What the ?????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 121
What the ?????
Today is 21 days for me of not drinking. I have been purposely avoiding anything that could trigger me. For example I have not been attending any social functions where alcohol is the main focus. I purposefully did not go out tonight for a friends special occasion because I didn't want to put myself in any position where I might be tempted to drink. So my hubby comes back to the house with everyone, and they are drunk/drinking. My sobriety is for me. What he does with his drinking is his business, but to have everybody come over to the house after they have been out bar hopping? I feel so angry right now. Granted these are my friends, but I don't want to be around them under these circumstances. Am I right to feel angry and as if I am being disrespected?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Primrose
I think you have a right to feel angry - but do consider that other people, people who don't have the problems we do, often don't understand.
This used to be fun for you - your husband might not be fully aware how that's changed.
Have you spoken to him about this in any detail?
D
I think you have a right to feel angry - but do consider that other people, people who don't have the problems we do, often don't understand.
This used to be fun for you - your husband might not be fully aware how that's changed.
Have you spoken to him about this in any detail?
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 121
I am not angry at my friends for coming over. They don't really know what's going on. I was polite and I said hello to everyone. I knew people were going to be at the house before they went out tonight. I was okay with that as I was not going to be home. Part of what makes me angry is that he knew the reasons I was not going to go out tonight. I have discussed with him that I at this point in time I choose to not be around people who are drinking as it can be a trigger for me. So for him to bring a bar type atmosphere to my home is quite disturbing.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
I won't delve into your feelings, other than to say that whatever you feel simply is. However, to expect the world at large to accommodate addicted people, who are in the minority, is an exercise in futility. That said, you would certainly be within your rights to tell your husband to keep drunken degenerates out of your own house, but you would need to tell him that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 121
TU and Dee- Thank you so much for your advice and replies. I am so thankful for SR. It is my biggest support in this journey. I usually hold my feelings in and that can lead me to make bad decisions. I am glad I was able to vent my feelings, and I don't feel angry anymore. Feeling angry and resentful will lead me no where. Tomorrow I will have a honest and open chat with the hubby.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,889
It is hard to be released form difficult emotions, especially as being newly sober. Ultimately borders may need to be in place as to what is acceptably behavior that you will tolerate. After all this is your home, your sanctuary so to speak. Your safety is important.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
I wonder if it would help saying to him not to bring drinking into the house until you discuss otherwise. There will be a need for communication in relation to issues like this if you plan on maintaining abstinence
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
Primrose- I get you. I felt exactly the same way in early recovery when my husband did the same thing. It was thoughtless, but not done with intention to hurt me. I was very frustrated. Before we start seeing posts about "what we put them through", etc, that was not my case. He does NOT abuse alcohol and was very comfortable with my drinking. I really felt he should have considered my situation before bring MY friends (who DO abuse alcohol--the very friends I told him I was working on detaching from) back to our house. One doesn't need a Phd in alcoholism to see how wrong that might be. So yes, I was frustrated and upset and wanted to ship him Fed Ex to an alanon meeting to understand me, since I've changed after 23 years and he hasn't-- In other words, he's just doing what he always has, which is okay. This changing can happen with or without alcohol in relationships. It's how you handle it together once you make that distinction that will matter.
Anyway, with communication and time, it should get better! But boy how I can relate to what you were feeling that night.
Anyway, with communication and time, it should get better! But boy how I can relate to what you were feeling that night.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
This sounds like a boundary communication opportunity. There is probably no intentional disrespect involved, so don't read any more into it other than some drunks being boorish, like that has never happened before.
Just talk about it: when you do this, I feel that.
Just talk about it: when you do this, I feel that.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 121
Talked to my husband about my feelings about last night. He understood where I was coming from. We decided that for the meantime there won't be any impromptu parties at the house. I didn't tell him he couldn't have people over if he wanted too, it wouldn't be my place to, since it is his home as well. I did ask that he give me some type of advance warning, so I can make alternate plans or do whatever else I need to do to insure my sobriety, which he was agreeable to. I am glad that we talked, the conversation went really well.
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