Hawkline

I've read these forums for quite a while. I see a lot of stories that are similar to mine, and a lot that are very different. It's hard for me to share things with others because I'm very shy, but I'm going to try my best here. Most of the people here seem like kind souls, so I'm going to step out a bit.

I've had an on-and-off relationship with alcohol since I lived in the freshman dorm in college (I'm in my 30s.) I've never gotten in any major trouble as a result of my drinking, and I've never blacked out, but I'm not a "high-functioning alcoholic." I've always been employed, but I've always had terrible, low-paying jobs. And I don't have much of a social life. In my first failed attempt at long-term sobriety last year, I quit hanging out with my drinking buddies, but all my friends were drinking buddies. Now I'm totally alone.

I was happy until about four years ago, when a bunch of stressful changes happened in my life all at once. That's when my drinking changed from houseparties and beers with the guys to drinking alone. I never really noticed what a mess my life had become because I've always been blinded by drunkenness or the novelty of short-term sobriety. Maybe I'm being pessimistic, but my life looks pretty bleak right now. I went back to school and I'm trying to start a career, but it's really hard with a past like mine. I need two hands to count the number of times I've been fired, and I need no hands to count the number of times I've been promoted.

I want to try this sobriety thing again because I feel better physically when I don't drink. I had done well for a long time and didn't drink for months, but I totally binged my way through last weekend. I look awful and I feel awful as a result. I don't have that "pink cloud" so many people talk about when they get sober, and all I see ahead is an endless, difficult struggle get around my past and move on.

Is there a light at the end of this tunnel? I know this is a newcomer forum, but I'm hoping some of you have similar experiences and somehow managed to put together a life you're happy with, even if it happened really slowly. If so, I would love to hear your stories.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Yours truly,
Hawkline

ACT10Npack

Good to see your reaching out for help. I just finish my first day of sobriety. I suffer with depression and my shyness always sets me back. I only been drinking for about 4 years and the last 2 has not gone well at all. My drinking went to one drunken night a week to 4 days of binge drinking. It really gets harder to more you don't help yourself. Which is why I'm going to try AA again.

I can go on for months at time without drinking but when I do it goes out of control. To the point that I was meeting straighter to get drunk with. I was unable to get alcohol at my place because I was unable to drive to the store, so I would use craigslist to meet people.

I would have to get drunk at the time do something stupid like that. I'm lucky I didn't get killed. It was when I decide yesterday, that I need to take it serious and get outside help. I was not motivated to to do any program on my own. That was because when I sober up, I would feel better and put everything behind me.

I was somewhat happy being sober but I was going through the motion and just ended up back where I was. Hungover, more depress and putting myself in danger.

So right now, I'm sobering up on 26 hours since my last drink and will be heading to an AA soon. I got to do something and stop kicking around with myself. Need to look real hard at myself and decide do I want to live myself again or die like this.

I'm going to choose life. If AA does not work for me then I will try something else but I need to get into something now. Better later then never.

Welcome to SR! Hope you pick life.

Hawkline

Hi, ACT10Npack. Thank you for responding so quickly. A lot of what you said sounds very familiar... months of sobriety, then one huge binge. I've never been diagnosed with depression, so I can't claim it, but I do feel it's very hard to escape the darkness. I'm glad no harm came to you when you were contacting people on Craigslist. Most people are good and mean no harm to anyone, but you never know for certain.

I hope we can both get through this, too. It's a bumpy road, but I wish you nothing but the absolute best.

ACT10Npack

Hawkline do you have a recovery plain? If your like me then you will need a solid plain and stick to it. No buts! The only rock bottom I will get is death and I don't want to hit that.

Hawkline

I don't, but good habits have to replace the bad ones if I want it to last. There are activities that make me happy and help me cope with reality, so that's where I'll have to start.

ACT10Npack

I was the same way myself. I would do good activities and stay away from the bad ones. The problem with myself is that if I don't get into some regular recovery plan like going to some type of meeting then I will slip back to the same bad habits like before.

It's a reminder that I need help even if I'm not drinking for sometime. Keeps me out of trouble and I can find good people who are going through the same problem.

SSIL75

Hi Hawkline! Sorry you find yourself in a bleak place. Would you consider rehab? A comprehensive plan of physical detox and life skills building might help you a lot!

least

Welcome to the family. you'll find a lot of support here.

Hevyn

Hi Hawkline! It's great to see you here. I'm shy, too - but I found I could really open up on here, and everyone understood. You're not alone anymore - you have people who really get you.

I'm glad you are taking action and reclaiming your life. Alcohol only seems like an answer - it actually sucks the joy & hope right out of us. We're better able to cope when we're clearheaded and face things head on. I didn't choose to do that until I was much older, so you are way ahead of me. You can have a whole new life, one not ruled by alcohol. Keep talking to us - we care about you.

twilli59

Welcome, Hawkline. You've made a good start by opening a line of communication. Next, maybe pay close attention to what your mind/body say to you the next time you want to drink. See if you can put it off for a day. Be honest with what you discover - the level of control you have. Then, maybe explore the recovery programs that are out there - search online or use this forum. You'll gravitate toward one or the other if you're ready to quit. Please remember: we have all been where you are - on the inside, emotions & thoughts - so don't let differences in exterior situations dissuade you. Focus on the hope you see in others - that's where it all starts!