Don't worry about the A word horsekisses, not right now.
Don't worry about the whys either - I think actions far more important right now.
Your drinking is obviously something you're not happy about, it's something you can't stop, it's something that makes you isolate and it's something you're ashamed of and want to hide...
that's more than enough reason to want to do something about it
Stick with us this week - read around and post - maybe start formulating a plan for next weekend now?
You can do this