Sara23

This past weekened I celebrated my 27th birthday, and although I drank, I didnt get drunk! I had a few beers and that was it. I told myself that I didnt want to spend my birthday blacked out, throwing up, or feeling hungover and I am so happy to say that I didnt. And in all honesty it was my favorite birthday for just that reason! I had so much fun just socializing and engaging in activities that didnt require me to take shots or chug beers. It was a great change of pace and I got to spend my first day at 27 feeling great! Now that the celebration weekend is over I am back to no drinking and focusing on my health. These last two weeks have really taught me a lot. I have learned that I do have self control, I just never used it because I never truly saw the need to. Now I do. I can do things and have fun and control my self or simply not drink at all.

paulo

Congratulations and belated happy birthday.

I guess that's where lots of us would love to be, just be careful though.

If you get comfortable with a couple you may one day feel like one almighty blow out will be ok and you may regret that. I try not to make myself any promises/predictions, just try to keep learning.

It would be a shame to see you go from how happy you are now to despair if you fall of the wagon spectacularly.

ttbp

Sounds great. Be careful, I could have written that post a few years ago. I really thought I'd cracked the 'controlled' drinking, truth was it came back and controlled me x

least

Towards the end of my drinking career I rarely got falling down drunk, it was more like having an alcohol IV and always being a little 'out of it'. I didn't count that as success tho, and until I'd stopped completely I didn't start to feel better.

If you truly want to stop drinking you have to put the bottle down for good, whether it's your birthday or not.

Sara23

Thanks guys

Sara23

I dont know maybe I am on the wrong site...The thing is I am not an alcoholic. I dont crave alcohol, I dont get sick when Im not drinking, I dont have withdrawls, I usually only drink on the weekends. My problem is that half the time I drink, I drink too much. I dont drink slowly and the next thing I know I dont remember anything. I never had the desire to slow down and take control until recent events that made me realize that that is exactly what I needed to do. For me, being able to celebrate my birthday and not get drunk is a victory and maybe me trying to find advice and comfort in a group of people who dont drink at all is the wrong place for me to be...

least

Well, this is SOBER recovery, not moderation management. And if you say you're not an alcoholic, yet drink too much and can't drink slowly and 'normally' perhaps it's a problem of denial.

If 'half' the time you drink, you drink too much and black out it seems like that's a problem right there. And I hope you don't get into bad trouble when blacked out - like drunk driving accidents or health problems, like injuries. Besides, blacking out is one big sign of 'problem' drinking.

Fenris

Sara,

Congratulations on not blacking out this time. I do have to wonder how many non-alcoholics ever needed congratulating for that.

Personally, I think you're in the right place...you just don't realize it yet. Good luck with that controlled drinking. We'll save you a seat.

--Fenris.

doggonecarl

Good luck finding a forum for people who only drink too much and black out every other time they drink (said with tongue firmly in cheek).

Seriously now, if you don't have a problem you should be able to quit if that's what you want to do. If you drink to much and you want to control it, you should be able to...if you don't have a problem with drinking.

If you can't do one or the other, this is the place for you!

Good luck.

Itchy

Sara,
Congrats on not getting drunk. We all started out with alcohol just like you. In fact I never was a drunk, and did not have blackouts or personality changes that were aggressive or hurtful. I like Least's analogy to an alcohol drip. Towards the end of my drinking career I was drinking 30 drinks or so every day, but spaced out to just keep a buzz. No slurring or staggering or arguing. At your age I was just about the same as you but not as often. I wouldn't drink often and then only maybe once a year or two actually get a happy drunk on, which still embarrassed me since I was always the leader on and off duty setting the example.

5 years ago or ten, I would blow off anybody that said I might evolve into a full blown alcoholic that had to quit but could not alone, and needed medical intervention to detox and rehab to recover. My tolerance had become so high that I could not drink enough to get any buzz without tipping over the edge.

Naaah! I was in control, until I wasn't.

Mark Twain once wrote instructions on how to boil a frog. He said you can't just drop them in boiling water because they might scaled but will jump out and escape. He said you had to put them in cold water, turn the heat up slowly, and they will be dead before they realize it. Nobody takes one drink and falls over with a problem the first time. It progresses slowly, for some over years or even decades.

Funny how none of us see it coming, and then can only see it when it is going.

I wish you peace.

Pigtails

Hi Sara. I just read over your prior posts since you joined, and I can relate to them. I aprpeciate your honesty in posting here. I wanted to share my experience with this site (so far) and I hope that it might help you. I feel we are very similar (although I am 30). I came here because I was starting to realize I had a problem with drinking. But I wasn't sure I was an "alcoholic" and in fact didn't want to be one and didn't want to call myself that... I wanted to be able to moderate and control my drinking.

I tried that, and failed miserably. Sometimes I passed, like you have been lately, but that seemed to just give my brain permission to rebel and drink like crazy now and again... and those are the times that I regret. I can totally relate to your story of upsetting your boyfriend at your friend's wedding by being ridiculously wasted. That has happened to me more times than I would like to admit. I thought... if I could only make sure I never got to that point, I would be okay...

The thing is, I could not control it. If you are truly an "alcoholic" (or whatever you want to call it), it will happen again. It is just the way it works. I have had so many nights of saying and doing things I regret, hurting people I care about, waking up feeling guilty and ashamed and anxious... which far outweigh the times I can just have a drink or two. Honestly, just having a drink or two isn't fun for me... I start to want more, and I either do (and then do something I regret, perpetuating the cycle), or I sit there feeling frustrated and irritated that I can't have more, like everyone else, oh poor me. For me, having one or two doesn't work long-term. It's either zero, or, like ten or more. :-/

So now I've come to accept that I cannot drink normally. I don't even like to call myself an "alcoholic", I don't want to worry about labels... but I have realized that alcohol affects my life negatively, and I only want positive things in my life. But I wasn't always that way. I tried hard to moderate. And unlike you, I didn't come to SR when I was drinking. (I admire you for doing that, and for your honesty). I only came here when I was trying not to drink, or when I was mad at myself for drinking too much, when I was trying to figure it all out, and when I was determined not to drink again, etc.

Finally, I'm here because I am done drinking and want to stay done, for good this time. No wavering, wondering, "but what ifs...", "maybe one day..."s (I'm not saying I never have those thoughts. But my overriding thought/action is STAY AWAY FROM THE ALCOHOL, NO MATTER WHAT. I'm on Day 12, which is the longest I've lasted so far, and I plan to keep going. But the first time I came here, I made it 10 days, then 5 days after another "break", then maybe a few days here and there but I took a long absence because I was tired of figuring out whether or not I was an alcoholic, I wanted to just enjoy life and try to drink normally but always "enjoy" myself.

For me, my wake up call happened when my boyfriend got a DWI. We were both drunk, I was upset over losing a friend and was the one who suggested drinking that night, and I feel guilty because it could have and should have been me. One of the main reasons I'd wanted to stop drinking was because I sometimes drove drunk. I tried not to, and usually didn't, but even once or twice was too much, and I can't even count the number of times I'd driven drunk in my drinking career. I don't know how I was so lucky to have not gotten a DWI (they are a big deal in my city that I've lived in ever since I started drinking really heavily). I don't know why he got one nearly two weeks ago, and not me. But for me, my drinking was over because the one thing I never wanted to happen-- me or a friend who was driving me while we were drinking, to get a DWI-- had happened. I knew if I had stopped drinking sooner it never would have happened (or at least not on my watch. We wouldn't have been out drinking, or, I would have been sober and driving). So for you, maybe it will take another drunken incident where you are mean to your boyfriend for no reason and you act embarrassing (I've so BTDT). I am not HOPING this happens to you, iI'm just saying that if you have this problem I have, SOMETHING will happen to make it finally "click." At least I hope it does, and I hope it's not something too drastic, because otherwise you will not have a happy existence-- being a lifelong alcoholic or problem drinker, etc., sounds to me like a horrible way to live. Why not make sure it never happens again, by not giving yourself a chance?

On the other hand, if you have been able to successfully moderate, then perhaps you are not an alcoholic. Only time will tell and only you will know. It's a very personal decision and one that was very hard for me to arrive at. I only got there by causing myself more pain than I should have. I wish I had stopped drinking three years ago. :-( But I am glad I have stopped now. I wish you all the best and IMO you are welcome to post here no matter what you decide. We are here for you. As you're starting to see, though, you are talking to a group of people who have come to the conclusion that we have a problem with drinking that is so bad that we need to never drink again. So our opinions and advice are going to be influenced by that lens. And we worry for you because we see ourselves in you. I sure do. If you can see yourself in us, then perhaps you are like us. If not, then you may decide this isn't the site for you. But I do understand it takes awhile to make that decision for yourself. You are in the early stages of figuring out what exactly is going on. I get that... I WAS that! So I wish you well, no matter what you decide. I do hope you decide to be happy and healthy and I hope you are able to moderate or stop drinking.

Sara23

Thank you Pigtails for your honesty and kind words of encouragement and understanding. No two people are the same and everyones journey and experiences with alcohol are different and I think people here forget that. Im trying to not get over sensitive with what some people say but it does annoy me that if I dont discover sobriety their way its the wrong way and thats not how life works. Im just going to continue to improve myself and not let other peoples negativity bring me down.

Pigtails

I understand where you're coming from with most of this, except that there is only ONE right way to discover sobriety, and that is to be sober. Being sober means not drinking at all. So if you do want sobriety (which, I understand you have not yet decided), then you have to stop drinking. People are just pointing out the obvious, IMHO. You cannot discover sobriety while drinking, it's just impossible. But I am glad you're asking yourself the tough questions, you will eventually get your answers and I hope that nothing further happens to you negatively because of drinking. All the best.

Fenris

Sara, I want to apologize for the sarcastic tone of my previous post. It helps nothing for me to be that way and it's something I'm working on.

Whether you belong on this site or not, whether you are an "alcoholic" or not -- all of that is entirely up to you. No one else can make those kind of decisions for you. Something I've learned though is that other people can often see things about me that I'm totally blind to. Many people here (including myself) have had to go through something awful in order to see it -- a wake-up call, for lack of a better term. I hope that that's not what happens with you. I hope that you can see the things that I see in your posts. And obviously, I hope I'm totally wrong and you're just a heavy drinker that got in over her head a few times...I wouldn't wish addiction on my worst enemy.

Good luck and God bless.

P.S. And Pigtails...I really appreciate what you shared. There is a lot of deep insight in your posts.

--Fenris.

bellakeller

Happy Birthday! Glad you were able to remember it!

eJoshua

Happy birthday!

Hopefully you are right and moderation is a possibility for you. I was never all that interested in moderating my drinking myself, so the only thing that made sense for me was to quit. I do take issue with you calling what you are doing sobriety, because it cheapens sobriety. I hope you aren't an alcoholic, but if things change we will still be here for you.

Dee74

Sara, I think I'm repeating myself here from a previous thread of yours but...I think most people here are speaking from a place of experience.

The few times when nothing bad happened to me drinking were the worst of all - because those times made me forget all the hundreds of really bad times....

those times when I 'drank but didn't get drunk' led me into deluding myself that I was 'ok now' and they led back to more drinking...and sooner or later the real face of my addiction would rear its ugly head again.

If you have really bad times in your history too, I think you should prepare yourself for the possibility the bad times will come back if you continue drinking.

D

Itchy

Well mine wasn't sarcastic, and I did mean congrats on not getting drunk. And I did not post my way of attaining sobriety except that it involved not drinking. I understand your anger at being told about how it gets "us" all in the end, with very few exceptions. "Us" being the binge drinkers, those who overdo it much of the time they are drinking.

But I do wholeheartedly agree with you that the way to abstention and sobriety is not the same for all. I also do not like folks who think their way is the only way, when it is only better for them personally and not necessarily for one other. Worst are those who actively denigrate the recovery method of another.

As has been said if you are NOT willing to or trying to quit drinking, you might be on the wrong website. If you are, then you came to the right place.

All of the people here agree that we can't drink and are trying very hard in some cases not to drink or are still struggling to stop drinking.

I am so glad you have gone from blacking out and drinking uncontrollably, to being a normal drinker, recovered, and in control.

So why are you here on Sober Recovery again?

You call it self discipline. Around here and in rooms we call it a relapse.

Happy Birthday and Good Luck. Seriously.

And let me be the first to congratulate you on day two (or maybe three if you did not drink Sunday) of being sober.

vInDaLoO

Sorry Sara but your post smacks of where most where at some time or the other, sorry to be harsh but you seem to be obsessed about alcohol and how much you consume etc, I would def say that you are in the pitcher plant.

Good luck though if moderation does work for you though

coffeespoons

For me, if I drank 5 times, 4 of those times I would be in control. But, inevitably, it became a game of russian roulette with that one time I'd black out and lose control of my drinking. The fact that I could not control myself, even 20% of the time, told me it was time to stop. I hope you find what you're looking for, on this site or elsewhere.