I drank yesterday
 

Today is 50 days for me, with the exception of yesterday......I haven't felt an overwhelming urge to drink, and I have been avoiding social situations where alchohol is the "main event", however yesterday I went to Oktoberfest and I drank a few beers. I allowed my thoughts about being the only one not drinking and feeling like I was not joing in the fun make it ok to go for it. I didn't allow myself to fall into the trap of hating myself and feeling guilty about it. I woke up this morning and decided to put it behind me and take note of why it happened. Then later in the day I had an upsetting conversation about my relationship with my bf and I immediately thought to myself "why don't you p/u a bottle of wine and a pack of smokes and relax, you deserve it" etc. etc....i was definitely going to do it, and I came to my senses. I was in tears in the car because I couldn't believe how easy it would be for me to fall right back into the old routine, and the unhappy me. I left the grocery store and drove right past the liquor store and came home. I'm so glad I did. I know that I need to draw some definite lines about what I will and will not do as far as social situations are concerned. In retrospect Oktoberfest is not a good place for me right now. Lesson learned. Anyway I am so grateful tonight. BTW, I do not consider this day one. It's day 50 for me, with one more opportunity for growth. Thanks for reading.....

Congrats on not letting this get out of hand.

Maybe starting back to Day one would be detrimental to your recovery. I don't know. It's your recovery. But I would to caution you, if you can convince yourself that this wasn't a relapse, that you can continue to count "sober" days, what is to stop you from convincing yourself to drink again?

Good luck.

doggonecarl, thanks for your comments, and i hear what your saying. i don't look at it as a relapse, but a choice that i made to drink, and i fully acknowlege that. i know that once i made that choice yesterday it made it that much easier for me to make that choice today once again.....and then the cycle continues. i know that i put myself in an uncomfortable position, one that made me feel insecure about being "different". i learned something yesterday, and that's a good thing. i have found that for me personally guilt and negativity are not good motivators, and this is why i choose to look at it as an opportunity for growth. i'm not even sure i like the idea of counting days sober as it puts too much emphasis on the past and the future....(how many days do i have....and how many more will i have??) it eliminates the present moment and the day were living right now. thanks again for your input..

Peaceful, I like your attitude! Best wishes.

Peaceful...I think you have a great outlook on this. Everyone is different, and for some, myself included, starting back at day one and beating yourself up over it will only make you keep drinking. For me, having a few beers, compared to the bottle (s) of wine I would drink, is different, and at least you stopped. I know everyone may not agree, but I think looking at it as a learning experience is positive, and if it keeps you from drinking again, then who can say it's wrong? On to day 51 for you!

Myself being a recovering alcoholic, I've noticed trends in my thought patterns and posts like this that in the past led to a few relapses.

We alcoholics over analyze every single situation we could be in that involves drinking. "Will I fit in if I don't drink?" "Will people think I'm a loser or weird if I'm not drinking with them?" "I'll just have a few"
This in turn never is this case. We never fit in when we drink, or at least the day we decide to "have a few" progressively turns back into our usual blackouts.
You do fit in if you don't drink. We alcoholics always fail to remember that normal, responsible drinkers don't look at alcohol as the way to "fit in". Fitting in with to them is having a conversation, having fun, laughing. Alcohol is not the main centerpiece to their thought patterns, it's not even a thought to them.
They don't care or notice that you aren't drinking, what they care about is the kind of person you are, what you do for a living, what personal qualities you bring to the table.

The normal drinker will go to a social gathering, have a drink or two, have fun and leave, the last thing they noticed is if so-and-so wasn't having a beer. Whereas we alcoholics are left in the dust after a relapse because we were too concerned with the falsified perception that "fitting in" could only be done if we had a drink.

PS: Yeah, it probably wasn't a good idea to go to Oktoberfest

peaceful - Glad you didn't continue on with a long binge (I probably would have). You are now even more determined to stick to your goal. Good that you came here to tell about it.

Peaceful 1,

Sorry you relapsed and you are right not to beat yourself over the head about it. Good for you for thinking it through and not going into the liquor store.

On a lighter note, I could not imagine going to a beer festival if I wasn't going to drink beer.
Having never been to a beer festival without drinking beer what else is there to do?
All the best

CaiHong

Bark4,

Thanks for your post. I wasn't implying that anyone else was responsible for making me feel out of place. I know I'm not the center of everyone's universe. My thoughts about it were what caused me to feel out of place. I chose to have a few beers and the experience gave me some insight as to how I can handle similar situations that may arise in the future. I stated from the beginning of this journey of mine that perfection is not the goal. I'm not perfect, never will be........I am learning so much though about myself and I'm ok with what is, because it already is....so why fight it?