harshmistress

Day 27. I woke up this morning thinking about what an ass I have made of myself when drinking. Two summers ago was probably my heaviest drinking point. My relationship was in the dumps at the time, so I had no abandon for tossing back really, really stiff cocktails and then going out to clubs and bars only to drink more. I thought I was being so cool, trying to meet new people, looking all fly. But really I was just a mess. I'm so embarassed for myself. That isn't the real me. I'm stronger than that.

Sparkydog

Very cool, quitting the smoking and drinking at the same time. Like a boss! Thats the way to do it.

Seared

My girlfriend isn't a drinker, but I ruined her birthday this year by drinking too much. I still feel bad about it, because she really doesn't deserve it and didn't ask for it.

Sometimes I wish she was a drinker so she'd be more understanding of my drinking habit, but I have a feeling that wouldn't really help.

kkw1282

I'm only on 3 days and I feel awful. But I'm still going to push though it. I don't ever want to go through this again.

harshmistress

Day 28. Damn I want to drink! I don't just want to drink, I want to f**king rage! Right now I'm imagining myself walking the one block to the liquor store, ordering my usual pint of the cheap vodka and a few nips from behind the counter. They will be wondering where I've been the past 28 days. I will have to trek another block away to get my mixer, Snapple Iced Green Tea, cause they don't sell it at the liquor store. Then I'll have to cross the street to the third store to get a pack of smokes, only place that sells my brand. I still have weed from a month ago when I went straight edge. It's my religious trinity - weed, smokes and vodka. I'll drink to my heart's content, smoke as many cigarettes as I can fill my lungs with, and top of my high with a few one hitters just incase I'm not ****** up enough. I'll stumble home after band practice, if I don't get into a car wreck driving drunk. I'll hit the bed feeling numb. I will wake up about 3am in the morning with a pounding headache and dry mouth. But I won't have enough energy or enthusiasm to get myself water or pain reliever so I'll just lay in bed and stick it out. I might finally fall asleep about 6am, just in time to wake up an hour later to go to work. I have to get to work tomorrow, because I've got all those deadlines and meetings and reports that I'll have to suffer through with a brutal hangover. About mid-day I won't think I'll be able to make it. Oh please god, let this day end! If I can just make it to 5pm! When the work day is finally over I have to commute the hour home. 15 minute walk to the train, 30 minute ride on a crowded cart (I'll be lucky to be able to sit down), and then a 15 min bus ride to my house. It'll be brutal. When I finally get home, I'm exhausted, hungover, tired, dirty and feel like **** beyond belief. Most likely I will have emotionally beat myself up the entire day for blowing my sobriety and putting myself back in this situation yet again. I will go to bed early, and vow never to drink again.

So I'm going to skip all this ********, and just not drink tonight in the first place.

WhiteKnuckles

Hey Mistress! Yes all those reasons plus, we can't go back to fat face! lol, as vain as it sounds, whenever I find myself romanticizing about a drink, I always think, I cannot go back to that fat, bloated face I used to hate to look at. I have only quit a short time but already people tell me I have never looked better and from your posts I was thinking maybe you relate to that too. So of course there are many other, more profound reasons not to drink but I know how pervasive that voice can be, so when I can't stand to reason I defer to pure vanity (any port in a storm as they say!) Anyway good luck to you my dear and whatever it takes try not to pick up tonight. I am looking forward to going home and cooking some yummy tortilla soup tonight since it's starting to get cold out.

lavida

Well done, your story is inspiring....tell me does drinking and smoking have any correlation. I quit a 5days ago but i still smoke, does it affect my chances of relapsing???
P.s Be the man you were meant to be

Seared

I feel like, in worst-case scenario, as long as you're 'displacing' it with a lesser habit, you're still ahead.

One thing I hear about a lot, particularly in in-patient places, is they try to spoon-feed you pills to 'help' your addiction. One place I went to actually asked me to 'try them out' even though I said no to just about all the questions that would indicate depression.

The only tying I'm sad about is what I've given up on account of drinking, but at this point all that is still mostly fixable. I'm glad I didn't pick up a pill habit only to maybe or maybe not have that help with drinking.

But your example of food as a 'helper' is a harmless one. I'm impressed at your ability to kick cigarettes at the same time. A lot of people turn to them when they kick other habits. If you can do both, I think you'll be able to make it.

harshmistress

Day 29 and still sober. I was amazed that everyone I was around last night was drinking and/or drunk. All three of my bandmates, and then my girlfriend when I later picked her up from work. Man, how can a person stay sober when everyone else around them is partaking?! I was proud of myself for not giving in to the temptation. Especially when I was driving home late at night with my girlfriend in the car. I felt so protective of her. I wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened to her. Especially if it was my fault!

Dee74

for me? by accepting that alcohol and I have a toxic relationship and that 20 years of drinking has proven it is never a viable choice for me...not if I want the life I want to to be the person I want to be

I know it's hard - I was a muso too and I actually had to step out of my social life for a while until I was absolutely sure that my commitment to sobriety would be secure in any situation.

If you can't do that in your life, I guess you have to be prepared for a bit of rough road for a while HM - but there's always support here

D

Zebra1275

The sober days are starting to really add up!

Seared

I did that for a long time, and when I felt like that, my best solution was to unwind and kick back with a nice cold drink. Or two. Or thr... well you get the point. I wouldn't recommend that to anyone else.

Took me a long time to realize how much of my life I spent miserable compared to how much I "enjoyed" while drunk. That, and carrying a coffee around with me, always taking a sip before talking to someone to cover up my berath. Or worrying about getting too close to anyone who might smell it on my skin. Looking back, I think a lot of people got the impression that I was shy/timid just because I was trying to avoid being 'smelled out'.

I managed to break that cycle some time ago. Still trying to break my binge cycle on my off-days. I've been making good progress, but I always seem to cave for some reason after a few weeks.

I'll try to follow your example. It let me know there's hope.

harshmistress

30 days sober!
Wow I never thought I would be here. I tried so many times to get clean and would end up drinking within 2 or 3 days. I was starting to lose hope. Why was it so hard then? Why was this so "easy" (for lack of better term) now? 30 days ago I didn't set out to stop drinking for a month. I just woke up one morning feeling sick and tired of all the ****, and said I didn't want to drink that day. Nor the next. Before I knew it, I was on week two, and feeling better than I had felt in years, so I just went with it. There are times when I crave the old days, but not the alcohol. If that makes sense. There is a feeling of 'total abandon' that I miss when getting really drunk. But I do not miss the alcohol itself. It's Friday, a majority of my friends are probably already half in the tank, and it's barely 6pm. But I don't want that for myself any more. Please god, don't let me lose this sobriety. I'm so afraid to go back there.

soberlicious

HM,
You won't ever lose it if you never put the booze in again. No matter what, don't take a drink. And I wanted to ask...why can you not have the feeling of "total abandon" in sobriety?

Rummy

30 Days!!!
Congrats!!

harshmistress

Day 32. Really really really wanted to drink today. Lazy Sunday working on music at the rehearsal space by myself. Buuuuut I didn't and now I'm super glad I didn't. Sometimes I feel like I'm holding my breath underwater. Does that ever go away?!

Dee74

It did for me. I think we have to remember, if you're like me, we drank for years - 30 days is great...but it's still early days

D

harshmistress

Day 34. I feel like I'm starting to forget the reasons why I got sober. I'm getting use to waking up feeling well slept and refreshed sans hangover. I'm forgetting what it was like to be in the trenches with alcohol with it's tangled web all over me. I'm starting to try to negotiate with myself. Well, maybe I can just have one night. What's wrong with that, right?! And at the same time, I can't imagine myself actually pouring a drink or picking up another cigarette.

Dee74

Read around, even your old posts. It helps me put that kind of thinking in perspective

D