From college bound to homeless in a month? (long story)
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 6
From college bound to homeless in a month? (long story)
Hey guys,
Let me introduce myself and give a little background info before I jump into my problem.
I am a 22 year old guy from Michigan. I've had severe Social Anxiety (SA) since the 6th grade. I never made any friends, and by time I made it to high school, I would have panic attacks so bad, I would walk out of school in the mornings and go home. I dropped out when I was 16 due to this.
I am also one of those SA sufferers who are not introverted, or at least do not want to be, I always hated being alone and felt like I was always wasting my life away while everyone else lived theirs. I wanted to still have a great life, lots of friends, a meaning, and be comfortable in my own skin.
As a teenager I always managed to get jobs, maybe my anxiety wasn't as bad then, as it is now..
One of those jobs was at a grocery store, where I started stealing a 5th of liquor and eventualy became a alcoholic. I was accepted in with a group of school kids who partied alot. So I would only hang out with people when we were drinking.
As a teenager I managed to rack up four Minor In Possession's. I remember spending my 18th birthday sleeping on the floor of a holding cell with 20+ other people. I have been in and out for short amount's of time since. I even went through a 30 day in patient therapy program. Which still didn't help. It wasnt until a couple years ago that I discovered what Social Anxiety/Social Phobia was, and that is when I learned my reason for abuse.
By this time, I was already kicked out of my parents house and living on couch's. I was able to get a full time job and rent out my own very cheap one room apartment. But I still had no success with my anxiety. I could have periods of 2, 4, or even 6 or more months where I would be completely sober. But in that time, I would be uncomfortable in my own skin. I would avoid friends and family like the plaque, I would be lonely at my place wishing I was a social king. Eventually after these long periods of sobriety, I would finally cave in and start drinking again, and would become a social butterfly.
These stints would last anywhere from 2-6 weeks. Before I hit rock bottom and something bad happens.
During living in that apartment, I found alcohol didn't completely care my SA.. But something new to me would. Xanax. I ended up going on a couple week long binge that costed me my job, and inevitably my own place. I was 20 years old at the time, and had been on my own since 17. During that time, I had worked many jobs, and also sold drugs like marijuana to "party" friends of mine, to help pay bills.
It was at this moment, when I went completely broke, that my parents caved in and let me come home. I had truely believed that this was my moment of clarity, and the turning point in my life.. They believed so too..
I moved home just after turning 21, still on court ordered probation, I was determined to start a new life.. But Social Phobia quickly came back and I went right back to being a hermit. Sitting on my computer all day or watching TV. My Anxiety became severe to the point where searching for a job would give me panic attacks. And having spent many years feeling like a lab rat, on and off medications, I do not believe in the use of prescription drugs (but my mom does).
My dad to this day will still never understand me, he does not understand Social Phobia. He grew up a sociable, hard working man, and expected me to turn out the same way.
Under the constant pressure of my parents to find a job (bugging me everyday), I fell down again. (maybe another excuse?) After more than 8 months sober. I started taking xanax again, which I would order online without a prescription. Under the influence on Xanax, I started calling up the wrong crowd again and started selling drugs again to pay for things, and even lied to my parents about working.
I would start taking a couple mg's a day so I could muster up the courage to call old buddies and hang out. These so called "buddies" were, and are, nothing but party friends who are not true friends. I ended up going on a 7 day binge where I ran from home, stayed in a hotel with a couple friends, and blacked out on asorted drugs for the whole 7 day period.
At the end of the 7 day period while high off something (I believe MDMA), I realized I had made a big mistake. I contacted my parents telling them how sorry I am. And I came home the next morning.
I returned home, and became sober once again, but was still couldnt stop using xanax. Along with the courage it gave me to sell drugs. It wasn't long after the car purchase, the mall shopping spree's, when my parents searched my room and found the drugs and money.
I believe I packed my life up in 5 minutes and drove away. I stayed in a cheap motel for 25 days, scouring for any apartment complex that would take me in without proof of employment and a couple months rent up front.. That I finally found.
When kicked out of the house, I made the choice to go sober again. For me, drinking while severely depressed or in a tight spot, never helped. Funny how I would only make the choice to go sober when things seem at it's worst? Maybe this is my weak spot?
Anyways, As soon as I settled in, the panic began. I had made the choice to quit selling drugs when my parents kicked me out. It was something I was unable to do while sober. As the social anxiety would make me hide away from these people. And I had enough money saved up to pay for maybe half a years worth of rent? So I had pretty good security.
Of course what good is that money? What was I going to do when I run out? It is now October, after three months of sitting in my apartment alone, I have only been able to go on two job interviews, both of which did not call me back.
I have only one clean, good friend in the world, he was always there when I needed to spill out all my problems to someone, and he helped me out in times of trouble. As of today he has two kids and a very busy life. So the communication has been hard.
Because of this, I slowly stopped communicating with him over the past year. I've always felt bad about this, and a month ago I reached out to him, as a friend, to see how he was doing. So we started hanging out again and talking.
It was because of this that I had set the goal to keep job searching, and get myself enrolled into some college classes after finding a set job. He had inspired me, and made me realize that I maybe one day I can make more sober friends as well.
Well it didnt last long before the urges came on again. I went to a Custodial interview which turned out to be a bust, atleast 15 others sitting in the lobby waiting for the same interview.
I recently caved in and started meeting a old "friend" and a couple girls at the bar, all of whom I got in contact with off facebook. This time I didn't fall into a full binge, and I'm sure that's because I didn't have the time to.
One night, after leaving the bar, I got pulled over for driving with my brights on. I blew a .084, that is .004 over legal limit. I received a DUI charge.
This threw my mind into a whirl spin and for about a couple weeks I convinced myself I was going to run, leave the state, and some how start new.
About a week ago it happened again, I was contact about a party that was going on in a city 20 minutes from me. The only way I was able to do this, was buy chugging down a 6 pack before heading out to meet them. I got pulled over for not using my turn signal and received my second DUI.
This means I will face definite jail time, in fact I know I will because I am on warrants right now, I did not show for my first court date because I know I will lose my apartment. And while my family has completely let go of me, I know I will be homeless. And when I get sentenced for the second DUI I will lose my license for a year.
Now here comes the worst part. I am scared. My family never understood my Social Anxiety. My dad was always a hard working sociable man, so as soon as I started acting out I was kicked out of the house.
I am currently completely benzo/alcohol free and have been for a little while. The anxiety and depression hurts like hell. And knowing that soon I will have to turn myself in, do jail time (scary), and will be homeless when I get out, makes this even worse.
I guess I am asking you this, have I been using my anxiety as an excuse to cause all of this trouble? I can be completely honest with you and tell you I am a complete wreck when sober. I can't hold eye contact or hold a conversation with someone I don't know well. I hide away in my home.. And it seems that I can only do this for so long before I let myself cave back in to drinking and drugs, all just so I can socialize comfortably.
I am 22 and I see other kids I grew up with doing well, off at colleges, universities. And here I am, about to turn myself into jail and come out homeless. Going to a homeless shelter is something I cannot fathom me doing for some reasons. I guess because I grew up in a fancy suburb community and had everything a kid could want. I can't accept the fact that threw it all away.
My parents do not communicate much with me. When I reach out, my Mom says I use my anxiety as an excuse. My dad would never let me return home, neither would she. I've been to AA meetings in the past, but could never find anyone to relate to, being that my Social Phobia gives me a panic attack, I can barely speak at meetings even if I wanted to real bad on the inside.
I feel like this Phobia of people and socializing has me locked in an invisible prison, and I can't get out. And then the other side of me says, what if my Mother is right? Maybe I have used anxiety as an excuse for so long, that I have became convinced of my weakness? When in reality it is just an excuse?
So I guess this is it? I should turn myself in and face whatever comes ahead of me? I really don't know what choice to make and I'm scared.
All I know is, this is going to end badly.
Let me introduce myself and give a little background info before I jump into my problem.
I am a 22 year old guy from Michigan. I've had severe Social Anxiety (SA) since the 6th grade. I never made any friends, and by time I made it to high school, I would have panic attacks so bad, I would walk out of school in the mornings and go home. I dropped out when I was 16 due to this.
I am also one of those SA sufferers who are not introverted, or at least do not want to be, I always hated being alone and felt like I was always wasting my life away while everyone else lived theirs. I wanted to still have a great life, lots of friends, a meaning, and be comfortable in my own skin.
As a teenager I always managed to get jobs, maybe my anxiety wasn't as bad then, as it is now..
One of those jobs was at a grocery store, where I started stealing a 5th of liquor and eventualy became a alcoholic. I was accepted in with a group of school kids who partied alot. So I would only hang out with people when we were drinking.
As a teenager I managed to rack up four Minor In Possession's. I remember spending my 18th birthday sleeping on the floor of a holding cell with 20+ other people. I have been in and out for short amount's of time since. I even went through a 30 day in patient therapy program. Which still didn't help. It wasnt until a couple years ago that I discovered what Social Anxiety/Social Phobia was, and that is when I learned my reason for abuse.
By this time, I was already kicked out of my parents house and living on couch's. I was able to get a full time job and rent out my own very cheap one room apartment. But I still had no success with my anxiety. I could have periods of 2, 4, or even 6 or more months where I would be completely sober. But in that time, I would be uncomfortable in my own skin. I would avoid friends and family like the plaque, I would be lonely at my place wishing I was a social king. Eventually after these long periods of sobriety, I would finally cave in and start drinking again, and would become a social butterfly.
These stints would last anywhere from 2-6 weeks. Before I hit rock bottom and something bad happens.
During living in that apartment, I found alcohol didn't completely care my SA.. But something new to me would. Xanax. I ended up going on a couple week long binge that costed me my job, and inevitably my own place. I was 20 years old at the time, and had been on my own since 17. During that time, I had worked many jobs, and also sold drugs like marijuana to "party" friends of mine, to help pay bills.
It was at this moment, when I went completely broke, that my parents caved in and let me come home. I had truely believed that this was my moment of clarity, and the turning point in my life.. They believed so too..
I moved home just after turning 21, still on court ordered probation, I was determined to start a new life.. But Social Phobia quickly came back and I went right back to being a hermit. Sitting on my computer all day or watching TV. My Anxiety became severe to the point where searching for a job would give me panic attacks. And having spent many years feeling like a lab rat, on and off medications, I do not believe in the use of prescription drugs (but my mom does).
My dad to this day will still never understand me, he does not understand Social Phobia. He grew up a sociable, hard working man, and expected me to turn out the same way.
Under the constant pressure of my parents to find a job (bugging me everyday), I fell down again. (maybe another excuse?) After more than 8 months sober. I started taking xanax again, which I would order online without a prescription. Under the influence on Xanax, I started calling up the wrong crowd again and started selling drugs again to pay for things, and even lied to my parents about working.
I would start taking a couple mg's a day so I could muster up the courage to call old buddies and hang out. These so called "buddies" were, and are, nothing but party friends who are not true friends. I ended up going on a 7 day binge where I ran from home, stayed in a hotel with a couple friends, and blacked out on asorted drugs for the whole 7 day period.
At the end of the 7 day period while high off something (I believe MDMA), I realized I had made a big mistake. I contacted my parents telling them how sorry I am. And I came home the next morning.
I returned home, and became sober once again, but was still couldnt stop using xanax. Along with the courage it gave me to sell drugs. It wasn't long after the car purchase, the mall shopping spree's, when my parents searched my room and found the drugs and money.
I believe I packed my life up in 5 minutes and drove away. I stayed in a cheap motel for 25 days, scouring for any apartment complex that would take me in without proof of employment and a couple months rent up front.. That I finally found.
When kicked out of the house, I made the choice to go sober again. For me, drinking while severely depressed or in a tight spot, never helped. Funny how I would only make the choice to go sober when things seem at it's worst? Maybe this is my weak spot?
Anyways, As soon as I settled in, the panic began. I had made the choice to quit selling drugs when my parents kicked me out. It was something I was unable to do while sober. As the social anxiety would make me hide away from these people. And I had enough money saved up to pay for maybe half a years worth of rent? So I had pretty good security.
Of course what good is that money? What was I going to do when I run out? It is now October, after three months of sitting in my apartment alone, I have only been able to go on two job interviews, both of which did not call me back.
I have only one clean, good friend in the world, he was always there when I needed to spill out all my problems to someone, and he helped me out in times of trouble. As of today he has two kids and a very busy life. So the communication has been hard.
Because of this, I slowly stopped communicating with him over the past year. I've always felt bad about this, and a month ago I reached out to him, as a friend, to see how he was doing. So we started hanging out again and talking.
It was because of this that I had set the goal to keep job searching, and get myself enrolled into some college classes after finding a set job. He had inspired me, and made me realize that I maybe one day I can make more sober friends as well.
Well it didnt last long before the urges came on again. I went to a Custodial interview which turned out to be a bust, atleast 15 others sitting in the lobby waiting for the same interview.
I recently caved in and started meeting a old "friend" and a couple girls at the bar, all of whom I got in contact with off facebook. This time I didn't fall into a full binge, and I'm sure that's because I didn't have the time to.
One night, after leaving the bar, I got pulled over for driving with my brights on. I blew a .084, that is .004 over legal limit. I received a DUI charge.
This threw my mind into a whirl spin and for about a couple weeks I convinced myself I was going to run, leave the state, and some how start new.
About a week ago it happened again, I was contact about a party that was going on in a city 20 minutes from me. The only way I was able to do this, was buy chugging down a 6 pack before heading out to meet them. I got pulled over for not using my turn signal and received my second DUI.
This means I will face definite jail time, in fact I know I will because I am on warrants right now, I did not show for my first court date because I know I will lose my apartment. And while my family has completely let go of me, I know I will be homeless. And when I get sentenced for the second DUI I will lose my license for a year.
Now here comes the worst part. I am scared. My family never understood my Social Anxiety. My dad was always a hard working sociable man, so as soon as I started acting out I was kicked out of the house.
I am currently completely benzo/alcohol free and have been for a little while. The anxiety and depression hurts like hell. And knowing that soon I will have to turn myself in, do jail time (scary), and will be homeless when I get out, makes this even worse.
I guess I am asking you this, have I been using my anxiety as an excuse to cause all of this trouble? I can be completely honest with you and tell you I am a complete wreck when sober. I can't hold eye contact or hold a conversation with someone I don't know well. I hide away in my home.. And it seems that I can only do this for so long before I let myself cave back in to drinking and drugs, all just so I can socialize comfortably.
I am 22 and I see other kids I grew up with doing well, off at colleges, universities. And here I am, about to turn myself into jail and come out homeless. Going to a homeless shelter is something I cannot fathom me doing for some reasons. I guess because I grew up in a fancy suburb community and had everything a kid could want. I can't accept the fact that threw it all away.
My parents do not communicate much with me. When I reach out, my Mom says I use my anxiety as an excuse. My dad would never let me return home, neither would she. I've been to AA meetings in the past, but could never find anyone to relate to, being that my Social Phobia gives me a panic attack, I can barely speak at meetings even if I wanted to real bad on the inside.
I feel like this Phobia of people and socializing has me locked in an invisible prison, and I can't get out. And then the other side of me says, what if my Mother is right? Maybe I have used anxiety as an excuse for so long, that I have became convinced of my weakness? When in reality it is just an excuse?
So I guess this is it? I should turn myself in and face whatever comes ahead of me? I really don't know what choice to make and I'm scared.
All I know is, this is going to end badly.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi,
I'm sorry for what you're going through.
I know personally how difficult social anxiety is to live with. I gave up many opportunities because I couldn't handle the social situations involved. I eventually began to understand that my life was my life. I don't make friends easily and I don't do small talk. But, that's okay. It's who I am. And, you are who you are. You can learn to deal with social anxiety. You may not have a myriad of friends and be a social butterfly, but you can have a good life. And, drinking always makes anxiety worse, always. Have you considered counselling? That might help you, and know that you can have a good life, even with this issue.
I'm sorry for what you're going through.
I know personally how difficult social anxiety is to live with. I gave up many opportunities because I couldn't handle the social situations involved. I eventually began to understand that my life was my life. I don't make friends easily and I don't do small talk. But, that's okay. It's who I am. And, you are who you are. You can learn to deal with social anxiety. You may not have a myriad of friends and be a social butterfly, but you can have a good life. And, drinking always makes anxiety worse, always. Have you considered counselling? That might help you, and know that you can have a good life, even with this issue.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi Chasek,
Welcome to the forum. I don't have any advice but I feel that you are at an important crossroad in your life. The SA sounds paralysing. Have you ever had any therapy to address the problem as opposed to drugs.
I feel for you and hope you can find the help and support you need. This post seems a bit lame as I read over it but I felt strongly that I wanted to say something to you and tell you that I am listening, keep posting
All the best
CaiHong
Welcome to the forum. I don't have any advice but I feel that you are at an important crossroad in your life. The SA sounds paralysing. Have you ever had any therapy to address the problem as opposed to drugs.
I feel for you and hope you can find the help and support you need. This post seems a bit lame as I read over it but I felt strongly that I wanted to say something to you and tell you that I am listening, keep posting
All the best
CaiHong
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
Hi Chasek,
Although, I am quite a bit older than you - I can relate very well to your story. Back when I was growing up they didn't call it social anxiety. But, it is a big part of why I developed a problem with alcohol and now suffer from panic attacks. You should be very proud tht you are alcohol/benzo free. No, I don't feel you are using anxiety as an excuse - it is very real. However, alcohol and benzos are probably the worst choices for those of us that suffer from anxiety. I've had difficulty going to AA meetings too because of the anxiey, but listening can be every bit as helpful as sharing. Inositol powder is supposed to be helpful with panic attacks. I also concur with Anna that even if you do suffer from social anxiety that doesn't make you any less special or deserving of a good life. Perhaps, it makes you a better listener, more sensitive and more compassionate. Please, don't be scared - you have support here. If, I could I would wrap my arms around you. You are not alone.
Although, I am quite a bit older than you - I can relate very well to your story. Back when I was growing up they didn't call it social anxiety. But, it is a big part of why I developed a problem with alcohol and now suffer from panic attacks. You should be very proud tht you are alcohol/benzo free. No, I don't feel you are using anxiety as an excuse - it is very real. However, alcohol and benzos are probably the worst choices for those of us that suffer from anxiety. I've had difficulty going to AA meetings too because of the anxiey, but listening can be every bit as helpful as sharing. Inositol powder is supposed to be helpful with panic attacks. I also concur with Anna that even if you do suffer from social anxiety that doesn't make you any less special or deserving of a good life. Perhaps, it makes you a better listener, more sensitive and more compassionate. Please, don't be scared - you have support here. If, I could I would wrap my arms around you. You are not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 6
Thank you guys for the kind words, and I'm sorry for such a long story!
I have seen a CBT Therapist in the past, and I believe she had some good affects on my way of thinking, but I didn't give it long enough. That is something I will definitely do when I get out of jail.
It's funny how alcohol and especially benzos can completely change my personality. On them, I can be sociable, obnoxious, and do bad things like drugs and selling them.
But when I am sober, I am quiet, mild temper and hell, wouldn't even harm a bug if I found one in my apartment.
I don't even know who I am, and I guess that is because I've been trying to become someone I'm not.
I will give a look into homeless shelters and half way houses before I turn myself into jail. I'm sure there is someone or some group out their that will help me.
I have seen a CBT Therapist in the past, and I believe she had some good affects on my way of thinking, but I didn't give it long enough. That is something I will definitely do when I get out of jail.
It's funny how alcohol and especially benzos can completely change my personality. On them, I can be sociable, obnoxious, and do bad things like drugs and selling them.
But when I am sober, I am quiet, mild temper and hell, wouldn't even harm a bug if I found one in my apartment.
I don't even know who I am, and I guess that is because I've been trying to become someone I'm not.
I will give a look into homeless shelters and half way houses before I turn myself into jail. I'm sure there is someone or some group out their that will help me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: n.e. WI
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by chasek 
Hey guys,
All I know is, this is going to end badly.
All I know is, this is going to end badly.
I know EXACTLY what you speak of when you say you don't feel comfortable around many people as I am the same way. When I was your age I moved away from the city out in a rural environment and it was a life changing experience for me. I found a job that was very difficult and dangerous but it suited me well as it allowed me to work by myself and when I wanted to with little supervision. I started with nothing and found a one room shack to live in with no electricity or indoor plumbing and lived there for 7 years. I started to read a lot and to this day I am a total bibliophile. I saved enough money to build a garage which I lived in for 2 years and then began building a house with my own two hands. It took 10 years to complete but it kept me out of trouble and is very comfortable. I never socialized or dated in all those years because I never found any people who I could relate too or have a discussion which interested me. Then one day I took my dog to the veterinarian and met a wonderful lady who was a doctor and owned the clinic and in a few months we were married. Only after that did I finally begin to reach out into the world in a big way and discovered people who I could totally relate to and call my close friends. I began to take on new challenges that made me realize my social "disorder" was not a disorder at all because it enabled me to accomplish many things that most "normal" people could never dream of. Just as an example, I discovered that the time I spent alone suited me to be artistically motivated. I never knew it until I was in my mid thirties. I began working at different types of artwork and eventually sold a number of my pieces for as much as 7k.
When I was your age I was in much the same situation as you. Now I am twice your age and that is ancient history. The booze did finally catch up with me again but I know this problem will pass. Mainly because it is now my new #1 priority to deal with it and I know I can make it happen. Just like every other seemingly impossible obstacle life throws at a person if you really find the strength within yourself to deal with it you can do it. Realize that the potential is within yourself at this very moment to do great things. Don't let a bump in the road define you. Try to look at things with a positive attitude and realize that you can turn things around.
You have a lot of life left ahead of you (in fact most of it!) just take things one step at a time. And for gosh sakes stay away from the benzos and don't become an addict. Set some goals in life even small ones, find something that interests you and try to surround yourself with people who are a positive influence. Ultimately a person tends to become more like the people who they are around. Find yourself and who you are. It took me till my mid-twenties before I even had the vaguest idea of who I wanted to be or realize that I could accomplish many things through hard work and commitment. Well I hope my rambling has in some way given you something to think about and has been in some way helpful!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Chasek,
You might contact Legal Aod to see about getting low cost legal advice. just look on line or in the phone book. I had some crippling panic attacks since I was in my mid teens. In my early 30's, I read an article that changed my life.
I read that sometimes what feels like panic is actually a physical deal with the heart called mitral valve prolapse. It's not a big deal at all, isn't going to cause any other problems. ANd it's fairly common. I had an echo cardiogram, and sure enough, I have it. After some tweaking around, I was given low dose beta blocker and guess what? No more panic attacks!
So, first call Legql Aid for legal help and then see about getting your heart checked out for Mitral Valve Prolapse. Check out the Salvation Army for help with the addictions and a place to stay while you recover. In fact, see the Salvation Army first. They might be able to help you with the legal stuff as well.
Take care and know there's hope, OK?
Love from Lenina
I have a feeling you're going to be OK.
You might contact Legal Aod to see about getting low cost legal advice. just look on line or in the phone book. I had some crippling panic attacks since I was in my mid teens. In my early 30's, I read an article that changed my life.
I read that sometimes what feels like panic is actually a physical deal with the heart called mitral valve prolapse. It's not a big deal at all, isn't going to cause any other problems. ANd it's fairly common. I had an echo cardiogram, and sure enough, I have it. After some tweaking around, I was given low dose beta blocker and guess what? No more panic attacks!
So, first call Legql Aid for legal help and then see about getting your heart checked out for Mitral Valve Prolapse. Check out the Salvation Army for help with the addictions and a place to stay while you recover. In fact, see the Salvation Army first. They might be able to help you with the legal stuff as well.
Take care and know there's hope, OK?
Love from Lenina
I have a feeling you're going to be OK.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,962
Sorry for what's happened. You sound like many people I've met in aa. Try meetings again, this time, if you are willing, try to relate in, not out.
You must be willing to go to any lengths for your life to get better.
You have internet, look up aa city state.
Many good wishes for you! The world is at your fingertips!
You must be willing to go to any lengths for your life to get better.
You have internet, look up aa city state.
Many good wishes for you! The world is at your fingertips!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Kennesaw, GA
Posts: 193
Chasek,
I can really identify with you in the social anxiety department. I also know very well that feeling of a transformation into a social butterfly when drinking. I used to say when I was about your age, why can't they make a pill that makes you feel like you've had 2 beers but not get drunk? Gives you the ability to say what you mean and not worry. To not worry about everything!
It's good that you can identify the things that you would like to change about yourself when sober. That's a very good thing to be able to do. As for using it as an excuse I would say that since you have a clear picture of what's happened when you drink or use (ends up bad), going forward it would be an excuse.
A lot of your story sounds like mine. I put together a long stretch of sobriety but instead of learning how to live sober and dealing with my social awkwardness, I isolated. Then when some life began happening I realized I was still the same me, afraid, insecure, felt like everyone was better than me, watching me, didn't know what to say or when to say it. So I returned to the drink because it had worked before... Then like you went that 2-6 week range before it comes crashing down.
It's like the "jumping off point." I've realized that I didn't like myself sober, and drinking and drugs didn't do what they used to do for me at all. In fact it was worse. They don't hide me sufficiently from myself anymore.
You'll be surprised what you can get through sober. You can get through this stuff and you'll be better for it.
I can really identify with you in the social anxiety department. I also know very well that feeling of a transformation into a social butterfly when drinking. I used to say when I was about your age, why can't they make a pill that makes you feel like you've had 2 beers but not get drunk? Gives you the ability to say what you mean and not worry. To not worry about everything!
It's good that you can identify the things that you would like to change about yourself when sober. That's a very good thing to be able to do. As for using it as an excuse I would say that since you have a clear picture of what's happened when you drink or use (ends up bad), going forward it would be an excuse.
A lot of your story sounds like mine. I put together a long stretch of sobriety but instead of learning how to live sober and dealing with my social awkwardness, I isolated. Then when some life began happening I realized I was still the same me, afraid, insecure, felt like everyone was better than me, watching me, didn't know what to say or when to say it. So I returned to the drink because it had worked before... Then like you went that 2-6 week range before it comes crashing down.
It's like the "jumping off point." I've realized that I didn't like myself sober, and drinking and drugs didn't do what they used to do for me at all. In fact it was worse. They don't hide me sufficiently from myself anymore.
You'll be surprised what you can get through sober. You can get through this stuff and you'll be better for it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Morrisville, PA
Posts: 24
Chasek,
Welcome to the forum and my heart goes out to you for the problems you now suffer. As to your question ....
My opinion is that the ONLY way you are going to solve the problems you face and then lead a normal, happy, sane life is to be sober. The first thing you must accomplish is to become grounded in this fact. You must accept that you are powerless over drugs and alcohol and live sober one day at a time. Eventually then your life will become better.
Nothing now will instantly fix your life or your problems. I wish you the best in dealing with the troubles you have. My opinion is that you need to fully accept and be determined to LIVE SOBER regardless of the fact that it is not a quick fix and may even be a little painful at first and even for a while. Eventually life will get better though and you will find your way (if sober).
A program like A.A. can help as to the problems of living sober. It can give you support for the troubles you have living sober (as you say you are a wreck when sober) but you must ACCEPT that you need this change. You must be willing to change and do what it takes it to become grounded in sobriety.
If it is your anxiety that you use to claim a need for drugs or alcohol then obviously it is an excuse. The ONLY way your life will become better is to become sober. You need to accept that and then finally start doing the work needed to get your life on track.
Welcome to the forum and my heart goes out to you for the problems you now suffer. As to your question ....
I guess I am asking you this, have I been using my anxiety as an excuse to cause all of this trouble? I can be completely honest with you and tell you I am a complete wreck when sober. I can't hold eye contact or hold a conversation with someone I don't know well. I hide away in my home.. And it seems that I can only do this for so long before I let myself cave back in to drinking and drugs, all just so I can socialize comfortably.
Nothing now will instantly fix your life or your problems. I wish you the best in dealing with the troubles you have. My opinion is that you need to fully accept and be determined to LIVE SOBER regardless of the fact that it is not a quick fix and may even be a little painful at first and even for a while. Eventually life will get better though and you will find your way (if sober).
A program like A.A. can help as to the problems of living sober. It can give you support for the troubles you have living sober (as you say you are a wreck when sober) but you must ACCEPT that you need this change. You must be willing to change and do what it takes it to become grounded in sobriety.
If it is your anxiety that you use to claim a need for drugs or alcohol then obviously it is an excuse. The ONLY way your life will become better is to become sober. You need to accept that and then finally start doing the work needed to get your life on track.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 6
Thank all of you for being supportive. Really means alot. Simplex I can relate to what your saying. Right now I am going through some acute xanax withdrawals. And I am afraid that when they do go away, I will fall back in to being comfortable isolated, and after a certain amount of time, the loneliness will catch up and the same thing will happen again.
As of right now, I hide away and avoid seeing a counselor or going to AA meetings. The anxiety is so bad, it's to the point where I cant think properly when around people or breath properly. I can't get my mind off the negatives. Also, I have hyperhydrosis of the hands, that's where they sweat profusely and I can't get them dry for the life of me, so I have a deadly fear of shaking hands or even holding hands (like at AA). Because for one, some people are hygienic and will be grossed out, but most people just ask me if I'm nervous or something.
I guess there's no changing it, I just got to do it.
As of right now, I hide away and avoid seeing a counselor or going to AA meetings. The anxiety is so bad, it's to the point where I cant think properly when around people or breath properly. I can't get my mind off the negatives. Also, I have hyperhydrosis of the hands, that's where they sweat profusely and I can't get them dry for the life of me, so I have a deadly fear of shaking hands or even holding hands (like at AA). Because for one, some people are hygienic and will be grossed out, but most people just ask me if I'm nervous or something.
I guess there's no changing it, I just got to do it.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Ultimately a person tends to become more like the people who they are around. Find yourself and who you are. It took me till my mid-twenties before I even had the vaguest idea of who I wanted to be or realize that I could accomplish many things through hard work and commitment.
You know who you are, can you accept it? Or are you going to continue to fight against it and alter it? I know so many questions, but seriously it's like we all think we have to "be" a certain way and if we aren't we medicate. I know this mind frame all too well. I really messed myself up trying not to be socially anxious but that's my temperament. I don't want to be around large groups of people or at party's etc. But everyone around me made me think that's how you are supposed to be. I saw myself as wrong, sick, etc. But I was just not an extrovert, sure I wanted to be but I'm not. Only took me 15yrs to accept this. Hope it doesn't take you that long.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Chasek,
I have hope for you too. you have accomplished some things that some never do. you are self aware, and that helps so much, in managing our own personal life challenges.
perhaps write down a list of the things that you know you must do, in order to begin moving forward. if the counselling helped you, by all means, consider giving that a real chance.
you are not alone..we care.
and learn how to breathe deeply, the relaxation technique that is helping me some with anxiety. this will pass, i believe, and you can make it all end up the way you wish. you just have to stay clean, and believe with all your heart that drugs/alcohol WILL make it end badly for you.
sending a hug,
chicory
I have hope for you too. you have accomplished some things that some never do. you are self aware, and that helps so much, in managing our own personal life challenges.
perhaps write down a list of the things that you know you must do, in order to begin moving forward. if the counselling helped you, by all means, consider giving that a real chance.
you are not alone..we care.
and learn how to breathe deeply, the relaxation technique that is helping me some with anxiety. this will pass, i believe, and you can make it all end up the way you wish. you just have to stay clean, and believe with all your heart that drugs/alcohol WILL make it end badly for you.
sending a hug,
chicory
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
Chasek,
Hope you are allright. Detoxing from benzos can be very dangerous. Having severe anxiety myself - it has to be addressed. There are medications that are not addictive that may help. Also, there is a very good book by Dr. David Burns "The feeling good handbook" that has practical exercises that you can do to help with your anxiety. Take care of yourself.
Hope you are allright. Detoxing from benzos can be very dangerous. Having severe anxiety myself - it has to be addressed. There are medications that are not addictive that may help. Also, there is a very good book by Dr. David Burns "The feeling good handbook" that has practical exercises that you can do to help with your anxiety. Take care of yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Bit late buit welcome Chasek How are you doing today?
I agree with the others - benzo withdrawal is nothing to fool with - I hope you're planning on seeing a Dr to help you through this
D
How are you doing today?I agree with the others - benzo withdrawal is nothing to fool with - I hope you're planning on seeing a Dr to help you through this
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 453
Thanks for sharing,
I would suggest that you face up to the consequences of your actions, You are lucky you did not kill or maim anyone including yourself while driving under the influence. Be honest, perhaps the Judge will offer you in patient treatment instead of Jail. Either way what I would suggest is starting a journal, remind yourself daily of why you do not want to live a life as a drug dealer and drug abuser. As weird as this may sound, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. Things could be much much worse. If you stop while you are ahead, you have a good chance of turning your life around.
As for only having one sober friend, I would also suggest joining some group therapy. As someone mentioned on this board, CBT or (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is very helpful in the treatment of Social Anxiety and Panic Disorder. You can find low/no cost treatments perhaps by contacting a local Medical School, ask to speak with the head of the Psychology or Psychiatry department, you can usually get referrals from them or low cost treatments by PHD students.
Also what helped me was deleting my Facebook account, changing my phone numbers and seeking out "real" friends, who were not drug dealers or users. Sometimes we need to make drastic choices to save our lives.
One more thing, there seems to be a stigma going around where people with real problems such as Anxiety or Panic Disorder do not want to "Take Meds" which in many cases under doctor supervision can cure people of these diseases. Yet these same people have no problem doing and using ilicit drugs. I was one of those people It does not make sense.
There is help for these disorders. I hope that you find the right doctor and treatment options. Wether or not your parents "Believe" or support you, it is something that you can do on your own (seeking help that is)
Just my two cents.
All the best to you.
I would suggest that you face up to the consequences of your actions, You are lucky you did not kill or maim anyone including yourself while driving under the influence. Be honest, perhaps the Judge will offer you in patient treatment instead of Jail. Either way what I would suggest is starting a journal, remind yourself daily of why you do not want to live a life as a drug dealer and drug abuser. As weird as this may sound, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. Things could be much much worse. If you stop while you are ahead, you have a good chance of turning your life around.
As for only having one sober friend, I would also suggest joining some group therapy. As someone mentioned on this board, CBT or (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is very helpful in the treatment of Social Anxiety and Panic Disorder. You can find low/no cost treatments perhaps by contacting a local Medical School, ask to speak with the head of the Psychology or Psychiatry department, you can usually get referrals from them or low cost treatments by PHD students.
Also what helped me was deleting my Facebook account, changing my phone numbers and seeking out "real" friends, who were not drug dealers or users. Sometimes we need to make drastic choices to save our lives.
One more thing, there seems to be a stigma going around where people with real problems such as Anxiety or Panic Disorder do not want to "Take Meds" which in many cases under doctor supervision can cure people of these diseases. Yet these same people have no problem doing and using ilicit drugs. I was one of those people
It does not make sense. There is help for these disorders. I hope that you find the right doctor and treatment options. Wether or not your parents "Believe" or support you, it is something that you can do on your own (seeking help that is)
Just my two cents.
All the best to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 6
Thanks for all the responses. My benzos withdraws are better. Usually they are very acute withdraws that are short lived. I was abusing xanax for a short amount of time.
I do agree with all the advice you guys gave. I deleted my facebook and changed my phone number. At the moment I am packing up my apartment, and I am taking my time because I don't own many things, and after this it's off to jail for 93 days, and out I come to a homeless shelter.
I'd rather take the full 93 days so I don't have to come out to a probation. Being unable to drive, I wouldn't be able to complete it. And the outside rehab programs the court offers, they'll require probation after completing it. They do have a rehab program inside the jail I hope I can get into.
I would love to get back into CBT and group therapy. But my living situation will be a issue. My license will be revoked for a year so I'll be immobile. And I'm from a upper class neighborhood. The only homeless shelter we have here is a 90 day program, that is suppose to help you find a job and housing within that time frame, not sure if they guarantee this.
Fingers crossed, thanks everyone.
I do agree with all the advice you guys gave. I deleted my facebook and changed my phone number. At the moment I am packing up my apartment, and I am taking my time because I don't own many things, and after this it's off to jail for 93 days, and out I come to a homeless shelter.
I'd rather take the full 93 days so I don't have to come out to a probation. Being unable to drive, I wouldn't be able to complete it. And the outside rehab programs the court offers, they'll require probation after completing it. They do have a rehab program inside the jail I hope I can get into.
I would love to get back into CBT and group therapy. But my living situation will be a issue. My license will be revoked for a year so I'll be immobile. And I'm from a upper class neighborhood. The only homeless shelter we have here is a 90 day program, that is suppose to help you find a job and housing within that time frame, not sure if they guarantee this.
Fingers crossed, thanks everyone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
Good luck, Chasek,
Sounds like you are facing things. Good - get it over with. Just remember that you are not alone, and when you are able please let us all know how you are. Take care. Elizabeth
Sounds like you are facing things. Good - get it over with. Just remember that you are not alone, and when you are able please let us all know how you are. Take care. Elizabeth
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