defyinggravity

I just posted a blog about this, but I figured I'd post a thread too because I feel really alone and y'all are the only ones I can talk to about this. I finally took the step to block my former dealer's number. He's been texting and calling me a lot this week and I just can't take it anymore. I'm annoyed and the temptation is too much. So I blocked him. I know, good step, blahblah. I feel SO bad though. And I've realized the reason I feel so bad is not because I'm concerned about preserving our "friendship" - I'm not worried he'll hate me or anything...I'm afraid because this signifies the end of all of this. This means that I'm really planning to never use drugs again. This means I'm really committing. Which sounds great in theory - in practice it's pretty damn scary.

I guess perhaps I wasn't fully committed before. I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I was keeping that option open for myself. But I need for that not to be an option anymore. And it's not - I'm pretty socially insecure, and I don't like talking to people after I've blatantly ignored them for awhile and this is the second time I've blocked his number (after the first, I made up some excuse about my phone being ridiculous and having trouble with a lot of people - man addiction sucks) so just being me, I know I won't be comfortable ever contacting him again. I don't have a good excuse to explain it this time. I feel like I'm rationalizing some pretty crazy stuff right now - but I really needed to take this step. I've been avoiding it because I was somewhat hoping he'd take the hint and quit bugging me and I wouldn't have to be proactive - but I had to do it...for myself.

I wish this whole process were easier...

Dee74

I think you've done a great thing DG...

but yeah I remember that 'without a net' feeling...

the thing is...you're not alone in this - there's hundreds of people here who have your back

the good news is you'll be just fine...that lonely, kind of panicky feeling? it will fade

D

defyinggravity

I'm just going to have to trust you on this one right now

Thanks for your encouragement.

freshstart57

I had that initial panic too when I decided to quit my DoC. Then, I took a deep breath, let it out slowly and tried to think about this for a minute. I realized that so many things were going to get so much better, lots of small things like more cash in the pocket, happier relationships, better success in most things.

The big immediate benefit I felt was a great big boost to my self esteem. I was so relieved that I was no longer that bum, that I no longer had to do the @##$!~& up stuff that addicts do all the time. I could get back to being that person that I liked most of the time, instead of that guilt-ridden hungover miserable excuse for a human.

Change is scary, true. But this kind of change is euphoric. This is a hard thing to do, and you are just the right person to do it.

soberlicious

DG, your post is so introspective. It seems you are finding things out about yourself that maybe you hadn't realized. That is very cool.

I can't say for sure, but imo it is highly likely that as you grow, you will have absolutely nothing of value in common with this person.

I am so glad you blocked! I know you said you are struggling a bit with this process, but do you feel good? You are taking charge of your life. Things will happen on your terms, not your drug dealer's terms or anyone else's. Do you find that empowering? For me it is.

I agree with Dee. Trust that the feelings will fade

ReadyAndAble

Hi, DG.

That realization was scary for me too. But you know what? That's because it was such a HUGE breakthrough. I'm convinced that giving up any possibility of ever drinking again—fully embracing the concept of "never"—has made all the difference for me.

I do think it's great you blocked the number. And I don't think you need to spend any energy worrying about having to explain it. If you ever do happen to run into him, you could just tell him you quit for good, no further explanation needed. I doubt this is the first time someone has disappeared on him. Occupational hazard, ya know?

Anyway, you're doing great. Like the others, I'm sure you'll be feeling much better about everything soon.

Hevyn

Great job, DG. It was a brave thing to do. We all understand your reluctance to do it - but you will feel better about it as time passes. Be proud for moving forward in such a bold way - it's going to be so worth it.

Anna

DG, you know that you are doing the right thing.

And, I think we all wish that the process would be easier, but it's not. And, it's the very fact that it's so hard, that helps us to grow and recover.

simplex

Definitely the right thing to do. I think the hardest thing for us to do sometimes is tell on ourselves about the ways in which we rationalize. Kudos to you for facing your fear and making a good decision for yourself. Don't forget something that's truly good for you doesn't really need to be explained to someone else.

defyinggravity

I'm not sure...I feel like I did the right thing. I feel like it was a positive step to take. Do I feel good? Not yet. A little relieved because I won't have to see his texts or missed calls all the time (until he borrows a friend's phone and then I'll have to block that number, too). But no, I wouldn't say I felt "good." I feel a sense of loss, actually. I feel as though my "old life" has died and I'm grieving somewhat. I feel kind of like I lost a bit of my identity. I don't know...it's strange.

Dee74

give it a day or two DG

D

wellwisher

I remember very clearly the feelings that accompanied every movement I made as I progressed to living without alcohol - some moments were clear declarations of NO MORE, and other necessary actions I took were done with trepidation and a really hard clutch in the throat. Those "clutch in the throat" experiences, in my experience, were akin to growing pains.

These are the actions that get us to where we want to be.

Hang in there. Not that my opinion matters, because your recovery is your own, but I think it was the right thing to do. I speak knowing full well that hindsight is usually 20/20, but while we go through a process, things may not be so clear.

Keep moving forward with strength and clarity in purpose.

EmeraldRose

I think you'll be just fine. I have faith in you. You took a step in the right direction -into a territory that you are not familiar with. You'll find your way around and you'll like it in your new place. The old place was comfortable but not a productive way to live. Keep moving forward.