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Just married...to a binge alcoholic

Old 09-29-2011, 09:52 PM
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Just married...to a binge alcoholic

Hello...new here. Just googled binge alcoholism bc I'm at a complete loss and here I am. To make a long story short...kinda....I have been with my recently married to husband for a little over two years now and have been dealing with his binge drinking since the beginning. Although, I didn't realize that's what it was in the beginning. I always thought he liked to have a good time on the weekends and then knew how to get it together during the week. Little did I know....

Not long after we had been together (we've known each other for 10 years) we had a baby girl and I thought things would get better. About once a week he would go out and not come back for two to three days. I would be so pregnant and he would be out drinking and not having a care in the world. I feel like I've been begging him to stop for a year and a half and I have gotten so many "I'm sorry's, I'll change, things will be better, I'm never drinking again"....so many excuses I'm sick of it.

Now our baby is almost a year old and nothing has changed except for the fact that we got married. Things were going so good, he hadn't been drinking and I thought this was finally it. Until he talked me into him having a couple celebratory beers while on vacation and then once back home...here we go.

I might even be able to deal with his binge drinking if it wasn't for the way he behaved whenever he drinks (and he doesn't believe he acts this way). He is the meanest person in the world if I say something he doesn't like when he is drinking. He says the most hurtful and hateful things anyone has ever said to me when he drinks. He punches holes in the walls and makes me feel like I'm nothing. When he's sober he says I provoke him and sometimes I think I do. I just can't help not saying anything to him when he's like this, I get so mad!!!!

I just don't know what to do anymore. We've split before for a month and then I went back to the same thing. My family can't stand him and he's definitely driving a wedge between myself and them, he tells me I need to delatch. I don't even know if it's me anymore or if it's him or of it's both of us. And does he really have a problem or is it just me?

His aunt passed away recently and he used that as an excuse to start drinking, but he left me and my daughter at home at 11 at night to go drink with one of his friends. He said he would be right back but he didn't come home until 3am and passed out drunk on the couch. Then, when I left for school he continued to drink and took off before I came home. He then decided to hunt me down at my parent's house and walk right in and yell at my mom and me. He then proceeded to peel out for like 5 minutes in front of their house and leave my mom ugly voicemails. I feel like I'm going crazy!!!! What do I do?

Currently I am staying somewhere else while he is still out drinking...tomorrow we were supposed to go get an interlock device put on his vehicle so that he could finally get his license back.....I'm not thinking this is happening. I want to stay away from him and I want him to get sober but I don't think he wants to fix himself, but I do love him.

Sorry if this was too long....
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Old 09-29-2011, 10:00 PM
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It certainly sounds like your husband has a problem, so you shouldn't question your own judgment there. If he doesn't want to quit, you will have to draw your lines in the sand, so to speak. There is a Friends and Family forum here for people in your situation, though, and others may be able to give you some better advice.
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Old 09-29-2011, 10:10 PM
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I am so sorry you needed to find this Site, but I am glad you did. There is a lot of good information contained in the "stickies" at the top of the page. Get comfortable and read and read and read.

And does he really have a problem or is it just me?
Well, he is binge drinking, and sounds like he has had a DUI, and sounds like he is driving without his license, and sounds like his temper is a big problem, and sounds like he wants to isolate you from your family....
Yes, he has a problem. There are lots of places for him to get help, if he wants to, and if he wants to get help, then he has to do it. Not you.

Do you have a problem?
Yes, you have a husband you want to stay away from because of his binge drinking and temper. There is help for you too. There are the stickies here, and also old threads of stories of our lives. You'll be surprised how similar they all sound.

And there is Alanon. It is for the friends and families of alcoholics. It is a program for us to learn about ourselves and how to learn to cope with the relationship with our alcoholic.

Something we learn is:
You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure it.

Stay safe, and read and try Alanon (it's suggested you go 6 times to a couple of different groups until you make up your mind).

Wishing you and your little one all the best.
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Old 09-29-2011, 10:15 PM
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I wanted to say Welcome also.

I was with my husband just over two years when I began to realize how scary his use of alcohol was. He punched a window, broke chairs etc.

I agree with everything wellnowwhat wrote. I also did a lot of individual counseling in addition to Al-Anon.
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Old 09-29-2011, 10:26 PM
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I'm sorry you're going through this.

TU is right—you'll get a lot of support from other folks who have gone through similar experiences on the Friends and Family forum.
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Old 09-30-2011, 07:02 AM
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My wife took a video of me drunk saying mean things to her. When I saw it the next morning, I was totally horrified, embarrassed, ashamed. I realized booze destroyed me and left a jerk in my place. I am sober now and the memory of that video keeps me cognizant of the very real danger of my drinking.

While this could be dangerous, depending on the drunk, if you video your husband so that you can "remember what he says and work on it", the next day he may change his tune when he sees a complete a**hole using his body to harangue the mother of his child.

That and you will also then have proof of abuse.
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Old 09-30-2011, 08:36 AM
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Welcome to SR!

Wow, you've put up with this for 10 years already. Maybe you should get to al anon. Maybe find your local domestic abuse office. Take a class there. It's time to take care of you! I've been where you are. Best wishes!
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Old 09-30-2011, 08:43 AM
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For some good advice from people in your situation I'd suggest you post this in Friends and Families forum.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 09-30-2011, 09:02 AM
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Welcome!

I hope that you will find support for yourself.
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