lilhaze

Ok - This is my 2nd post. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to make a new post everyday, or keep adding on to the same post. So, all of you that took the time to respond and care about my first post....Thank you with all of my heart.

Today is the beginning of Day 4 and last night was the worst night of not sleeping. By 5:00 am when my boyfriend got up for work, I was still laying in bed tossing and turning and hadn't fallen asleep. (My boyfriend's snoring doesn't help either.) Thank God I'm not working right now, because even though I can't sleep, I'm extremely exhausted and can't think clearly. I did finally fall asleep around 7:00 am until about 11:30 am still feeling weird and exhausted when I woke up.

My issue today is that I just got done saying the most horrible things you can ever say to the man you love. It all started when I just remembered last night that our 6th anniversary is October 8th. I knew if I forgot, that I'm sure my boyfriend forgot as well. (If I wasn't sober, I probably would have never remembered until it was too late.) Well, while talking to my boyfriend on the phone and reminding him of what this weekend is, it was no big deal I told him, because I forgot too.

Here's the kicker that set me off......a few minutes after we finished on the phone, my boyfriend called me back only to ask me what the date was again. WTF?! After 6 years and me reminding him it was this weekend, he still couldn't remember the date? That's all it took......emotional outburst and extreme anger/hurt.

The only thing he has said to me (before I started texting horrible things) was that I'm lucky we even lasted this long. Which, honestly, with my drinking...he's probably right. But, a woman never wants to actually hear that out of her boyfriend.

Basically, I have been crying ever since and texting my boyfriend the most hurtful, horrible things and couldn't control myself. I even brought up the fact of our lack of sex and his lack of intimacy since I've gained 50 pounds. I already hate the way I look and feel extremely uncomfortable with all this extra weight. To have your boyfriend constantly tell you he loves you, but doesn't ever seem actually sexually attracted to you, it makes me feel even uglier. So, that issue came right up to the surface and I went off about that as well.

Crying hysterically, shaking, and feeling extreme aggression in my arms, I decided to start vacuuming. That has calmed me down some, and now I feel like more of a piece of s**t.

He hasn't called or texted back since my last text and I didn't know what else to do besides come here to SR.

My emotions are running so strong and I believe I've had an emotional outburst every day of the last 4 days of sobriety. Yesterday, my boyfriend asked if we are going to fight everyday. Apparently so.....and I don't like it. I don't like all the emotions I'm feeling and I don't like losing control. Isn't that one reason to stop drinking???....to get control of your life and self again?? I don't know what to do....this not drinking thing is not making things better in my life. It seems like it's making it worse.

tanja

Lil,

Hang in there! I only have 11 days of sobriety and it has been pretty rough. I have the insomnia, anxiety, just plain feeling awful. However, as bad as I may feel it is still preferable to drinking alcohol. We both need to learn patience and have faith that it will get better! This site has been a God send to me.

Dee74

Hi lil
most people start new thread for new topics - but it's up to you.

I think most of us can identify with your post - early recovery is a time of great emotional upheaval for most of us, with giant mood swings and extreme reactions. I think that's normal

I know I 'medicated' my feelings for so long, when I got sober, it was like I opened the floodgates and everything came out - like I said yesterday - most of use abuse our body and mind for years - it will take a little time for both to recuperate to to readjust to sobriety - it will settle down tho

I found it useful to remember that - and when I felt myself getting angry or upset I reminded myself I was in the early days of a lifechanging decision.

I always tried to stop and think whether I'd be worried about whatever was upsetting me next week, next month...or next year - usually the answer was no.

I hope you can sort things out with your bf

D

sugarbear1

Have you considered aa?

eJoshua

Sometimes it can be the simplest things that bring deeper-seated emotions to the surface. Since you have been essentially numbing yourself from feeling any emotion for so long it is going to be very strange to have all these emotions come to the surface. Some of them are probably going to be valid and worth taking action on, while others are going to be feelings based out of insecurity, anger or resentments, which is definitely not worth acting on.

For now, you have to allow yourself an emotional time out and remember that your body and mind are going through a whole lot right now. I don't know how to patch things up with your BF, but I think if you are able to talk to him it would be worth it to have a conversation about what you are going through emotionally and how things will probably be a little strained until you are able to start working through your emotions.

Keep strong, because if you go back to drinking then you are going to negate most of the progress that you are making right now.

Best wishes to you.

lilhaze

Thanks for all the insight. I have calmed down and apologized to my boyfriend. When he called to ask my son what he wants for dinner, he asked me if I was gonna be nice to him. I said yes. He's picking up food to make a spaghetti dinner with salad tonight. My boyfriend has definitely gone through alot with me and has put up with alot. I feel better now and am so glad I didn't result to drinking again. Instead, I started vacuuming the house to exert my emotions. It did help. I still feel bad and hate myself for saying the things I said to my boyfriend. All of your thoughts and words here have meant a great deal to me and have been a life saver. I really want to feel better, I really do.

peaceful1

when i first stopped drinking alochohol i was feeling so agitated!!! The slightest thing would make me want to stangle someone.....it was awful and i was afraid that would never end. It lasted about 3 weeks, and now at seven weeks i feel i am back to my old self, thankfully. i was just thinking to myself today how good it feels to just be.....life seems so simple now. you will get to that point too, just be gentle with yourself most importantly.

Anna

Yes and No. Yes, drinking makes us lose control and that causes mess after mess. But, recovery isn't about controlling your life, at least not to me. For me, it's understanding that all I can control is my reactions to what happens in my life. I can't control my life.

CaiHong

Illhaze,
It sounds like you are going through the "normal" up and down mood swings of getting sober.
I am just over 4 months sober myself and the moods are beginning to settle down.
What I really hate now is when I do get angry and have an outburst I feel awful afterwards but even these feelings are beginning to subside as I am learning from them and not just purely reacting to what is going on around me. It is hard to just stop feeling irritated just because you know you shouldn't , so try and distract or step away from the irritation, deep breathing, chanting the serenity prayer, whatever works for you. Later you will be so glad you didn't overeact. and have to apologise, feel guilty and so on.

Keep hanging in there you can do it.

All the best
CaiHong

SteppingItUp

Hi Lilhaze,

My heart goes out to you because I know what this sort of suffering felt like. Life hurt. The world was unfair. And then, because I'm fundamentally a good person, I felt bad for the way I reacted to it.

"He is a real Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde." Yep.

Have you considered how much this has to do with untreated alcoholism, drunk or sober?

As far as it was concerned in my own case: basically. everything.

A safe bet would presume I would be drunk, high, miserable or dead without the program of recovery I've been blessed to have found.

A new way of living, of experiencing the world, of amending the harms I've caused along the way...

Doesn't that sound good?

Do you need real help Lil?

Because, if you're anything like me, just stopping drinking does not sufficiently treat alcoholism...

Sending much love,

SIU