new to this, need help!
 

hi, im new to this blog, but was looking thru it& it looked like you guys could give me a few words of advice & wisdom, well ive been with my boyfriend for 3 yrs living together for one, i always suspected that he was doing cocaine & confronted him several times about it, til he finally came clean about 2 weeks ago, it wus very devastating!!!! it turns out he has been doin it since he wus 18 now 24,on & off this whole time. he had been hiding it from me this whole time! i feel like i dont even know who he is anymore, i found out thru text messages of him & his friends & noticed his behavior. so once he finally admitted to it he told me he was gonna stop for us.i told him he has to do it for himself, because he will use me as an excuse to use it if we ever fight, or at least thats what i think. i told him if he wanted to stay with me he had to change that i would be here to help him get thru it if he followed my rules, first one of all of them is his friends who he used with are not welcome in my house,& he cant go hang out with them til i feel like he wont use anymore, second rule is he has no access to money unless it is with the atm card so i can see all his transactions, no cash! i know i sound a lil strict but to me this is really serious, my dad went crazy because of drugs & dont want the same to happy to my family! i just wanna kno if there is any advice on how to make sure he stays clean & how i can start trusting him that he wont use? any suggestions are helpful & thank u for taking the time to read this.:c020:

Hi and Welcome,

You cannot make your boyfriend stay clean. That's something he will have to do for himself.

My advice would be to make boundaries for yourself to take care of you, rather than making rules for your boyfriend. He's an adult and no adult likes to have rules to follow in his home. However, you can make a boundary such that if he brings his friends to your home, you will go out.

Please check out our Friends & Families forum on this message board.

well i did make boundaries for myself, that if i see him acting weird like when he used to use, he has to leave our house. i dont want to be with a drug addict that isnt gonna change.

Welcome to SR. I hope you'll take a look at our Friends and Family forums where you'll find the stories of people who have been through or are going through the same thing you are.

Anna is right, you cannot make him quit. I'm sure this all comes as a huge shock to you, but he's been doing this for a long time. Now that you know, of course he's going to say he'll stop so he doesn't lose you. It's rarely ever that simple though. Just as he is an adult and can choose how he wishes to live his life, so are you, and you have the right to decide what you will and will not live with. Making rules rarely works. Giving ultimatums rarely works. Setting boundaries, which are like rules you set for yourself, can be very helpful. Something such as, I will not be in a relationship with a drug user, or I will not allow him or anyone else in my home if I suspect they are high.

The only person you have control over in this situation is you, so that's where you need to start. If you tell him to leave and he doesn't leave, then what? If he lives there, he has as much right to be there as you. These are things you need to consider when setting boundaries.

suki44883- thanks for your words i really do appreciate them, i know he is an adult & will make his choices, its just been really hard on me, i dont know what to do. so i felt the rules were a good idea, & so far things have been good. he doesnt even go looking for his friends because he said he wants to earn my trust back, that he doesnt want to have me doubting him. he told them that i found out about his problem & that he would be distancing himself for a while til he himself feels more confident in himself. he also said he has been wanting to quit for a while & now with me help he said it will be easier. i told him that whenever he felt an urge to do it, to talk to me about it. he said he would & just yesterday he told me that he feels really good, like if he isnt gonna have to use anymore. i have done my research & been sharing what i found with him so we are both dealing with this together. & if he does relapse, he himself has agreed to leave our home, which is the last thing he or i want. but i feel like theres no other way to make him learn. & if that day comes, he ultimately has no choice because the lease & all the bills & car everything is in my name.

Hi there,

NA might be a good thing for your boyfriend to try. It really helps addicts to be around other addicts (hence this forum). Or perhaps it would be useful for him to read the Susbstance Abuse forum? Good luck to both of you. Let us know how it goes!

I hope all works out as you wish....my concern is you mentioned children live there too
Please make sure all this focus on him will not divert your maternal attention.



.

I hope everything works out for the two of you, but I know that the kind of approach you've chosen to take would never have worked against someone like me. Threats, rules, ultimatums, trying to control or change an addict...there's a big difference between setting boundaries for yourself and setting rules for him to follow. The best result I've ever seen occur from those tactics is that you might make him uncomfortable enough to seek help. Maybe it'll work for you two, but I wouldn't be surprised if he just got better at hiding it from you after this little storm blows over. The Friends and Family forum here or an Al-Anon meeting might be a good place for you to start if you seriously want to continue this relationship.

--Fenris.

thanks for all of ur guys advice, it really helps, well so far things are going good.its been about probably 3 weeks since he has used, because thats the last time i noticed him weird. the past few days he has been really moody gettin upset over everything, im guessing he was suffering from withdrawal symptoms. he has been really irritable,& it really taking a toll on me emotionally,its not fair for me having him treat me bad because iam still here for him. so til i finally asked whats really bothering you, he said its the coke,he said the other nite @ wrk he felt like he was on it,his body was acting like when he would use,& that he has been moody because his body is asking for it.which i did my research & it says the addiction is mental? idk too much bout it. but we talked about it, & i told him why hadnt he talked to me about it,instead of constantly snapping @ me.he said that since we both have different schedules & have only been seeing each other for like a couple hours a day & thats it, he didnt wanna waste our time together talking about what he was feeling, i told him that its better if he lets it out, & talks to me about it,that way he knows & feels he isnt alone & can talk to me about it. he said its really hard for him & i dont understand, but i kno how hard an addiction can be because i seen my family destroyed over drugs! i told him the only way to quit is cold turkey, not slowly letting go since he just gonna keep using & feeding his addiciton, i told him every day he goes without using is an accomplishment & everyday is gonna get easier. that i am really proud of him for being able to let go & try to get better for himself, & us. any advice on how to ease withdrawal symptoms?