Pigtails

Here are some reasons I have given or plan to give friends about why I'm not drinking. All of them are true but I guess I'm not ready to say "I have a drinking problem," which is the most true of all, and I've found that my friends and acquaintances, even family members, have been pretty pushy about getting me to drink. So I'm using these reasons:

- I am training for a race and alcohol slows down my pace;

- I have made it a goal to get more physically healthy -- to get in good fit shape and lose weight -- and alcohol gets in the way of that.

I have found that for both of these reasons, an inevitable response is always, "Yeah, but why not just have one or two?", or, "Why not drink tonight on this [birthday/ holiday/ wedding/ special occasion/ other reason to drink]? So other answers I have are:

- I have a sleep disorder and am abstaining from alcohol for an extended period of time in the hopes that it decreases or obliterates the frequency of my disorder;

- I made it a goal to not eat anything processed/any sugar or bad food or drinks until I lose 25 pounds (this one kind of skirts the issue).

The problem with these is that eventually people will ask if I can drink again yet (if I DO lose my 25 pounds, which seems unlikely, but, here's hoping!). So I've refined it to:

- I have decided to adopt a healthier lifestyle of only eating and drinking good things for my body.

Here, however, someone points out studies saying a glass or two of wine a night is good for your health. Which is where I say "I don't like wine" (which is true, but I've been known to drink it if it's what everyone else is drinking/ all that is available) or just be honest and say "Alcohol hurts my body more than it helps it. Once I have one, I'm liable to have another, which leads to headaches, hangovers, etc."

Sometimes if it's a close friend I say "I've experienced issues with depression and alcohol has made me more depressed."

And, I'm finding that the most honest, all-inclusive answer is "Alcohol does me more harm than good, so, I stay away from it." Or, "I decided to take a break from alcohol while training for this race, and I've felt so much better mentally, physically, emotionally, and performance-wise without it that I just don't want to touch it."

bellakeller

Just remember, "No." is a complete sentence. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

Dee74

Not being funny, but I really find 'no thanks I don't drink/anymore' works.

I used to feel I owed people an explanation - I came much happier and much less tied in knots once I realised I really don't

D

Pigtails

I don't know why this is so hard for me to get. I always care too much about what people think of me (which is silly, considering that I used to get drunk and be obnoxious/embarrassing, irresponsible, immature and inconsiderate. Yet I care what they think about me when I DON'T drink??)

I am working at asserting myself and on being "selfish," as in, doing what I need to do to get happy and healthy and stay sober. I have lost a lot of friends that were my big drinking buddies. But I am not over the hurdle of wanting to answer someone who asks "WHY don't you want a beer?"

I guess I could just say, "I just don't feel like it."

..."But it's Halloween."

"I know, I just don't feel like it."

..."What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with YOU???"

Maybe I should try that approach. ? Ha ha.

(Thank you for the very true reminder. I need to keep telling myself that all I have to say is no.)

Pigtails

I almost laughed out loud when I imagined people's reactions to me saying "no thanks, I don't drink." I know they would think I was joking and crack up. They'd be like, "Yeah right" or "That's a good one." If they realized I was serious they'd probably be like, "What are you talking about? You drink all the time!" (I haven't had anything to drink in two weeks, but, they probably aren't paying attention to my sober days like I am. ) Then they'd probably want to know why. You're right, I don't have to give them a reason. I guess I will just leave them puzzled!

I think a lot of it has to do with shame. I am trying to cover up the fact that I used to drink SO much but not having to answer why I don't drink now. If that makes any sense?

doggonecarl

I'm not sure why you have to explain to all your friends why you aren't drinking, but good luck keeping track of all those reasons. If you feel compelled to explain yourself, stick to the one that's the most true:

"Alcohol does me more harm than good, so, I stay away from it."

alaskasunshine

Wow, who are these people and why do they want you to drink? LOL. geez. I think the only people who have issues with other people not drinking are people who have issues with drinking.
I have only ever had ONE person/family member try and get me to drink wine, told me its "good" to have a glass now and then. HE was a full blown alcoholic and died years before his time. Glad I didn't listen to his advice!
Normal drinkers dont care, really.
I think telling people you feel better now that you dont drink should be enough.

Pigtails

That is the most true. I guess it's the one that most admits I have a drinking problem, which is what I was trying to avoid, but, it's not like everyone doesn't already know it. :-/

Jasmine2011

How often did you drink?

Pigtails

Well, that's my problem... I mostly just hung around with other people who drank a lot. They even joke about it, like, "We're alcoholics, let's go get our Bloody Marys." :-( I have cut out the hardcore ones (by necessity or because they have no interest in hanging out with me now that I don't drink and am trying to grow up) but I have friends who like to go out and have a good time, which to them includes getting drunk. They don't understand why I don't want to do that anymore.

I've noticed, with embarrassment, that even my friends who don't drink much count on me to be their drinking buddy if they do want to drink. It's like they think, or even say, "I need a drink, and I know Pigtails will be down to drink with me!"

Or, they just don't understand. I have one very close friend who is not an alcoholic/problem drinker and I have been spending most of my "friendship" time with her lately for that reason. But even she doesn't understand why I won't join her in a beer for dinner. I finally broke down and told her I have an issue with my drinking... which I had only admitted to my sister and boyfriend prior to that (and SR and AA), and she was adament that I did NOT have a problem drinking. She said I was just going through a phase, that I shouldn't go out all the time but that having one or two isn't bad, and that she's seen me just have one or two many times before (yeah, around HER). I didn't feel comfortable getting into all the details with her but I did give her examples of things I did while drunk that I regret, reasons I didn't want to drink, and she still kept protesting that I don't have a problem, and that I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

At the time (during my first run at sobriety a few months ago) I believed her, because I DO have the tendency to be too hard on myself. But after repeating many of the same mistakes I realize that I am the best person to know if I have a problem -- I don't show her the alcoholic side of me nearly as much as I show my friends who like to drink as much as I do, and I don't show ANYONE that side of me that only I know is there -- so I'm not drinking despite her "diagnosis." However, she keeps thinking this is another phase and that I'll have a drink with her again soon, and she always asks me to get a drink with her which is very frustrating. :-( I suppose I need to say "I am not drinking, now or ever, please stop offering me drinks," but, I don't want to offend her or make her feel bad -- I know she means well, but she just doesn't understand. So instead I list all these other reasons for not drinking and think, who could argue with those?? A normal drinker, that's who. Someone who can have a beer or two at dinner and get up and run 7 miles, who actually gets enjoyment or stress relief from a glass of wine. I do get that it is hard for them to understand what my issue is. So I just come up with any reason they will understand for not drinking at that time.

Pigtails

By the end I drank most days, pretty much almost every single day. But it isn't an issue of how often I drank... it is the fact that whenever there was any kind of social event or anything involving alcohol, I would always indulge, or, more like over-indulge. So people are very surprised now when I DON'T drink. I really can't blame them... I was the party girl who always wanted to have a good time with alcohol and now I don't drink?? It's like the class clown who starts being quiet or grumpy all the time... or the always-shy kid who suddenly starts raising their hand and blurting out answers and opinions... it's a pretty noticeable turn-around and people are bound to ask "Why?", I think.

Jasmine2011

Sounds a little like me... I used to say "I'm only an alcoholic when I drink" I could go months with nothing but when I got together with friends, I would over do it... every single time.

Do you crave it now that you stopped?

Pigtails

Most recently I am on my fourteenth day (two weeks, yay :-)) of not drinking (or otherwise altering my mind... I didn't ONLY drink, but that was my main problem). So far this time around I have actually not had many cravings to drink in the present time. In the past 3 to 6 months I have tried to stop drinking several times but always found a way to look at it as a temporary measure, always started having cravings and giving into them, and this is the longest I have made it. I believe that is due to several things:

- A change in my mindset/attitude in terms of WHAT I'm doing. In the past I've said "I'm not going to drink TODAY," which somehow led me to always wonder when I COULD drink, and then into thinking, "Okay, I can drink today, why not?" Now I say "I'm not going to drink, period," and so it feels more final and absolute, kind of like, I'm going to end this relationship for good (not just take a break), or, I'm no longer going to live in this city, etc.

- A change in my mindset/attitude in terms of WHY I'm doing it. I used to think "oh poor me, I can't drink, I want to go out and get a buzz on and feel good," whereas now I try very hard to think "I don't want to drink because of all the positive affects of not drinking."

- A change in my habits and friends. Basically I was primarly hanging out with people who drank, and would go out with them pretty much every night. Now I am not friends with most of them and I am trying to do more productive things and stay in instead of always going out.

- A realization that I HAVE to stop; I've been given too many chances and I've had too many negative effects in my life due to drinking, and if I don't stop, I will run out of luck completely. The thing that made me stop for good is my boyfriend getting a DUI. It easily could have been me as I have escaped fate many times and I was with him this time and if I had been driving/ if we had been in my car, I would have been the one to get one. Of course I feel horrible no matter which one of us got it and I want it to be an impetus to change for the better, and to have a positive come out of a negative. Hopefully I will never get a DUI because I don't plan to drink ever again!! Whereas in the past it was always a very big possibility I ignored because I wanted to drink. (DUIs are a big deal in my city. And I DID often make other arrangements so as not to drive drunk, but that doesn't mean there weren't times when I drove drunk or let someone else drive me who was also drunk, which I feel just as bad about... I should be able to take care of myself and not be the reason that anything bad happens to me or someone else.)

- This is kind of the same as all of the above, but, the biggest thing for me has probably been acceptance/admittance. I was in denial or didn't want to address the issues before, but, now I realized they are major, and I have no choice but to face them. This has been a big key for me and seems to eliminate a lot of my cravings-- like, WHY would I want something I KNOW is dangerous for me? It has to be addiction and nothing else.

All of that being said, I do have "cravings" in terms of the future... visions of me one day being able to drink "normally"... imagining myself being able to celebrate or relax with alcohol. Like you, if there is a party or something, I want to be able to get drunk with no consequences (but this doesn't seem to always be the case for me, so, I have to remind myself that that's impossible). I often start to think, how can I not drink on New Year's? At my sister's wedding? At the beach? But I just try to not focus on that and to tell myself that no matter what it's best for me to not drink, and to focus on the enjoyable times I have while sober.

I should also add that I have been able to make it this long by mostly avoiding social events or going out with friends. I do worry that I will cave when I start going out again. I want to get my strength and my length of sobriety up so that I can go out and not drink. My first test will be Halloween and I'm determined to make it.

I don't mean to "lecture" since it's only been 2 weeks for me, but, this is just my personal experience/journey so far. I'm interested to hear about yours as well!

Dee74

Well I dunno about anyone else but my friends knew damn well why I was saying 'no thanks I don't drink anymore'...by the end I was the neighbourhood drunk so everyone knew, but my friends knew WAY before that, despite my best efforts at trying to hide it.

D

soberred

I have a couple of people I used to party with that I flat out told them that alcohol has ruined my life and I quit. They all said good for me. They know they have a problem with alcohol and quite frankly, they don't care. I am doing this for me. If someone asks, I say I'm not drinking anymore. If they asked why I said I lost control when I drank and I don't want to go through that anymore. My entire family knows. Most are heavy drinkers. They are proud of me.

chainsaw4618

Pigtails: I say "use whatever works". As long as you are secure in your own mind as to why you are not drinking, then use any mechanism necessary to meet your goal. If this is a crowd that would actively hassle you, then tell them something they won't take issue with. Even if they don't intend to give you grief, it sounds like they are highly capabale of that. So, I think your resorting to a little "truthiness" is completely justified. Good luck!

humblestudent

I think that people who are so invested in whether or not you drink, are really just threatened by your new behavior. It forces them to examine themselves, and their drinking, and you stopping just changes the whole dynamic. It hits close to home for them, and I think that's why it becomes such an issue to convince YOU that you don't have a problem. Because if you do, then where does that leave them.

And...while all of that may be the case, it still comes down to what you want to do for yourself. You are the only one living in your skin. You call the shots, and it's OK to do so!

I so agree with Dee. If you think that they don't know you have a problem with alcohol, whether you "admit" it to them or not (which is also your own business!), they do. They totally know. Everyone else knew it about me. I was the last to know...

Pigtails

Then I don't know why my good friend, who is a normal drinker, insists that I don't have a drinking problem. I suppose, in addition to the fact that she doesn't see me drink nearly as much as some do, because she doesn't drink that way herself and is more of a homebody, it could be that I'm good at putting up a front. People think I'm happy, bubbly, that I "work hard and play hard." They think my drinking is justified because I have a stressful job/successful career and that I manage to hold it all together, be ambitious and successful and work hard yet also know how to let loose and have fun.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I have everyone, even my good friend, fooled. :-( I was so good at putting up a front and playing a part/image that I really think people are like, what? I never let anyone know I was having issues. That I was really unhappy and miserable and drinking was my only escape but it just ended up making things worse. Maybe I should try just being honest and telling people that I was unhappy when I was drinking and now I am must happier now that I'm not drinking. It might surprise some people but at least they will know the truth and if they really care about me then they will be more inclined to support me. I know my good friend would care, if only I opened up and let her in. I only do that with my sister and my boyfriend (and even they don't think I need to stop drinking. No one thinks that except my mom, who had an alcoholic dad and never drinks at all, and thinks that anyone who drinks has a drinking problem. She would applaud me if she knew [she doesn't yet] but everyone else is just like, huh?)

Thank you guys for helping me ask myself these thought-provoking questions. I'm learning a lot about myself.

Tippingpoint

This is a hard one for me too.

For the last 4 months I'd actually been training for a marathon so it was easy/convenient to use that excuse. But, I ran my marathon on the 16th, so now I don't have that excuse anymore.

So now, I think my approach is going to be...I quit drinking for the 4 months that I trained for the marathon and I just felt so good that I'm going to keep going with it. I'm sleeping better, feeling better, I've lost 15 pounds etc. - and I don't miss it.

I do think it is important to have an element of truth to it as well.

For anyone close to me I've basically said that I thought I was drinking too much and wanted to take a break. I think that hint of truth is important for you and for your friends - if they're true friends they'll pick up on the meaning and give you all the space you need.

Dee74

My parents have seen me falling over drunk too many times to mention - but the edict has come down from on high: I.am. not. an. alcoholic.

We don't have that problem on my side of the family lol.

My friends had picked me up and carried me to the the ER lots of times.

A lot of them didn't see the need for me to quit either - they didn't want to kill the buzz with the A word, they didn't want to break up the gang, and they didn't want to look at their own drinking habits.

Like it or not, alcoholism still carries a stigma for a lot of people - if it didn't, being honest about our drinking or why we're not drinking now wouldn't be a problem.

D