Misskris76AJ

Feeling bleh! Wine drinker here, will so teimes drink beer (if liquor store is closed) but it has been escalating. Been in treatment 3 times, well, twice really, but three different places. Feeling hopeless. Just so gross. Not able to take care of the house, my child ( young son 6) not taking care of hygiene properly, to all outside appearances, looks ok still, but I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO DIE. Inpatient us not an option for me right now as have to care for my son, feel like I need a script of benzos or something to just detox, can't even BELIEVE I have gotten ti this point again, ugh and errggh, so disgusted and grossed out by myself, I'm not this person I've become yet I am...

artsoul

Welcome Misskris -

I can relate to wondering how/why we let things get so bad again. I'd been to treatment twice myself and had years of sobriety after each one. There were many positive changes in my life during those sober periods, so many that I honestly thought I had become a different person....... one who might be able to enjoy a drink or two with a new social group.

Eventually, alcohol has always taken over. This last time finally convinced me that a single drink will take me back to hell.

I'm so glad you're here and wanting to be sober again. This place has been my rock for the past 18 months. Keep reading, posting, and know that if we can do it, so can you!:ghug3

Dee74

Welcome Misskris76AJ

You'll find a lot of support here and encouragement and a few ideas as well.

I think the key is change - and yeah change is awkward and inconvenient and unsettling, but both you and your child sound like you deserve a lot better than whats happening now, yeah?

If you have noone to look after your child, and inpatient is not an option - whats else is there? Outpatient rehab? A recovery group like AA SMART etc? something non meeting based like Rational Recovery? Counselling?

Even seeing a Dr would be a good start. Anythign you can think of to get the ball rolling - please do consider it

D

Misskris76AJ

So embarrassing, was in the ER just last August and got a script for Librium, and back on the sauce, scary thing is, for the first time EVER, my liver and kidneys feel tender...and I am only 35!!! And I'm like, a well put together, attractive lady, so so so ridiculous, insidious, really, is this alcohol, I hate it, to be pouring wine in my coffee cup and sending my kid on the bus just to pass out in my bed and wish God souls take me, only to then feel so badly because what would he come home to then? I'm not some garbage person. Such a nightmare, then more wine to escape from it, but it only makes it worse, vomit. Gross. Love/hate.

Misskris76AJ

Mostly hate it by now, just so scary to think 'never again' isn't it.
Sigh.

Dee74

I found it better to think of one day at a time, at least at the beginning...forever sounded too immense, but not drinking today sounded achievable.

I think it's important you consult someone medically when quit drinking tho - detox can be no picnic for some of us...if you've drunk heavily for a while, getting some medical advice is simply the safest thing to do

D

artsoul

I remember those school mornings very well.......barely being able to get out of bed and promising "this is it - I'm quitting," then back to the wine by late that afternoon.

Still, it scared me to think of giving up alcohol. I do hope you'll get some help with detoxing. Things really can be good again, misskris..... and we're here for you.

Animal454

Hang in there Kris.

I could really relate to your first post. I had never really looked at my situation like that but reading what you wrote is yet ANOTHER eye opener for me since I have been here at SR..Thank you for that..

Sober Mojo!!!

Misskris76AJ

Gonna try n ration out 'shot glasses' of wine to get thru the night and sleep. Like monitor it n get off this major spin, n then get to this good meeting that is daily at 10am... Can't go back to doctor right now as my insurance got canceled, it was a private plan and as I am now an 'alcoholic' ( is a pre existing condition go figure!) I got denied my new policy, even tho I paid for it outta pocket! At least my son does still. dunno what I'll do if my organs go. They said apply for medical assistance, I had to go to the welfare office, but I don't qualify cuz I own a car and house. Uh. Maybe I'll move to Canada.

Misskris76AJ

Thanks guys. Appreciate the encouragement. Gonna try n get a benzo script or something if not gonna hafta just hardcore wean myself off with willpower, just ration. I also have sAme, 5htp, and dmae. Check back tomorrow. Gonna try the sleeping thing, sigh, hope it lasts more than 3 hours..............thank you.

sugarbear1

If you are sober and feel that badly, try aa and ask if anyone can take you through the steps as in Back to Basics. Relief will come.

Glad you're here! Hugs

Misskris76AJ

Yikes. Up again. Had some sober time, now trying desperately to get back. My prob was in the past could admit I had difficulties w drinking, but in the back of my mind, have always thought, 'i can control this' . Sure, that's y I'm up again ay 330 rationing out chardonnay in shot glasses, but actually feel better than yesterday.

Misskris76AJ

Ugh it's morning and feeling so badly. Dunno what to do. No more wine in the house. Feel like I'm gonna crawl outta my skin. Last thing I want is to drive 30 minutes to get it, but if I don't, then what? Drank 3 bottles of wine between 3pm and 8 this morning, trying sooo hard to taper it, and cut it out, feel like I'm gonna die.

Misskris76AJ

It's not even a drink per hour so I'm not even getting drunk just trying to stave off the inevitable.

PaleMale

I tried for years to control my intake. The only thing that worked was "too drunk to buy more". Wife was about to leave. I was a mess and getting messier. I gave up any idea of controlling intake and admitted I needed help I couldn't find on my own. After the initial shame and tears, it's only been looking up since.

Complete abstinence is the only thing that has worked in 20+ years of drinking. If you really want it, you can do it.

Misskris76AJ

Well, so I bit the bullet and am on the waiting list to go to a treatment center, where I was at back in March, left after two weeks cuz it was unbearable in many ways (very institutional and lots of court mandated ppl there) but my bf sorta 'made me' go as I had been kicked out of a 'cushy' rehab for drinking, one he had shelled out $$$ for, so he was PO'd, don't blame him...and like I posted above, my private insurance ran out and I can't get approved for any new plans as I have now, (alcoholism) a pre-existing condition, and the medical assistance will only cover this place, and my boyfriend well, let's say he's not so keen on shelling out thousands of more dollars. my attitude was dejected and bad at this place last time, especially after coming from the other place, which was like a hotel, but I realize now......finally, as this will be my third (well fourth really) attempt at rehab...I really shouldn't drink...EVER. it really sux, but it is strangely freeing to finally surrender and admit to it, that I will never really be ok if I drink or even think to drink alcohol, now I just hafta stop, and man if I am willing to go back to this rehab, I know I must be freaking serious!

Misskris76AJ

still at least the help is there for me and for that I am thankful, I will have to go back and say I am sorry for being and acting like an arrogant Ahole last time and just fess up that I was wrong, that I do need the help, and this time I am determined to do what they tell me, even though it is killing me, autumn is my favorite season, but I am trying to redirect my attitude to think, well, at least that maybe next year, I'll be able to enjoy it without feeling like I am going to or want to die if I just give in now...

Fenris

I'm glad that you're going to treatment. You can do this. Good luck.

Misskris76AJ

TY

fredstorch

Drinking is the only activity in which the more we practice, the worse we get.

Having just come off a big drinking weekend, I can sympathize with the way you are feeling. I had too much to drink Friday night, and felt terribly anxious and regretful Saturday morning.

I rationalized that Saturday is a weekend, and I was at a sporting event, so I kept drinking the whole day (and well into the night) waking up Sunday feeling three times worse than I did Saturday morning. So then, I had to drink all day, not for fun, or to be social, but just to manage to get through the day without shaking and sweating. That led to an okay night's sleep, but then 3 bedtime drinks Monday night. Here we are on Tuesday, and I finally feel okay, but I know unless I start making some changes, I am due to pay for another irresponsible drinking night with 4 more agonizing days recovering from it.

I can only imagine what sort of hellish withdrawls you are going through from a 7 day bender. I know you are desperately trying to maintain your BAC so that your withdrawl symptoms are lessened, but I'm 6'1, 215, drink a lot, and 3 bottles of wine would be a lot for me. I'm not surprised to hear you are still feeling hungover. If you can't stop drinking now, at least stick with your plan to drink less everyday. Within a day or two, you should start to get back to "normal", when you can realistically make sound decisions, and implement a game plan about how you are going to avoid this happening in the future.

This recovery process is brand new to me, so I am in no position to offer any insight, reccommendations, or wisdom like so many of the other helpful contributors. I can only say that I am sharing your painful experience, and appreciate the post. Hang in there!