tryinreallyhard

hi, I am new here and looking for support. I am currently 7 months pregnant, have a 7 and 11 year old... I am addicted to alcohol and I am trying to get through this pregnancy. I am definately a binge drinker... i try so hard to stay sober, I work 55 hours a week, take great care of my two kids and run my household while my husband is gone.... he is actually deployed for the second time in the past 2 years.... I have stayed sober most week nights since being pregnant although, I some how talk myself into the "one drink" which turns into the bottle every saturday night. I then spend the following week self hating myself and begging god for forgiveness while I do everything but cut my wrist out of self hatred.
I discovered I was pregnant at 6 weeks weeks, about 3 weeks shy of my husbands deployment... I drank extremely heavy during that time.... drunk most nights... he left and I thought it was my time to sober up and this would give me a reason to. but it wasn't enough... I drank because he was gone, I drink because I am stressed, I drink because I have a bad day, I drink because I worked hard and deserve it, I could go on but we get it...
I have spent at least every saturday night drunk while being pregnant.... let me make it even more clear that I am a "director of nursing" and have seen the effects of fas.... yet, I still can talk myself into buying a bottle just for a drink even knowing that I can never just have a drink...
I worry myself sick thinking about what I have caused, to the point of throwing up daily.... googling everything about drinking and fas.... and preparing myself for an uphappy arrival because of my habits....
i hate myself already, don't need anyone to tell me to do so, I hate what I have done.... I hate that my husband is overseas fighting a war and I am here in a big self pity party....
My main concern is this child.... has anyone been in this situation and had baby that was without mental/developmental/cognitive/physical delays.... with a drinking habit like mine...
please understand that I am trying daily to fight this addiction, I know what it is and I know what I am against... but sometimes it just takes hold....
I am doing the best that I can, I have quit drinking, although I only have 12 weeks left.,.. I will love whatever I have created... I just know I will not ever forgive myself for the mistakes I have made....

Nirvana1

Youre in the right place. Start on sobriety right this second. You don't ever have to drink again. It really is your choice if you put in the work.

Dee74

Hi and welcome

You'll find a lot of support here...probably a lot of straight talking too.

If you're a director of nursing then you know better than I do what you're risking. The sooner you stop, the better chance your unborn child has.

If you can't stop on your own, please get help - Dr, counsellor, rehab, recovery group (AA SMART etc)....your unborn child is in your care....please do whatever it takes.

D

heathersweeds

WELCOME!!!! you will not be judged here!! And might I add you drink because your an alcoholic any and every excuse is good for us!

Lily

You have to get over your self bitterness and realize that God loves you and you don't have to escape every Saturday night. I will pray for you to stay sober. I understand you are educated and all, but education doesn't help us. It is a spiritual bankruptcy. I never truly understood this myself until I started reading the Bible. That is what worked for me, that and the AA book, which can be found online.

We really are all the same.... can you google up the AA book and start reading it? There is sooo much there.

Blessings, Lily

SSIL75

Welcome! Please do what you need to do to quit today. And I can only imagine the rationalizations. What's one more bottle. The damage is done. Women in europe drink while pregnant etc. And honestly I DO think that the FAS risks are overstated because the research simply can't be done, ethically.

BUT you know that binge drinking multiple times in pregnancy is a HUGE risk. I am far from the 'that sherry trifle is going to cause FAS in your baby' fear brigade. But your post worries me a lot.

Sending good thoughts and strength to you. Please update us when you can.

eta: I see now that you want to delete your account. I was afraid of that

Anna

You have my prayers for a positive outcome for your unborn child.

Shygirl

Hi TRH,
I've only been without for to days, but hoping and praying one day at a time.....I know your going to overcome this I promise.....look for spiritual helpm I know that's been the only way I've accomplished 3 months or 2 or 1 at a time.....your baby needs as many days sober you can give.....you can do it....we can do it.....everytime your feel like drinking, eat and eat it's important that you eat well no matter what...........I'm praying for us.

Cardio

Have you told your ob/gyn what's going on? I'm sure you haven't. I don't know if I could face it myself. But you do need someone to help you. We can tell you everything that you already know, but what you really need is medical assistance to do the right thing for yourself and your baby. See if you can get in today and get help. It will be hard. It will suck, in fact. Your doctor will judge you. Let him. But tell him that you need help. Or, find a social worker that can help you get the right assistance. But you've tried on your own and it hasn't worked. That's why you're here.

Good luck honey. I really feel for you. xo

Mersault

I hope you can stick it out, and I can't think of a better impetus to stoke the sober fire. I don't want to get all doomsday on you but I would like to point out why it's so crucial to avoid drugs/alcohol while pregnant. The issue is with fetal circulation. As an adult our circulation goes through a first pass to the liver, and it does a beautiful job of keeping our brains safe from the crap we attempt to bombard it with. Fetal circulation is different, to maximize oxygen capacity, blood from the mothers placenta goes directly to the fetal brain. Without the liver to cushion the blow it's a heavy load to put on developing neural tissue. As an undergrad I spent time working in one of my Physio Profs lab, and her research was fetal addiction. We spent most of the time working with Sheep using cocaine, but we also worked with alcohol, and nicotine. The interesting thing was each of the drugs used on it's own had a limited impact on fetal addiction, but the synergy caused when combined was not good. So please, please, please get into a program to support your quest for sobriety, and if you just can't stop drinking PLEASE don't use anything else. At the risk of sounding like a fawning pansy I really think children are the most beautiful things that will ever pass through our lives,and deserve to be treated as such. It's easy to see you want to do the right thing, and I applaude your effort. When you meet that new little face for the first time you'll be glad you did.

Mersault

YES YES YES as cardio said lay it all out to your Docs.

soberred

Wow. No judgement here. If alcohol wasn't so addictive, non of us would be in the situation we are in. As you know, there is no way to know if your baby will be ok. Every situation is different. It would be wise to speak to your ob/gyn. You probably need to be put at high risk. I know this will be difficult as you are a medical professional and your concern for your job is there as well. Imagine you caring for/counseling a nurse/dr etc. in your situation. As nurses, we are trained not to judge. We have a moral and ethical responsibility to be nonjudgmental regardless of our beliefs or opinions. You know what you need to do. Find the courage to seek help immediately. We never asked for this addiction. Everyone expects perfection from us. We are human. I'm not sure if you have a faith but if you do, pray for strength. Baby is at risk. You, your children, your home, your job, your relationships and your life is at risk. You will be in my thoughts

soberred

Please know that we are here for you. No need to delete your account. If you come back on, we will be here. We are all here for our addiction. No one here can cast the first stone. If you decide to rejoin, PM me anytime. I can't manage my own issues sometimes but my heart are shoulders are HUGE. God bless

iliveforyou

Absolutely no judgement here. I am sorry you are struggling and I hope you do not go thru deleting your account, there is so much here to be gained. I only drank thru the first 6 weeks of my pregnancy but you are not alone. Someone out there reading knows exactly where you are coming from. Alcoholism is nothing to be taken lightly so it is not our place as addicts in recovery or not, to place any judgement. **big big hugs*. I don't believe in prayer, however you are in my thoughts. I hope you come back to read these responses, you deserve to be sober. You deserve a life without self hatred, although I am not one to talk on that topic as I carry a burden of deep self hatred. Anyway, please take care of yourself. You can do this.

-Jess

Aegian

Hi Tryin,

I don't know if this will help you sort things out in your mind, but I have shared this before and thought you might relate.

I implore you... Do not mess around with this. Do whatever it takes to keep the booze out of your system while you are carrying this child. FES is not a legacy you need to leave them to deal with for the rest of their lives.

Do you live on base, or close enough to one to seek help from the military on keeping off the booze for the next few months?

ForHim

Dear one ... No one is judging you here. It's good that you shared what you are dealing with. Your story was my story a few years ago. I had a 6 year old, 4 year old, I was pregnant with my third, my husband was deployed and I was a business owner.
It is harder than anyone can imagine. I do feel your pain and I remember the lonely nights and the stress and fear and guilt. I'm sorry that you are going through it.
I can tell you what finally helped me ... ASKING FOR HELP
Right now you are a one man show, doing all the jobs, taking all the responsibility (and ultimately all the guilt when you fail to stop at one drink) There is an easier way. You have to get help. Tell your friends, your family, your work, people on the base, whomever you have to get some help.
The problem with appearing like you have it all together is that no one knows that you don't have it all together! Pride is the cruelest trick of the devil. Please don't let it stand in your way. Don't downplay the severity and difficulty of your situation. There is only so much a human being can do. Don't even get me started on raising kids! I mean, seriously .. How many questions can a child ask in one day?! Like a zillion ... It takes a lot of emotional energy to raise your kids. Then you have hormones and yada yada .. you get it. IT IS HARD.

PLEASE ASK FOR HELP

One more thing ... I'm a Christian and my faith in Christ was the only thing that kept me together. Jesus doesn't want you to be full of guilt and shame and misery. He wants to pick you up, dust you off, love on you, equip you , comfort you, hold you and let you finally get some rest. You just have to ask

Feel free to message me if you need to talk :ghug3

soberred

I do hope she reads this. Thanks for posting this for her. God bless

seethroughblue

I binge drank for the first 4 months of my first pregnancy. Although
I honestly didn't know I was prego-I had taken multiple pregnancy tests that showed up negative during that time. Anyways, my child turned out fine. But in no way should that be an excuse to keep drinking. You can make a difference for your unborn baby by staying sober today. Take it one day at a time. Admit to someone u haVe a problem-starting on SR is great!

I would like to disclose something to u that I have not told anyone about, not even this site. For almost two months I would binge drink a couple times a week and breastfeed my 5 month old. I probably fed him 10 times when I shouldn't have. This has tortured me to my soul that I have done this to my child. I made a promise to my baby, I've looked into his eyes, and told him never again will I put him through what I have. I am not sure if I will stay sober for life, but I basically can't drink for the next 6 months because of breastfeeding. I take it one day at a time, I'm trying to forgive myself and put the past behind. I am committed to this, and I won't give up.

Please join me, and help give our babies a better future.