it wasn't until mid step 5 did.I start to become other-centered.
I appreciate you trying to help sugarbear and I am also grateful for the helpful advice that you have given me in the past. I must have interpreted your words the wrong way. I felt like you were pointing the finger at me and accusing me of being a self-centered person. I would argue the contrary. I am a teacher and I spend the majority of my time helping others and being other-centered. My life is helping others. I see what you are saying about the first few steps being self-centered. In my original post, I was just trying to say that I felt like I didn't fit in and I wished that I did. I wanted to get it off of my chest, because that's the way I was feeling. I didn't intend to diss AA as a whole. AA has helped me a lot and I am very grateful.
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Old 10-27-2011, 10:43 PM
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Hang in there FHB1.

I don't really have any advice for you other than what's already been posted, but I'm sure that things will get better. I'm on step 4 too, btw, and I'm taking my time to complete it. It's not a race, you should feel comfortable working at your own pace, IMO.
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Old 10-27-2011, 11:27 PM
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Thanks for the advice, Josh! Step four didn't take me too long, but I know I will be continually working on it and adding to it all the time.

I'm feeling better now. I went to a restaurant with a bunch of co-workers after work today and everyone was drinking. At first, I was thinking how nice a drink would be, but that feeling passed quickly and I realized towards the end of the dinner that I was having a great time and that I had totally forgotten about wanting a drink. It was a good feeling! Some of them asked me why I wasn't drinking and I said because I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle. They all commented that they needed to do the same thing
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Old 10-27-2011, 11:39 PM
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If you want someone to listen to then why not go to a counselor? There you will get 50 minutes of one on one about your feelings.
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Old 10-28-2011, 09:03 AM
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what was learned in your 5th step?

The first 100 worked the steps quickly. No need to sit on anything. The 4th is a moral inventory, not a list of cruddy stuff I did.

Your vocation has nothing to do with your moral inventory. I am a special education teacher.

Shyness is self-centered behavior in the extreme. That was me.

It's about one's motives.

I've yet to meet an alcoholic who wasn't self-centered in the extreme, it's all about me, me, me! keep coming back!
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Old 10-28-2011, 04:22 PM
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Sugarbear,

Your comments on shyness I thought interesting, I jokingly tell shy people I hate shy people (in the hope it will bring them out of their shyness). I have never looked at shyness as self centredness but I was leaning towards that.
I can be very shy in new groups. I was closely observing myself at a new AA meeting the other night and had some of the feelings FHB1 you expressed about the group but I knew in my heart it was me, that is not to discount what you are experiencing as true.

Good thread, I love your honesty. The more sober I get, the more self centred I realize I am. I used to think I was a kind, giving, generous person and would struggle to be that but I wasn't at all.
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Old 10-28-2011, 04:31 PM
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I'm glad I seek outside help so I can express my feelings without always being blamed for them. I'm a shy person, always will be, and have never considered it one of my character defects. Neither have any of my sponsors. The fact is is that there are many sick people in AA just as there are everywhere, and there are plenty of cliquey and unfriendly people in the rooms. Hope you enjoy the Valley meetings FH
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Old 10-28-2011, 09:21 PM
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I would try another meeting too. I found that for me as a woman, I loved women's meetings.

munchkin, I am a devout Christian, but interesting enough, most of the people in the meetings do not share my faith. I wouldn't feel intimidated because of the Christian aspect whatsoever.

I personally do not share my faith in my shares, because I find it can isolate myself from the people in the meetings. If someone asks me about my relationship w/ Christ outside of a meeting, I will share then. Really....they are not religious as you might think.

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Old 10-29-2011, 09:39 AM
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Try anoother meeting, and keep trying until you find one where you are comfortable. Each group really is unique, a collage of the members experiences and biases. I struggled with AA initially and utlimately found a home group almost an hour from my house. I have since changed my home group to one closer to where I live and work, but the important thing is to find a place and group where you are comfortable and feel connected. It does take time, but do the work like your life depends on it: because it does.

Good luck!
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Old 10-29-2011, 09:51 AM
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Yea, there is a egocentric component of shyness, but it's not how we generally think about self centeredness... kind of like the idea that shame and pride have similar origins... in fact... a lot like that.



This message is one that can come too early, I think, and can be misunderstood.
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Old 10-29-2011, 10:00 AM
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You're in Los Angeles I see. That's a big place and they must have a wide variety of meetings. Try out a bunch of other meetings and stick with one which makes you feel comfortable and where you feel that you fit in. If AA doesn't work then try some other program or plan. Good luck.

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