Pigtails

Hi Artsoul. You're right, my feelings change, and I have huge ups and huge downs. I know this about my personality, with or without drinking. Actually I've wondered if I could be slightly bipolar, and I know for sure I have anxiety/depression issues. So it makes sense that my feelings will waver. And they did when I was drinking but it just made things even worse... sometimes I would wake up so hungover and remorseful that I would just cry all day long. So at least now I'm actually dealing with my emotions as they are (in fact, they still might be a bit artificual/influenced by alcohol since I'm only on Day 5 again), and that is the best way to get through them. I would rather feel them than try to delude them with alcohol. Of course, I say that now, when I'm feeling "up," and I'm not quite sure I feel the same way when I'm feeling down. But I will just have to try to remind myself.

You're right, I never wanted just a drink here or there. Yes I "want" that in terms of, I want to be normal, like everyone else, ideally I would be able to do that... but in reality, I can't. So in reality I don't "want" it because I actually want more, I want to get drunk. But I don't want to live my life drunk anymore. Thank you for your helpful post. It helped me address the emotional aspect of things in addition to the thinking aspect of things. I do tend to over-complicate and over-analyze everything. I need to just keep things simple -- I don't want to drink, and I will have a better present and future if I don't.

Pigtails

Thanks for the good suggestion. I didn't work the steps last time. I suppose I just now got through the first step on my own? I certainly couldn't get through the second step and I'm not sure how I will but I guess I'll just try. If I do go to AA. Thanks again.

Cardio

Reading this thread has really helped me wrap my mind around what I'm doing right now--this trying to *be* sober. Thanks for starting it and to everyone else who's written such thoughtful responses. It really, really helps to read what everyone elses experiences have been. Thanks.

And I've used the "training" excuse Pigtails. Ha!

Pigtails

I'm glad it's helped you.

Today felt good. I ran 7 miles with my boyfriend and my friend. My boyfriend and I had a long talk over pizza and salad after the run and then had a nice evening at home and I realized that we were having a lot of fun without drinking. I'm realizing the benefits of being sober and the drawbacks of obsessing about whether or not I want to drink. I just don't want to drink, period.

Thanks everyone. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes. In 20 minutes I'll be through my fifth day sober.

instant

I am now over five months. I have found that unstable and at times distressing emotional states are a part of breaking free of having alcohol dominate my existence. With time the dramas get less, and things that worried me early on (eg I will never drink again??????????) are no longer things that I contemplate. Taking each day as it is starts to come easier with time.

Hang in there- it is worth the effort

Pigtails

Thanks for the encouragement. I do sense that the part of me that wants alcohol is the part that is asking these questions and freaking out, while the part of me that doesn't want alcohol is more serene and happy now. I hope it keeps getting better each day. Today is good so far... about to hit the gym with a friend. :-)