Wife still wants separation, but somehow I'm still clean...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: OHIO
Posts: 43
Wife still wants separation, but somehow I'm still clean...
Hello all,
Thought I'd update you on my struggles. Went to Chicago last week, had a great trip. Felt awesome to get away from my usual environment. Came back, much more in control of my feelings. (made myself stop groveling; stop trying to manipulate her to change her mind) Instead i figured out what I need to do to get my life together. Feel like I'm coming out of sme terrible nightmare where my life has been screwed up by someone else, except that someone is me! Anyway, I didn't even have the temptation to go score, which is weird cause normally when I get to a different city I make a little game out of trying to score(stupid, huh). Had a serious talk about selling our house, paying off a bunch of credit card debt, and me moving into our rental house and her getting her own place. Didn't freak out, just listened and said ok. Asked her if she realized how permanent a choice this is. She said she wanted time apart to see if she could do it. Whatever she decides I'm just going to stay focused on getting healthy. Go back to working out to get my endorphins. I don't want to get cocky and think I'm out of the woods, but I've got 17 days heroin/cocaine free and I feel great. (not sure if it really counts since I take an antidepressant and just smudge (less than a milligram) of suboxone. I told my wife that one thing that keeps me going is that new years eve will be 90 days and look forward to telling "I told you I could do it"! Probably not the healthiest use of spite, but if that's what I takes cool. Anyway, thanks to all for the support. I've come to realize that it's better to just leave her alone and focus staying. Maybe when i get some real clean time in she'll miss me. It's a nice thought, but wont hold my breath!
. Thing to be grateful for: my arms are healing and i don't have to be paranoid and wear long sleeves!
Thought I'd update you on my struggles. Went to Chicago last week, had a great trip. Felt awesome to get away from my usual environment. Came back, much more in control of my feelings. (made myself stop groveling; stop trying to manipulate her to change her mind) Instead i figured out what I need to do to get my life together. Feel like I'm coming out of sme terrible nightmare where my life has been screwed up by someone else, except that someone is me! Anyway, I didn't even have the temptation to go score, which is weird cause normally when I get to a different city I make a little game out of trying to score(stupid, huh). Had a serious talk about selling our house, paying off a bunch of credit card debt, and me moving into our rental house and her getting her own place. Didn't freak out, just listened and said ok. Asked her if she realized how permanent a choice this is. She said she wanted time apart to see if she could do it. Whatever she decides I'm just going to stay focused on getting healthy. Go back to working out to get my endorphins. I don't want to get cocky and think I'm out of the woods, but I've got 17 days heroin/cocaine free and I feel great. (not sure if it really counts since I take an antidepressant and just smudge (less than a milligram) of suboxone. I told my wife that one thing that keeps me going is that new years eve will be 90 days and look forward to telling "I told you I could do it"! Probably not the healthiest use of spite, but if that's what I takes cool. Anyway, thanks to all for the support. I've come to realize that it's better to just leave her alone and focus staying. Maybe when i get some real clean time in she'll miss me. It's a nice thought, but wont hold my breath!
. Thing to be grateful for: my arms are healing and i don't have to be paranoid and wear long sleeves!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
Good for you for keeping your focus where it should be....on your recovery! If it's meant for the two of you to be together, it'll happen. If not, then at least you'll be clean and able to move clear-headed into your new life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: OHIO
Posts: 43
I keep going...but I'm not thinking that far ahead because that freaks me out and seems undoable. Keeping it cool, just doing what I do, and not listening to the jackass in my head that keeps tempting me
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