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New and Need Help Please

Old 10-15-2011, 12:53 AM
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New and Need Help Please

Hi Guys,I have been in and out of this forum for the past couple years. I am 37 y/0 and have progressively increased my nightly drinking for a bottle every night of wine. I trick myself by buying the little bottles (the Sutter Home Pinot Grigio they sell at the gas station) and think : "Oh today I will only have 2" but it never works out that way. I end up sometimes visting like 2 or 3 gas stations. It has become almost a compulsion. Funny we we trick ourselves. I will never just buy 1 big bottle. Even though cost wise it would be better. I live alone with my 16 y/o daughter and have lots of stresses over money etc. I also do not have many single friends and most of my hobbies have gone to crap. I used to exercise every day but lately I just look fwd to 5pm and am out by like 8:30 or 9. I have tried to do work on myself: Yoga, Accupuncture, Meditation. Exercise. I have even tried taking hormones because I suffer from PMDD and my drinking gets really bad right before my period. I have suffered from Anxiety and panic attacks since my teens and I have been on Antidepressant for like 10 years but lately all it does it get me to function at work but does nothing for the cravings. I have tried to get my self to AA but just am not sure it's for me. I keep thinking i am just going thru a rough patch. Maybe if I met someone but honestly I don't think I am in any shape for it. I REALLY want to quit. I have gained so much weight and my back aches and my headaches every day. I love my job bc I work with teens but I feel if i were sober I would be a much more effective, more present person. I also would connect with my daughter and myself on a deeper level. I am really scared. I don't want to go to rehab bc that is not an option right now. I just want to get the will power to stop. I need support but I don't wanna tell anyone in my family. If I can just go one day without having wine. The most I have gone in the past 2 years is probably 4 days. And thats only when I go to a seminar and am unable to drink. it's like I am my own worse enemy. I am sorry for rambling but if anyone has any insight or advice for me I would appreciate it.

Thanks

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Old 10-15-2011, 04:58 AM
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I think that our choices about our life reflect how we feel about ourselves. When you feel valuable and worthy you make choices that reflect those good feelings. When you feel down on yourself, you in turn make choices that resonate with that belief. So, maybe you can look deep inside yourself....how do you feel about yourself? Deal with that, and then you will make the right decisions for yourself and your family....it could'nt be any other way.
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Old 10-15-2011, 05:11 AM
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Welcome to the family! :ghug3 Have you stopped drinking yet or are just wanting to stop? Depending on how much/how long you've been drinking it might be a good idea to have medical help to get you safely thru the withdrawals. Can you see your doctor for help? If you stop drinking now and start to feel bad or 'strange' please get medical help. Your local ER can help.

You'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 10-15-2011, 05:24 AM
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Vilolet,

Thanks for sharing your story with all of us. I suspect many of us here can relate to your story. I certainly know I do. I drank every day for years in order to cope with life's every day stresses such as work and family. I used it as a coping strategy. I guess it worked at first, however, it is a path for me that was very unsustainable.

I can also relate to the fear that you might feel by quiting. I know thats why I put it off for so long. I remember thinking that life was simply to hard to go on without drinking. It had become to define who I was in the end. I was afraid I would never sleep again as I used it nightly to get rest. I was consumed.

Please know that you have tons of support here at SR. This place has been a true blessing for me. AA is also a great place to turn as well if it makes sense to you.

It takes courage to face the addiction, however I know life is so much better sober. I have a sense of freedom and clarity that I didnt have for over 15 years. And I also find that being sober is something I MUST work on every day.But then again, no worries, I worked on getting drunk every day for years as well, so I know I dont lack discipline to stick with a plan.

I hope so much that you find some peace. It is hard, but you can do it!

Thanks again for sharing.
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Old 10-15-2011, 05:32 AM
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Welcome!
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Old 10-15-2011, 08:58 AM
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Welcome back....

Sorry to know you are still stuck in active alcoholism.
I see a lot of things you are not yet willing to do in your post.

So...what is your plan of action? There are many ways to find a better sober future but all require more than wishing

For me....when drinking turned me into a depressed woman I detested....I connected to AA.
It's been an awesome adventure for the last 22 years...
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Old 10-15-2011, 03:38 PM
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Hi VioletFlame -

I totally get the fear of quitting. I drank a bottle of wine every night at the end, too. The anxiety and depression finally got to me and the only question was which would come first: the health problems, a crisis, or a nervous breakdown.....

It took getting sober (with the support here) to see just how bad off I was. I really didn't need to suffer all those years. I hope you'll face your fear and take a leap of faith into sobriety.

It really does get better......:ghug3
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Old 10-15-2011, 03:57 PM
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Hello Violet. It sounds like you're ready to reclaim your life - I wish I had at your age. You'll be amazed at how little you'll miss booze once you kick it out of your life.

When I was 37 I was still insisting I could control the amounts I drank. Like you, I'd always drink more than I intended - but I never tried to break free of it the way you're going to do. I went on for many more years, living dangerously & destructively.

Be proud that you've reached out for a better and healthier life. We never need that junk the way we think we do - it's a lie we've told ourselves for too long. Time to break free. You can do this.
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Old 10-15-2011, 04:05 PM
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Welcome back violetflame

I thjnk one of the truest sayings we have here is nothing changes if nothing changes.

Looking back to when I was stuck, there was a lot of things I thought about that I could do (AA or some other recovery group, see my Dr, or a counsellor, or rehab) but in the end what I would do was very slim....I'd always do nothing much...

There was a lot of fear for me in thinking about change - even good change. My life was pretty crappy but it was familiar.

The thing is, my life got worse, and very quickly....I nearly died from my inaction.

Action is the key - so try something - whether its AA or SMART or counselling or whatever - if choice A is not for you, try something else.

I'm really glad I made the leap of faith and started actively working on my recovery. I drank for 20 years....these last nearly 5 years sober have been, literally, the best of my life - and my story is one one of many similar ones here

You'll find a lot of support and ideas here
Good to have you with us

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Old 10-15-2011, 04:22 PM
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Welcome Violet,

I was my own worst enemy too, but I was able to take the leap of faith and believe that I could live a better life and that I deserved a better life. You do too.
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Old 10-17-2011, 08:30 AM
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Welcome to the family Violet. I can relate to most of your story and I hope you find the willingness to get the help you need. A lot of us (if not most) find it almost impossible to quit on our own, regardless of how much "willpower" we have in other areas of our lives. In my case, I didn't have to find the will to quit...I just had to find the will to take that first step and get help from something outside of myself (rehab, outpatient, AA, my spiritual Higher Power, this forum and then a sponsor). I came to understand that I could not get nor stay sober on my own, but with a little action and willingness, the powers greater than myself that I just listed could do it for me. I've gone from being a part of the problem to being a part of the solution.

Sometimes a crisis is required to find that willingness and I hope that doesn't end up being the case for you. I'm glad you're here.

--Fenris.
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Old 11-08-2011, 12:14 AM
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My problem is I continue to fool myself into taking the 1st drink. The week before I am getting my period it gets really bad and I feel like crap about myself right now. I went to an AA meeting but I think it really didnt do it for me. I find that I have no willpower these days and I am losing myself. I have honestly realized maybe for the 1st time that I have become an alcoholic and it is such a sinking feeling. It scares me to think i may drink again tomorrow. I feel so alone.
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Old 11-08-2011, 12:22 AM
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Violet Flame
Even when I wanted to give up I could not fight the urges or what I call "the dread" of not drinking. Basically I was far more addicted than I realised, emotionally and mentally even if I avoided the worst of the physical withdrawals. I kept setting date after date, caving early, occasionally getting a day or two here and there. The more you practice the better you get.

Sobriety is so much better than the struggle I endured for years, but it can be scary to start.
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Old 11-08-2011, 12:39 AM
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violetflame, I can relate when it comes to buying alcohol. I would never buy it at one place. I would go to different places because I didn't want anyone to know I had a drinking problem. If you decide that you need to drink then only go to one place to buy it and take it home. And if I red it right that you drink one and need to get more so you drive again. If that's true then buy it all at once. You don't want to drink drunk!

If you have bad triggers before your period then try to keep yourself busy. Try a hobby or exercise everyday. You will need to try to force yourself out of that pattern of thinking.

Saying that your POWERLESS is not a good way to think in life and your just craving in to you addictions. Lets think of it this way, your POWERFUL enough to get in your car and drive to many different gas stations to get your alcohol so no one knows about this problem you have. If your POWERFUL enough to do that then your POWERFUL enough to not cave into your addictions.

Over time, it gets easier when you stop. If you relapse then just learn from it and move on. That's the only think you can do.
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Old 11-08-2011, 06:35 AM
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Hi Violet! Welcome! I can so relate to your story. How we tirick ourselves! I too didnt think AA was for me untill I had no other hope. I had absolutley no one left! I met some wonderful people in the rooms and just kept going till the miracle happened! Im sober! You can be too sweetie! I am your age and have a teenage daughter . We can do this together.:ghug3
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Old 11-08-2011, 06:47 AM
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If you quit drinking, your life will improve. Simple as that. You have the strength to do it and you have the reasons why. Now you have us. We are all on the same journey here.
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Old 11-08-2011, 07:45 AM
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I have found it helpful in the early days of my sobriety to keep a running word document on my computer reminding me of how lousy I felt when I drank and how much better I feel when I'm not. I do this because I fear that the longer I am sober I will forget the bad parts of drinking (guilt, worrying I will be discovered, wondering if people I encounter know I've been drinking, forgetting what I watched on tv last night, forgetting conversations and having people look at me like I'm nuts, the morning dry mouth, etc). So write it all down and add to it when you have a good day because you DIDN'"T DRINK. Write down what was terrific about it!
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Old 11-08-2011, 07:54 AM
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Originally Posted by violetflame View Post
I have tried to get my self to AA but just am not sure it's for me.
Violet, as a staunch atheist, I was absolutely sure AA wasn't for me. But, my continued drinking forced me to become open-minded. I did what AA suggested to recover, and I recovered. Simple as that. AA is for the desperate people that can't seem to stop picking up that first drink.

Originally Posted by ACT10Npack View Post
Saying that your POWERLESS is not a good way to think in life and your just craving in to you addictions.
Interesting. I'm powerless over alcohol, and I haven't had a drink in many years. My own experience showed me that whenever I tried to exert my power over alcohol, I ended up drunk. Accepting the truth of my powerlessness led to long term, contented sobriety. Funny how that works.
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Old 11-08-2011, 01:10 PM
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Thank you all for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I had a lousy , anxiety filled night and a dreary hung over day . I was surprised I even made it to work since I passed out at 8 and woke up at 2am and didn't get back to sleep. I have made a decision to continue reading the big book, posting on here, exercising and meditating. I will go to a meeting if possible on Thursday and also made an appointment to see a therapist for my anxiety and deprssion. So I guess the hardest part will be replacing the nightly drinking habit with other, more productive things. I sense I will be on here a lot. I am too tired to go anywhere today and I didn't go to my 2nd job I do in the afternoons. Am just going to relax and catch up on my shows since I feel so crappy.Hopefully tommorow I will see things more clearly and feel stronger. But I vow not to drink tonight.
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Old 11-08-2011, 01:51 PM
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best of luck with your day one VF

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