Is there such a thing as a "high-functioning addict"?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: OHIO
Posts: 43
Aegian, I definitely like your approach and your thoughts regarding making the best choice for oneself is the key to success. Doing it for someone else won't. I guess what's driving besides not losing my wife is the thought that there is a pattern to this behavior which doesn't lead anywhere good. As I've said before, I'm not so special or deluded to think that I'm going to be able to get away with using as much as I have for as long as I have and something not going wrong. The thing that gets me about m addiction is: I hate to be alone, but when I do my TRUE drug of choice coke, that's all I want to be is alone with the coke, a needle, and a contact lens case. The problem is, when the drug wears off and I feel terrible about letting my wife down and want her to comfort me, she's so mad that she leaves me to suffer for the next 12 hours while I recoup. With heroin, I'm not in love with the feeling and the rush is no where near as pleasurable as a coke rush, but I have an I illusory feeling of control in that I don't worry about anything and I have this incredible motivation to get stuff done. Place coke in front of me and I am powerless. Put heroin in front, and as long as I'm detoxed and on sub, I can leave it. There's not this crazy out of control feeling. What worries me is that I used to be in control of coke, and I assume of I lean on heroin too long, I will lose control of it. Also, I'm getting too old for this crap. If I ever want to have a child, I would have to be all here, not one foot in the Elysian fields....anyway, thanks for reading my rude thoughts about recovery. I do want it, I'm just working the selfish, ego based, childish thoughts out in posts. To enlightment and sugar bear, I apologize for the schizoid posts....haven't you ever felt divided Amongst yourself. I know if I keep using I will lose everything, and yet knowing it feels like being some kind of Cassandra: knowing what's going to happen and unable to stop it. That's what scares me. Thanks to all for putting up with me!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: OHIO
Posts: 43
Sugar bear,
My D.O.C. Is coke. I use heroin and I don't feel a need to use coke. I have been off heroin and everything except suboxone since my last shot: 4 o'clock on Friday, September 30th. Btw, suboxone doctors are rip-off artists. I detoxed to sub Te first time after a five month run on iv dilaudid. The con artist doctor charged me $750 to initiate and then. $125 per visit for a few pills. It was more expensive to get "subbed" through the establishment than to stay high! Now, I just score sub on the street. I know to wait until I can't stand the withdrawal and take the sub. Take it too soon and the sub knocks the heroin off the mu receptor and your life sucks. People erroneously think it's the naloxoe, but it's not. I've shot sub before and the naloxone doesn't do anything. Anyway, I'm down to a 2 mills a day on the sub. I find the lower the dose, the more opiate like it feels. I want to work my way all the way off though, because if you stay on sub too long it makes for a hellish, drawn out withdrawal. Anyway, I'm sorry I'm coming off like an egostistical a$$ in my posts. I'm really actually a very nice person; you'd never suspect in a million years that I've been an addict for twenty years---maybe if you saw the crook of my arm, but besides that I look like a normal person ( I bathe and have a nice set of white teeth!) Thanks for your contributions---I'll take them with salt!
My D.O.C. Is coke. I use heroin and I don't feel a need to use coke. I have been off heroin and everything except suboxone since my last shot: 4 o'clock on Friday, September 30th. Btw, suboxone doctors are rip-off artists. I detoxed to sub Te first time after a five month run on iv dilaudid. The con artist doctor charged me $750 to initiate and then. $125 per visit for a few pills. It was more expensive to get "subbed" through the establishment than to stay high! Now, I just score sub on the street. I know to wait until I can't stand the withdrawal and take the sub. Take it too soon and the sub knocks the heroin off the mu receptor and your life sucks. People erroneously think it's the naloxoe, but it's not. I've shot sub before and the naloxone doesn't do anything. Anyway, I'm down to a 2 mills a day on the sub. I find the lower the dose, the more opiate like it feels. I want to work my way all the way off though, because if you stay on sub too long it makes for a hellish, drawn out withdrawal. Anyway, I'm sorry I'm coming off like an egostistical a$$ in my posts. I'm really actually a very nice person; you'd never suspect in a million years that I've been an addict for twenty years---maybe if you saw the crook of my arm, but besides that I look like a normal person ( I bathe and have a nice set of white teeth!) Thanks for your contributions---I'll take them with salt!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Alcohol & heroin are both hard on the body. I used alcohol to get away from coke. Today, I have had only 2 alleve since I stopped all substances.
You can do it, too. Stop fighting it. We're rush junkies. Regardless of the substance. I'm only in competition with myself today. It's a beautiful day! (inside my skin)
You can do it, too. Stop fighting it. We're rush junkies. Regardless of the substance. I'm only in competition with myself today. It's a beautiful day! (inside my skin)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 174
JD,
Thats the beauty of a forum - having a place to soundboard all of the thoughts that are going through your head. Yeah, a lot of them may seem schitzophrenic at times, but thats the point. If they are bouncing all over the place in your mind, writing them down makes them more concrete where they can be processed more easily.
One thing just stuck out at me that I did want to ask you to think about:
Can you honestly say which it is - are you in control of the coke or powerless to it, and if you aren't sure - can you say the same today for H?
Thats the beauty of a forum - having a place to soundboard all of the thoughts that are going through your head. Yeah, a lot of them may seem schitzophrenic at times, but thats the point. If they are bouncing all over the place in your mind, writing them down makes them more concrete where they can be processed more easily.
One thing just stuck out at me that I did want to ask you to think about:
Place coke in front of me and I am powerless. Put heroin in front, and as long as I'm detoxed and on sub, I can leave it. There's not this crazy out of control feeling. What worries me is that I used to be in control of coke, and I assume of I lean on heroin too long, I will lose control of it.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Baby boy, we want you sober. It's simple, but not easy. We feel your pain, fear, anger, hurt. We're all at different stages of recovery. All we want is to reach out to you--trying as we are...
With love, compassion, & hugs, we're here for you!
With love, compassion, & hugs, we're here for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: OHIO
Posts: 43
I love this forum!
If meetings are as fun and cool as this forum I could definitely like it. The meetings I'd been to in the past were boring...maybe it just depends on the people you meet? I hate how that sounds...
Anyway, I'm really glad I found this place---aegian, sugar bear, sukiyaki, and everyone else---thank you for all of your support! I feel excited about doing something new and without having to fork over $135 a gram!
Anyway, I'm really glad I found this place---aegian, sugar bear, sukiyaki, and everyone else---thank you for all of your support! I feel excited about doing something new and without having to fork over $135 a gram!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Mostly it's our attitude that makes meetings suck.
I love the diversity of people today. Where else would a judge, fbi agent, lawyer, doctor, teacher, tv anchor, felon, theif, police officer, bus driver, government level 15, government secretary, trash collector, atf employee, dentist, accountant, homel#ss person and billionnaire meet to joke, laugh, and create an atmosphere of hope be found?
I love the diversity of people today. Where else would a judge, fbi agent, lawyer, doctor, teacher, tv anchor, felon, theif, police officer, bus driver, government level 15, government secretary, trash collector, atf employee, dentist, accountant, homel#ss person and billionnaire meet to joke, laugh, and create an atmosphere of hope be found?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 38
we are all more alike than we are different
Guess What??? we are more alike than we are different!!! =) So you use heroin to escape?? id use whatever was in front of me just to numb myself =)
I ALSO dont care for meetings on most days!!! yay, again..i can relate!! However its one of the many tools you will learn that can bring you great peace. You can also make many life long friends by checking out different meeting places. Its kind of important that you go there so you can find some support. You will learn that you are NEVER alone. Nobody likes to be alone. Its just human nature.
The program, if you work out, is actually a design for living. Congrats for being honest. Very important =)
btw because i am selfish i must say something about me lol.... i had a really rough weekend!!! but because i stayed sober through it..i believe it was actually a wonderful weekend full of growth!!
I ALSO dont care for meetings on most days!!! yay, again..i can relate!! However its one of the many tools you will learn that can bring you great peace. You can also make many life long friends by checking out different meeting places. Its kind of important that you go there so you can find some support. You will learn that you are NEVER alone. Nobody likes to be alone. Its just human nature.
The program, if you work out, is actually a design for living. Congrats for being honest. Very important =)
btw because i am selfish i must say something about me lol.... i had a really rough weekend!!! but because i stayed sober through it..i believe it was actually a wonderful weekend full of growth!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
Meetings aren't necessary as Aegian stated. There are many other ways to quit and you use what works for you. I rarely posted much here but even when I did I never felt betrayed.
The opinions from the recovering/recovered people give and state here, are from people who genuinely care, and genuinely want to share their story of success with others who currently struggle. Most advice is given from the perspective of the one giving it, and who better to compile information from those who were in the same boat? I certainly know I'm here because I still have a lot to learn, and I'm speaking to people who both understand and who aren't condescending. It does not mean that their recipe is YOUR recipe for success, but if you take a bunch of the parts and put them together in a way that works for you, all of a sudden you DO find your own recipe.
My worst was extremely low, due to years of being abused, and all sorts of crappy life circumstances, followed by abusing alcohol, so I felt ashamed to post here, and I was horribly out of touch with my feelings because, well, I never felt like I mattered to anyone after years of punishment. Despite all that I stuck around and read, even during times when I was completely annihilated.
I can happily say that once I had enough of the consequences, and through the strategies I learned on this site, one other website, a handful of books, healthy sleep, healthier food, a bit of exercise, and some natural non-drug supplements (amino acids), I've been feeling better than I have in years.
I have a lot of damage to undo, and a lot of catching up to do, and sure that does get me down, but it's okay because unless something truly unforseen happens, I am in the driver's seat now, not a poisonous bottle of alcohol that had done nothing but twist my brain in a negative way, and make me truly unlikable to anyone except other users.
For me personally, confronting my worst fears without alcohol were extremely painful, but I am finally through that.
The most important question you have to ask yourself is if you want control of the wheel again. The rest you will learn or will just fall into place over time. And I'd guess it's going to be quite bumpy at first, but I assure you things will get smoother than before.
For me, it hasn't been that long, but my life is already much more manageable and for that I am very thankful.
The opinions from the recovering/recovered people give and state here, are from people who genuinely care, and genuinely want to share their story of success with others who currently struggle. Most advice is given from the perspective of the one giving it, and who better to compile information from those who were in the same boat? I certainly know I'm here because I still have a lot to learn, and I'm speaking to people who both understand and who aren't condescending. It does not mean that their recipe is YOUR recipe for success, but if you take a bunch of the parts and put them together in a way that works for you, all of a sudden you DO find your own recipe.
My worst was extremely low, due to years of being abused, and all sorts of crappy life circumstances, followed by abusing alcohol, so I felt ashamed to post here, and I was horribly out of touch with my feelings because, well, I never felt like I mattered to anyone after years of punishment. Despite all that I stuck around and read, even during times when I was completely annihilated.
I can happily say that once I had enough of the consequences, and through the strategies I learned on this site, one other website, a handful of books, healthy sleep, healthier food, a bit of exercise, and some natural non-drug supplements (amino acids), I've been feeling better than I have in years.
I have a lot of damage to undo, and a lot of catching up to do, and sure that does get me down, but it's okay because unless something truly unforseen happens, I am in the driver's seat now, not a poisonous bottle of alcohol that had done nothing but twist my brain in a negative way, and make me truly unlikable to anyone except other users.
For me personally, confronting my worst fears without alcohol were extremely painful, but I am finally through that.
The most important question you have to ask yourself is if you want control of the wheel again. The rest you will learn or will just fall into place over time. And I'd guess it's going to be quite bumpy at first, but I assure you things will get smoother than before.
For me, it hasn't been that long, but my life is already much more manageable and for that I am very thankful.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
late to the party but one thing leapt out at me Jack
Fear kept me in addiction for a lot longer than I should have been - it took me losing everything I held dear and nearly dying before I faced the fear of change.
I'm glad I did.
The last 5 years or so have been magic for me - yeah, it takes a lot of effort but I really am happy and I really am free...no BS
If I can do it, you can too
D
I am afraid I won't be able to quit---christ, I'm 40 and have been using something or other since I was 18!
I'm glad I did.
The last 5 years or so have been magic for me - yeah, it takes a lot of effort but I really am happy and I really am free...no BS
If I can do it, you can too
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: new york
Posts: 34
I agree with Dee74...Fear is what kept me wrapped up in my addiction as well...the FEAR of living without my drug of choice...How would I face people, my problems, my job, my life? How could I go on living without my crutch...deal with issues, a bad day, the car breaking down..whatever happened, good or bad in my life, Id drink..It was to wash away the bad, or celebrate the good...So how could one possibly go without? After a while, I didnt need a reason...It became as natural to me, as waking up...getting dressed, and drinking...it gave me courage, strength, the source of life I thought I needed to get through my days....I swear if I was to have given blood, it would come out as pure alcohol..LOL.....I was a functioning person, except one thing....PEACE of mind...and TRUE happiness...the things that I did have in my life were only snip-its of what I thought was love, peace, tranquility..and all the things that everyone else had....It wasnt until I gave up the bottle, did I realize how far off kilter my mind, body and life really was...It was like starting over...it was smelling the flowers for the first time, hearing the birds sing,feeling the wind touch my face...the sun beating its warm rays upon my body..REALLY feeling the world around me..touching me, touching my heart, touching my soul...It was looking into the mirror, and actually seeing ME looking back...how many times have we looked into that mirror, and didnt reconize the reflection..those empty eyes? I have 19 yrs of sobriety in my pocket...fell once..got back up, and am cherishing every minute of MY life....not the life that some drug or drink decides to give me...MY LIFE...its my own..its mine......No one says its easy to stop...there is not one person in this site who will tell you that...its Freaking tough, its painful, its hard, its ugly.....its a struggle....but we will say...ITS WORTH IT!!! YOURE worth it...IM worth it...everyone in here is worth it.....and the rewards are beautiful, and endless.......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 18
There's an old saying that addiction enslaved us whether we're from Park Avenue or a park bench, or from Yale or Jail. Addiction is an incurable fatal progressive disease. Lots of successful people overdose, heroin is not FDA approved, no credible scientific human studies were done from "baggies" bought from the street corners that I am aware of. Glad you are here. Good question.
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