Pigtails

I'm glad I'm not alone in this being hard for me. I like your reasons. Congrats on finishing the marathon. :-) (Perhaps your new reason could be thate you're training for another one, or another distance race? But I don't think there needs to be that specific reason... I like your plan to talk about the benefits you've experienced in not drinking, and say you're sticking to not drinking because of all of that.)

Pigtails

It sucks that's it's okay to HAVE the problem but not acknowledge/fix the problem by not drinking. I hate that stigma. But it seems like it's slowly changing and that people are coming out and saying, I have this disease and I am in recovery. Maybe it's just something people aren't aware of/used to.

debsam

I have to tell you I'm doing really well Pigtails and this is the one thing that keeps going over and over in my mind. What am i going to say in this situation:

I'm hosting a function at my bosses house on November 23rd and the only one that knows I don't drink anymore is my boss...best boss! But, the others seem to think I am a connousieur of food & wine and have know idea about my battle. I just know, that more than one of them is going to say "Deb, where's your drink"?...

I don't want to pretend. I could say, "oh I've got one" and hold up a soda with lime. My other option (and I believe this will avoid future situations, because there will be more hosting nights) is to simply say "Alcohol actually makes me sick, so I don't drink anymore"...it's the truth!! I want to just keep it simple...might sound silly, but I've been practicing saying it. But it's still giving me some anxiety. Funny thing though...I have NO desire to drink - and I'm thankful that, that is not my worry. Just had to share that...thanks guys for listening

Anna

I totally agree with Dee.

I say, 'No, thanks', and won't give any reason. It's no one's business, but mine.

I have to say, I would be very uncomfortable spending time with people who were drinking and encouraging me to drink, too.

Pigtails

I am uncomfortable; I have cut out everyone who was a very bad influence and who wouldn't support me. Now I am down to my boyfriend and my good friend, mainly. I haven't been going out so I'm not sure how well some other people will take it or what they will say to me-- I guess I'll find out this weekend. My boyfriend doesn't encourage me to drink and I'm not sure what to do about his brother because he lives with him and is always with him. I guess I could get really bold and tell him to knock it off, that it makes me uncomfortable. Or I could just hang out at my place and not go over to my boyfriend's. I like his brother and don't want to alienate him but right now I have to look towards my sobriety first. I do think that if I talk to him about it more forcefully, he will get the hint. I think he's a good guy with some issues (and that I'm a good gal with some issues!), and that he cares about me and doesn't want to offend me purposefully... it's just how he comes off sometimes without thinking.

With my good friend, I guess I will have to be more forceful with her too and explain that it makes me uncomfortable when it comes to her drinking comments. That I am really abstaining although it's hard for me and so to please not tempt me. I think she would understand. I guess it all comes down to me asserting myself. If they still push me then they are are not good friends, but, I think they are, so I hope this can be worked through because I don't want to not be around them. The rest of my "friends"... if they are true friends they don't pressure me to drink, and, if they do, then, I don't have much of a problem cutting them off like the "friends" I already have cut off, for revolving their lives around drinking and expecting me to do the same if I'm to be their friend.

Cardio

That sounds familiar. My BFF is very supportive, but she's a normal drinker, and I think she thinks I'm over-reacting. Still, she's supportive. Ultimately she doesn't care if I drink or not. And, ironically, she has another very good friend who absolutely is an alcoholic so she's seen it up-close and personal. I think that I'm an "alcoholic lite" so to speak. I'm on the path, but somehow I'm stopping myself before it gets really, really bad.

So, this was what my BFF said to me when I told her I was going to stop drinking. We were emailing about something else and I told her I was going to stop drinking after our Saturday night bender. The exchange is actually long, but I'm just including a snippet of one of her emails.

Caardio's BFF:
"Post binge regret is the worst kind of regret there is. I hear you on not liking some of the patterns you are seeing, but I think you may be mixing in a bunch of self-flagellation too which might be skewing things a bit. I think it is worth separating out the ick factor of the incidents that are making you feel particularly bad from the larger habits that are bothering you. And even AA doesn't say to remember you can never ever drink again -- they say to take it one day at a time.

If you decide not to drink again, I'll support you 100%. My gut tells me it is not impossible, but it is extreme -- then again, people do what they gotta do and it is nobody else's place to judge. I would just caution that if you set up yourself mentally for a huge, daunting task and then fail to follow through, you might end up feeling even worse.

For what its worth, you didn't appear to me to be a mess. You were just the way you are when you tie one on -- chatty. As was I, totally oversharing with XXX. Yeesh!

You've been so disciplined with exercise. I wonder if you couldn't use some of the lessons you have learned from making those lifestyle and pattern changes to make some changes in this part of your routine.

XO
Sent from my iPhone"

She's a normal drinker. I can see how I might have said that to someone many years ago.

Pigtails

Yeah, I've thought about "pretending" to drink but that could bite me if someone catches me... it seems like a lot of extra effort, and I am trying to be honest as part of my goals to a better me (although not SO honest to say "Hi I'm Pigtails and I'm an alcoholic" as soon as I walk into a social function!)

One of my former friends/drinking buddies could spot when someone was "faking" drinking! She said plain soda water, tonic, grenadine, cranberry juice, with "twists" are common ways people pretend to be drinking when they're not. She could tell by the color of the liquid in the glasses who's weren't watered down with alcohol. And she would give them a hard time for it. I asked her how she knew and she said "I'm an alcoholic and I can tell when people are trying not to act like they're alcoholics and it doesn't fly around me," and laughed.

When I think about it, it's really sad. She knows she's an alcoholic yet makes light of it and keeps drinking. When she is really down/depressed, she admits it, but never addresses what she needs to do to change it (as far as I know). I was like that for a few months and I don't want to be like that anymore. Now that I have this knowledge, I can't just "forget" about it or laugh about it... I have to face it. I hope she gets better but she is one of the people I had to cut off, actually quite awhile ago when I was trying not to drink "as much" and I realized that I always drank tons with her and that she was only about trying to go out and get drunk as much as possible. :-(

I think that saying alcohol makes you sick is a good idea. Good luck at your event, I'm sure you will be a great host... even better sober!

Sparkydog

I just tell friends Im done with alcohol. I choose not to drink anymore. It sounds simple because it is. Your focusing too much on other peoples opinions, or what you think they might think, your over thinking it, just enjoy yourself. All that matters is you.

Cardio

You could always tell people you're pregnant. That will shut them up pretty quick

Pigtails

I can relate to you in that in some ways it feels like I "caught myself" early. But, early is relative. Was a skid row alcoholic? No, and I don't know if I ever could have become one because I think some people are capable of being "high functioning" alcoholics their whole lives, and I probably would have been one of them. THAT is what scares me sober the most. Because for me it was like a house of cards, a smoke and mirrors show... I was living an image but I was so miserable. It affected me in gradual, eroding ways. It made me not care about doing anything about my career, because I could escape into it, but at the same time, my career was getting worse and worse due to not facing issues. It made me stay stuck out of fear in unhappy relationships, and hurt the people who cared about me, because I could escape into alcohol instead of facing issues. It made seek out "friends" whose main interest was drinking, and using me to help their drinking problem, as I used them, and we remained stuck in misery together, and I isolated myself from any true friends who would have called me out on my drinking, and prevented myself from finding friends for the right reasons. I drank to self-medicate, but it made me further depressed and anxious. I drank to laugh, to seem "normal" (outgoing, confident, happy) when inside I was a mess, and just isolating myself more and more from anyone who didn't like to drink or use like I did. I drank to belong, to boost my self-esteem, to change who I was because I didn't like myself. But it actually made me hate myself more and just put up more of a front, and made me forget/not be able to know who I really am. I forget who it was who said "If you wear a mask long enough, it eventually becomes your face," or something like that. It slowly took over my whole life.

So, did I stop early enough? No. I wasted years of my life drinking. But I don't want to waste anymore. I don't think that could be explained to someone who is a normal drinker. Alcohol doesn't do that to them. On the other hand, if any of my friends had said "I'm not going to drink," MY response would have been similar to your friend's response to you... which you said would have been your response a few years ago (yet, you're an alcoholic/problem drinker), so, what does that say? I'm not sure. I think a truly "normal" drinker wouldn't care. Or they would be supportive (as would a person who has come to see they had a problem drinking and took efforts to stop it). But I'm beginning to think that when our friends hear us say "I'm not drinking b/c it's not good for me," or something to that effect, and they STILL take it upon themselves to tell us to drink in moderation, maybe it means they're not such "normal" drinkers themselves? I'm really not sure. Maybe they don't want us to have the stigma associated with alcoholics... maybe they are uncomfortable associating with people who are alcoholics! Maybe they just like how things are and don't want anything to change. Maybe, like my friend, when they DO drink, for stress relief or celebrations, etc. (I'm honestly not quite sure how that works for "normal" drinkers... I don't understand the benefits of drinking alcohol that have to do with getting drunk, and all of those drawbacks associated with that), they know we are the person they can count on to drink with them, and they are sad that they won't have us to do that? Maybe EVERYONE worries about their drinking and uses us as their yardstick of "I'm not that bad", and if we're out of the picture, they'll think they are bad???

I don't know... my mind is all over the place tonight and I'm just positing some theories. But yes, your friend's email sums up what my friend was telling me. I don't understand why and I guess that's not important. I guess what's important is to know why I don't drink anymore, and not care what anyone else says. My life wasn't happy when I drank, and I'm hoping it will be much happier sober. It is already better, but I think I need a lot of time for my brain to adjust and to live in reality. If anyone understood that, I really don't think they would pressure me to drink or even give me reasons to moderate etc. Perhaps the issue is that normal drinkers don't understand how bad life is for alcoholics. And maybe some of us like you and I have the tendency to be extreme and hard on ourselves (part of our image issues, self-esteem?, double lives? I don't know), and they see THAT part of us without seeing the cause of it.

I am going to stop blabbing now, but thank you for sharing something I can relate to. I don't think it's too early to stop drinking if it has caused you negativity. I think it's the right time to start living a better life. So good for you.

Pigtails

Thanks Sparkydog. I do have a way of over-complicating things and worrying too much about everything, including what people think. I need to knock that off! I'm just trying to figure out how. I guess just doing it. Just saying, no thanks, I'm done drinking. I don't know why three words are so hard for me to say.

Pigtails

Ha ha. The sad thing is that I've thought, boy I wish I were pregnant so I had an excuse not to drink! A reason to keep me from drinking, no matter what. How bad is that?!?!?!

Pigtails

Another funny/sad thought - I was thinking, "Why can't I just relax and be myself?" Then I thought, "because MYSELF wants to DRINK!!!!" I hate that. I feel like I can't trust myself or go with my desires because I'm the one that got myself into this mess. :-/ If it were up to me I would just drink, read, write, and relax all day. How unrealistic is that?!?! So I try to tell myself that I truly want, deep down, to not drink and to grow up and live life like a responsible mature adult. Sometimes this feels true and sometimes it doesn't. But when I remind myself of all the bad things about drinking, I truly don't want to drink, so, that's a start... I can be true to that part of myself and let IT speak for me for once, instead of the side of me that wants to do jello shots until I'm floating in oblivion.

Cardio

I'm 44 now. So, I've had several years of thinking "I'm drinking too much." I could have stopped two years ago but I thought that if I was able to stop for 4 months then I was fine. Doh.

Over the past few years a few people I know have stopped drinking. And this is while I've known that I have a problem. I didn't blink an eye at them while other people would badger them to drink. In fact, I felt very protective of them in those social situations (even while I, myself, still got drunk). I understood what they were up against and what they wanted to change. Interesting, right?

But my friend who is a normal drinker doesn't understand how you can't tell yourself that you're only going to have one drink and then not stick to that decision. Well, she does, sort of because the experiences of her other friend who is an alcoholic. Her friend explained to her that every single time she used to drink she'd decide that she was going to only have one drink. And then as soon as she had that one drink, she'd immediately change her mind. The only way she could not get plastered was to NOT drink at all.

BTW, I read an article that said alot of runners abuse alcohol. I'll have to find that article. I was stunned. And it also took away my last justification ("how can I be an alcoholic if I'm running a half marathon?")

Eddiebuckle

To be more precise, you care too much about what you think other people think of you.

One of the more humbling things that I have discovered in my sobriety is that people aren't nearly as interested in me and my choices as I used to think. Typically it's because they are too busy being concerned about what the world is thinking about them. And to be honest, how much time do you spend thinking about the more salacious details of other peoples lives? Sure, they might be somewhat interesting, but that lasts about two minutes. Which is about as much time you should commit to what others think of a healthy choice you have made for yourself.

However, there were a few people who were close to me (and one who was flat out nosey) - and I told them the truth: I quit drinking because I was getting the impression the tail was starting to wag the dog. There are more details than that, of course, but they don't add anything the others need to know.

Cardio

Here is that article Pigtails

Alcohol and Exercise - NYTimes.com

Pigtails

This is a good explanation of how it must work.

That's crazy about runners but I also wonder if people with extreme personalities who, say, push themselves hard, are also the ones who are all-or-nothing when it comes to drinking. This is pure speculation. I am no Olympian or anything close. I just know that people think it's crazy that I want to run so much... I guess it's not "normal." And my dad, who is addicted to running to the point of it being a bit absurd, also has drinking issues.

Pigtails

Yeah, this is true. I need to just worry about myself and not care what others think about me, or if they do at all. Thanks!