Things I loved and hated about heroin....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: OHIO
Posts: 43
Things I loved and hated about heroin....
I'm sitting here in bed trying to FORCE myself out of bed. It used to be I had to get up because being sick is a motivating force, and I knew that if I didn't get moving I was going to be REALLY sick in a few hours. (I usually avoided this dreaded part of the morning by always having a morning dose so scoring again wasn't so immediately important. Although heroin dealers are "synced" to their clients, if for some reason the don't have it, you've got to try your backups. So, I hated all of the above. I hated spending all that money! Everyday I don't use, I save $130-$300. You have any idea how much money I've wasted? Talk about making yourself sick!
Anyway, the things that I miss about heroin are how confident I felt. They say the Germans at Bayer who invented heroin named it such because it made them feel "heroic" (I think the German word is "Heroisch") All I know is, I would go in the basement fix, I felt like I could do ANYTHING, usually something that I normally would hate to do, would be no big deal You know, maybe another heroin user can chime in: Did I not get into it deep enough to get the nod? I mean, at night I might use a little too much and then I'd fluctuate between being up and nodding a little, but I never got to the point where I couldn't function like the stereotype. I know Cincinnati heroin sucks compared to New York, Chicago, Baltimore, but you'd think I'd get a more common subjective experience.
Sugar bear had a good idea of writing a good bye letter. I think that's good...
I had what I consider a victory yesterday: One of my ex-dealers got out of prison, and since he didn't have my number, he actually put a note in my mailbox with his number. Of course, I thought it was one of my friends who was locked up, because this dealer just happened to be locked up with my friend, and the note had my friends initial "T". So, I was surprised when I called and it wasn't my friend but this particular dealer. Right of the bat he said he's already back in the game, has really good "boy" and do I need any. I didn't even think about it, said no thanks. He immediately said "What about "hard" (street term for crack---im sure you all know that, but wasn't sure if alcoholics do) I said no. He said "Man, this **** is the bomb. Let me just show it to you." I said "Hell No...don't want anything to do with that stuff.) Then he had the balls to ask me for a job! I said, "I'll call you if anything comes up" and deleted his number. I was pleased with myself. I didn't even think about it, just automatically didn't want anything to do with it.
So, I miss some things about getting high---it's less about getting annihilated like I would on cocaine and more about missing how strong heroin made me feel. BUT, I think that's because I KNOW I'm powerless against cocaine: the "fun" had stopped a long time ago, but I still can't control my use of it...even now...and that scares me if I were ever to stumble into some I would be REALLY worried and would probably freak out. With heroin I think I was still in the beginning stages, so I think I romanticize and only remember the good parts. Honestly, besides having a love hate relationship with having to fix (hate having bad looking crooks of my arm, love the ritual of prepping a shot) I don't think I'd done it long enough to be really addicted. Not saying I wasn't headed that way, but the "Pull" is radically different. Someone once told me: "The chains of addiction are too light to be felt, until they're too strong to be broken" Were my heroin "chains" lightly clinking?
Thanks to all of you for taking the time to hear me out. Makes me feel like I'm not alone. Wife still going, don't know what to do---but what I do know, is I'm glad to have all of you to vent to. Thanks.
Anyway, the things that I miss about heroin are how confident I felt. They say the Germans at Bayer who invented heroin named it such because it made them feel "heroic" (I think the German word is "Heroisch") All I know is, I would go in the basement fix, I felt like I could do ANYTHING, usually something that I normally would hate to do, would be no big deal You know, maybe another heroin user can chime in: Did I not get into it deep enough to get the nod? I mean, at night I might use a little too much and then I'd fluctuate between being up and nodding a little, but I never got to the point where I couldn't function like the stereotype. I know Cincinnati heroin sucks compared to New York, Chicago, Baltimore, but you'd think I'd get a more common subjective experience.
Sugar bear had a good idea of writing a good bye letter. I think that's good...
I had what I consider a victory yesterday: One of my ex-dealers got out of prison, and since he didn't have my number, he actually put a note in my mailbox with his number. Of course, I thought it was one of my friends who was locked up, because this dealer just happened to be locked up with my friend, and the note had my friends initial "T". So, I was surprised when I called and it wasn't my friend but this particular dealer. Right of the bat he said he's already back in the game, has really good "boy" and do I need any. I didn't even think about it, said no thanks. He immediately said "What about "hard" (street term for crack---im sure you all know that, but wasn't sure if alcoholics do) I said no. He said "Man, this **** is the bomb. Let me just show it to you." I said "Hell No...don't want anything to do with that stuff.) Then he had the balls to ask me for a job! I said, "I'll call you if anything comes up" and deleted his number. I was pleased with myself. I didn't even think about it, just automatically didn't want anything to do with it.
So, I miss some things about getting high---it's less about getting annihilated like I would on cocaine and more about missing how strong heroin made me feel. BUT, I think that's because I KNOW I'm powerless against cocaine: the "fun" had stopped a long time ago, but I still can't control my use of it...even now...and that scares me if I were ever to stumble into some I would be REALLY worried and would probably freak out. With heroin I think I was still in the beginning stages, so I think I romanticize and only remember the good parts. Honestly, besides having a love hate relationship with having to fix (hate having bad looking crooks of my arm, love the ritual of prepping a shot) I don't think I'd done it long enough to be really addicted. Not saying I wasn't headed that way, but the "Pull" is radically different. Someone once told me: "The chains of addiction are too light to be felt, until they're too strong to be broken" Were my heroin "chains" lightly clinking?
Thanks to all of you for taking the time to hear me out. Makes me feel like I'm not alone. Wife still going, don't know what to do---but what I do know, is I'm glad to have all of you to vent to. Thanks.
TheMostSordidSpotOnEarth
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: ParadiseOnEarth
Posts: 811
Hey JD,
I was addicted to smoking heroin for many years, among alcohol and a mess of other drugs. Monday I celebrated 2 years and 7 months clean/sober.
I remember those first days and weeks very vividly. When I stopped using, I was physically, mentally and spiritually bankrupt.
I kept waiting around in my apartment for that day to arrive when everything would be fixed within me. Instead, I wound up watching the dust settle all around. I began to realize that this thing that had taken over my life -- addiction/alcoholism -- was far, far greater than anything had imagined.
I had lost the ability to know how to live with or without dope, alcohol and other drugs. I knew I had to find a way to do something about it. However, I also felt I had just about maxed out my inner resources. I was having trouble with my memory and suffered cognitive impairments. I was weak, numb and pale. I surmised that if I had been able to get myself that sick in the first place, then perhaps my mind couldn't always be trusted. My very best thinking had taken me to rock bottom.
I was tired. I was scared. I was lost. I was ashamed. I had been defeated.
I was given a gift: desperation.
It made me willing to go to any lengths for my recovery.
I do not believe I would be clean or perhaps even alive today if I had not made the efforts to find the right kind of help.
And once I found the people I knew could help me, despite all the things that were happening within me that still wanted to fight it, I decided I would do whatever it took, repeating the very same actions worked for them to get well -- note that I didn't say clean/sober, I said well.
To my surprise, it works -- it really does.
This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. An adventure to take.
Miracles ahead, if you're willing to do the work. In fact, if my experience is worth anything, you can even become one.
Much love to you,
SIU
I was addicted to smoking heroin for many years, among alcohol and a mess of other drugs. Monday I celebrated 2 years and 7 months clean/sober.
I remember those first days and weeks very vividly. When I stopped using, I was physically, mentally and spiritually bankrupt.
I kept waiting around in my apartment for that day to arrive when everything would be fixed within me. Instead, I wound up watching the dust settle all around. I began to realize that this thing that had taken over my life -- addiction/alcoholism -- was far, far greater than anything had imagined.
I had lost the ability to know how to live with or without dope, alcohol and other drugs. I knew I had to find a way to do something about it. However, I also felt I had just about maxed out my inner resources. I was having trouble with my memory and suffered cognitive impairments. I was weak, numb and pale. I surmised that if I had been able to get myself that sick in the first place, then perhaps my mind couldn't always be trusted. My very best thinking had taken me to rock bottom.
I was tired. I was scared. I was lost. I was ashamed. I had been defeated.
I was given a gift: desperation.
It made me willing to go to any lengths for my recovery.
I do not believe I would be clean or perhaps even alive today if I had not made the efforts to find the right kind of help.
And once I found the people I knew could help me, despite all the things that were happening within me that still wanted to fight it, I decided I would do whatever it took, repeating the very same actions worked for them to get well -- note that I didn't say clean/sober, I said well.
To my surprise, it works -- it really does.
This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. An adventure to take.
Miracles ahead, if you're willing to do the work. In fact, if my experience is worth anything, you can even become one.
Much love to you,
SIU
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
My favourite book on alcoholism is "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. It's a memoir of a young, high-functioning alcoholic and her love affair with drinking. When I finally stopped drinking, I felt like alcohol was my one and only friend in the world, and that made it so much harder to give up. But, with the perspective of a few weeks of recovery, I quickly realized the 'love' part of the alcohol relationship was totally false.
I'm glad that you said 'no' to your dealer and that you're moving forward with your life.
I'm glad that you said 'no' to your dealer and that you're moving forward with your life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi JD,
So glad you are here. There are a number of ex-heroin users on the substance abuse part of the forum. You might want to check it out.
One thing is for sure -- there is no CONTROLLING heroin or other opiates. The only thing you CAN control is reaching for the "ON" switch. Because, once switched on, most of us have no "OFF" button. There is no "moderation" in opiate use, or alcohol use for that matter.
SR is a great place to be for support in your recovery. There are forums for 12 step programs, and other places for those of us who do not prefer that approach. Many forums, like the substance abuse part, are a blend of methods. One great forum to check out is the Secular Connections one. AVRT is a great method that works for alcohol, but also works for drug abuse.
Good luck to you. And again, welcome here.
FT
So glad you are here. There are a number of ex-heroin users on the substance abuse part of the forum. You might want to check it out.
One thing is for sure -- there is no CONTROLLING heroin or other opiates. The only thing you CAN control is reaching for the "ON" switch. Because, once switched on, most of us have no "OFF" button. There is no "moderation" in opiate use, or alcohol use for that matter.
SR is a great place to be for support in your recovery. There are forums for 12 step programs, and other places for those of us who do not prefer that approach. Many forums, like the substance abuse part, are a blend of methods. One great forum to check out is the Secular Connections one. AVRT is a great method that works for alcohol, but also works for drug abuse.
Good luck to you. And again, welcome here.
FT
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Hi! I'm grateful I never tried heroin because it sounds really alluring from your description. I drank alcohol for the same "I can do anything" effect-- it was easier for me to be assertive. I used to think alcohol allowed me to be myself easier, but now I realize it wasn't myself that came out, it was just a drunk. I couldn't control my use of alcohol and I had no "switch"-- when I was trying to moderate, even when I had a drink or half of a drink I noticed a difference instantly-- I was more chatty, happy, bold. But of course after a bit too many I was slurring my words and silly-drunk and just thinking I was awesome when I wasn't.
I was pretty into coke for awhile too and talk about a waste of money. But I loved the "up" feeling and I also used it to "control" my drinking problem-- it negated the drunk effects of alcohol (or at least it made it seem that way in my mind -- I felt more in control, even paranoid, but according to others I was just super-drunk/high). I was able to control my use of coke much easier than I was my use of alcohol, perhaps because of how much more expensive it was and because I was more afraid of it since it's illegal. I don't feel I was "addicted" to coke-- I enjoyed it and could take it or leave it... I preferred to do it if I was out having fun at a club or party, and sometimes yes I would start to get anxious if I didn't have any on me for the night and couldn't get a hold of my guy, but in general I didn't "need" it on a daily basis the way I needed alcohol. Perhaps it hadn't progressed as far as my alcohol use had or perhaps alcoholism is in my genes and cocaine addiction isn't, I'm not sure. Anyway I struggle to remain sober from alcohol but with coke it's like, not a big deal and I'm mostly grateful I'm not spending so much money for the short-lived high, only to be left wanting another line. It was actually quite a miserable way to "enjoy" being out with friends and was much more about the substance than about the company.
On another note that's related to your post, my former dealer recently told me that his guy was arrested and may in prison for life due to non-citizenship status. For the first time my guy told me he had been arrested before, with this other guy, and that both of them had gotten acquitted by using a well-known criminal defense lawyer who was friends with the judge. Reading about your heroin dealer leaving you a note in conjunction with all of this makes me think, wow, these guys really don't care... they are out of prison and dealing again even though they just suffered the consequences. Kind of like how I kept drinking again and again even though I was suffering negative consequences. It's such a hard cycle to break out of but good for you for doing it. I think you write very well and obviously have interesting material so I just wanted to suggest that you write a book! Maybe you can help other people who are struggling with addiction. Good luck and stay strong.
I was pretty into coke for awhile too and talk about a waste of money. But I loved the "up" feeling and I also used it to "control" my drinking problem-- it negated the drunk effects of alcohol (or at least it made it seem that way in my mind -- I felt more in control, even paranoid, but according to others I was just super-drunk/high). I was able to control my use of coke much easier than I was my use of alcohol, perhaps because of how much more expensive it was and because I was more afraid of it since it's illegal. I don't feel I was "addicted" to coke-- I enjoyed it and could take it or leave it... I preferred to do it if I was out having fun at a club or party, and sometimes yes I would start to get anxious if I didn't have any on me for the night and couldn't get a hold of my guy, but in general I didn't "need" it on a daily basis the way I needed alcohol. Perhaps it hadn't progressed as far as my alcohol use had or perhaps alcoholism is in my genes and cocaine addiction isn't, I'm not sure. Anyway I struggle to remain sober from alcohol but with coke it's like, not a big deal and I'm mostly grateful I'm not spending so much money for the short-lived high, only to be left wanting another line. It was actually quite a miserable way to "enjoy" being out with friends and was much more about the substance than about the company.
On another note that's related to your post, my former dealer recently told me that his guy was arrested and may in prison for life due to non-citizenship status. For the first time my guy told me he had been arrested before, with this other guy, and that both of them had gotten acquitted by using a well-known criminal defense lawyer who was friends with the judge. Reading about your heroin dealer leaving you a note in conjunction with all of this makes me think, wow, these guys really don't care... they are out of prison and dealing again even though they just suffered the consequences. Kind of like how I kept drinking again and again even though I was suffering negative consequences. It's such a hard cycle to break out of but good for you for doing it. I think you write very well and obviously have interesting material so I just wanted to suggest that you write a book! Maybe you can help other people who are struggling with addiction. Good luck and stay strong.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I've never tried heroin but I can identify with thinking fondly about old drugs, even comparing one against the other.
The more time I spent in recovery tho the more clear perspective I get - I realise what I thought I was getting was never real, and the reality was a good deal more tawdry.
No matter what the drug, sooner or later I gave myself over to it wholly - I'm made that way. There's no controlling...just a slow, sometimes near imperceptible, descent...
Sounds like you were lucky to get out when you did, & I'm glad for you, JD
D
The more time I spent in recovery tho the more clear perspective I get - I realise what I thought I was getting was never real, and the reality was a good deal more tawdry.
No matter what the drug, sooner or later I gave myself over to it wholly - I'm made that way. There's no controlling...just a slow, sometimes near imperceptible, descent...
Sounds like you were lucky to get out when you did, & I'm glad for you, JD
D
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