I think I belong here maybe
 

I'm in my late 30s, have been drinking since I was 14. Most of my life it has been controlled drinking, if excessive. There have been periods, in years far past now- where I lost control. Not now though.

I'm a good drunk. A happy drunk. People like me more drunk than sober. I go from being rather boring to being the life of the party. Don't get violent. Don't become weepy. I'm a fun girl, I laugh a lot if out in public.... or smile a lot if home in private. Frankly I like being drunk.

The ride is becoming a little less fun though. What was cute in a 25 yr old isn't as cute in a 39 yr old. The paunch wont go away either. I diet and work out and it doesnt come off- maybe drinking a bottle of wine every night does that to a body.

The hangovers are worse. If they are even hangovers really, maybe its just withdrawl. If I have 1 too many drinks, it's so subtle I cant recognize it until its too late- where I go from more than buzzed but only a little drunk, its great... but one more drink and it crosses the line- I spend the entire next day in bed or on the couch. To the point I cant function. Shaky, exhausted but unable to actually nap, barely able to walk. Somehow I manage to avoid this most of the time, but it is happening more frequently. Maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks I get to this point.

My husband doesnt think I have a roblem. We grew up drinking together and he doesnt understand why its different for me now. He can stop after 2 drinks and it not feel like a herculean effort. He can function the day after. He LIKES me drunk. He likes that I'm happy when I drink. That Im sparkly. That I'm more uninhibited. I think he is very sad and scared I might really quit drinking for good. He's like, "why not just cut back to once a week or so? Or just have a glass of wine with dinner?" and I'm like, "because I can't. Something isn't RIGHT."

In movies there is rock bottom. I have not had a rock bottom, or if I did it was years ago when I did some very unfortunate things when drunk. Nowadays I am a responsible drunk. I dont drive drunk. I dont drink in public unless my husband is with or Im with a group of close friends. If I dont have a rock bottom, maybe Im not really a drunk. Maybe I'm just a drinker. Maybe I just sometimes drink too much, maybe that happens more than it should- but still, maybe I'm not a real drunk.

I dont really want to quit, I want to go on enjoying being drunk, with no ill consequences- But I feel for my HEALTH I must. I cant keep doing this to my body, Im DESTROYING it. My brain. and I want to like myself again and not feel ashamed. I cant keep setting this example for my teenage kids. I cant keep being that 18 yr old party girl at my age. I jst dont know how to start.

welcome conchgirl

I'm a guy, but I so know what you mean.


If you feel it's a problem, it is - and you've come to the right place :)

You'll find a ton of support here :)

D

Welcome conchgirl :)

I partied all my life also till just now i quite a couple months ago at 39 also.

The best thing i have done for myself since i was a child.

If you think you need to be here then please stay , cause you do belong then. You will get to meet some wonderful people . Hope to see you around .

For me to quit drinking...regardless of external circumstances
I had to want to quit more than I wanted to drink.

I do suggest an honest talk with your doctor would be wise. Why?
Because you have been drinking for a long time and in large ammounts
De toxing from alcohol is a medical issue...so please do get assistance..

welcome...:wave:

Hi conchgirl, welcome to SR. I can totally relate to how you feel. I'm a 41 year old male and I partied consistently since I was a teenager. It was fun and cool when I was in my 20's and early 30's, but once I started getting into my late 30's I started to feel similar things to what you describe in your post. I started getting a beer belly, couldn't tell if I was hungover or going through withdrawals etc. Drinking for me was starting to become more of a habit than a fun thing. My wife had the same reaction that your husband had when you told him you might want to stop drinking. She wasn't against the idea, but I could tell that she was a bit bummed, because we used to have a lot of fun going to restaurants and ordering wine etc. She said the same things; Can't you just have a glass of wine with dinner etc.? Well the bottom line is she can and I cannot. I used to be able to, but in the last few years I noticed that one or two just didn't cut it anymore. Sometimes even a whole bottle of wine (or two) didn't even cut it for me. I decided that I needed to stop drinking for my own health and well being. Today I am 38 days sober and I feel great! I still go out with my wife, she gets wine and I get a tonic with lime or a sparkling water. We still have lots of fun together and me not drinking is not even an issue. We can actually have more fun now that I don't drink because I can be the designated driver. To top it all off, since I stopped drinking 38 days ago, I've dropped 10 pounds without even trying! I think you should give not drinking a try! I can pretty much guarantee you'll feel better both physically and mentally and I'll bet you will still be able to have fun with your husband too!

Hi conchgirl, and welcome,
I didn’t want to quit either for a long time, my health slowly started telling on me, swollen right side near liver, elevated liver function, hiding how much I drank from my family and eventually even the ones I was drinking with.

Your right about the rock bottom, sometimes it’s more like quicksand, you keep digging deeper and may not realize it while it’s happening.

I do know this thing is progressive, I denied it for years but everything that I kept reading here kept coming true, I remember the last ‘shot’ of whiskey I took with my dad, he said ‘see, just one, that’s all ya need’. The difference was I keep thinking about another shot for the rest of the day, until I finally left to go home, then I stopped for more, a lot more. ‘They’ will never understand.

Glad you’re here, I agree with everyone above, thing is we are a lot alike, maybe you’re like us too, if so you have come to the right place for support.

Hi conchgirl, firstly well done for looking and finding SR, an act of bravery on its own. Life in general and that includes mental, physical and spiritually, is 100% better without alcohol. See heres the thing, in my experience anyway, alcoholics like many of us are wires differently. We are incapable to drink socially and thus just cannot drink. This was something that i had to battle with for a long time before i finally "got it". Its hard in the beginning but so worth it in the end.

My only advise would be to consider not drinking for a period (most people say 6 - 12 months) and see how you go, you wont be dissapointed.

Regards

Ant

H Conchgirl, I can relate to your story as mine's is very similar. I'm 44 and I've partied and binged since I was 14. I got into a fair bit of bother as a youth but managed to 'control' my drinking from early 30s onwards, or so I thought. I came here two weeks ago and have been sober since, including the past two weekends which has been a revelation. I've stopped for health reasons and from what you've said you obviously realise the need to stop too. You'll get tremendous support on this site so keep reading and posting.

Yea, that describes my wife and I, about 3-4 years ago.

By the time I got into recovery though, my wife had quit trying to understand because she finally realized she couldn't. Hell, I can't either.

:)

I could write a whole lot about this. I won't. But these questions about our spouses who, for many of us, are also our best friends and either now or at one time.... our drinking buddies. There is soooo much fear that both spouses bring into early recovery... how will this, this recovery thing, effect our relationship?

One thing is for sure...

For us it was profound... We brought 24 years of marriage into this big change, we were (almost) HS sweethearts... We even work together and have for all these years... Great friends and drinking buddies... Now.... we just celebrated 27 years and going.

If I have any advice at all, just get recovered, worry about yourself... One day at a time works for me, but for us... well once I started taking a long view, and quit taking our relationship's pulse every 15 minutes, once I let her deal with whatever issues she needed to... I began to relax a little...

Oh yea, I think, maybe... you might belong here. Welcome.

welcome! I can relate a lot to your post. I drank more than you (1-2 bottles of wine a night or the equivalent in vodka).

I sense the hesitation in your post and if you look at my profile you'll see a 3 year lag between me joining here and me quitting. So I get that, too. But I do hope you'll stick around and read honestly. (I read selectively to convince myself that I wasn't 'that bad').

Don't worry about your husband. That will fall into place!

Welcome!

Did you know that a "hangover" IS "withdrawal" which is literally "alcohol poisoning?"

Conchgirl - Reading your post is like looking at myself in the mirror two years ago (when I was 39), I'm now 41 and 9 days sober. In the last two years I stopped going to the gym (what was the point when that paunch wouldn't go away) got to the stage of drinking two bottles of wine per night - after all I liked being drunk so I was past caring whether I could function the next day or not. Then thought about how 6pm (wine time) could be altered to 3pm or 2pm!

9 days ago, I woke up feeling like sh1t again! That was my rock bottom (I hope, because I'm not sure I want to slip any further), this morning I woke up clear headed and thought "what do I hope to accomplish today". 9 days ago It would have been "what's the point?"

My advice - be kind to yourself, take some time to read all that SR has to offer. Talk openly and honestly to your husband. Pack in the wine for a while, see how it feels...

Take care
xx

we can all relate to this message.
I didnt want to quit either.
I loved the taste, i loved the feeling, i loved the buzz, i was social. I just felt better when i drank.
Oh, but boy if someone would have told me that one day when i try and stop I would seizure and be in the hospital for a few days, i would have stopped long before.
i truly would have.

this disease is horrible.

But there is a bright side. When you stop drinking you feel great. Youre life starts to fall into place and all the things you begged for when you were drinking start to come true. I know that all sounds corny but it is true.

Put the bottle down for 1 month and then decide if you want to go back to it.

Crap. I remember those days so viscerally. I never want to have to waste another moment in my life like that again. At that point my life was so small and I felt like a failed human concern. A waste of space; a useless person inside a person who so wants to be useful in the world.

I quit a couple years ago and I am not going back. It's so much better here on the other side of it. I wish this for you too. Nobody should have to live like that.

Much love, kid. You can do this. Stick close.

Hi and Welcome,

It's really hard to make a decision to stop drinking because you know you need to and you know it's the right thing to do. To me, it doesn't sound like you're at that point yet, but take a look around here and read and learn. There are so many benefits to living a sober life.

i thnk until you realize that your not missing anything by not drinking you cant stop.

I kept thinking i would miss it so much. so i kept going

now sober and i look back and think how stupid. To not be in my right mind all the time.
What benefit does drinking actually have.

I drove me to the bottomless pit.

I am clawing my way out now and no liquid in a bottle is going to throw me back in.

I am stronger than a liquid