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Old 10-06-2011, 05:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Will I Just Die From It?...Oh...and Lonely No Less {Surprise!!!**


The whole surprise thing is that some of you know me by now...
Bayliss...here is her other attempt at quitting...
Bayliss...here is another party coming up...
Bayliss...here is another threat by her bf to leaving her...
Bayliss...she just needs another drink to cope with...work/life/boyfriend/parents/sister/cousins/family/animals/cooking/anything that's not stainless steel/the Leafs losing/the dumbass boss/wrong nail colour/hair won't go up right/etc.etc.etc....

I heard all of you when you asked me if I wanted to quit or not...
If I don't will you all leave me?
Obviously deep down I want to...I hate it, because I wouldn't be coming here EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I hate it.
I don't want to die from it. I feel ashamed of it.
But yet again, here I am with Mr. Red...
Life is stressful, but it always will be.
I love being sober...well, no, I lie...I don't love it...but it feels good the next morning...ONLY the next morning...for me..for now.
But the ONE moment...the one day...catches me...and I've spiralled...

I don't want to be 50 and go through this...
No...I don't want to be 40 and go through this...
No no no...I don't want to be 30....

I don't even want to be 26 and go through this...but that is the path that it is leading me in....

I just needed to vent.
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Old 10-06-2011, 05:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Bayliss,

I don't know you, but your post oozes with anxiety. And many times that is the glue that binds the alcohol to our systems. The logical step, if you really want to get yourself to a place that will allow you to stage an aggressive assault on your drinking, is to address the anxiety by visiting a doctor and spilling your guts (figuratively). Then perhaps a therapist of some sorts. Many of us have been there. Good luck.
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Old 10-06-2011, 05:38 PM   #3 (permalink)
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No, we won't leave you. Many people start here at SR before they completely quit drinking. We are a support group, and while you may not like to hear everything we have to say, it is said from a position of caring and concern.
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Old 10-06-2011, 05:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi bayliss - we'll always be here when you need support..... of course, that's all we can really do. The decision to get sober is up to you.

Unfortunately, most of us learn this lesson through pain. I just hope you don't take it much further. You deserve a better life. What other resources have you used, if any?

Prayers going out to you tonight....... :ghug3
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Old 10-06-2011, 05:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Bayliss,

Have you considered moving back in with your parents and asking them to keep the house alcohol-free for a few months until you get this under control?

Your BF may have been willing to look the other way while you drank at home, but parents don't usually want their children to die, and will do what needs to be done.
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Old 10-06-2011, 05:55 PM   #6 (permalink)
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It took me 15 years to work it all out and stop. If I can do it there's hope for everyone
I think you can do it in a heck of a lot shorter time than I did Bayliss.

For me the answer was reaching out...but thats only part of the solution...

to get anywhere I needed to be doing something for my recovery...and not just when I was craving....I needed to be ready for those rough moments long before they happened.

Think about what else you could do Bayliss

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Old 10-06-2011, 06:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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It's really kind of strange the differences between people and what it takes for them to recognize and begin to deal with a problem like alcohol or drug abuse. Some people can keep themselves convinced that they don't have a problem, or that they feel better when using and they are not hurting themselves or maybe that they are just not ready to quit and when the problem gets to a certain point then they will deal with it.

I know for me personally I had to let it run its course until I couldn't deny it was a problem any longer. I looked at myself in the mirror and think "I look like sh*t!" I've become one of the people I used to look at and think "how could they do that to themselves?".

It really made me feel better to get to the point where I admitted to myself that I had a drinking problem, and I had to do something about it! I am only two days without alcohol but I already feel happier somehow. I don't know how to explain it... but it is like I had to get to the point in which my head was in the right place and I was ready to start dealing with it. Nobody on the planet could have convinced me to quit and no one can make me successfully continue to not drink either... I know it is all up to me and I am ready for the challenge. I know or have known so many people who let it destroy their lives. I know people right now that I wish I could convince to stop and be able to help somehow because I see they are in a bad way, they know it to in their heart but don't want to admit it to the world.
Bayliss is you want to quit there are a lot of people ready, willing and able to help you with this. I want to quit to I can be proud of myself again. I lost a lot of self respect allowing myself to succumb to becoming and alcoholic. Surround yourself with people who you admire and want to emulate and it will happen.
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Old 10-06-2011, 06:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Bayliss,

I understand that you're not totally committed to stopping drinking right now, and please know that we are here to support you as you find your way.

What strikes me from your post is that I thought exactly like you are - if anything went wrong, or right, I needed a drink. How else could I cope? I honestly didn't believe I could. And, it wasn't until I was very sick from alcoholism that I realized that I HAD to find a way to cope. And, I did, and you can too.
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Old 10-06-2011, 08:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Love & hugs sent! Try not picking up for just one day...maybe find others in person? It will only get worse each time you pick up, do it now, you're worth it!
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Old 10-06-2011, 10:09 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Bayliss, we care for each other at SR because we all share that common bond.

I needed only six days sober to know that I had been wrong for a long time, thinking that lots of drinks would help me to cope with a bad situation. Soon I found out that drinking made it all worse in every way. It didn't take long at all to see this.

After six days sober, that bad situation was really not a big deal for me anymore because I could now see a way through it. Over the next month, I regained that confidence and motivation that I new I hadn't lost for good. I had to dry out so that my brain could make the decisions I needed to make.

So, I see it like this:
  1. Drinking makes everything worse
  2. You wll start to feel better in a matter of days
  3. Your defogged brain will be able to do its job.

So, back to my favorite question, Bayliss. At this moment, right now, what is your future plan for alcohol? Whenever it is when you make this plan, it will always be 'now', it will be in the present. So, you have to agree that 'now' has to be 'right now'. Now is good. Your very first thing you must do, is make that plan, and make it now.

So, what is your plan?
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Old 10-07-2011, 12:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I knew I was an alcoholic and had a problem for about 10 years before I even tried to stop. Took me ending up homeless, completely alone and mentally very unwell. I simply ran out of other options before I was ready.

But you can get off this elevator at any floor. Prayers you don't choose, like I did, to wait until the basement. Oh, and the basement has a soft floor and there's a shovel.
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Old 10-07-2011, 01:14 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Nothing changes if nothing changes (my new fav saying)

I wish I found SR when I was your age. Now I am 41 and literally starting my life over.

You can die from this. I almost did many times. I killed my best friend of 25 yrs in DUI accident. My dad died (ironically 1 yr to the day of accident) from liver failure from drinking at 66 yrs old.

We will not leave you! Don't give up on yourself!

Go to a meeting, see your doctor. Life is better than this, I promise.

Nothing changes if nothing changes!

Praying for you.
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Old 10-07-2011, 01:40 AM   #13 (permalink)
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In many ways the struggle is worse than the direct consequences of drinking. I hope you can resolve your torment.
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Old 10-07-2011, 04:16 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bayliss View Post
I don't want to die from it. I feel ashamed of it.
But yet again, here I am with Mr. Red...
Life is stressful, but it always will be.
I love being sober...well, no, I lie...I don't love it...but it feels good the next morning...ONLY the next morning...for me..for now.
Life isn't nearly so stressful now that I am no longer a raging alcoholic.

I was thinking of a question for you but you answered it yourself. For the longest time I wanted to stop being an alcoholic. Wanted to not die from it. But I didn't want to live without alcohol either!

I LOVED to drink and I didn't love not drinking. I couldn't sober up until I tipped that balance.
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Old 10-07-2011, 06:13 AM   #15 (permalink)
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you have fast forwarded through your life in your post....you've got to want the sobriety you talk about. You CAN do this, but you've got to commit to yourself first...and you will have these self-arguements (as we all did) until you really decide.

as an experienced drinker, i can only tell you that you will be more miserable and tormented the longer you fight with yourself.
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Old 10-07-2011, 06:35 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Bayliss, I've been reading your posts since I came to SR and I've seen how you've struggled. I can relate to it. Some people can set the bottle down, walk away and never look back. Some people can't. I haven't been able to. I hope I can this time, but who knows? Please keep in mind that you're not a bad person trying to get good...you're a sick person trying to get well. Just keep trying. We'll love you until you learn to love yourself.

--Fenris.
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Old 10-07-2011, 07:15 AM   #17 (permalink)
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One thing I know for sure about alcoholism, is that nothing changes until something changes. If you're one of those people, Bayliss, that can't quit when they honestly want to, this won't get magically better just by wishing for it. Action is required. Otherwise, expect your drinking and your life to get consistently worse.
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Old 10-07-2011, 02:20 PM   #18 (permalink)
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I am beyond grateful to be able to come here while struggling with this alcoholism issue. It definitely is frustrating...
I will read back on this time and time again.
I just want to first thank everyone for taking the time to reply to my post.

I want to quit drinking and I don't. The problem is that I wish I was one of those people that could just put the bottle down and walk away from it.
Obviously the one and only reason I have for not wanting to quit drinking is the way that it makes me feel. Not care about crap that happened during my day or anything...I know that unfortunately the next morning I feel guilty, crappy and just plain sad.
I get a high off knowing that I am going to get wine and that I am going to have that buzz...but obviously it gets to a point where I have had one too many and I just simply cannot stop when I know that I have reached that "point" and I just keep doing it until I black out.

But I also am so afraid that my relationship with my boyfriend is going to suffer from it. Obviously he told me I could never drink again - although we did have some wine over the weekend...but then he saw me with a glass of red last night and said "sad sad state you're in".
And I am drinking again right now. Does that mean that I love the booze more then I love my boyfriend.
No...I love my boyfriend beyond anything...
This disease is just killer...

I wish that I could reply to each individual post.
But I just want to mention...Terminally Unique...I can't go home...home is thousands of miles away and home is away from my boyfriend. If I left everything I have right now to live with my parents I would be depressed...and not because I would live with them because they are amazing, but because I would want my boyfriend by my side.
I would feel alone without him. I would constantly fret daily over what he would be doing...
I also think that it wouldn't be good for the relationship. First of all, what if he realized that he liked his life better without me? That would break my heard beyond anything...and not only that but am I not supposed to be able to do this on my own...to my own devices with the new life I have with me instead of going back home to Mommy and Daddy?
My parents live in the States...they have a corner store around the corner from their house.
That corner store sells Grey Goose, Jager, wine, rum, whiskey, etc, etc, etc...
I would eventually find a way to get the booze.

I try. My bf thinks that I don't. But when he condones the drinking during the weekend then during the week I think it's okay for me to have some...
The last argument we had about my drinking he said would be the last...so now instead I just hide my drinking and my addictive voice keeps telling me "it's better then hurting him...he loves you...you would break his heart...and you need to keep drinking to function...either hide it and have a good night, drink in front and get in a fight, or not drink at all and be miserable"...

I am trying guys...
I just wish there were some divine intervention.
Maybe I should go to a rehab type thing...
It's going to destroy my life and the lives around me.
I just hope that my flame gets snuffed out before I have the chance to hurt anyone else's heart...
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Old 10-07-2011, 02:44 PM   #19 (permalink)
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so what you are saying (without all the drama), is that nothing comes between you and your booze, you'll go to any lengths to keep drinking, you are now hiding and protecting it. Booze is the love of your life?
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Old 10-07-2011, 03:01 PM   #20 (permalink)
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nothing changes until something changes
Yea, that's what I was trying to say, thx keith.

GF...you don't sound like you want to stop. You and only you can make this choice.

You know there is a problem, get help. Go to a meeting, see your doctor and get assistance getting healed from this terrible disease.

Things are only going to get worse.
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