Last night the weirdest thing happened...
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Last night the weirdest thing happened...
Last night my boyfriend's brother and roommate were telling me I shouldn't stop drinking entirely, that there's nothing wrong with "drinking in moderation" and that I should just control it. I said, it doesn't work for me like that. I don't want just one or two beers; once I drink one, I usually want to get drunk. Then they said "Oh we meant controlling the frequency of your drinking- not the amount. So you can go out and get smashed on special occassions."
Then when my boyfriend and I were in his room (we've actually been trying to go to bed early/on time for once, which, is 11 pm for us) I was telling him, I don't have fun getting smashed on special occasions anymore. I never know if I will do something stupid-- cry, say mean things to hurt him, be in a bad or obnoxious mood, drive drunk, etc. While the idea of getting rip-roaring drunk once in a great while appeals to me a lot more than just having a drink of two on a regular basis (I DO wish I could have just a drink or two when at social/work events, with "normal" drinkers, without getting frustrated/wishing I could have more/having more after everyone else goes home, etc.... but this doesn't work for me either), I think the risk of doing that outweighs the temporary high. Plus, it sucks to wake up hungover and embarrassed the next morning, to waste the whole weekend due to one night of over-indulging.
He said that he understood and he supports me no matter what I want to do. While talking to his brother I had had some thoughts of being able to drink normally in the future and was struggling with how people will see me once they know I no longer drink. It's crazy how it's acceptable to be an active alcoholic but not to admit we are alcoholics and go into recovery-- then, I feel like I'm branded as some troubled person (which I was when I was drinking and am trying to break free from!) Talking it over with my boyfriend helped me remember why I do not want to drink no matter what, even if I struggle with some issues about not drinking.
As we were talking, his brother came and knocked on the door and said that a stranger was at the front door! It was this really, really drunk girl who had abrasions all over her face and was so out of it that she didn't know what day it was, and she kept biting her tongue and then hanging it out of her mouth. :-( It turns out that my boyfriend's roommate had gone on a couple dates with her a few months ago, she lives about a block and a half away from my boyfriend; his roommate said that when he knew her a couple months ago she looked/acted much better and was telling him she was in AA, that she was not drinking but that she was doing a lot of coke. Last night, though, we had to call the paramedics, and the cops came. It turns out she had been arrested on Sunday night for criminal trespass and had just been discharged a couple hours ago from a nearby hospital for acute alcohol intoxication. My guess is that she somehow drank more on her way home and then couldn't find her house, or she went home and drank more and for some reason couldn't stay there or wanted help, and she somehow remembered that my boyfriend's roommate lived nearby.
They took her to the hospital; we were glad we could help her and glad we were sober to be able to deal with the police and EMTs etc. My boyfriend has DUI charges pending against him and he was told not to drink-- his lawyer told him he could drink at home with the door locked, but, luckily he didn't do this, or he might be in further legal trouble! He said it was a symbol of why we shouldn't drink. It's so weird that the girl turned up on our doorstep just when we were talking about our issues with drinking.
Then when my boyfriend and I were in his room (we've actually been trying to go to bed early/on time for once, which, is 11 pm for us) I was telling him, I don't have fun getting smashed on special occasions anymore. I never know if I will do something stupid-- cry, say mean things to hurt him, be in a bad or obnoxious mood, drive drunk, etc. While the idea of getting rip-roaring drunk once in a great while appeals to me a lot more than just having a drink of two on a regular basis (I DO wish I could have just a drink or two when at social/work events, with "normal" drinkers, without getting frustrated/wishing I could have more/having more after everyone else goes home, etc.... but this doesn't work for me either), I think the risk of doing that outweighs the temporary high. Plus, it sucks to wake up hungover and embarrassed the next morning, to waste the whole weekend due to one night of over-indulging.
He said that he understood and he supports me no matter what I want to do. While talking to his brother I had had some thoughts of being able to drink normally in the future and was struggling with how people will see me once they know I no longer drink. It's crazy how it's acceptable to be an active alcoholic but not to admit we are alcoholics and go into recovery-- then, I feel like I'm branded as some troubled person (which I was when I was drinking and am trying to break free from!) Talking it over with my boyfriend helped me remember why I do not want to drink no matter what, even if I struggle with some issues about not drinking.
As we were talking, his brother came and knocked on the door and said that a stranger was at the front door! It was this really, really drunk girl who had abrasions all over her face and was so out of it that she didn't know what day it was, and she kept biting her tongue and then hanging it out of her mouth. :-( It turns out that my boyfriend's roommate had gone on a couple dates with her a few months ago, she lives about a block and a half away from my boyfriend; his roommate said that when he knew her a couple months ago she looked/acted much better and was telling him she was in AA, that she was not drinking but that she was doing a lot of coke. Last night, though, we had to call the paramedics, and the cops came. It turns out she had been arrested on Sunday night for criminal trespass and had just been discharged a couple hours ago from a nearby hospital for acute alcohol intoxication. My guess is that she somehow drank more on her way home and then couldn't find her house, or she went home and drank more and for some reason couldn't stay there or wanted help, and she somehow remembered that my boyfriend's roommate lived nearby.
They took her to the hospital; we were glad we could help her and glad we were sober to be able to deal with the police and EMTs etc. My boyfriend has DUI charges pending against him and he was told not to drink-- his lawyer told him he could drink at home with the door locked, but, luckily he didn't do this, or he might be in further legal trouble! He said it was a symbol of why we shouldn't drink. It's so weird that the girl turned up on our doorstep just when we were talking about our issues with drinking.
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Yeah, I guess I always think, "I'm not THAT bad... not as bad at THAT person..." but, who knows? Obviously my problems had progressed to the point where bad things kept happening but I kept drinking, to the point that I was depressed and unhappy and my life felt meaningless. So I don't want to take the chance that things would get even worse. I felt really bad for that girl who was on the doorstep and I hope she gets help. :-(
I also told my boyfriend that as soon as I became aware of a possible drinking problem (which was the result of therapy I entered into for different reasons/to address different issues), I couldn't just ignore it. Every time I drank after wanting to stop, I kind of floated outside my head and looked down at the obnoxious party girl and thought, STOP IT!! So continuing to drink after that just made me feel more depressed and took away any of the "fun" in drinking.
I told him that I enjoy our sober times together much more than I enjoyed our drunk times. My favorite thing about him is his brain/intelligence, and that just goes out the window when we drink... as I'm sure mine does too. I don't want to be two lonely people escaping from reality by drinking with each other. I want us to be connected and have meaningful, fulfilling times with each other.
Earlier he had told me he plans to drink when we go out of state for Thanksgiving, and that he wants to drink while skiing. He said that in the past he'd had 2 or 3 drinks all day and is fine with that. I said I don't care whether he drinks or not, that's fine, but I'm not going to drink. At first I wanted him to not drink with me, for selfish reasons (support) and for caring reasons (I don't want any more negative things to happen to him as a result of drinking). But I'm realizing through reading on here that it's about me, that I can't control anyone else or let anyone else control me. His brother said he didn't want to ski with me if I didn't drink and I'm like, fine, don't ski with me. It's not that I don't want to drink, it's that I don't want the negative consequences of drinking, and for me that means not drinking at all. And I would rather find sober people to ski with who are on the same level as me. Maybe I'll ski some with my boyfriend and some by myself or with a not-drunk friend while he skis with his brother. I'm fine with that.
Sorry for rambling off topic. It just helps me to process all of this. I feel like no one understands but you guys. :-) Thanks for listening.
I also told my boyfriend that as soon as I became aware of a possible drinking problem (which was the result of therapy I entered into for different reasons/to address different issues), I couldn't just ignore it. Every time I drank after wanting to stop, I kind of floated outside my head and looked down at the obnoxious party girl and thought, STOP IT!! So continuing to drink after that just made me feel more depressed and took away any of the "fun" in drinking.
I told him that I enjoy our sober times together much more than I enjoyed our drunk times. My favorite thing about him is his brain/intelligence, and that just goes out the window when we drink... as I'm sure mine does too. I don't want to be two lonely people escaping from reality by drinking with each other. I want us to be connected and have meaningful, fulfilling times with each other.
Earlier he had told me he plans to drink when we go out of state for Thanksgiving, and that he wants to drink while skiing. He said that in the past he'd had 2 or 3 drinks all day and is fine with that. I said I don't care whether he drinks or not, that's fine, but I'm not going to drink. At first I wanted him to not drink with me, for selfish reasons (support) and for caring reasons (I don't want any more negative things to happen to him as a result of drinking). But I'm realizing through reading on here that it's about me, that I can't control anyone else or let anyone else control me. His brother said he didn't want to ski with me if I didn't drink and I'm like, fine, don't ski with me. It's not that I don't want to drink, it's that I don't want the negative consequences of drinking, and for me that means not drinking at all. And I would rather find sober people to ski with who are on the same level as me. Maybe I'll ski some with my boyfriend and some by myself or with a not-drunk friend while he skis with his brother. I'm fine with that.
Sorry for rambling off topic. It just helps me to process all of this. I feel like no one understands but you guys. :-) Thanks for listening.
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Pigtails,
When I quit for 4 months a year and a half ago, there was this one person who actually said to me, "I like you better when you're drinking. You're so quiet now." Like my purpose on this earth was to entertain him. It struck a chord with me in how your bf's brother said he didn't want to even ski with you if you weren't drinking. I think that's rather bizarre. I mean, HE'LL be drinking, so what does he care? And...? You're not even his gf! Where does he get off telling you how he thinks you should behave? I mean, he's not even in a relationship with you! Same as this guy who was a friend of mine at the time. I would say that almost feels like emotional blackmail..."I'll only like you, ski with you, insert verb here...if you drink, don't drink, learn to fly, insert verb here."
HS
When I quit for 4 months a year and a half ago, there was this one person who actually said to me, "I like you better when you're drinking. You're so quiet now." Like my purpose on this earth was to entertain him. It struck a chord with me in how your bf's brother said he didn't want to even ski with you if you weren't drinking. I think that's rather bizarre. I mean, HE'LL be drinking, so what does he care? And...? You're not even his gf! Where does he get off telling you how he thinks you should behave? I mean, he's not even in a relationship with you! Same as this guy who was a friend of mine at the time. I would say that almost feels like emotional blackmail..."I'll only like you, ski with you, insert verb here...if you drink, don't drink, learn to fly, insert verb here."
HS
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Originally Posted by humblestudent 
When I quit for 4 months a year and a half ago, there was this one person who actually said to me, "I like you better when you're drinking. You're so quiet now." Like my purpose on this earth was to entertain him.
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Originally Posted by humblestudent
Pigtails,
When I quit for 4 months a year and a half ago, there was this one person who actually said to me, "I like you better when you're drinking. You're so quiet now." Like my purpose on this earth was to entertain him. It struck a chord with me in how your bf's brother said he didn't want to even ski with you if you weren't drinking. I think that's rather bizarre. I mean, HE'LL be drinking, so what does he care? And...? You're not even his gf! Where does he get off telling you how he thinks you should behave? I mean, he's not even in a relationship with you! Same as this guy who was a friend of mine at the time. I would say that almost feels like emotional blackmail..."I'll only like you, ski with you, insert verb here...if you drink, don't drink, learn to fly, insert verb here."
HS
When I quit for 4 months a year and a half ago, there was this one person who actually said to me, "I like you better when you're drinking. You're so quiet now." Like my purpose on this earth was to entertain him. It struck a chord with me in how your bf's brother said he didn't want to even ski with you if you weren't drinking. I think that's rather bizarre. I mean, HE'LL be drinking, so what does he care? And...? You're not even his gf! Where does he get off telling you how he thinks you should behave? I mean, he's not even in a relationship with you! Same as this guy who was a friend of mine at the time. I would say that almost feels like emotional blackmail..."I'll only like you, ski with you, insert verb here...if you drink, don't drink, learn to fly, insert verb here."
HS
Now if people make comments to the effect that they like me better sober, I kind of understand what they mean, but, like you said, it's in terms of the entertaining that *I* bring to them. I am not anybody's puppet or entertainment! A lot of the time the people who say that are people who want to drink and want their drinking buddy/drinking entertainment. I understand because I've been there myself, but, I am done with all of that. They will have to find new drinking buddies/entertainment.
My feelings were a bit hurt when my boyfriend's brother said that but I decided not to let it bother me. I have no idea why he doesn't want to ski with me if I'm not drinking... and, I don't think he even means it, I think it's just something he said because he wanted a skiing/drinking buddy. But if he does mean it, that's fine too. I'd rather ski alone sober than have to drink to ski with him. Just because my sobriety is important to me.
I think changes are just hard for people to accept and I do understand the vision of everyone going on a ski trip and drinking. In the past it would have bothered me if one of my friends declared they weren't drinking because that would mess up my alcoholic vision of alcoholic "fun." Now I have a new version of sober fun. I would like to take a ski trip with people who want to stay sober and enjoy being present in the moment. But I do understand that's not everyone's vision. I guess if it gets too annoying I will just say "I don't pressure you not to drink and I would appreciate you not pressuring me to drink." To each her own.
Edited to add - Yeah I'm not sure why he cares so much when I'm his brother's girlfriend, except that he probably assumes that if I don't drink, his brother won't drink. And he has this vision of all of us drinking together on the slopes or something probably. Which won't even work out because they like to do crazy dangerous tricks and jumps and flips etc., and I just like to ski fast downhill. So, I guess he'll get over it, ha ha.
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Originally Posted by humblestudent
There was this one person who actually said to me, "I like you better when you're drinking."
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