NewBeginning010

Hi Everyone,

I just got back from a couple of business trips (Japan & New York) and now have friends that want to get together. I find its like a constant game of cat & mouse as to where people want to go out to & if they plan on drinking a lot (I just don't want to be around it... lots of reasons why ;-)

I thought I would ask some of your experience as I just found myself being much more straight forward than usual to a point that some might consider rude.

When asked to go out tonight (Friday of course) my response was along the lines of "Are you sure you want to spend your Friday with a non drinker? I dont want to be at any pubs or lounges where everyone is out to get drunk"

I guess I have found that there are a few friends that want to see me (yeah, I am a pretty fun guy straight too ;-) but seem somewhat disappointed or quietly would prefer if I was back to my old drinking self (they have never seen the true damage, only a very drunk NB on occasion with some stupidity thrown in).

Its hard to describe but you just know that they would prefer to be in a pub or lounge somewhere & not at the cool coffee shop with live bands that you recently found (its awesome btw ;-). It could just be me but I really dont think so... its hard to describe.

I guess I could be being a little more aware/sensitive of it as before I went away I actually had a long time friend tell me that he was uncomfortable with me not drinking when we go out (he & his gf are a young happening, active couple that seem to be able to party hard & happily get back to being a highly functional & successful couple the next day). I know this is an indicator that they have a problem but we did have a good fun relationship in the past (non drinking things like golf etc. well we did always hit the 19th hole for a while at the end).

Anyway.... just wanted to get some of your feedback on your experiences during your recovery. Please share your thoughts ;-)

Have a Great Weekend!

Cheers ~ NB

BobGT

Hey NB! I think if your friends agreed to go to the coffeehouse, then they value your friendship more than the drinking.

Normies go to the bar with friends to see their friends.
Alcoholics go to the bar with friends to drink.

ForeverDecember

I always went to the bar to drink, having friends around just made me feel less conspicuous.

I've noticed that in the fortnight of not drinking not a single friend has contacted me. They don't know I've quit, so it's not because they are giving me space, they just figure I'll show up at the bar like usual and they'll see me then.

My "friends" are enablers in a big way. They run the small bar that is my local. I once told them "I'm really trying to cut back, can you just not serve me alcohol when I come?" the reply? "If you've got money I'll serve you beer". Which is illegal, but meh. Better to be rid of them. One in particular is an alcoholic in denial, an uses me as a drinking buddy for the same reason I used him - so I could get alcohol without looking like I needed it.

I've been building my relationship with my partner and family since being sober. And teaching our new puppy some tricks

Dee74

Good to see you again NB

I spent yesterday with a good friend of mine - we speak often but I hadn't seen him in maybe 4 years...he's a normie but he's a rock musician so he parties more than most.

He was telling me how great it is to see me happy and healthy now - he was scared for my life when I was drinking and drugging.

We had a really good day - and nothing stronger than coffee was drunk. He's emailled me 3 times to tell me how great it was

I think sometimes we can get caught up in the minutiae and forget that Big Picture...and we can project our own fears doubts and misgivings onto others...but real friends know whats really at stake. If they're still taking your calls I think you're ok

D

CarolD

My social circle consisted of drinkers when I was one...all activities were done with drinks at some point.

When I declared I was going to quit...had joined AA..my apartment was now a non drinking zone....I would not be going to the x or y or z......
they scoffed and thought I had lost my mind...

Yes it was painful to know how little they cared about my well being...but Gee! they too were all excessive drinkers.
Since I stopped.. 28 died from various causes related to alcoholism. So unnecessary ..tragic.

A few did stay as friends....and we are still..22 years later. They do not drink when we visit.

Anyway...I found an AA group with mostly other singles. In D.C. that
is not difficult.....and we did all sorts of interesting and fun things outside of meetings.
I'm in contact with those too from my early days....we laugh at how we forged bonds and stayed sober together.
I re located twice since I started my AA journey.

I'm glad you found the coffee shop with music...sounds very cool....
Why not invite your friends there rather than try to hang out in bars?
There are always going to be places to drink...IMO early sobriety is difficult w/o the added stress.

GreenAces

I know how you feel NB. I'm in the navy and a big part of why I went back out drinking after being in AA for awhile was because when we are gone and I am away from recovery and meetings, I just want to be around my friends.. And ofcourse they all drink, and the number one thing they want to do is go out and drink... I thought I was strong enough to be able to handle it and go out with them but I wasn't, I drank.. And I drank a lot!


So basically for me I know that if I want to hang out with them it's going to be at a bar, or a party. I know that there is no chance at all for them to go out and do something that I would want to do.. And I accept that, so I guess what I have to do is find some of these people who I know have been in recovery once and see how they are doing and if they want to give it a shot again.. Or just make plans with the one guy who I know is in recovery...

Other than that, it's all I can do, but I only have 10 months left in the navy, so if I can hold out for that much longer and not drink, then I will be able to return to my home state and find some "real" friends...

I may have gotten away from the original post a bit, but I think it fits here as that is my situation with friends who drink.

SeekSobriety

Thanks so much for this post! This is a great topic. When i stopped drinking I learned who my "real" freinds were. Truth is when I was drinking I thought I had tons of friends but I realized that I had a few "real freinds" when I stopped drinking and using.
To tell you the truth a few "real" friends is all I need. People I can truly count on to be honest with me and be there for me through good times and bad.
Not just party wooohooo friends at the club/bar.
If I go out with friends who drink, I make sure we meet at a restraunt, movie theatre, yogurt or coffee shop. I do not go to bars with them. I dont need or want to put myself in a uncomfortable situation. Plus people who are super drunk bother me these days! I can't believe I was one of them!

Best of luck to you!! Keep on posting!

NewBeginning010

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your posts & learned a lot from your input. I have also found the conversations I have with the friends I hang around with now to be much deeper & more gratifying/satisfying. I also find having a few good friends that understand, accept & support me & my decision to live a sober life very satisfying as well.

Thank you all for your input