13th step
 

I don't know much about the 13th step. I just recently started going to meetings, although I been clean for a little over 0ne year, I haven't started working to steps..... . I only heard about the 13th step because a friend of mine met her Boyfriend in the meetings, and he just recently passed away, and people say it had something to do with the 13th step? In the pass few weeks a few of the remembers have ask my brother who also attents, questions about my relationship status. How toxic is it to my recovery to get involved with another aa/na member? I hope this makes sense.

I'm currently dating someone who is also in AA and it's fine for us. I imagine it's different for everyone. Personally, I feel like as long as you work your program and keep your sobriety first, you'll be fine. Make sure you work your own program and don't make the other person your higher power.

Congrats on a year!

The term, 13 stepping, is used as a euphemism for inappropriate sexual advances by a member to a newcomer in AA (such as sponsors toward sponsees).

Paperdolls thank you! Thats what I thought it met, but people are using the term when referring to two people in aa/na who are dating. I am starting to think its more of whats in one's heart and mind as to if people in aa na should date???

but i also don't feel its right to use a meeting as a place to find a partner?

I know quite a few people who've met, dated, married people they've met in AA/NA, (including my sponsor and his wife) and personally, I don't see anything wrong with that. The problem is when what PaperDolls described happens -- people preying on the vulnerable newcomers, or using meetings as a dating pool -- basically anything that puts their recovery or (especially) someone else's recovery at risk. The last thing someone new to recovery needs is to further complicate their lives by mixing romance and recovery. "No major changes for a year", they say. Plus, there's the discomfort of a break up or divorce with another member (kinda like dating a coworker), and the fact that it's usually recommended that you not attend meetings with your significant other for a variety of reasons.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's a not-so-great idea to look for love in AA/NA, especially in your early days and months, but if it finds you later on, go with it. Carefully.

--Fenris.

IMHO, using the term 13th stepping to describe dating between people who meet in AA/NA (which is not in and of itself a problem) minimizes the real issue, which is when people use their status as oldtimers or sponsors to get dates or sex from vulnerable newcomers. I've witnessed some really tragic results from 13th stepping and think it is a terrible abuse of power which should not be discounted or minimized in any way.

thank you onlythe truth for bringing up what it is really about which is abuse of power!

the 13 step is about people who have power using it to manipulate those with less power (real or immagined).

I know people who came to aa with a spouse or significant other of a fairly short term time...and they got through it, stayed to gether and went on to a great life...same with people meeting in the first few weeks...sometimes and older member and a younger memeber (sobriety wise).

The point is do they use there status as an "old timer" to take advantage of an newcommer? This can happen in sponsorship as well, between two people with no sexual envolvement....The sponsor who says you have to mow their lawn to show you are getting "outside of self" is just as guilty of 13 stepping as the member who uses thier sobriety to get you in bed.

This can all be a bit confusing for a newcommer, wich is exactly why it on the back of the older members to watch themselves and their egos and talk with other long time members to be sure they are not (sometimes without intending to) taking advantage of a newcommer.

I went out with a member with 5 years when I had 6 months. People called it 13th stepping, but it actually was great...he made his move and accepted my "no" .... It was great actually, no one had ever accepted a no from me before!!!! I know it doesn't always turn out that way...but I figure it happened how it did for a reason for me.

I agree completely. Any time a veteran member uses his or her program status to take advantage of someone more vulnerable, it is wrong--whether the advantage taken is sexual, financial, emotional, spiritual, or anything else.

This is not to say that the mere act of dating, doing business with, being friends with, or forming spiritual connections with others is wrong. Of course not. People are going to meet and form connections with each other in life. Where it crosses the line is where there is a power differential (Longtimer-Newcomer, Sponsor-Sponsee) and the person with the power uses that power to take advantage.

Thanks for clearing this up for me! I also have another off topic question... How do I go about getting a sponser? and start working the steps??? I am new too aa/na but I do have a little over one year clean, Yay! I got my one year coin last week! I still want to work these steps. I want to do everything i can the remain sober.

IMO the best place to find a sponsor is at a "Big Book" meeting. Most of these meetings in my area have the chair person make an announcement, such as,

"Will those willing to sponsor please raise their hands".

After the meeting you can approach one of them and ask for additional advice.

The last meeting of the month here (I go to several groups) is a speaker's meeting. I attended a number of them until I heard one guy tell a story that was very similar to mine. He experience with early drinking, career successes and failures..many other things.

One evening I approached him and just said, I need someone to help me work the steps and need a new sponsor. He just said "would you like me to be your sponsor?" And that was that. He's a great guy, long sobriety, great advice, good listener.

Good luck with that - I thinks it helps to listen to a lot of different people and try to find one you can identify most with their story.

I hope it works. The steps are awesome.

In my area, that seems to happen at "Beginners Meetings".

Here is an excellent pamphlet from AA in PDF format that answers questions about what a sponsor is and what to consider:
http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf

Hope that helps, God speed on your steps and sponsor choice.

thanks again... So I found out that, 13th stepping is what this guy was trying to do, and it didnt work. But I haven't went back to a meeting since :( which I miss.. I talked to my parole officer about not going and he told me I don't have to if I felt unconforable.. I hate that my town is so small that there are only a few meeting and this guy hits them all up... sigh.

Don't let some aggressive guy keep you from AA. Tell him to get lost. You might also talk to some of the other women about how they would handle it.

I am a very introverted person, I have major problems speaking up about anything.. ( I am trying hard to work through that) That was my first reason for using drugs I could say whatever and talk to whoever . The women at these meeting are all friendly with this guy.. and i dont talk to many of them.. I talked to a friend I used with, who also goes and she said something to another person and they called me a lair..