So here goes....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 69
So here goes....
Day 2 (of this attempt)
47 year old, married with two kids (all blissfully unaware of the scale of my alcohol dependence due to all the agonising lies and deception I have to commit each day to keep them blissfully unaware...)
Manic depressive - have been for years but despite medication each episode gets worse - which unfortunately the family are aware of (not so easy to hide when Mummy changes in an instant from cuddly old lady, to raging lunatic, to someone who is too depressed even to get out of bed).
Latterly downing almost an entire bottle of spirits a day (& yes they still have not realised - I have a terrifying ability to hold my drink) chain smoker and caffeine addict - but one addiction at a time - let's start with the alcohol!
I have "known" for years that the only way to go is sobriety, but always at the back of my mind there was this wee small voice saying "c'mon, you can control it - just cut out the spirits & it will all be fine - how can you possibly want to give up wine, champagne etc?" Well, actually I don't want to give up wine & champagne - I love good food, and what could be nicer than a decent bottle of something to accompany it - BUT - the wee small voice was/is wrong. I cannot control it & given the choice of either fine wines - or - not ruining the lives of those I love, let alone my health, if it's not too late, (I won't be able to keep it secret for much longer if I carry on like this) - I will chose my family any time.
Why does it have to be so bloody hard though!
There - I've said it!
47 year old, married with two kids (all blissfully unaware of the scale of my alcohol dependence due to all the agonising lies and deception I have to commit each day to keep them blissfully unaware...)
Manic depressive - have been for years but despite medication each episode gets worse - which unfortunately the family are aware of (not so easy to hide when Mummy changes in an instant from cuddly old lady, to raging lunatic, to someone who is too depressed even to get out of bed).
Latterly downing almost an entire bottle of spirits a day (& yes they still have not realised - I have a terrifying ability to hold my drink) chain smoker and caffeine addict - but one addiction at a time - let's start with the alcohol!
I have "known" for years that the only way to go is sobriety, but always at the back of my mind there was this wee small voice saying "c'mon, you can control it - just cut out the spirits & it will all be fine - how can you possibly want to give up wine, champagne etc?" Well, actually I don't want to give up wine & champagne - I love good food, and what could be nicer than a decent bottle of something to accompany it - BUT - the wee small voice was/is wrong. I cannot control it & given the choice of either fine wines - or - not ruining the lives of those I love, let alone my health, if it's not too late, (I won't be able to keep it secret for much longer if I carry on like this) - I will chose my family any time.
Why does it have to be so bloody hard though!
There - I've said it!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome birchgreen!
I can certainly relate to your post..... It's quite a job to make sure that everyone thinks we're sober when we're not! I think I prided myself sometimes on how well I hid everything.
At the very end of my drinking I was having a bottle of wine most nights. I decided I just couldn't do it anymore - the anxiety and depression got really bad and it was hard just to get out of bed. I'm so grateful for this site and for getting sober, I can't tell you.
You deserve better and it sounds like you know that. Keep reading and posting...... You can do this!:ghug3
I can certainly relate to your post..... It's quite a job to make sure that everyone thinks we're sober when we're not! I think I prided myself sometimes on how well I hid everything.
At the very end of my drinking I was having a bottle of wine most nights. I decided I just couldn't do it anymore - the anxiety and depression got really bad and it was hard just to get out of bed. I'm so grateful for this site and for getting sober, I can't tell you.
You deserve better and it sounds like you know that. Keep reading and posting...... You can do this!:ghug3
I got sober for good almost two years ago and haven't regretted a minute of my new life.Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Welcome to SR Birchgreen
I remember the effort I used to expend to keep my drinking secret was enormous...then I felt like I needed a drink to cope with all that effort...it really was a vicious circle.
You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here though.
Good for you for making the choice for you and your family and for seeing the lie that wine is any different to liquor. Alcohol is alcohol.
I recommend you see a Dr tho - if you've been drinking hard and often, it's the best way to go - detox can sometimes be problematic for some of us - it's best to be safe.
D
I remember the effort I used to expend to keep my drinking secret was enormous...then I felt like I needed a drink to cope with all that effort...it really was a vicious circle.
You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here though.
Good for you for making the choice for you and your family and for seeing the lie that wine is any different to liquor. Alcohol is alcohol.
I recommend you see a Dr tho - if you've been drinking hard and often, it's the best way to go - detox can sometimes be problematic for some of us - it's best to be safe.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 69
Thanks everyone for your input. Dee74 - I know I should go and see my doctor, but I am already on some medication to help with cravings & doing ok so far physically and mentally - long may that continue... I also have an excellent therapist... I am just struggling with going to the doctor for perhaps the rather unhelpful reason that I am too ashamed of how bad I have got, and for fear that he might find something I cannot handle, or look at me with pity/disgust - pathetic excuse I know!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
Welcome! Seeing a Dr. is always a good idea. What are you doing as a program to quit drinking? At 47 I assume you have a long history of drinking, trying to quit by yourself just through your own will power is very hard.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Bloody hard is right!!
Getting and staying sober is no small feat, it's like wrestling with grizzlies every day, and occasionally they take a huge bite out of your butt, lol.
The kids probably know more than you think, they may not know what's causing the behavior, but they sure pick up on when mommy's off her rocker, lol.
It's hard, absolutely, but you can do this, the evidence is in and your name is on the list of those who will do this, for yourself, and your family. Yu just gotta believe!
Have you tried AA or any other support groups? It's nice to have an ear to bend when our minds start playing the old tapes.
Getting and staying sober is no small feat, it's like wrestling with grizzlies every day, and occasionally they take a huge bite out of your butt, lol.
The kids probably know more than you think, they may not know what's causing the behavior, but they sure pick up on when mommy's off her rocker, lol.
It's hard, absolutely, but you can do this, the evidence is in and your name is on the list of those who will do this, for yourself, and your family. Yu just gotta believe!
Have you tried AA or any other support groups? It's nice to have an ear to bend when our minds start playing the old tapes.
Rob
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: piedmont sc
Posts: 4
Life itself is not easy, but think about how much better it will be with out the lies and deception, you free yourself from that weight. I've been sober 6 yrs. and on a liver transplant list for 5. My higher power came in the form of 2 very good doctors, who treated me for a disease and have stablized my condition. see a doctor and be completely honest, alcoholism is a disease.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 69
Hi Zebra - as you rightly suggest at my great age (!) I have been drinking for a long time - but it only started becoming a problem after we moved from home (Scotland) to continental Europe. Depressive episodes became more and more frequent and as many do, I took solace in the bottle. My "program" is currently medication and a psychiatrist, but now that I have found SR it might become a bit less lonely!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 284
Welcome birchgreen. Almost 47 year old married mom of 2 here. Sober 1 year on 10/10/11. Never in a million years would have thought it possible. 1.5 bottles of chardonnay and 10 cigs per night for 15 years. No cigs or alcohol since 10/10/10.
No AA, just SR every night and reading a lot of sobriety books. And getting down on my knees and asking my higher power for strength to abstain. And I am a former atheist. Also, I keep really busy, work full time, etc. no time for navel contemplation. If I can do it, so can you. In one month's time with no depressants poisoning your brain, see how your mental state is - it will be better.
No AA, just SR every night and reading a lot of sobriety books. And getting down on my knees and asking my higher power for strength to abstain. And I am a former atheist. Also, I keep really busy, work full time, etc. no time for navel contemplation. If I can do it, so can you. In one month's time with no depressants poisoning your brain, see how your mental state is - it will be better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 69
I know that people swear by AA & maybe I am totally naive to think I can beat this thing without it, but there is only 1 english language session here a week, and this is a very small ex-pat community - it would not be that Anonymous! I'm not strong enough for that yet.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 281
Welcome to SR!!
It's extremely hard, which is why we are all here for the love and support that we so badly need! I am on Day 4 (again) and need (and want) to succeed this time!!
Glad your here... keep reading and posting!
It's extremely hard, which is why we are all here for the love and support that we so badly need! I am on Day 4 (again) and need (and want) to succeed this time!!
Glad your here... keep reading and posting!
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