Reaching out.
Canterbell,
I think we have all been there with self-hatred. I try and ask myself "Is this conducive to recovery or not". For me, beating myself up or putting myself down is certainly not helpful in trying to quit drinking. Joining this web site is a good first step!
I think we have all been there with self-hatred. I try and ask myself "Is this conducive to recovery or not". For me, beating myself up or putting myself down is certainly not helpful in trying to quit drinking. Joining this web site is a good first step!
Welcome back!! So glad you made it back.
As someone else here said, you are NOT alone.
I'm not in chat much but would be happy to talk -- just send me a PM if you need to talk. I'm on here often.
As someone else here said, you are NOT alone.
I'm not in chat much but would be happy to talk -- just send me a PM if you need to talk. I'm on here often.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: UK.
Posts: 143
I have had some good support in the chat room last night and tonight, Thank you all very much.
I guess I have some soul searching to do. I want better than this, I want more for myself. I have been drinking tonight, and while I am ashamed and disgusted with myself, I still did it.
*sighs*
I guess I deserve the life I have carved out for myself..
I guess I have some soul searching to do. I want better than this, I want more for myself. I have been drinking tonight, and while I am ashamed and disgusted with myself, I still did it.
*sighs*
I guess I deserve the life I have carved out for myself..
<---You're just trying to find your way,Canterbell...I think you're very brave to post exactly what's going on with you...a) to still reach out, even if you haven't managed to totally stop, and b) to help others that can identify with what you're feeling right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: UK.
Posts: 143
Karma rules.. (?)
I feel like death today, I have the beginnings of a monster cold, and the period from hell.
at least I think thats what is going on...
I am wondering if I have poisoned myself indelibly?
I feel like death today, I have the beginnings of a monster cold, and the period from hell.
at least I think thats what is going on...
I am wondering if I have poisoned myself indelibly?
I am sorry you are feeling so badly today....I (and most of us) have been there many, many times before. You are just going to have to get fed up with this and take action! It used to really upset me when people said that to me, but it is the truth. I am a 59 year old female that went to rehab when I was 35, sober for 8 yrs, drank, sober for 9 yrs, drank 4 yrs ago and am on day 57. Please don't put yourself through anymore. It doesn't get better - it gets worse and worse and worse - that is if you live through it. And it is so progressive! I didn't think I would ever be sober again this time around. You don't have to live this way - you really don't. I wish I could do something to help you, but then again you have to want it and you have to do it for yourself. But this post and numerous organizations, State resources, counselors, etc. are available to you if you reach out. Love, hugs, and positive energy is being sent your way. Take care. Elizabeth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: UK.
Posts: 143
I am so cross with myself.
I had a conversation today, with a friend not associated with SR, he is an online friend, the only one in the world who knows I am struggling with my drinking hablits. He was fairly supportive, he too has had a problem with his drinking.
The conversation turned to ghosts and shadows in our past. I knew as soon as the conversation started that I would get upset. I didnt know that I would want a drink as bad as I did.
Even as poorly as I have felt, (cold) I still ended up getting in the car and going to buy wine. I stood in the store looking at the shelves, I chose my purchases.
Its stupid, I am stupid.
I chose wine I knew I didn't like, as if that was some sort of pennance, to drink the wine I dont enjoy drinking??
I came home, realise I didn thave time to drink it before Housemate came home, so the only logical decision was to drink the bottle superfast.
What is wrong with me??? I want to badly to help support the good good people I have met in here, I want to listen and empathise and help. How can I do that when I am half cut?
*bangs head against wall really hard*
Im so sorry to all of you I have let down.
I had a conversation today, with a friend not associated with SR, he is an online friend, the only one in the world who knows I am struggling with my drinking hablits. He was fairly supportive, he too has had a problem with his drinking.
The conversation turned to ghosts and shadows in our past. I knew as soon as the conversation started that I would get upset. I didnt know that I would want a drink as bad as I did.
Even as poorly as I have felt, (cold) I still ended up getting in the car and going to buy wine. I stood in the store looking at the shelves, I chose my purchases.
Its stupid, I am stupid.
I chose wine I knew I didn't like, as if that was some sort of pennance, to drink the wine I dont enjoy drinking??
I came home, realise I didn thave time to drink it before Housemate came home, so the only logical decision was to drink the bottle superfast.
What is wrong with me??? I want to badly to help support the good good people I have met in here, I want to listen and empathise and help. How can I do that when I am half cut?
*bangs head against wall really hard*
Im so sorry to all of you I have let down.
Canterbell, I've felt the way that you feel and I've had the thoughts that you're having. I found a solution in AA. I mean, I don't want to sound like a recruiter or anything, but when I do what I'm supposed to do in AA, I don't drink, and you seem pretty desperate. I know you have your reservations about AA, but please consider finding yourself some form of face-to-face support. You don't have to keep doing this. You're not a stupid or bad person -- you're just someone who wants to stop drinking and doesn't know how.
Canterbell,
Please try and not beat yourself up about it! The fact of the matter is that you are reading, you are posting, you are reaching and you are trying. Not to mention being honest about it. Perhaps, when you feel better try and learn from the experience.
Please try and not beat yourself up about it! The fact of the matter is that you are reading, you are posting, you are reaching and you are trying. Not to mention being honest about it. Perhaps, when you feel better try and learn from the experience.
Hi Canterbell. Sorry to be late in reading this - but am very glad to see you posting again. As Fandy said, you were missed on the Whiner's thread.
No matter what's going on, I hope you'll keep coming here and talking about your feelings. Most of us have walked where you are now walking. It's quite a journey, over rugged terrain, but you can make it! We're here to listen and help.
No matter what's going on, I hope you'll keep coming here and talking about your feelings. Most of us have walked where you are now walking. It's quite a journey, over rugged terrain, but you can make it! We're here to listen and help.
Hi Canter
If this guy is the only guy in the world who knows about your problem, maybe it's to consider finding more support - whether it's AA or some other recovery group, or counselling, or even just seeing your Dr and opening up to them?
getting sober and staying that way can be hard - if you're finding it especially difficult I think it makes sense to get as many reinforcements involved in the battle as possible?
D
If this guy is the only guy in the world who knows about your problem, maybe it's to consider finding more support - whether it's AA or some other recovery group, or counselling, or even just seeing your Dr and opening up to them?
getting sober and staying that way can be hard - if you're finding it especially difficult I think it makes sense to get as many reinforcements involved in the battle as possible?
D
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