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Old 10-11-2011, 08:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Hi - I am starting again


Hello.. I need help. Drinking has me firmly by the tail. I'm 42 and have been an alcoholic for about 15 years. I still have my husband and a good job, home. I've functioned for that long, and yet know that I have not achieved anywhere near my potential with respect to happiness, self-esteem, life experiences.
The last few months I have gone downhill very quickly. Physically I feel very ill although my liver and kidney tests don't indicate any damage - I know that doesn't always mean anything. But one thing has changed - I have a plan to end my life, I know how and where I would do it, and it consumes me. I can't stand living like this, pretending to be content with life while there is a dreadful aching hole in me that I try to fill with alcohol and food, only to abuse myself and say horrible things to people.
I always thought, oh, I will quit when I am ready and then I can get my life back on track, find out what I enjoy doing, etc. I started planning my death because I now seriously doubt that I will ever be able to do that, and this way of life is very painful. I dread nights filled with nameless terrors, days counting the minutes, all the time the awful knowledge of what I am and what I hide from everyone, and the knowledge that I cannot change... and that the only thing I want/love is going to kill me.

I have joined SR to try again.

Jeannie
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Old 10-11-2011, 09:49 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR. You are in the right place. I'm only 2 months sober so I hope some of the old timers come on with words of wisdom and encouragement. But I did feel just like you did. I just could not live the way I was living but couldn't imagine living without alcohol either. I knew I couldn't die, I have kids who count on me, so my only other option was to traipse into the unknown and change my life completely. I had to give it a chance. I'm already so happy I did. It is possible to do but I can't do it alone. I have this forum, as well as AA. My sobriety is my priority. You don't have to do this alone. We are here and we care about you. You can do this!
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Old 10-11-2011, 10:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi Jeannie and welcome to the forum -

First, I want you to know that you're not alone. There are so many others suffering from the same disease and you're right: it is a tortuous existence. I tried for years to control it and couldn't, making promises in the morning to quit and breaking them by late afternoon.

Alcohol will take you to the place where you give up on yourself and your life. I can so relate to the depression and anxiety you feel - I was there, too.

Please know that you can't do this alone (as Eliasson said), but you CAN do it. I was terrified to quit, but my fears turned out to be unfounded. I stayed sober one minute, one hour, one day at a time and today (amazingly) I love life again. You made a huge step today by reaching out. The best next step is getting help to detox. Don't listen to your fear - things really will get better.......:ghug3
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Old 10-11-2011, 11:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
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You are doing a very smart thing by joining sr. Just to let you know.. I completely respect you for realizing you have a problem. That truly is the first step. Alcohol can do anything to you. It's like a little demon. It causes depression, anxiety, and a lot more. You are doing the right thing by wanting to stop. Your mind will start to clear and your depression will slowly go away. If your anything like me, I've done a lot of stupid things and pissed alot of people off when I was drunk. I don't want to keep waking up and apologizing to people. It's a horrible feeling. The only way for me was to get sober. That way I don't have to worry about doing that any more. I can just be happy and people won't have a reason to not like me.

Just try to stay positive and know that no matter what people on here will have your back and we will continue to support you through out your struggle as well as our own.
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Old 10-11-2011, 02:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome to the family, Jeannie. I know alcohol has you in it's clutches - but this can definitely change. You don't have to resign yourself to a miserable existence. I stopped after a lifetime of abusing alcohol - and I'm heading towards 4 yrs. sober. I never thought I could live a day without it, but because I joined SR I was given hope and courage to face the future. I was so thankful to not be alone anymore - everyone here understood what I was going through.

It took me a long time to admit that drinking was no longer fun or a vacation from reality, the way it once had been. The comfort I found in a few drinks wasn't there for me any more - even though I increased the amounts I drank and stayed numb all day & night. It was hell - but you can rise up out of it like many of us have. It's great to have you here - please keep posting and sharing your feelings.
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Old 10-11-2011, 03:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Welcome to the family. :ghug3 A decent sober life (that you want to continue, not end) is possible. You must put down the bottle and learn to live without it. It's not easy but it is possible. If you don't have the strength yourself, get help, whether it be AA or another program, counseling, whatever support you can find and hold on to.

It can be done tho, I'm proof of that. I thought I was hopeless and wanted to die (before I drank myself to death). But with the support of the good people here, and my addiction counselor, I didn't give up on myself. I kept trying and I finally succeeded. I'm coming up on two years sober this winter, but when I came here looking for help I was a real train wreck.


You can do it too. We'll give you all the support we can and will be rooting for you to succeed. Please give yourself a good chance to turn things around. Don't give up on yourself/your life. You're worth the effort. Don't give up. Stick around and let us help you learn to stay sober.
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Old 10-11-2011, 03:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Jeannie

I never thought I could do it either - I'd try and try again...for 15 years.
The trouble was I just trying the same things over and over.

SR really tipped the balance for me - I realised I wasn;t alone, and that by reacjhing out I not only found support but ideas about what to do from here.

It really is possible to change your life - if I can do it anyone can.

If you're having feelings of self-harm, I really hope you'll take the time to read some of the stuff in these links - it's important to reach out in this respect too

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

I've had the most amazing 4 and a half years, living free and sober.
I so nearly made the choice not to be here. I would have missed so much.

you're among friends here Jeannie - you're not alone
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Old 10-11-2011, 03:51 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome!

You really are not alone with your feelings. When we are enslaved by alcohol, there is nothing else in our lives and we know that. Despair is what we feel. But, you can stop drinking and have the life you want. Many of us have succeeded and are living lives we didn't know were possible.
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Old 10-11-2011, 03:59 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi Jeannie,

I have been binge drinking for 30 years and know the misery of which you are speaking. You can change and you just did by posting to this web site for support. I am only on day 16 of sobriety, but I have found the love, courage and support to be a powerful tool in helping me each day. There is hope. We are all here to support you.
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Old 10-11-2011, 05:37 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Oh my gosh, I can't believe the wonderfully supportive responses, and the feeling of maybe I am NOT alone!! Thank you all so much. Winding down here from Day 1 - took good care of myself today with a slow yoga class. I'll write more tomorrow. Thanks to everyone! It's so great to read that there is hope. As the years go by it starts to fade. Maybe it is not too late.

Goodnight,
Jeannie
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Old 10-11-2011, 05:56 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Welcome home!

Please search: aa toronto canada

Best wishes!
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Old 10-11-2011, 06:09 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Hi, Jeannie
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote in your post. I too have a pretty good life that still could be better and is likely hampered by my etoh usage, and I've had the whole I'll quit whenever mentality for a while. I truly believe quitting and along with that, achieving a better life, is possible. Stopping drinking will probably be huge in making you feel better. But, I too am concerned about the suicidal thoughts. If you don't already, maybe getting a mental health provider would be a good idea. Anyway, just a thought.
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