randyhiatt

thanks for this site! Spent a few days reading, learning and wanting to cry. I have an Agf, we've been together (living seperate) for over 12 yrs. She was a recovering A (I soon learned from her) and seemed to be on a good road, job, mother.

This past year she's binge drinking for 'special occasions'. I have a past with Agf's and eventually walked. I don't like drinking myself but will have 2 drinks if the event warrents it, but can drink water all night long and truely like it.

I found you all in a google search "how to talk to a A" because I thought I needed to do that as 'right' as possible. Sadly the answer was "you can;t" as well as 'nothing I do or don't do will make her drink or not drink.' sh*t.....

So I wrote her an email (to get my full thoughts out there), I only focused on me but soooo wanted to let her know what an ass shes becoming.

I told her I would quit with her again, she only replied 'OK, let me think about this, Have a Happy Birthday". We were to take friday off for my BD, I see that wont happen now.

anyway, thanks for being here, I will read more now.

Randy

Vanilla28

hey randy! welcome! have you checked out the section for friends and family members of alcoholics yet? you will probably find a lot of ppl in the same position as you are! good luck.

Dee74

Hi Randy and welcome

I see you've also found our FFA forum - you'll get a lot of good advice there too.

I think while it's true there's nothing you can do to 'make' someone quit...there's still a lot you can do - for yourself

D

sugarbear1

Welcome! You can help you, is there's hope. Stick around!

randyhiatt

thanks....I just spent an hour typing here (I type slow and think lots in between)and when I clicked quick post it said I wasn't logged in...poof gone. bummer.

I just wonder what's going thru her mind right now. any ideas?

randyhiatt

If she chooses to sober up I was wondering how I get through the Damage I feel. the damage to myself. I don't feel good about it but I feel resentful with her and angry with myself for letting her moderate herself back to full blown binge mode.

Dominica2

Randy,

I have an idea of what she might be thinking. I am an alcoholic, and I put my husband through some pretty horrible things. The addiction eats away at you, and you think "I really really need to quit!" but then, that buzzer goes off in the brain that says..."You need to drink, or you are going to feel terrible" Its a constant mind battle. She probably is very aware of her problem, but like many addicts, she battles the pros in cons with a foggy mind. I am sorry, I know it is hard being on the other end of an alcoholic. It takes a great deal of work and patience. I hope you are able to speak more freely with her soon. Good luck.

LawMama

The friends and family board will be helpful, as others said.

As far as "letting her moderate herself back to full blown binge mode": a. you didn't let her do anything, she chose to and you probably couldn't have stopped her either way; b. alcoholics can't moderate; c. don't be angry with yourself - it has nothing to do with you.

As far as what she is thinking, I can't answer that as I don't know her at all, but I can tell you when I was a drinking alcoholic I was thinking whatever I needed to think to make my drinking okay in my own head. If I were to start drinking again, I would be probably telling myself something ridiculous like, "I can control this, I have a right to a treat every once in a while," etc. As a general matter, as an alcoholic I think mostly of myself, my needs, and what I want. I think of other people as a way I can get my needs and wants met. This has improved in sobriety, but for me, my natural state is to only care about myself.

Good luck.

randyhiatt

Thank you D. Feeling a bit alone right now. Talking to her would be great I look forward to that. She was asking for some time to think about it And it's hard sitting here twiddling my thumbs Just wondering. I just want to pick up the phone and collar. Speech to text recognition Needs to be Re find A bit. L o l Anyway I'm sure I should just sit tight Or am I wrong

randyhiatt

Law Mama Thanks for reply. will look for the family and friends thread I still get lost here trying to use my phone. good words of advice I still feel bad feel my hands are tied it's like sitting by allowing a blind person to walk in traffic. where is the line between controlling and helping ?

LifeRecovery

Randyhiatt

Welcome. I am mainly on the Friends side of things but saw your title and decided to read.

Have you heard of Al-Anon? It is for loved ones of people with addictions. I became sicker than my loved one who is a problem drinker. It is for us to learn how to take care of us. The program helped me learn how to take care of myself and learn about that line between controlling and helping. It is one of the best things I ever did for myself. It has not only helped me regarding alcohol use, but in all areas of my life. Often you can see if there are meetings in your area on-line.

Many of us also have found a lot of help from a book by Melody Beattie called Co-dependent No More.

I am glad you are here. I have learned so much from SR and my own recovery.

marie1960

Welcome Randy,
There are no magic words that you can say to her that will change anything. As far as sitting tight, that sounds as if you are willing to give someone your power.

She gave you her answer already, when she said " I'll have to think about it." It translate's to NO. NO I WILL NOT QUIT DRINKING at this time.

Sounds like it's time, for some Randy quality time. Start concentrating on YOU. Do things you enjoy.

Step back and let her own her disease. We are poweless over the disease. Until she commits to recovery you may as well be having a conversation with a rock.

I understand what an ass they become, all the more reason to save yourself.

Sending you warm thoughts.........

eJoshua

That sucks, Randy. I've no advice for you, but wanted to welcome you to the boards at least. I hope you find the answers you need.

randyhiatt

I finely called her today after 4 days of no contact (a few emails on my part). I was stunned I hadn't heard from her before now, not like her.

She said she couldn't decide between me or the bottle. Didn't want to have to decide right now. I told her I wanted to make sure she received my emails at least. I said I was drawing boundary for me, she said she understood and respected my need to make this decision.

Sheesh....after 13 yrs she can have this type of trouble deciding between a bottle and me makes me feel rather minimized to say the very least (and without cussing).

One of those birthdays to remember.

randyhiatt

how do I not feel resentment. Today I feel even if she choose recovery it wouldn't be enough and that scares me about who I am.

marie1960

Suki says it best.......

You can wring the alcohol out of an asshat, but you still have an asshat.

I hope you are starting to realize that you deserve better, and you will not accept less.

Wishing you a very happy birthday, may the upcoming year be good to you.

Dano1975

I would completely cut off all ties to her until she get serious about recovery. When my drinking got really bad my Wife packed up and moved to her friend's house, it's one of the things that got me to really look at my problem seriously.

randyhiatt

'I would completely cut off all ties to her until she get serious about recovery'

Thanks, advice taken and that was my intent.

....but when she's serious about recovery I fear my resentment won't allow us any future anyway.

Dano1975

Randy, I would go to some Al Alon meetings if you do want a future with her, they'll definetly help with the resentment.