Should I just be gatetful he hasn't left me?
 

Just need opinions. Today was my birthday and my b/f got me a nice card, but no gift. We have been together for 5 years, and living together for a little over a year. I am the alcoholic, he isn't He use to smoke pot, but had no problem quitting that when he needed to for work and hasn't picked up in two years. He has not gotten me a gift before but that was our first year together. He knew it upset me, an:c021:d in years to come he always got me something, small, but special, but when there were no flowers and rarely a card on valentines day, or an occasional Christmas without a gift I tried to hide my disappointment. But usually drank over it. He always felt bad and always blamed it on money.
But this, I don't get it. I am sober, now today and have been for the past 10 days. I KNOW that is not much at all. And after all the hell I put him through up to now. I did horrible things. I must not deserve a present, the way he sees it? I guess I should be grateful he is even in my life. I feel like I have broken this relationship beyond repair.
I know I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself. I am.
I should pray.

All I know is when I was in a long-term relationship, and my significant other was putting up with my drunk *** for so long, I wasn't complaining about not getting presents from her.
I would focus on your recovery first and repairing your relationship, presents can wait.
We drunks can be really awful people when we aren't sober, don't forget that.
Your present is your sobriety and the ability to heal the relationship before it is too late, I never gave myself that chance and now she's long gone.
He's still with you so that says something.

I guess it just really depends on what you're used to. In my family, we rarely give each other gifts for any reason. We focus more on just being with each other on special occasions rather than wondering what to spend money on to make that person happy. Your post reminded me of an ex that I had a while back that was disappointed that I didn't get her anything for V-day, even though I took the night off work so I could take her to dinner.. I guess my point is that there's only so much love you can show with material possessions, but there is no limit to what you can show in your actions.

Tell him how you are feeling.

Story: My husband and I had been estranged for the better part of the past year but we've been back together since winter.

For my last birthday, my children told me that they were getting me a puppy but that Daddy told them not to tell me. So I assumed I was getting a puppy. My day rolls around. Morning; no puppy. Afternoon; no puppy. Evening; no puppy. By nightfall I am seething with anger and I am wallowing in pity. By then, I'd come to the conclusion that I wasn't getting a puppy because he wasn't certain about being back together with me. Normally I would be drinking and fuming over this, but saying nothing to him until it came out all wonky in a half-assed drunken rage.

Instead, I asked him if I could talk to him a second and told him exactly what I thought and how I was feeling about it.

First thing I said, "where's my puppy?"
Him: "Huh????".

Turns out my kids made the whole thing up. He never had a clue that I wanted a puppy either because I NEVER TOLD HIM.

I was so glad I talked to him about how I was feeling. I was sick and tired of dealing with things the way I am used to dealing with things, which never worked anyway. This worked better and even though there was no birthday puppy, I felt better for being square with him.

Tell him. It may not be what you want to hear, but at least you are being honest about how you feel.

I agree.

I think that we who abuse alcohol tend to be quite needy and insecure. And so we look to others to give us a good feeling about ourselves, since we can't do it on our own......wer'e too busy putting ourselves down, or feeling sorry for ourselves, or... well you get the picture.

Once you stop drinking not only will you be more inclined to feel good from within, but you'll be more focused on what you can do to make someone else's day. Now, I must also say that I love when my boyfriend thinks of something special to do that shows me he loves me...... But if it doesn't happen I don't internalize it and assume he doesn't love me or that I don't deserve it. In short...don't take it personally. Take care.

That makes a LOT of sense! I see that now. Thank you.

puppy? funny
 

Thank you for sharing, I love that story!!! I feel kind of silly now going back and reading my post again. He was so sweet to me on my birthday, he even cooked a nice dinner for my boys and I!

You are so right, he doesn't get gifts for his family. I feel kind of petty for complaining about it. It was an awsome card!!! And we had an awsome day together yesterday!

Thank you, I am glad to hear that. I guess it was so important for my ex to give me things, I came to expect it.

Happy Birthday for yesterday, and congratulations on 10 days alaskasunshine!

:You_Rock_

It's not the gift, but the thought, that counts. How do we know there was thought if there was no gift? Isn't that the point? The thought, the expression of love and care...

Sorry, I am not letting him off the hook.

I'm going to have to disagree there. Which of the following shows more "thought":

A sincere "I love you" and a walk in the park holding hands.. OR.. a dozen roses

I quiet candle lit dinner at home and cuddling on the couch.. OR.. a pair of fancy earrings

I guess my point is, if one has to have a "gift" to consider the quality of the relationship, there's probably an issue there to begin with.

One rose?

It sounds to me like you are starting to feel guilty for all that you have put him through, and now that you are sober you can really see that. That can make a girl very insecure because now you are affraid he will leave you. Drunk you may not have thought that way, but now that you are sober and see what all you put him through, that possibility is very real and frightening. Therefore, little things like not getting a gift, or lack of affection, or lack of communication can really depress you because in the back of your mind you are interpreting it as a sign that he wants out. The thing is if he wanted out he would have done so by now. I can tell you that in this past week I have been far more sensitive than ever simply because I am finally admitting to myself my weaknesses and flaws. Try not to be so hard on yourself, or him for that matter. When you see him give him a big hug and kiss and tell him how he is your best present simply for staying with you during this difficult time. It will get better and if you continue to improve your life for the better, he is going to fall even more in love with you than he did before. And Love is the greatest gift of all!!!

I think it depends on how one shows love/affection... I know I'm a big gift-getter, and I don't mean expensive extravagant gifts, but, if I'm thinking of my SO or a close friend or family member, say if I'm away from them on a trip or it's their birthday or another important occasion, I will get them something to let them know what they mean to me. So I tend to expect the same and I feel let down/not important if the other person doesn't do that. I think that if someone knows I am like that then they should make it a point to give me a small gift as a token of their affection, not because I'm selfish but because I often know what their way of showing love and affection is, and give it back to them in that way... for instance, if my SO is a touchy-feely guy I make sure to reciprocate, or if he always compliments me I realize that hearing this is important to him too and I make sure to let him know what I like about him.

I think there is a book about this called the languages of love or something, but to me it has always come naturally and makes sense. Not to everyone, so this is where communication is important. I agree that love/quality time shared together is the most important "gift" but I also understand that a physical gift is important to some people too, and I agree with the poster who told you to communicate your feelings to him. If he knows it is important to you then it's not that hard to get you one rose, but it lets you know that he is listening to you and cares. Good luck and congrats on your maintained sobriety.

My fiance doesn't buy me gifts, we don't have the money for it. Either way, I KNOW he loves me.

You can't buy my love, baby!

I ain't gonna lie - I do like shiny things though.

I didn't get from her posts that she was questioning his love for her. I could be wrong, and if so, then the issue is bigger than not getting her a birthday gift.

I don't think gifts and money have much to do with each other. In the past when I haven't had money for gifts, I've made them. I like to incorporate photos of fun times together/ great memories into homemade gifts.Perhaps that's what he was doing by cooking dinner ("making" a gift in the form of food, which I think is a great gift). I'm just saying that if her boyfriend knows that tangible, permanent gifts are meaningful to her, there are certainly ways he can go about getting her a gift that don't cost lots of money. So I don't know if this is a simple issue of communication (her just telling him that gifts are meaningful to her) or has more to do with her internal feelings of guilt, or her questioning if he loves her, etc. My point is simply that gifts do not have to equate to a lot of money or even much money.

That's true Pigtails.

I should have said he doesn't buy me gifts but he does all kinds of thoughtful, loving thinks for me. That's all I care about.