LittleSparrow

Last year near the end of October, I decided that I needed to give up the alcohol. I was counting my sober days for a little over 6 months. Things were going well, and I sort of forgot why I had quit drinking. When spring came around and the weather became nicer, I started thinking that maybe it was okay to have a drink here and there while relaxing outside or hanging out with friends. I guess I've conditioned myself over the years to believe that relaxing = having a drink in hand. Anyway, I've been drinking for the past 6 months. Not continuously or in huge amounts, but recently I've been drinking on quite a few weeknights instead of just weekends. It's been occupying my thoughts more, too. Sometimes while I'm at work and sometimes even in the morning before I've left for work, I'll think about how I can't wait to get home to have a drink. I feel like its control over me is starting to creep in. I'm struggling between "It's not that bad, you haven't been sick or done anything embarrassing lately" and "cut it out before it takes over!" I don't exactly want to quit drinking, but I know it's what I have to do. I definitely don't want it to get worse. So, I guess today is another day 1.

Dee74

welcome back littlesparrow

I found those first few thoughts so insidious - it was usually not until months later I realised how deep I was in it again...

D

CaiHong

Thanks littlesparrow,

for posting. I can see how easy it would be to slip into the scenario as the one you described so well. I am only 4 months sober and can see how easy it is to start drinking again.
Did you have a program in place?

CaiHong

CarolD

Welcome back...

least

Welcome back!

Opivotal

Welcome Back LittleSparrow! I've heard many people go down your path. Eventually the alcohol takes over....just as you described. I'm happy it didn't take you years to get back into recovery. Seems like no matter how we try to limit, justify, or try to drink responsibly...alcohol ALWAYS wins. I gave up the fight and found out I'm the one who really won.

I relate it to a bad relationship...everything is wonderful at first, then the trouble starts. Little things ...big things, ultimately nothing is working out. No matter how hard your try, you can't make it work. It's just not for you....time to move on. You can stay in the relationship and torture yourself or give it up and live the life you were meant to.




Best Wishes To You!

shanman422

You described me to a 'T'. I started to think way too much about it too, that I knew that my attempt at "controling" it was out the window before I even started. Which is why I am hear today... I am back and on Day 8!

Keep reading and posting!

AWOL

Welcome back, Little Sparrow.

instant

Little Sparrow
I get a sense that you were wishing it would turn out different than before. The alcohol is causing cravings again (which I could never control). In my experience cravings get worse over time and can make it harder and harder to get sober.

I have also learned in my 140 sober days that in my mind I incorrectly attribute all the "good times" to alcohol. As an example a relaxing BBQ with friends "means" alcohol to me, but most of the good time does not flow from alcohol at all but the rest of the experience.

I wish you well.

Zebra1275

Welcome back. Alcoholism is progressive, it never get's better. One thing in your post really stuck out

sometimes even in the morning before I've left for work,

If you are drinking in the morning, alone, that's a serious issue. It likely won't be long before you drink in the morning, alone on the days you don't need to work. As alcoholism progresses that can quickly lead to drinking around the clock. And the withdrawal from that mess can be very dangerous.

LittleSparrow

Thanks, everyone. It's strange how this time is different from the last time I quit. Before, binges were the problem. During the week, I didn't really think much about drinking. Then I'd go out on the weekend and get blackout drunk. I couldn't control how much I was consuming, no matter how many different ways I tried to plan things out. Once I had two drinks in me, all my plans flew out the window. This time, I haven't been bingeing in the same way, but the pattern still isn't good. I hadn't really thought of it as a craving, but that's exactly what it is. Sneaky, that alcohol is. That bad relationship analogy is spot on. "Things will be different now, it won't be bad like before." It sweet-talks its way back in until it's in control of you. That's exactly why I need to be aware of it now, before it gets even worse. Knowing that it's progressive and seeing the way this problem can shape-shift is scary stuff.

OceanSize

ElvisInASkirt

Thanks for the post LS.

I have 3 months sober myself and I'm never giving into alcohol again as I know that it'll just go back to how it was before and I'll want to get back out of the trap again but it'll be harder and harder.