Jdkarlson

For some crazy reason, I thought when you got married it was a long term deal. I'm new to recovery but I finally feel like I'm really READY to let this behavior go and move forward. So, I did my last fix around 4pm on September 30, toughed out dope sick, am on a slow taper off sub (already down to 1 milligram once a day) So, I was starting to feel proud of myself, and told my wife I'm goifng to make it this time if it literally kills (because it might!) and decides to drop that she's unhappy, loves me but isn't "in love" with me, and wants to be single again. Hearing these things from someone I love and thought reciprocated those feelings is hard to listen to. I went from being really sad and upset to really angry. Now, I feel like I can't focus at work because I keep thinkng about it. I told her she sure picked a great time to drop the bomb. I said I'm finally doing something about the addiction and she tells me it's not the addiction, she made peace with that a long time ago. Not to be
graphic cause I know the rules, but she always complained about sex not
being comfortable and so I backed off and told her I'm cool til she figures out (something about candida, whatever that is?) So, I don't know of the lack of that caused a rift. I mean I'm happily going about my life, going to work, coming home, making her dinner, taking care of things around the house. She comes home gets on the computer and vegs out. I've tried numerous times to get her to open up...she won't. I don't know if it's because she's just waiting for me to relapse or what. Did I meet her to young? (22)? After 8 years and three years of marriage you'd think she'd try to make things work. So what should I do? Just focus n recovery? Should I try to save it? If so, how? The last few days I get into arguments because I feel like I'm in some horrible dream and I can't wake up. It's surreal. She and I think so similarly in most
things that she can say what I'm thinking 90% of the time. And vice versa---it's like our minds work similarly. I don't know if I should let her go. She has only been with one other guy and me in a intimate sense, where as I've been
around and around the block. Does she think she's missing something. I tell her most people are basically the same; you just have to find someone who doesn't drive you crazy. (you know, some inexplainable deal breaker like you cant stand the way they drink out of a bottle...stupid, Seinfeld reasons) She tells me that I really don't love her I just don't want to be alone, but I tell her no, I love the things about, her but I'm not worried about being alone, I'm
personable and not a complete ogre, I can find someone, but part of me dreads the thought of scrapping 8 years of my life, especially when I still love her. I don't know what life will be without her. I know I should pretend nothings wrong, play head games like, ok, if that's what you want, but i thought I was past doing that. You shouldn't have to trick your wife to be with you---she should be proud of you---and maybe that's the problem. Since she's a chemical dependency counselor, she tells me she deals with addicts all day and the last person she wants to help is another addict at home. The thing
is, I never use in front of her, and unless I totally screw up and do coke she'd never know. She tells me being clean and not using isn't enough. She says I need to go through treatment to work on all aspects of myself, but to be honest, I'm a kind, caring, considerate person. If anything, she needs to work on her effort in this relationship. I'm sick of planning trips and dinners and surprises trying to make her happy. Drives me crazy. You know what? Maybe I would be better off without her! Anyway, my apologies for rambling. I'm leaving cincinnati this afternoon to go to Chicago for the Remodeling Convention. I'll be there until Sunday and the plan was for her to come up friday night and we could do the town. Maybe my absence will be noticed. One of her complaints about me is that i work too much and never can go on vacation. I tell her i'm in construction, you never know when work will disappear, so i work until there isnt any. She usually goes on vacations with her girlfriends and for some reason is going to cali to visit a couple who i cant stand. Shes been out of contact with these people and now out of the blue she's going to spend Halloween week with them. (they hate me because i made the comment that i thought most rap videos had a negative effect on
the inner city family since they seem to glamorize promiscuity....their reaction and the way they sneer at me, you'd think i was rush Limbaugh and I'm a damn liberal!) I don't know what to do, but it's hard to sleep next to the person you love, and have no reciprocal attention. I know I should just pretend nothings wrong but I can't help myself because it feels like I've been punched stomach and the pain won't go away. The only way I know how ,to handle emotions like this is to get high, but that's no longer an option. When does the hurt stop? Is it hopeless? The last thing I said is that if she can say she honestly tried to work out our problems, and it didn't work, then I could let her go. Any thoughts and advice is greatly appreciated....

alaina02

You can't control her or her feelings. You are powerless over what she says or does. I would continue to work on yourself....all in all, even if yall seperate, you are going to be ok. Life carries on and so will you. For all you know, she could leave....you could get some long term sobriety ...and she could come back!! you NEVER know what will happen until you rely on you higher power to direct you. If you dont have a higher power i would find one now and seek him. Ask for his guidance and stay sober....its a one day at a time thing...and your best option is to keep a simple attitude (easier said than done). You can only change YOU. Good luck and dont put in!!

shanman422

JD - I am so sorry you are having to go through this at all, but especially so early in recovery. I'm so glad to hear you are staying away from your DOC and handling it the responsible way.
First have you suggested marriage counseling? Is that something that you are open too? If you want to save your marriage to be with the one you love, you will do EVERYTHING humanly possible. So if that means therapy, counseling etc do it. It could really help in your recovery as well. If she is not willing to do that, then continue to just work on yourself. You will be suprised at how being sober will change you from the inside out. Either she will begin to see you in a different light and want to salvage your marriage, or she already checked out and there may not be any hope. But at least you are doing everything YOU can!!!
Continue to stay strong!

Jdkarlson

Thank you both for words of encouragement. I am willing to do anything, counseling, whatever. I'm not sure if she's into it. I met her relatively young(22) and feel like maybe she thinks she's missing out. All of her girlfriends are single, and she loves to go do things with them. We didn't get married until she was 27, maybe that was too soon? Whatever the case, thanks to you both for the support it means a lot.

I'm not a churchy type, so I'm not sure how to approach the higher power concept. How does that happen? I've never felt that God existed; thought that it's a delusion for adults to have a parent to make them feel secure. I'm always impressed by how happy religious people are but it comes across so cheesy sometimes that it feels so uncomfortable for ,me. That sounds really horrible to write, but I want to always be honest on here. I wish I could believe more than anything...

least

I can't speak to the marriage issues, only thing I'd advise is working on your recovery the best you can. What's done is done and you can't go back in time for any 'do-overs'. There have been others here who got clean/sober only to lose the relationship anyway. But no matter the outcome, please continue to work on yourself, making yourself happy and secure, whether you're married or not.

I wish you the best in whatever you do.



St Augustine once said, "seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand." That makes sense to me...

Fenris

JD, I know what it feels like to love someone that you've been with for a long time and suddenly find out that they aren't in love with you any more -- it's a hard thing to handle and believe me, I spent a lot of time drinking over it. Of course, right now you realize that using isn't the answer and I hope that you remember that fact if things get worse between you and your wife. Wife or no wife, you don't have to use. Also, thank you for your honesty and your willingness to share what's going on with you -- being able to open up like that will help you stay clean and might even help someone else. Good luck and stay strong,

--Fenris.

Anna

JD, what I know is that recovery changes everything in your life. My relationship changed too, not necessarily better or worse, but different. If your wife would be open to marriage counselling then that would likely be a good option, but you can't change her feelings and her need to leave the marriage.

And, she is right that not using/drinking is not enough. Those are the symptoms and you do need to deal with the underlying issues. Maybe she will recognize that she needs to work on herself too?

You need to keep the focus on yourself and your recovery.

iliveforyou

Wow, what a tough thing to go through in your early recovery - I'm sorry you've had to go through it as well. I cannot speak on the marriage (although I am married, unhappily so) but you need to focus on YOU and your recovery. You need to hold that highly as it is precious and frail. You can only change yourself, not your wife. If she does end up leaving, keep your sobriety in tact - no one is worth losing what you've worked so hard to achieve. Sounds like there is a lack of communication and that's a huge part of the foundation of marriage or any other relationship. I know it's easier said then done but don't beat yourself up over this and jeopardize your sobriety over a situation that sounds out of your control at this point. It's hard to face significant challenges in early recovery, I know because I'm dealing with more than a handful. Hang in there, we are here for ya.

-Jess

aasharon90

It was suggested that the whole family
should have a program to work in order
for the family to remain healthy and happy.

In my 25 yr marriage, I got sober 8 yrs
into it and continued to grow and change
as I eventually left my little family scratching
their head as to what happened.

My spouse went to several alanon meetings
and that was it.....he and my 2 kids were
the normal ones in the family as far as
not having any kind of addiction. So no
program was needed for them......

This left our little family lopsided with less
communication and understanding.

I grew, changed and moved along in recovery
and in my life. It is a blessing, gift provided from
the Man upstairs and Im truely grateful for
a sober, wonderful, remarried life living
happy and joyous and freer for the past
21 yrs.

Jdkarlson

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I'm such a control freak that I have to learn to let go. That is easier said than done. I think I need to sit down and figure out what things are stressing me out. Let the stuff go that I have no control over (her). It really hurts to hear that your spouse is no longer in love with you---cuts to the bone and it's like this continual ache. I'm taking everyone's advice to focus on myself. Make myself the best person I can. It means so much to have people to communicate with and be able to tell this embarrassing stuff. If I told anyone I know in my real life they would see me as a weak loser. thanks everyone


P.S. It's funny, I was so excited to get away this week to Chicago, and now since I know how she really feels I don't want to go. I don't know how to get the thoughts and feelings to go away.

sugarbear1

There's a book "Came to Believe" from AA.

Anna

Try to remember that your thoughts and feelings don't control you. Learning this was a huge eye-opener for me. I had believed I was at the mercy of every emotion I felt. It was a huge step for me to know that I could feel something, acknowledge it for what it was (not deny it) and let it go.

JoeCree

Yes I believe marriage should be for ever, unless you are physically and/or mentally abusive. If this is not the case, then your wife is being incredibly selfish and immature to throw this on you right now, assuming you are serious about getting sober.

22 is not that young, and 27 to be married is plenty time to make an adult decision. I'd stop trying to re-court her, concentrate on yourself to make yourself better, and address the issues as they come along. Society has made it too easy to simply give up on things, however i would think marriage counseling is a definite must and next-step for your relationship - there may be several things underlying that haven't been mentioned by her that will shed light on the situation and allow you to deal with it in a mature and calm manner.

good luck.

Dee74

Hi JD

Great advice here already. I agree with every one else that we can't control other people or their reactions.

I know it's hard - it may even seem counter-productive - but I recommend you try and focus on working on your recovery...without recovery you're likely to lose everything anyway.

D

MemphisBlues

I used to drink and drug at everyone who upset me. It only got me stoned or drunk, and did nothing to those who I was drinking or drugging over.

I tried to get sober a decade ago to save a marriage. I didn't get sober and the marriage fell apart because of it.

I only have been able to maintain sobriety when I realized I had to do it for myself.

Yes, I know that pain of someone you love not loving you. It's like a gut punch, or a kick between the legs. But there's simply nothing to be done about it. When I realized that a few ice ages ago, it was a grand excuse to use.

And that didn't work, either.

So you really need to think clearly about all the advice here. If I recall your other posts correctly, you are like many of us who used to dull emotions. Now you are experiencing emotions that are the toughest in the world, all the feelings of rejection.

Now is the time to focus on you. Someone told me that she is always amazed that people in recovery always reject the healthy choice as something selfish, but when they were using they were the most selfish people in the world. You have to choose the best path, which is sobriety. Using now would only show your wife that she is right to be thinking she should move on.

We grow through pain, and pain is the only feeling that a true addict really understands.

Threshold

Jd,

I hope she will agree to counseling, then at least you will know that both of you did what you could and if things don't work out, you will have some insight into why.

I totally feel for you, In early recovery my husband of 25 yrs said he wanted to divorce me, and didn't care to discuss it, and was not interested in marital counseling. I was 2000 miles from home and was told he preferred I not come back.

Here is what it boils down to. Would being doped up and drunk make this situation any better? NOT. So, I stay in recovery. It truly would be no easier, no less painful, no less anything if I was wasted. That is what I am learning in recovery, it's EASIER to live sober, just takes awhile to get the hang of it. Fear of being sober is worse than actually being sober.

Jdkarlson

The thing I love most about this forum is that all these other people who I don't know, have been through things as tough as me, and they've survived. I think focusing on my recovery actually makes sense, since it takes the pressure off of her. Without my addiction, I am going to be so awesome---I can't wait! I feel so psyched right now....if she doesn't want to wait for me and can't let go of the past, thats her deal. To be honest, I've always felt like I've deserved someone willing to meet me halfway, instead of me doing 90% to make up for my addiction. Maybe it's better to ge healthy, get my life I order, and then find someone knew who will appreciate me like I'll appreciate them. I drove to Chicago tonight and spoke with one of my old girlfriends who is in recovery, and just passed her three year sobriety anniversary and she sounded so great. The crap she has been through seems like the same things I had been through. She told me that I may think I'm unique, but there's lots of people who've been in the same hellhole and found a way out...then she said, before you blow your 11 days without dope, find a meeting, and get a sponsor...seems like good advice

simplyfab

The day I knew I was done being a drunk alcoholic, it was like a light switch had gone off in my head. Not only did I accept that I'd never drink again, I was totally ok with it. Not drinking became the easiest choice to make.

3 weeks ago one morning, I was 10 months sober and looking foward to hitting my first sober birthday.
That same night, I was drunk and didn't want to stop.
My SO of 7 yrs, with whom I live with and have a child with and raised my son since age 2, was texting a co-worker, and it wasn't about work.
I was devestated. It's crazy how your body works and reacts, but you really do feel physical pain. That, on top of everything my mind was thinking and the emotional wreck I was in, I went back to the only thing I knew, numbing the pain.
I drank for 3 days straight..finally snapped out of it and was filled with nothing but guilt and regret. I was so disappointed in myself for relapsing that the betrayal wasn't even as important to me anymore.
Another member in chat asked me, "you relapsed for a cheating boyfriend?". And that pretty much summed it up for me. Even with me already knowing it was a stupid mistake, it still put things in perspective for me. I had allowed myself to take the 'easy' way out instead of letting myself feel all emotions and start healing properly. I turned the light within myself off and crawled back into that old dark whole. And for what? Him? Pfft! Bes believe that's not happening again. Ever! Nobody is worth turning my light off for.
I'm using this relapse as a learning experience. It was one of many, but definitely the loudest, red flags showing me that I need to focus on not just being sober, but truly start recovering. Members here have sweetly drilled in my head to forgive myself for the relapse and move foward and I'm doing so.

I know I'm a bit off topic, but my encouragement for you is, no matter how hard it gets, because it does come in waves...one hour your feeling so sure of yourself and know you're gonna be alright, and the next you're angry, hurt and nit picking at every detail in your relationship...don't shut your light (recovery) off for anybody. In this crazy thing we call life, it's one of the few things we can control. You can't control her or her feelings any more than you can control the weather. What you do have control over is how you handle the situation for yourself and deal with your emotions with a clear head. It's the only way to heal. If not, you're gonna look up one day yrs from now still bitter over a relationship that ended yrs ago.
Your ex gave you some really good advice, as well as all the other members who posted.
I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I wish you strength and allowance with whatever the outcome of your situation may be.

And just a little 'FYI'..there's this song that has pretty much become my anthem these past few weeks. It's called Better In Time by Leona Lewis. I love it! It's a total 'chick' song, but it's pretty much what anybody who's going through a break-up/broken heart should tell themselves.

musicman66

Great stuff here guys...."Nobody is worth turning my light off for. " - Love that....I know that pain of losing someone you love to you addictions....and the pain is very real..probably the hardest thing I have ever had to go through while staying in recovery at the same time...In a strange way though - it is empowering...Still sucks, but if you are committed to it, it becomes empowering...Call that a higher power or whatever....seems like we all have it in us in one way or another, we just have to find it again. Somewhere along the way we turned that light that Fab was talking about off, and now we have to find a way to turn it back on again. Part of doing that is feeling all of that pain and learning to live with it. The time to numb it all away is over.....time to feel - good and bad....

I hope it works out for you. I think counseling would be a great idea. But the most important thing is to take care of yourself. Taking care of yourself will make you a better husband, friend, coworker, and anything else that you choose to do. If she doesn't see that and feel for you like she did after you commit to yourself, then it will be time to go through some more pain...and you will...and you will do it clean...and you will come out in the end a better person for all of it....

Fenris

Something a counselor once said that stuck with me about using/drinking because of how someone else has made us feel: "It's like me taking poison and waiting for it to kill you."