A different world?
 

One of the very big issues in my life and one of the reasons I always end up going back to drinking is because my husband is still a heavy drinker. When I'm trying to get sober and am not drinking, it's like we don't have a relationship anymore. No connection. No intimacy. It's not like we are fighting. We are just completely neutral. In two different worlds. A marriage cannot survive very long like that. I don't think he's ever coming over to my world, so I always end up going back to his. Which is not being true to myself. All I've been for 20 yrs is a mom. One of my children has brain cancer and I have lupus and am unable to work. So to not have my marriage terrifies me. I keep going back to his world out of fear and that's a horrible way to live. Does anyone have any experience with this or any suggestions? I really don't want to drink again, but I feel like it's inevitable at some point.

Wow. That is harsh. I have no direct experience with your situation but I know it must be really tough. I would find it a huge struggle to stay sober in a house with a partner who drinks.

I think my only advice, which is based on nothing concrete, would be to try and talk to your husband, tell him how his drinking affects you and see if you can bring him round to your way of thinking. Maybe if you were both sober for a long time you might be able to rekindle some of the feelings that you have lost for each other. Does he know you are trying to stop drinking?

Thank you. Yes he knows I am trying to stop drinking. :(. It is very hard. Thank you so much for responding I really appreciate it!

I think getting sober always involves a lot of changes Eliasson - both for us and for our partners.

You know what's best for you - I think you deserve to give that a chance.

I think we need to give it more than a few weeks - this is not some fad diet or something, it's the rest of our lives.

Try not to let fears derail you - like I've said before many members here deal with spouses who drink, or spouses who are not especially supportive - I'm sure you're hear from them. It's not necessarily a dealbreaker :)

None of us here would be in recovery if we felt we were worse off with the deal :)

I think this is the right path for you, Eliasson.
D

Thank you. All I can do is cry right now. Thank you.

My husband still drinks though not as much nowadays. He never had the problems I do with drinking. We also had really gnarly marital problems similar to yours when I started to get sober.

We couldn't make any progress on that until I got some sobriety under my belt. So I had to put my head down and work on my own sobriety no matter what else was going on around me. There would be no "me" left to work on let alone a marriage if I kept on drinking so trying to do anything with my life without getting sober first was pointless. We did separate for a time but we needed time apart to help us detach from the codependent way we had of coexisting.

We're so much better now - back together and working on making good memories instead of bad ones.

Sorry you are going through this. It's a lonely place to be - feels like you are the only one going through this. Rest assured we're not the first and won't be the last having marital issues. I found this book to be critical when I was in so much pain about my marriage: 'The Language of Letting Go' by Melanie Beattie.

Take care of yourself.

Much love.

Eliasson, welcome.
They say one can quit having a partner that drinks. They say that it is your own journey that is important and everyone has a different thought process behind it. They say that you can live in a world where the other spouse remains a drinker.
They also say that trying to quit in a house where another is drinking is like trying lick you elbow. Impossible.
The decision of ((your)) life is up to you. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Heck where do you want to be in 5 months? If I were in a house right now with a spouse that drank I would have resumed drinking. Period! My heart would have weakened, my strength would have deminished.
I was in a house with a spouse that didn't drink and I still drank. So, for me...didn't matter. My then husband and I had enough problems that we could amicabley split up and I moved. I remained a drinker until I lost my new job because of it (I was a stay at home mom for most of my 29 years of mothering)...I quit drinking on January 28th and find that quitting alone...and for good...was easiest done alone. I found support, friends and things that made me realize that I was running in circles all that time.
Yes, I miss the company, the security, the thought of knowing that someone else was there BUT I would have never quit. I have had a good job for the past almost 6 months and I rent a house and life is good.
I understand that your situation is different BUT sometimes thinking outside the box -not just black and white -helps. Have you seeked treatment outside of your comfort zone? Have you discussed this with your spouse? Is he supportive to your sobriety?
I understand how scary it can be if we step up into the world onto a new level -but had I not changed everything -and I mean everything...I would be a home-based closet drunk for the next 30 years, as well.
Wishing you peace and strength.

Melody Beattie. Not Melanie.... Sorry and thanks Dee!

Thank you for all the support and wonderful suggestions! I know I need to be true to myself no matter what, put my sobriety first, and trust that all is going to be ok eventually. I really don't want to go back to drinking just to save my marriage, I lived in such darkness. Now I'm gaining a little self respect, and my kids respect me more. I have "The Language of letting go"! I should read it. I'm humbled and amazed at the level of support and encouragement I get from everyone at this site. You have truly talked me down off that ledge where I was seriously considering going back to drinking so I could relate better to my husband. I don't have to do that today. Thank u from the bottom of my heart!!

Great insights and experience from the above posters. I would just like to say I wish you the best in your sobriety Eliasson, I feel you really want to stop and if you go back to drinking you won't be happy.

All the best
CaiHong

I don't have any experience with your particular issues but I do have enough general experience to know that your answers lie in setting boundries and learning where and when to use the principle of Detachment.

Try using the F&FoA forum and Al-Anon to find people that have been in your shoes.