Fenris

I've read several posts on here in the past from people looking for ways to cope with a spouse/live-in partner who continues to drink or use around a person trying to stay sober, but I guess my memory needs refreshing. I came home from my AA meeting yesterday and I knew my wife had been up to something (after eight years, I can read her pretty well). She hid it, but I'm pretty sure I'm familiar with the smell of beer. It took wading through a few lies and misdirections to get her to admit to drinking.

Now, I realize I don't have the right to impose my sobriety on anyone else in my life, but I did ask her to give me three months in a drink/drug-free home until I've got enough recovery jammed between my ears to not let it bother me (as much). She promised she would. So, I'm feeling a little betrayed, angry and disappointed. I mean, she's drinking while her husband is at an AA meeting. Am I the only one that sees something wrong with that? How am I supposed to react to that? Anyone have any experience, strength and hope to share?

--Fenris.

PaperDolls

I don't think there's anything wrong with a normal drinker drinking, even while their spouse is at an AA meeting.

The problem I see is that you've spoken with her about it. She agreed she would give you 3 months and didn't. To me, it's more of a dishonesty, betrayal, respect sort of thing. What you do now, I don't know.

It could be that she's feeling a bit resentful that she should have to quit drinking when it's YOU that have the drinking problem.

Your situation also made me think of this from the BB.
"...we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of our dependence upon God."



BB quotes from 1st edition

Fenris

Thanks PaperDolls. Aside from the broken promise, I do feel in a way (rightly or wrongly) that my wife isn't being supportive. And she does seem to feel some resentment over the fact that my recovery comes first for me (which is why I asked for her promise in the first place), and I'm not sure what to do about that. I've tried putting myself in her shoes, but I can't really -- if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd like to think that her recovery would be important enough to me to be as supportive as I could be, since the benefits of having a sober spouse (as opposed to the nightmare it's been with a drunk one) far outweigh any inconvenience of time spent away from home to go to outpatient and meetings, or the inconvenience of not having a drink when I want one. :: shrug :: But it's well-established that my thoughts are "abnormal", so maybe I'm wrong about that.

Thanks for the BB quote. I hadn't thought about that.

--Fenris.

PaperDolls

Just remember, your recovery is not dependent on her "support". It's all on you; you have to take responsibility for it.

Try the no-blame policy.

soberred

My boyfriend is a normal drinker. The first time he went out without me and had his 5 or 6 drinks, I was furious, jealous, I felt betrayed. Then after quite a bit of thought, I came to the conclusion that I am being selfish. It is not his addiction, it's mine. I have to love him enough to be the person he is. My sobriety depends on me. It is a very personal decision and he cannot share in it. That would not be fair of me to ask him to stop just for me.

YVRguy

Well as an alcoholic , geez the number of promises , oaths and lies I told to my wife would be some numerous.....

My wife has actually not drank in our house for a long time as she knows I am battling alcohol and made her own decision and besides if she left any about , it was gone in a flash.

When we go out for dinner she may have a glass of wine and I have tomato juice no ice. Never used juice as a mix ...hell I didn't use mix the last years here and often no glass either.

True we own our own sobriety and recovery but expecting perfection from ourselves or anyone else seems to be part of my problem and I think a few other alcoholics. My wifes drinking did not get me here , my drinking did. I am not wallowing in my past but owe my wife a few gimme's for sure ...you may find the same ...

Have a good 24

sugarbear1

If you're putting as much effort into working the steps as you are on focusing on her behavior, your program must be phenominal! (I don't like should, could, or would)

PaperDolls

I was just thinking how unfair it is for us to put demands on our spouses about our recovery.

Think of the position we put them in, telling them something like "I can't get/stay sober if you drink." It's just plain B.S. What do you expect them to say? After all we've put them through and we tell them "Here's what YOU need to do so that I can stay sober." Most spouses have been trying for ages to "get us sober" and blaming themselves for our problems. Putting my recovery on someone else is just selfish.

I didn't drink because my spouse did. I drank because I am an alcoholic. Period. End of Story.

MrAverage

I'm going to have to agree with red on this one. It sucks that she tried to hide it, but asking her to change her lifestyle because of your problem is a bit selfish.

I went home this past weekend and one of my friends who is a normal drinker was acting funny around me. She wanted a few beers after a hard week at work, but refrained because she knew I was in recovery. I had to tell her point blank that there was no way I'd ever recover if I expected to never be around other people who drink. After a few minutes of assuring her I had no problem with it (or else I wouldn't have been there to begin with), she finally enjoyed a few beers and loosened up around me.

Though she is one of my best friends, I would never dare ask her to conform to any aspect of my lifestyle as a result of MY addiction.

Fenris

Thanks everyone. It's a kinda bitter pill to swallow, but I can see where I was wrong, hypocritical and selfish. I need reminders like that, even when I don't especially like it.

I expect unrealistic perfection despite my own flaws. I expect a promise to me to be kept no matter how many I've broken. I expect support when I've offered none. I don't hinge my recovery on anyone else, but I am trying to make others bear the weight of my problem. And I think I'm also probably a little jealous that anyone else can drink normally when I can't.

Thanks again for helping me take my inventory ya'll. Seems I have some amends to make.

--Fenris.

MrAverage

Don't beat yourself up Fenris. You didn't mean any harm, and it was an honest mistake born out of good intentions. We've all been there.

eJoshua

I would be pretty upset if I were you, but you have to forgive and move on and don't let it become a resentment.

PaperDolls

I know I used to be. For me, that finally went away I think as my acceptance grew.

wpainterw

I don't know about your having to "make amends" about your spouse's broken promise. It seems odd that you should have to apologize for that! But as the others say,it's best to move on, not expect perfection from others. They're human too. You can't control them and you shouldn't be dependent on them. Getting and remaining sober is your stuff and you can be proud of it! Free of alcohol, you can be free to live your own life. Let others do what they can to solve their own problems. As for the smell of beer in the house, when you sense that, get out a spray can (there are a number of good scents on the market- like lavender, rose, lemon) and spray it around. Don't say anything. Just spray it around....

W.

Fenris

painter...I didn't mean making amends for her action. I meant for my reaction to it. I blew up a little bit about it, threw a temper tantrum and that was the wrong reaction for the wrong reasons. That's more or less what I told her last night. Thanks for the air freshener idea...that's a good one.

--Fenris.