Abuse and alcohol
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 103
Abuse and alcohol
Hi, I am looking for some advice. This is very long - if I need to move it to another thread, please let me know. I am 54, no children of my own, regrettably. I've been married to an abusive alcoholic, 64, for 10 years. We had a quick courtship and I fell for the facade - charming, warm, generous, did not seem to have an alcohol problem, but my fault for not seeing that. He was widowed and has three grown children, which has been very difficult, particularly with one very screwed up daughter, who is more like his wife than I am. He rarely stands up for me, but in recent years my relationships with them have improved a lot. I will get back to that. My husband's late wife was also an alcoholic, I found out from others later. He still owns a company, which was successful, but has not worked much over the last 8 years, and he often just drinks and watches TV. He does not think he is an alcoholic and never will. He blames me for his drinking.
We traveled and had some good times in the first few years, although the abuse was there as far as not standing up for me and always defending his kids, even in very hurtful circumstances. Although i had a career when we married, I was ill for a few months, and he said we would travel and I had no need to work. Because I wasn't well, I agreed, but regretted it later, I had worked my whole life. I wanted to work again after a year, and I did, but not consistently, as my career often involved contract work. We moved to a somewhat isolated area 8 years ago, against my wishes, that is another story, because I was lied to about a permanent move. I have never been able to find a steady full-time job since then, and have worked mostly part-time. I am not working now and the market here is dismal. I lost my career and myself in this marriage, and I am to blame for letting it go on so long, but have always felt trapped due to money and working, but also because of extreme emotional and verbal abuse. It has steadily worn me down to the point that I have no confidence or self-esteem, and am constantly anxious.
It has gotten to the point that I am so nervous all the time that I lost my license in August for driving erratically on a prescription drug that I had not taken before, VERY unlike me, and I stopped the drug immediately. I am not an addict in any way, but so nervous that I often make poor decisions. My fault, not his, but I do believe it stems from the abuse, which has only escalated since. I was not arrested, but it has been a nightmare and I am still in shock over it. There is a new law here, and I have to take a road test in a few weeks to get my license back, and you get one shot and then an appeal, and that is it. I am only able to drive with an instructor until that time in their car, and am so afraid that I will fail, despite the fact that it is a fairly simple test, but so much more pressure. I could never live here without my license, or anywhere else for that matter, since I would be giving up my freedom.
I have been trapped in the house for nearly two months, and my husband refuses to drive me places, except for a few times to the store, would not even take me when my father was very sick in the hospital recently. I know that along with the abuse, he does not want to drive because of his drinking. He does not go out much and only to the city when really necessary. So I have been using some public transportation, but I live a long way from the city and from many of my family and friends, and it is very limiting. He was supposed to pick me up at a stop recently, and never came.
Recently my husband's mother in law, who I was very close to, passed away. She was my friend and ally, and knew that my husband was an alcoholic and that he treated me badly, but she was very discreet, and loved my husband. He was good to her. My name was left out of the obituary (his late wife was in, as she should be, but it stated "and her husband..", I am also left out of all subsequent information related to her death, socially, emails, etc. I am devastated over her loss and then all of this, and now his children are treating me badly, as well. I know she would not have wanted this and quite a few people told me that they were horrified over the obituary. It is almost like my relationship with her never existed, although he always acknowledged it positively before, and now my relationships with the rest of his family are also very damaged from whatever he has said about me.
Today for the third time, he refused to take me to a medical appointment, with more insults, threats, etc., and I have cancelled several appointments. I am sure now that he does not want me to get my license back. It is just too much. To be fair, it is my fault that he has to pay the majority of the bills. I have not contributed financially as much as I should have, and although my location and the abuse are the main reasons, I have to take blame for his frustration, but not for the abuse. I did have a good career years ago, but at this point it is unlikely that I could even do contracting, too many changes in my field, my age, etc. I have no access to financial records, and my name is only on the checking account, nothing else, it is all for his kids. This all sounds so pathetic, and I know I should have left long ago.
I have no money for an attorney. Getting my license back is as important as my sanity. The test is here and I have to go through a driving school (very extreme, but there is a new law in my state, too complicated) so I cannot take it at another location, or I would stay somewhere away from here. Is it possible for me to withdraw money from the checking account to pay for a lawyer and stay somewhere, and get emergency temporary orders? I don't even know where I could go nearby except a hotel, which would cost a fortune for the few weeks before the test. I am not working or I would have left much sooner.
Any feedback would be appreciated. I feel that I am in the midst of a breakdown after these last few months.
We traveled and had some good times in the first few years, although the abuse was there as far as not standing up for me and always defending his kids, even in very hurtful circumstances. Although i had a career when we married, I was ill for a few months, and he said we would travel and I had no need to work. Because I wasn't well, I agreed, but regretted it later, I had worked my whole life. I wanted to work again after a year, and I did, but not consistently, as my career often involved contract work. We moved to a somewhat isolated area 8 years ago, against my wishes, that is another story, because I was lied to about a permanent move. I have never been able to find a steady full-time job since then, and have worked mostly part-time. I am not working now and the market here is dismal. I lost my career and myself in this marriage, and I am to blame for letting it go on so long, but have always felt trapped due to money and working, but also because of extreme emotional and verbal abuse. It has steadily worn me down to the point that I have no confidence or self-esteem, and am constantly anxious.
It has gotten to the point that I am so nervous all the time that I lost my license in August for driving erratically on a prescription drug that I had not taken before, VERY unlike me, and I stopped the drug immediately. I am not an addict in any way, but so nervous that I often make poor decisions. My fault, not his, but I do believe it stems from the abuse, which has only escalated since. I was not arrested, but it has been a nightmare and I am still in shock over it. There is a new law here, and I have to take a road test in a few weeks to get my license back, and you get one shot and then an appeal, and that is it. I am only able to drive with an instructor until that time in their car, and am so afraid that I will fail, despite the fact that it is a fairly simple test, but so much more pressure. I could never live here without my license, or anywhere else for that matter, since I would be giving up my freedom.
I have been trapped in the house for nearly two months, and my husband refuses to drive me places, except for a few times to the store, would not even take me when my father was very sick in the hospital recently. I know that along with the abuse, he does not want to drive because of his drinking. He does not go out much and only to the city when really necessary. So I have been using some public transportation, but I live a long way from the city and from many of my family and friends, and it is very limiting. He was supposed to pick me up at a stop recently, and never came.
Recently my husband's mother in law, who I was very close to, passed away. She was my friend and ally, and knew that my husband was an alcoholic and that he treated me badly, but she was very discreet, and loved my husband. He was good to her. My name was left out of the obituary (his late wife was in, as she should be, but it stated "and her husband..", I am also left out of all subsequent information related to her death, socially, emails, etc. I am devastated over her loss and then all of this, and now his children are treating me badly, as well. I know she would not have wanted this and quite a few people told me that they were horrified over the obituary. It is almost like my relationship with her never existed, although he always acknowledged it positively before, and now my relationships with the rest of his family are also very damaged from whatever he has said about me.
Today for the third time, he refused to take me to a medical appointment, with more insults, threats, etc., and I have cancelled several appointments. I am sure now that he does not want me to get my license back. It is just too much. To be fair, it is my fault that he has to pay the majority of the bills. I have not contributed financially as much as I should have, and although my location and the abuse are the main reasons, I have to take blame for his frustration, but not for the abuse. I did have a good career years ago, but at this point it is unlikely that I could even do contracting, too many changes in my field, my age, etc. I have no access to financial records, and my name is only on the checking account, nothing else, it is all for his kids. This all sounds so pathetic, and I know I should have left long ago.
I have no money for an attorney. Getting my license back is as important as my sanity. The test is here and I have to go through a driving school (very extreme, but there is a new law in my state, too complicated) so I cannot take it at another location, or I would stay somewhere away from here. Is it possible for me to withdraw money from the checking account to pay for a lawyer and stay somewhere, and get emergency temporary orders? I don't even know where I could go nearby except a hotel, which would cost a fortune for the few weeks before the test. I am not working or I would have left much sooner.
Any feedback would be appreciated. I feel that I am in the midst of a breakdown after these last few months.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
If your name is on the checking account, you can legally withdraw funds from the account. Is there any way you could open a separate account in your name only (preferably at a different bank) and have the funds put there? That way only you would have access to them. The trick would be to be sure to take out all you'll need because once he finds out that you've taken money out of the account, he might open his own account and remove the rest of the funds and you won't have access to any more money.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you can find a way to get out of that mess. Do you have any family members who could help you? My heart goes out to you.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you can find a way to get out of that mess. Do you have any family members who could help you? My heart goes out to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I hope that you take back control of your life.
If I were you I would take what money I could get (from the joint checking account) and go to an area where you can find a job and where there is public transportation. If you have a friend or relative in such an area it would be very helpful for you. You need to reclaim responsibility for your life and you can move forward.
If I were you I would take what money I could get (from the joint checking account) and go to an area where you can find a job and where there is public transportation. If you have a friend or relative in such an area it would be very helpful for you. You need to reclaim responsibility for your life and you can move forward.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm really sorry for the situation you find yourself in.
We have a great sticky post full of links that I think you should read, rara
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Noone should have to put up with abuse - ever.
D
We have a great sticky post full of links that I think you should read, rara
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Noone should have to put up with abuse - ever.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 103
Suki, thank you. That is good advice. I do have people who can help, but it is complicated, distance, etc. I need to think clearly and am not doing so at the moment, thank you for your thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Don't confuse abuse and alcoholism. my soon to be ex is both an alcoholic (i think) and an abuser. But the two are separate. He was and is abusive without alcohol.
Having said that, you can withdraw money if the checking account is a joint one, no problem. In most states, there is no freeze on funds until and unless one party files for divorce.
i wish you the best. This is no way to live. i did it for 9 years. I am a different person today, 7 months after leaving. I have a life again and I am living. You can find the same for yourself.
Having said that, you can withdraw money if the checking account is a joint one, no problem. In most states, there is no freeze on funds until and unless one party files for divorce.
i wish you the best. This is no way to live. i did it for 9 years. I am a different person today, 7 months after leaving. I have a life again and I am living. You can find the same for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Originally Posted by rara 
Thank you Dee, I read the info. I believe others have said here that they would almost rather that the abuse was physical rather than verbal/emotional.
emotional/verbal/psychological abuse is insidious. And it is hard to know it is abuse, and even when you do, and you feel it is, it makes you question and doubt your judgment and sanity. It is pure he ll. plain and simple.
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