bigmatt724

so here it is I am actually going through all the ******** again. I had over 6 months sober and screwed it up. Here is how it started. My best friend in the world died on september 15 and it all went downhill from there I found out and didnt even think that having a beer to calm my nerves would turn into this well here is the timeline

september 15 - best friend died any excuse to have a drink hell i havent been to a meeting in a month I was cured
september 18 -best friend viewing caught a buzz in parking lot I wasnt driving what the hell
september 19- funeral drunk off my ass didnt want the pain or so I thought

sept 20 through october 1 drinking more and more I was responsible i lerned my lesson on the funeral day cuz i felt like crap the next day well that led to drinking more and more

so here is the last 18 days of my life pretty much drunk every day and getting worse started slacking at work I just lost a promotion cause of a major screw up I did cuase i was working on a saturday and wanted to get a drink so i hurried off the job and didnt finish. . thing got real bad and i figured what the %^$# so i strated drinking extremely heavily got mad at my wife because she needs time to herself and goes out with her friends once a month for a girls night out Failed to realize we all need time to our selves and she didnt even drink. so then I got really drunk got a new tattoo that now i regret because I run 2 office buildings with over 1500 people and a giant confederate flag on my forearm isnt good PR so then I flipped went on a bender for four days drinking fighting cops etc... I am sure you guys know the drill. so now we are separted and I am trying to win her back but the only way I can do that is to show her that I am changing instead of doing the same BS every couple months. I never thought about things in the way that maybe AA works for a reason and those sayings we all hate were said for a reason so here I am separted from my wife not because she isnt willing to take me back but because I want to be to get myself right she said she loves me and this is my last chance so Now I am more serious than ever and am hell bent and determined to do it for me this time not anyone else so when you guys here the saying it isnt that bad that drinking wont make it worse take it to heart because I am living proof.

thanks for reading my rant and have a nice day

SASA

the 1st thing and only thing is stop drinking. The second thing is whenver you think about a drink, do not drink. You ahd 6 month, you can do this again. Just one day at a time do not drink!. Eat chocolate, ice cream anything but do not drink!

Anna

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

And, I'm sorry that things have gone so badly since then. You had six months sober before your friend died and I wonder what changes you made in your life during those months, besides not drinking? Alcoholism is the symptom and we need to deal with the underlying issues that caused the addiction, in order to recover.

I'm glad you are determined to do this and to do it for yourself.

NewBeginning010

Welcome Matt

So sorry to hear of your loss, my condolences.

We are glad to have you here with us, you can do this. I look forward to seeing more of your posts about your recovery & your new sober life.

All of the best in your recovery ~ NB

Fenris

I'm glad you're here bigmatt and I can relate to a lot of what you said. You know that things will always get worse for us when we drink -- even now, when things are already bad, they can always get worse. Don't grab a shovel and start digging when you reach bottom. It's great that your wife still loves you, but remember: "Job or no job -- wife or no wife -- we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God." (BB, pg. 98) I wish you the best.

--Fenris.

Dee74

Welcome to SR BigMatt

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, but I'm glad you're here.
Definitely sounds like it's time to stop digging.

You'll find a lot of support here

D

bigmatt724

it is amazing how many people actuallly comment in such a short period of time i thank you all I know this a long hard journey but it is one I have no choice but to make I am getting kidnapped by my old/new sponsor tonight to go to my old homegroup and he wants me to sit at the beginners table again and this time take it seriously because in his words the life I am saving is my own

Fenris

I'm glad you're going to a meeting and that you've (re)connected to your sponsor. Let us know how it goes.

--Fenris.

Hevyn

Hi bigmatt - Actually, in the end drinking for me became very hard. It made life unpredictable and dangerous. It wasn't easy to quit, but my days were such a nightmare, it was a relief to have it out of my life.

I started to ask myself when was the last time it was fun or relaxing. The word "high" didn't apply anymore, that's for sure. At the end of my drinking career, I was always in a dark place, just numb - nothing more. That's not living.

I'm sorry you lost your friend. I understand why you thought of dulling the pain by drinking. What we really need to do, though is allow those emotions to flow. Learn to deal with life's ups & downs without falling back on our old crutch. That's how we grow and learn. I wish I'd known that sooner.

You can do this, matt - and life can be great. We're here to listen and help.

betterlate

Sorry for your loss. I also lost a close friend and mentor in '06 and I believe that contributed to my "devil-may-care-attitude" for the next 3 or 4 years. Now that I'm sober I can remember our good times together more clearly than when I was drunk.

CarolD

Welcome...
Sorry for the loss of your friend That was a sad time I'm sure...

Are you going back to step 1 to begin your new journey?
I think that is a good plan.

Dominica2

Heya Matt,

Thanks for your post. I recently lost a promotion as well due to attendance from my job as a result of my drinking. I have only ever been able to go 14 days with the help of AA and then I relapse. I know of somewhat of what you are going through. Just keep positive! You can do it!


Dom

CaiHong

Bigmatt,

Thanks for posting your experience. I am nearly 5 months sober and when I hear the relapse stories I pay attention, I don't want it to be me. I am very scared of relapsing.

If I may ask you, what do you think really led to your relapse? We all react differently to situations, boredom, would more likely lead me to a relapse that the death of a loved one.

You said that you stopped going to meetings a month before the relapse.

I thought twice about posting this but I really feel you are trying hard to deal with your alcoholism. I hope I haven't overstepped any boundaries but I really want to know what led to the relapse.

All the best
CaiHong

debsam

BigMatt...truly sorry for your loss.

I will tell you that, for me, your post touches on a fear that I hold deep down and that is, what would I do/how would I react, faced with the death of someone I love and care about? I'm sorry that you are going through this...but please know that your post also helps others, like myself, to see that going back to the bottle at times like this...just makes it ALL worse...so I thank you for sharing.

I really think you can do this...I really do. We're all here to support you.

sugarbear1

So sorry about your friend. You can stay stopped. Maybe it's time to do more than just going to a meeting. Sobriety is action.

Peace,

mirage

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend..I can't imagine. Thanks for posting about what you've gone through, it helped me.

Zebra1275

Welcome! I hope this is your bottom and things improve from here.