Jil

I think I'm dealing with depression. The problem is that whenever I go talk to a psychologist, I never know what to say. I just feel like it's super awkward. They look at me, wait for me to say something, I don't. Then they ask me some question that I have no idea how to answer. I have problems verbally relaying my feelings, and I have memory problems so I never remember anything that I have felt/done.

Lately I have been feeling like there is no point to my life. I'm not suicidal and have no intentions of hurting myself. But I think life is about family, friends, love and happiness. My family life is f*cked. I don't make friends well- no one ever seems to want to be MY friend. I'm the kid that gets picked last. I can't love right now because I have no feelings. And obviously I'm not happy.

When I used to drink, I would have great nights followed by many mornings where I hated my actions, and had to reconcile with many people. At least I was happy then. I went out, socialized, enjoyed myself. I had motivation to do other things too, like do well in school. Now I don't even care about university.

Life is boring and lonely. And I don't know how to fix it.

AndreTT

Im also feeling isolated, lonely, sad...It's hard to be young and not be able to do things people our age do. But I dont wanna fall back to the old ways
It's gonna be worse

eJoshua

If you are an alcoholic then I can assure you that you were not happy when you were drinking. Even if you were happy at times, I can guarantee that you won't be happy if you start drinking again.

It sounds like you are stuck in the cycle of depression, which unfortunately requires a lot of work to break out of. If you haven't been able to discuss your emotions with a therapist then you obviously have not met the right therapist yet. You certainly don't seem to have problems explaining how you feel, as evidenced by this post.

I hope things get better for you, but remember that you can't sit around waiting for your life to get better -- you have to work on it.

Dee74

Hi Jil

if you think you're depressed, you probably are - you'd know better than anyone else.

The way forward is to get some help, I think - there's nothing for you in going back to drinking - drinking is what bought you to SR in the first place, Jil.

I know reaching out is just about the last thing you feel like doing...but if you have trouble talking to Drs etc...what about writing it out as you have here?

D

Terminally Unique

Jil,

I don't know your history, but consider that you may be romanticizing the past. I know that I had a nasty habit of forgetting the bad stuff, and only remembering the good. If you are depressed and are having trouble articulating this to a therapist, I think that Dee's suggestion to write it all out beforehand is excellent.

TigerLili

I don't have any advice for you, just a hug

Early sobriety is hard work and not necessarily very rewarding. Blergh. Keep posting and reading and hang in there.

littlefish

I know SO many people in the rooms who discovered they had various mental health issues: depression, bipolar, etc and it was only in sobriety that they learned they had been self medicating these problems with alcohol.

There is a great chapter in "Living Sober" that talks about the importance of seeking professional help for outside issues, not related to alcoholism.

Perhaps you may need to find a new psychiatrist or an addictions therapist, or check out some outpatient programs. If you are not in a recovery program already, that might also be a good route. There is AA and non-faith based alternatives to AA.

It might be hard to start going to recovery groups if you are shy, but many people overcame their shyness and now have many friends through recovery groups.

Anna

I agree with Dee,

I get nervous when seeing a dr, so I write down the details that I want to tell my dr, so I and keep the paper with me. It helps to be able to refer to it when I'm speaking to him. If depression is your problem, there are meds that might be able to help you. And, in the end, you might find out that you're not as social as you would like to be. That's what I found out, and I'm okay with it.

defyinggravity

I also agree with Dee...there have been several occasions on which I felt as though something was too difficult for me to tell my therapist, so I wrote about it and just handed it to her. Also, during the week, I keep a list of important things about which I want to talk to her...that helps me remember things that I need to say. A therapist can help you learn to talk about and express your feelings, too (I'm still workin' on that one )

I'm sorry you're feeling so unhappy right now - I've been there, I can relate. I hope you get to feeling better soon...when you do, you'll be grateful you remained sober. Good luck and hang in there!

Threshold

I'm in a very similar place this morning. As I went through my morning routine, I wondered why I am obsessing again about using one of the things I'd laid down some months ago. And feel myself struggling with it, and berating myself for thinking about it. I know the answer is to surrender it, accept that it's still an issue, but that struggling only keeps further engaged with the issue. Surrendering my obsession, letting myself accept that I don't need it anymore, are wiser than staying in the mindset of needing it but refusing to let myself have it.

Neutrality is what I am seeking in regard to this particular thing.

My life, right now, feels too staid. I miss the thrill I associate with that particular thing. I am definitely focusing only on the 'fun' aspects and conveniently forgetting or playing down the dangerous aspects.

I want to feel differently than I feel now. That is my real issue. But it's time for me to accept that sometimes I am going to feel pretty quiet inside, and learn to sit with that, realize that it's a valid state of being and that there are things I can accomplish in this quiet state, that I cannot accomplish when I am revved up. That this feeling, that I am unused to and uncomfortable with, holds gifts and opportunities for me.

I am in a depression, on meds and seeing a dr. I am working on my issues from a variety of approaches.

I completely understand how you are feeling today, and I am asking myself, what the real issue is. Do I not want to be sober? Is my understanding of sobriety accurate? Is my issue really with sobriety, or am I "blaming" sobriety for some other lack or fear in myself?

I don't want to turn to active addiction. It did not address my issues and fears, it didn't even do a good job of hiding or quelling them. I see that a quick fix isn't the answer. I am working a recovery program, and on days like this, I ask myself if it's working at all, if it's worth it.

I know it is, but I want to FEEL other than what I feel. Today I am turning towards meditation, instead of "medication", by "medication" I mean the self/false one of using my additive actions and substances. I am trying something different to deal with discomfort. I am seeking inner strength and peace rather than something from the outside to change the way I feel.

I hope you find some peace and serenity this day, I hope we both find some.

MemphisBlues

Depression sucks. Everyone gets down -- situational depression, rational grieving, loss -- and depression in early recovery goes together like peanut butter and jam.

Then there's depression: irrational, no real reason, constant, unrelenting, that feeling of hopelessness, worthlessness and helplessness that's like a thousand-pound blanket.

So we see shrinks. They try to talk us out of it. They layer chemical solution after chemical solution on our brains, stand back, and see what the result is.

And we just suffer.

Sucks.

Being able to articulate that feeling is the hardest thing in the world. It's irrational, so how can I rationally explain it.

I, like you, find verbalizing it doesn't do it justice. I really think you should try writing it out as you did so eloquently in your posting.Give that to your shrink.

And another thing: Just because a shrink has a shingle on the wall doesn't mean they are any good. Get another.

I do know this: After 20 years of intense therapy -- chemical, rational emotive therapy, cognitive behavioral -- when I got sober, the depression was the worst it had ever been.

It's taken a year of sobriety to begin to see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, but it's more like sunlight shining through the crescent shape of a manhole cover over a stinking sewer, but at least it's brighter than the abyss I've been in.

Hang. Don't use. Don't drink. Get the right antidepressant. Fire your doctor and get another and if that schmuck doesn't work or can't get you to verbalize where your head is at get another. Dig your fingernails into the side of the bed and just hold on. Sleep all day. Stare at the stars. Cry. Scream, Wail. Just don't use.

It's a sweet pain, one that no one that hasn't been there can understand, but it does, indeed, get better.

And there's something to be said about self pity and depression being pride in reverse. Paradoxical, but I think I'm beginning to understand that.

freshstart57

MemphisBlues, you have described where I have been better than I ever could. Well done. Thanks for putting that into words that we can identify with.

lostfound

I agree with those who have said to write things out when seeing a doctor. I always forget what to say!

eddie73

Hi Jil,

Depression sucks, I have it. But I am managing despite it. I am not saying that life will be a breeze ( I have relapsed drinking several times over the past 3 years) but it will be managable with out alcohol.

You mentioned you are not suicidal. You mean you are not suicidal yet. You will eventually be if you dont quit drinking. This is a 100% probability.

LoftyIdeals

Hi Jil,

Congrats on your sobriety. I read your initial blogs from February. You should go back and read them too. I first got sober in college, at age 20, after a 30 day rehab for drinking, coke and pot. I'm now 48 yrs old and 46 days sober from drinking, ritalin, and xanax. Addiction is addiction. We can't escape it. Not being normal can, by itself, be depressing. But, if I knew what I know now when I was your age, I would like to think I'd see the opportunity to build a sober life at such a young age as a true gift from God. I know I wish I had those years and brain cells back.

We alcoholics are not like normal people. Actually, I think we are more fortunate. We get to see life as it is. Sometimes this is good, and sometimes bad. But, it's almost always real. That gives us a rare vantage point in life, and unique perspective.

I hope you'll be able to turn your sadness into a positive energy in your sobriety. I know it is hard; I was one and a half years completely sober at a party college, and was often extremely lonely. The only advice I can offer is to believe in yourself. For me, that means to also believe in God, and to appreciate the life He has given me.

Work through this. Talk it out with a therapist. Find a young, non-drinking social circle; I know it's hard, but they are out there. It will be so worth it. You are young and beautiful and have an awesome life to look forward to!

Aiden

I was in the same place a while back and I was lucky to find a therapist who knew about AA. He suggested that I worked the 12 steps in their entirety and I was surprised when I had a spiritual experience during step 9. My life changed and I started enjoying myself sober. Why not go to a strong AA meeting and find the happiest person in the room, ask them to sponsor you through the steps, do everything that is asked of you from the book Alcoholics Anonymous and buckle up for the wildest journey imaginable. Or you could go and get a six pack and cry in the street

Jil

I think writing it down will help too. I guess I shouldn't have said that I was happier. But life was so much less boring. Everyone I know is going out tonight to sports games and for birthdays. I just feel like I have no life and nothing excites me. I'm so lonely and I'm craving a drink. I know I won't drink. I had my first dream about drinking last night since getting sober, it was so weird. I was ashamed- if I felt that in my dream, I know I would feel it for real. But why does life seem so uneventful and pointless without alcohol?

Dee74

I think if life is boring it's up to us to change that Jil

If all your friends are drinkers maybe it's time to find some non drinking buddies to do things with?

D

Jil

I can't find friends, that's the problem. Like I said in my original post, I'm the kid that gets picked last. I go to school, dance, work. I have a life. But it doesn't have any excitement. Generally if I ask someone to do something, I get shut down. Everything is so..blah and I cant think of one thing that would make me excited.

artsoul

I think everyone gets bored (my kids starting complaining of it when they were in grade school!). The problem with us is that we immediately want to run away from it. I really like what Threshold said about learning to accept our feelings and how a quiet state really can be a positive thing.

Our feelings are there for a reason, so rather than judging them and pushing them down, we can get some useful information from them. Is some part of our lives dissatisfying? Why do we feel bored? Do we have excess energy we need to get rid off? Could it be depression? etc. etc.

I've been sober about 16 months and I'm still getting used to being with myself!! But I can at least say that I feel good about myself today and that's something I didn't have much of when I was drinking.

I does get easier, too......